DH 'working from home'

[Bob10]

Am about to have it out with husband when kids are in bed but want to check with you all if I am out of line.

DH works from home and so I took my children out for the morning to give him space. It is generally very hard for both myself and the kids to not initiate conversations with him when he is actually in the room (workstation in our living room!). He has reminded me on several occasions that he is 'working' and i accept this, although I'm not always tolerant when he does not acknowledge the children's questions or even make eye contact with them when they are saying goodbye! I do accept, however, that he does not do pressure well and cannot focus on two things at once!
So, as I leave I ask him if it's ok to bring in the washing if it rains? He says yes and I am sure two minutes away from the screen will be enough time for this task. I also remind him that our toddler will probably be asleep when we get home and can he look out for us and help me in (toddler NEEDs his nap and always stays asleep when DH carries him in). Again, this is pretty standard practice for us, so fine.
During the morning I realise I have forgotten something and head home. I don't phone as I don't want to stop him 'working'. Upon entering our house I find him sorting out his 'toys', watching tv and totally away from his laptop. I laugh. He says it's the first 5 mins he's had to himself. It's all good and I head out again.
Long story (a little) short, I come home early as it is bucketing it down and the kids are tired. When I get home, both kids have fallen asleep and I knock and ask for his help (I had also texted him 30mins prior to this to explain we were on our way). As he comes out I notice laundry is still out and make a comment on this, to which he storms around, waking both kids (who are upset at having been woken suddenly) and starts shouting about 'what would I do if I was on my own'. He continues to shout and stomp around generally about how unreasonable I am.
So...my question to you is... was I unreasonable? How much additional 'house work'/support can I expect someone to give whilst they are also supposed to be 'working from home' in their main job? Even when I work, I use lunch breaks to make phone calls, order shopping, buy presents etc.
Many thanks in advance - conversations will commence at 8pm!

*note to self, stop using word 'actually' to make my point!
**additional note, stop using inverted commas too!

Wanting some jobs done from somebody who is working from home isn't unreasonable but time-based jobs might be.

Any reason why you didn't bring the washing in before you went out? That was the time sensitive task so it could have been done beforehand. Everything else could have waited.

I get the point about getting your children in but again, that's something that you will need to be able to do if your husband's doing something else eg. on the phone, so your son being a mummy's boy doesn't really cut it.

I'd suggest you don't phrase your 'conversation' as you have here, I'm hoping it's bravado because if you talked to me like that (I work from home), I'd be finding office space, there's plenty of it about, where you can have wifi and set up your laptop.

TBH the thing I find most unreasonable is the assertion that it's ok that you have to make calls, make appointments, run errands etc in your breaks at work (because let's face it, that's when we all do them, if you work weekdays because that's when stuff is open) yet his breaks have to be SACROSANCT and no task must be completed in this time because it's 'his break'. Inverted commas intended.

If shit needs doing it needs doing. I've WFH before so that I can let the gas man in, or so that I can collect a parcel for my OH, knowing that the pain in the arse of collecting the parcel when it's taken to the depot is more than the pain in the arse of me breaking off what I'm doing for the 30 seconds it would take to sign for it. If he wants to pretend that he is outside the home then fine but he still should have to do the daily life stuff that the OP is doing in HER lunch breaks. He doesn't get a free pass on that.

I wouldn't talk to him about the washing or waking the children. Both these things are relatively minor and likely to cause a opportunity for discussion about working from home in to a pointless row about domestic nonsense. You may as well let it go and have a good evening together.

However I would have a sensible discussion about how working from home in the main living room with a family around is not practical. It is not helpful to family life and won't do the children's relationship with their dad any good at all if he doesn't acknowledge them and ignores them. They will be absorbing this and it will affect their communication eventually. He needs to have more respect for his family and sort another work station. Think giving up a bedroom, or get creative with a shed, garage, landing area, etc. Or think of other solutions like using the local library - they will usually have free wifi, or coffee shops for at least part of the day. Is his line of work flexible in when he can work, can he work from 7am to 11am in a coffee shop, come home for a couple of hours then work elsewhere from 1 or 2pm? I am speaking from personal experience. We ended up renting a small office space from a friend in their home as they worked from home already (no kids). It was not doing our relationship both marriage and with the kids, any good at all. Became almost constant rows with me wanting him to have meetings, or need to go out and him wishing I would go out with the kids all the time. Not a happy house.

He's NOT working from home.. he's twatting around watching tv and such when he thinks nobody's around...he's AT IT

Your Not Being Unreasonable atall OP... thank goodness he's moved up to the bedroom.. allowing his children to at least function whilst he twiddles away upstairs...

Don't be ridiculous Gemini. Yes, he was watching tv and playing with his stuff at the point OP walked in but that doesn't mean he wasn't working before or after. He's a homeworker - like OP is for two days of the week - and you can bet that neither of them are working for all that time.

I work from home and even on my busy days I have to try to fit in a wash load, put a Bolognese or something on to cook - and do my nails - and I do all of those things - and watch the tv for an hour or so - or not at all if I really don't have time. I still have to fit in my work and as long as I do, it's fine. I even manage to go for a swim/gym if I'm really organised.

