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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be tired of our guests constant 'high brow' conversation?

192 replies

Grassroots01 · 01/09/2017 18:24

We have had one of DH's old university friends and his wife down the last 4 days. They are going back on Sunday.

Don't get me wrong, they are LOVELY, have known them for many years and usually get on really well with them and enjoy their company. However, this afternoon I just feel a bit fed up and have had to go off for some me time' as I am just tired of the conversations.

For the last 4 days straight it seems all we've spoken about is global warming, sea pollution, politics, gardening and herb plantation and lastly (just now) picked apart the English education system.

It's just not me I'm afraid. I'm not unintelligent and am educated to the same level as both of these people and my DH, but I differ from them, in that I don't enjoy 'high brow' (for want of a better expression) conversation for hours or days on end.

I had to get up and walk off earlier as I really just wanted to say 'I'm knackered, can we not just talk about light hearted subjects?' The wife is absolutely lovely, she really is and I do get on with her really well but tonight we are going out for a meal and then onto some (trendy) bars for some drinks. I'm just about to go and get ready and have asked her what she's wearing etc. She's just replied 'Oh I don't know, I might just go as I am (she's in jeans and a t-shirt?) my hair needs washing (it does) but I can't be bothered, and I suppose I should really put some make up on but I can't be bothered with that either'

I now feel a bit deflated and am wondering whether to bother wearing the heels, nice top and jeans that I had planned to, or do my hair and make up as I'm going to feel 'overdone' The trouble is my female friends would've made a bit of an effort, I'm not used to being around people who wouldn't.

God, I sound like such a cow. I don't know what's wrong with me, I just feel really tired and irritable today and just long for some conversation about clothes, hair or make up, celebrity gossip, anything other than politics, global warming or education.

AIBU?

OP posts:
EyesUnderARock · 01/09/2017 20:14

What's her husband going to wear?
You are right, the visit was way too long. I can keep my social manners shiny for three nights, then my inner frumpy intellectual bursts out like a scene from Alien. Try to survive til Sunday and plan for a shorter encounter next time.

Only1scoop · 01/09/2017 20:14

Interesting first post

Mittens1969 · 01/09/2017 20:19

@Fuckthisentirething, I was asking a question fgs, not mocking people for being academic. I have 2 degrees and have had that said about me in the past. I already said I'd find those subjects interesting.

Teddy1970 · 01/09/2017 20:19

I get what you mean OP, those topics are fine for a bit but can get a bit tiresome and heavy going if that's all they talk about! Plus the fact that these subjects can get a bit tricky if you don't agree with what they're saying on the subject (especially politics), or vice versa.

Ttbb · 01/09/2017 20:25

That may have been her way of saying that she didn't want to go on a pub crawl.

dudsville · 01/09/2017 20:29

OP, I'm too late to catch you before you head out but wanted to wish you luck. You reminded me of a previous relationship I was in. He and I and his old school mate and his wife were all trained to PhD level. OH's mate couldn't discuss anything that wasn't research. That's a wide variety of topics, but he had to have read something to be able to discuss it. Personally, I am an introvert and find any chat/conversation boring, high or low brow. I have no interest in hearing about where you've been and what you've done. I like thinking together and coming up with new concepts (as befits my field). It wasn't a good match.

I hope you wore your nice shoes and top. What a pp said about you not being twins is spot on. I was watching an episode of Buffy earlier and she was dressed for a night out and Willow was in her adorable dungarees and stripy jumper while Cordelia was in her own preppy league. Not twins/triplets, each her own woman (or adolescent really!).

I hope you have nothing planned for once your company depart. Soak up that solitude and recharge!

OCSockOrphanage · 01/09/2017 20:33

I sympathise a bit here because my oldest and dearest friends are inclined to be high minded. They are also not foodies, so a MIchelin starred restaurant wouldn't arise as an option: why would you spend money on food that didn't come from a chilled cabinet?

They remain my dearest friends because they are generous with time for my DC, interested in everything and anything, and good to pass time with.

As we get older and our interests diverge, it takes a little more effort to get back to the carefree people we were. Sorry you have PMT, but get over it; if there are legs in this friendship, you will still enjoy their company (possibly not for a whole week) in 20 years, and then you will be happy you soldiered on cheerfully.

OCSockOrphanage · 01/09/2017 20:35

Offer to dress her up a bit (if that's possible) if she has brought nothing suitable. Be generous and giving about it. You will all have much more fun.

eddielizzard · 01/09/2017 20:37

tell her there's a dress code for the restaurant (is there?). she won't want the embarrassment of being turned away.

TheDowagerCuntess · 01/09/2017 20:42

It really just sounds as if they've stayed past your guest comfort boundary limit.

