Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8

Original poster

To be tired of our guests constant 'high brow' conversation?

192 replies

Grassroots01 · 01/09/2017 18:24

We have had one of DH's old university friends and his wife down the last 4 days. They are going back on Sunday.

Don't get me wrong, they are LOVELY, have known them for many years and usually get on really well with them and enjoy their company. However, this afternoon I just feel a bit fed up and have had to go off for some me time' as I am just tired of the conversations.

For the last 4 days straight it seems all we've spoken about is global warming, sea pollution, politics, gardening and herb plantation and lastly (just now) picked apart the English education system.

It's just not me I'm afraid. I'm not unintelligent and am educated to the same level as both of these people and my DH, but I differ from them, in that I don't enjoy 'high brow' (for want of a better expression) conversation for hours or days on end.

I had to get up and walk off earlier as I really just wanted to say 'I'm knackered, can we not just talk about light hearted subjects?' The wife is absolutely lovely, she really is and I do get on with her really well but tonight we are going out for a meal and then onto some (trendy) bars for some drinks. I'm just about to go and get ready and have asked her what she's wearing etc. She's just replied 'Oh I don't know, I might just go as I am (she's in jeans and a t-shirt?) my hair needs washing (it does) but I can't be bothered, and I suppose I should really put some make up on but I can't be bothered with that either'

I now feel a bit deflated and am wondering whether to bother wearing the heels, nice top and jeans that I had planned to, or do my hair and make up as I'm going to feel 'overdone' The trouble is my female friends would've made a bit of an effort, I'm not used to being around people who wouldn't.

God, I sound like such a cow. I don't know what's wrong with me, I just feel really tired and irritable today and just long for some conversation about clothes, hair or make up, celebrity gossip, anything other than politics, global warming or education.

AIBU?

OP posts:

Hullygully · 01/09/2017 23:14

yes yabu

Hullygully · 01/09/2017 23:15

I can't believe anyone over the age of 11 asks anyone what they are wearing unless it's fancy dress

Xmasbaby11 · 01/09/2017 23:21

Clothes wouldn't bother me.

I know what you mean about serious conversations. I prefer talking about ourselves, our families and people we know. In terms of other topics, I'm interested in education, culture, travel, music, food, the arts. I would struggle with A lot of heavy conversation. But then I never see friends for more than a day at a time so it's not long enough to tire of conversation!

mintich · 01/09/2017 23:23

I would be disappointed too if my friend didn't make any effort on a night out that we'd planned.
As for the conversation, I get this with my DO and his friends. Whenever I bring up something light hearted they all become more animated and seem relieved they don't have to carry on the heavy convo!

ferntwist · 01/09/2017 23:45

How did it go?

Rainbunny · 02/09/2017 00:30

I rather like highbrow conversations and frankly every conversation I've had in months has been on the topic of Trump (I'm in the USA) I'd be relieved to talk about astrophysics or some such calming topic!

As for going out clothes, well you are being a tiny bit U but I get it, I rarely get an excuse to make much of an effort these days and if you were looking forward to dressing up a bit I say just do it and who cares if you look smarter! I have friends who are so casual that I always look overdressed in their company and it really doesn't bother me anymore.

GallicosCats · 02/09/2017 00:45

I think you're just fed up of having guests, TBH. I know how it feels when you suddenly don't feel the same about friends as you used to and the shine goes from their visit. I realised a friendship had run its course when the woman in the couple (who has a very high-powered job) started talking about her offspring's prowess in music and her 70-hour weeks of work, and I began to feel rather small and out of place. We didn't correspond again after that.

endehors · 02/09/2017 01:09

Pfft, that's not highbrow. Philosophy was a great favourite at a particular friend's parties. Nonsense (sorry!) like 'Life is like this orange. What do you think?" Existentialism, logical positivism, religion (redaction criticism of, dissection of and comparison) etc etc

Change the direction of the conversation!

Why are we talking about what people are wearing, I should read properly, I skim read.

GorgeousLadyOfWrangling · 02/09/2017 01:17

Talking of highbrow, I have just seen fifty shades darker.
I didn't realize it was a comedy.

GorgeousLadyOfWrangling · 02/09/2017 01:17

Talking of highbrow, I have just seen fifty shades darker.
I didn't realize it was a comedy.

bluegrape · 02/09/2017 01:20

Don't you all talk about game of thrones like normal people?

bluegrape · 02/09/2017 01:22

'Life is like this orange.'
How did you keep a straight face?

MistressDeeCee · 02/09/2017 01:43

They sound draining

Of course you can't start lighthearted conversation and banter with people like that because they will wait for any gap in the talking and immediately steer it back to heavy topics. They don't have an awareness that at certain times, lighthearted will do and actually you should be open to gauging that and adjust accordingly.