Yabu you need to learn to cope as if he wasn't there like many mums do

Clearly working from home is not viable if the only place he can have his workstation is in the living room. Your children need to be able to use their home as a home, not have to make themselves scarce because it doubles as an office. DH is being selfish on the working from home front by monopolising a family space then doubly by saying yes to help you have asked for then letting you down. Finding him chilling instead of working sounds telling. He's not as busy as he makes out or he wouldn't be messing around with hobbies instead of working. Sounds like a typical manchild response. Read so many threads about them I'm sick to the teeth of this type of man... He should grow up and do his share of household chores.

DH and I both work from home sometimes precisely so we can take on family/domestic duties.

That said, there are some phone calls etc that aren't flexible and can't be interrupted.

Whilst I appreciate that working from home is still "working" he found the time to watch tv and do something for himself so he could be found two mins to bring some washing in and carried a toddler. If he shouted at me like that I'd be saying that. Working ,providing for his family,working at home , lunchbreak or no lunchbreak. It's not like your sitting on your arse all day and you took the kids out so he could work. It's not going to kill him to acknowledge his kids either. I would also be telling him this too . I work full time. I wouldn't act like this. It doesn't matter if I'm a woman or a man. He was disrespectful .

To me there are 2 different issues:

1. Him working from home and those arrangements

1. You feeling like you do more than him at home and aren't happy about it.

For 1, you've discussed his work arrangements. He needs a separate space, to not be interrupted and some understanding that just because he is at home it doesn't mean his breaks are chore time.

For 2, that's a different conversation altogether. In my mind, he works full time and you work part time so you pick up more of the slack in terms of chores etc. He should pull his weight around the house, but when one person works FT and the other only PT (whatever reason) then the PT person is wrong to expect 50/50.

Might be a good idea if you made your way back to the 1950s REBECCA.

HTH.

english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/

I found that a very interesting little read for when a partner expects to be asked to do things before they do them, so just thought I would share that when you said you felt like assigning him a list! Not at all saying that all DPs/men are like this, but it could be applicable to some.

Otherwise, maybe like everyone suggests, you need to have a chat about what is feasible in the WFH setup so you can both be clear on each others commitments and needs.

I would do that too - if he had them!

Ha Ha :)

DorisDangleberry is your DH available to host training seminars for the rest of the men..?

YABU.

I also work from home. It's taken a long, long time to train my DH that that doesn't mean I'm interruptible anytime e.g. for a chat, or can do more 'home stuff' during my working day. And I work in a separate room.

My husband works from home for the majority of the week. I do not and would not expect him to help me with any amount of housework or childcare. If he was it at the office, he wouldn't be able to.

Some days he is busier than others with work, so he spends more time downstairs with us but some days he works till 8pm, so its swings and roundabouts.

He works in our bedroom with the door closed more often than not.

To be honest the whole working from home thing was a massive adjustment as it was strange having him home but not being able to ask him to do anything. Overtime I've got used to it.

Tricky one... A workstation in the living room is not really a suitable set up for a start. He can't expect you and the kids to either be our or silent all the time. He should create a suitable working space or go to an external office somewhere if he doesn't like interruption.
That said, I work from home (separate office) and get so sick of friends or family assuming i am a lady of leisure! They always ask about coffee or lunch meet ups or could I just do this or that, and I have to explain (again!) that I work! I'm just in my own office.
Small tasks are fine during working hours (if in an office you'd make a cuppa and have a lunch break so I think it's fine to ask him).
But he is being unreasonable if he has time to sort his 'toys' but not to help you and get the washing in - that's just selfish!

out not our!

Wouldn't it have been great if the OP's DH met her at the door and said "I'll bring the DCs in, oh, and it rained so I brought the washing in too".

MachineBee I got so fed up of being pestered with the whole neighbourhood's parcels just because I was home that I put a sign on my door saying 'parcel for me? Shed. Parcel for neighbours? No thanks!' I get disturbed far less now.

To be honest the whole working from home thing was a massive adjustment as it was strange having him home but not being able to ask him to do anything. Overtime I've got used to it.

This is the difference between men and women, I think.

Women use their down time when WFH to do the odd chore (see my previous post), whereas men are seemingly horrified at the very expectation...

Alternatively...

Wouldn't it have been great if the OP's DH told her his afternoon had been manic and said "Work has been crazy, sorry I couldn't bring the DCs in, oh, and it rained but I couldn't bring the washing in either".

It's a bit of a balancing act. my DH works from home a lot [he is often abroad so it's a bonus when he is home] - but he insists on working on the kitchen table, meaning no-one can watch TV / make a sandwich for themselves without checking if he's on the phone or in the middle of typing up an email. I can't hoover as it makes too much noise and can't iron as he complains I'm in the way of the TV!

My kids are all teenagers so are in and out at various times for work / job centre / school / evening sports clubs / etc, so he's constantly being interrupted in the way. All the cables for his PC dangle across the floor and between the table and the work surface, so it's really inconvenient. But at the end of the day he is the major bread winner so needs must...