Their conversation preference isn't wrong - I like to put the world to rights with the best of them, but has to be mingled with some laughs as well, or I'd be nodding off, and thinking about heading to bed.

Likewise, I'd be surprised by anyone not making a bit of an effort to go to a decent restaurant.

You're getting a ridiculously hard time on here from some posters Grassroots. I hope you're out having a nice dinner, and some enjoyable convo. Wine

bandito · 01/09/2017 20:46

I have a little cry inside if guests hint they want to stay over. Even family. It's far too long to play host, you're probably both exhausted and it's not bringing out the best in either of you.

HappylandToysEverywhere · 01/09/2017 20:53

User1497 Were we separated at birth?!!! I'm totally on your page x

CockacidalManiac · 01/09/2017 21:15

You started off saying that you were going for a meal and to some trendy bars, that she was wearing jeans and a tshirt, and that you weren't sure whether you wanted to dress up now.
This appears to have progressed to her looking like she's been dragged through a hedge backwards, and you're all off to a Michelin starred restaurant?
Another couple of pages and it'll be a garden party at Buckingham Palace and she's wearing a bin bag.

Only1scoop · 01/09/2017 21:17

Quite Grin

GriswaldFamilyVacation · 01/09/2017 21:29

^Today 20:03 user1497357411

We have friends who do that - The wife used to have a go at me for being superficial because I like to dress up. I am just old fashioned in that respect. I was taught that it is a sign of respect towards the people you visit that you do an effort with your appearance when you visit them. Also my husband likes me with make up on. However, at one get-together some years ago, when we were several couples gathered, she started to boast about how she made absolutely no effort with her appearance and she didn't notice how her DH got increasingly angry as she boasted. At the next party, she wore a bit of make up and had new clothes. I had by that time known her for 4 years and had never before seen her in new clothes. She hadn't considered her DHs feelings on the subject. I guess that up until then he had thought that she was just clueless about appearance, but when she boasted he realized she took pride in being as plain as possible, because according to her that is the correct way of behaving and also being as plain as possible was being a proper feminist.^

This and your further posts show you actually fundamentally don't understand feminism.

Feminism is not about going out of your way to dress in a way that doesn't feel comfortable to you, to please a man who has become publicly, visibly angry About your appearance.

That's just a coercive relationship. I'm surprised you can't recognise that.

I'm sure her angry husband never so much as spent 10 minutes on his appearance.

Maybe she thought she was pretty enough just as she is? Or maybe she though it didn't matter at all.

LespritDescalier · 01/09/2017 22:04

Talking about just normal stuff is highbrow and overly taxing?

I'd be bored rigid if you started talking to me about make up and sleb gossip, and would have nothing to add to that conversation.

Teddy1970 · 01/09/2017 22:13

I like a good debate but I wouldn't like it if the conversation is heavy going ALL night every night...on the other hand I would quite happily stab my guests if all they talked about was Big Brother....a mix is generally a safe bet!

KimchiLaLa · 01/09/2017 22:18

No sorry grassroots I completely get you on both points. Nice to feel as if you're all getting dressed up and going out. even if she doesn't make the effort though, you should.

PickAChew · 01/09/2017 22:19

When you love someone you like to please them.

One way that my DH likes to please me is by not insisting that I wear anything that I'm not entirely comfortable in.

Mellington · 01/09/2017 22:34

Amazon Prime and order a set of Cards Against Humanity.

That's should lower the tone a bit!

Bluntness100 · 01/09/2017 22:41

This is a bit bizzare.

I like to dress up when I'm going someplace special and to make an effort with my appearance, and would never consider going to a Michelin star restaurant in dirty jeans and trainers. I see no pride in going somewhere nice, dirty and unkempt.,

However I dress up because it makes me feel good not for anyone else. I'm not sure why some folks take a pride in looking like a slob.

Eolian · 01/09/2017 22:50

When you love someone you like to please them

So it's ok for a husband to expect his wife to spend loads of effort on her personal grooming because he likes his woman like that? I wonder if he spends ages on his personal grooming.

timeisnotaline · 01/09/2017 22:50

This is weird. You should both where what you like although if she won't get in she should of course change. But the conversations sound normal, not heavy. I mean, gardening? I don't really know what you would like to talk about instead. Or why you didn't start that conversation, although I remember being in a long car drive and having absolutely nothing to add to conversations about waxing, clothes and tv soaps. For hours.

UrsulaPandress · 01/09/2017 22:56

This thread has given me deja vous.

nameusername · 01/09/2017 23:00

YABU. Just because she's comfy in casual doesn't mean you shouldn't dress up and let that affected what you had originally wanted to wear. You could always try to change the topic. Me? Not much a talker..more of a listener. The only thing that bugs me if when people talks about all kinds of politics until they turn blue but refused or doesn't even bother vote. Their reasonings makes no sense when I brought this up.