I wouldn't be in someone'''s home banging on about serious topics when I could see they weren't fully into it.. We don't all want to be in serious and worthy debate mode all the time. I have a demanding job I want to wind down at home..heavy conversation is fine but after a while I don't want to think.

I guess with the night out she's showing you she's not reallly bothered about it..its nothing to dress up for, as it were. Whereas you feel different. Maybe she thinks its all frivolous

Its OK to be you, OP. Its ok for her to be who she is, too. But you're not compatible so any future visits need to be short, definitely not more than one night

Whatthefucknameisntalreadytake · 02/09/2017 01:48

You just have pmt. ride it out.

missperegrinespeculiar · 02/09/2017 01:57

hmm, sorry, I would bore you, too, can't imagine anything more boring than talking about clothes, make-up or celebrities, does not interest me at all but YANBU, talking about politics all the time can be depressing, especially right now!

enceladus · 02/09/2017 02:04

It's a self esteem issue; they can't lightheartedly banter because they don't feel they are witty enough; she won't bother getting dressed up because she feels her defining point is her intellect on current affairs and couldn't even begin to contemplate looking good to go out because she doesn't feel good enough physically about herself to begin with. Doesn't mean they are not nice, just means ironically they are a bit insular and detached. The key point is you are putting all this on yourself as the odd man out. Don't, they are the odd men out, with a total lack of self-awareness. Most well-rounded people know to change up the topic of conversation or mood if the other person seems bored or the topic is not in their realm of knowledge; you are the all-encompassing host who bothered to even ask the question here. Just learn from experience, they are going to drive you nuts if they are around too long, keep it to one night in future and applaud yourself for being a better rounded person with empathy and a willingness to keep others happy.

WinnieFosterTether · 02/09/2017 02:18

OP at least you know you're being mardy unlike a lot of the posters on here
You need to find a lighthearted passion/hobby/topic for each of them. They will have one whether it's music, travel, early James Bond films...
I hope your night improved

Tanfastic · 02/09/2017 02:32

I think the op is getting a hard time.

I'd have found the convos tiresome after a while. It's like when my mum starts talking about her interesting flowers she grew from seed in the garden. I try to sound enthusiastic and interested because she's my mum and I love her but my eyes start glazing over after five minutes. It's what floats your boat. I like putting the world to rights like any other but in a more lighthearted way. I'm not intelligent enough to get into the ins and outs of politics and quite frankly I wouldn't want to. I find it boring. So I get it op.

I'd be saying to my dh on the quiet let's not invite them so long next time as they bored me to fuck.

They don't sound your cup of tea and they wouldn't be mine. Each to their own!

Please update re what she wore as I'm a nosy cow 🐮

SabineUndine · 02/09/2017 03:01

I wouldn't find the topics typist highbrow tbh, highbrow to me is philosophy or something I have trouble getting my head round. I'd choose another subject they might be interested in e.g. 'What are you reading at the moment?' is a good one and try to find middle ground.

GriswaldFamilyVacation · 02/09/2017 03:42

e won't bother getting dressed up because she feels her defining point is her intellect on current affairs and couldn't even begin to contemplate looking good to go out because she doesn't feel good enough physically about herself to begin with.

Or maybe, she's just not interested?

coriliavijvaad · 02/09/2017 03:55

I normally bum around in jeans and casual shoes and like the kinds of conversations you describe as highbrow but I do also enjoy discussing game of thrones and other TV series, and films etc. I do not own any skirts or heels but it is obvious to anyone reasonably intelligent that you don't go to a posh restaurant in jeans and muddy trainers unless you are someone like Bill Gates and can buy the restaurant if anyone objects.

I wouldn't want to go to a bar of the kind that you have to queue to get into. Give me a nice quiet real ale pub any day.

Do you have any decent board games? Those are good for mediating having a sociable time without requiring intellectual conversation. There are lots of board game recommendation threads here on mumsnet.

You could work out a route through the city which combines walking through architecturally interesting areas with going to six or more (non trendy) pubs - I bet the conversation would be a lot less highbrow by pub 3.

Shadow666 · 02/09/2017 04:46

I thought it sounds like she's a bit over the whole visit too. 4 days is a long time in someone else's space.

Ribrabrob · 02/09/2017 05:24

How many times does the OP need to explain herself? She's clearly said several times that the make up, celeb etc thing was just a poor example of what she might prefer to talk about.

Anyway - how did it go last night?

derxa · 02/09/2017 05:36

Oh dear.

SelkieQualia · 02/09/2017 05:42

YABU for having guests stay for more than 3 days. There's only one person I can tolerate for that long , and that's my mum. Little wonder you're fed up.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8