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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH 'working from home'

298 replies

Bob10 · 31/08/2017 18:26

Am about to have it out with husband when kids are in bed but want to check with you all if I am out of line.

DH works from home and so I took my children out for the morning to give him space. It is generally very hard for both myself and the kids to not initiate conversations with him when he is actually in the room (workstation in our living room!). He has reminded me on several occasions that he is 'working' and i accept this, although I'm not always tolerant when he does not acknowledge the children's questions or even make eye contact with them when they are saying goodbye! I do accept, however, that he does not do pressure well and cannot focus on two things at once!
So, as I leave I ask him if it's ok to bring in the washing if it rains? He says yes and I am sure two minutes away from the screen will be enough time for this task. I also remind him that our toddler will probably be asleep when we get home and can he look out for us and help me in (toddler NEEDs his nap and always stays asleep when DH carries him in). Again, this is pretty standard practice for us, so fine.
During the morning I realise I have forgotten something and head home. I don't phone as I don't want to stop him 'working'. Upon entering our house I find him sorting out his 'toys', watching tv and totally away from his laptop. I laugh. He says it's the first 5 mins he's had to himself. It's all good and I head out again.
Long story (a little) short, I come home early as it is bucketing it down and the kids are tired. When I get home, both kids have fallen asleep and I knock and ask for his help (I had also texted him 30mins prior to this to explain we were on our way). As he comes out I notice laundry is still out and make a comment on this, to which he storms around, waking both kids (who are upset at having been woken suddenly) and starts shouting about 'what would I do if I was on my own'. He continues to shout and stomp around generally about how unreasonable I am.
So...my question to you is... was I unreasonable? How much additional 'house work'/support can I expect someone to give whilst they are also supposed to be 'working from home' in their main job? Even when I work, I use lunch breaks to make phone calls, order shopping, buy presents etc.
Many thanks in advance - conversations will commence at 8pm!

OP posts:
TheDowagerCuntess · 01/09/2017 21:02

Well, in all honesty, that doesn't sound too different from how I get my various chores done - I'm not literally doing two things at once.

If I'm WFH, then in a 'down' period, I'll switch onto other tasks.

This, to me, is multi-tasking. Working through multiple tasks to get them all done.

TheDowagerCuntess · 01/09/2017 21:05

In all honesty, Maisy - I think we're coming at this from a similar place.

IDo is right, when you're in a balanced relationship, and you know you can more or less rely on your partner to pick up slack, help out when able, and work as a team, then you get through it.

It doesn't sound like this applies to the OP, and that's the crux of the problem, really.

The WFH is a red herring, essentially.

EC22 · 01/09/2017 21:24

Ironing?!? 😂

tillytown · 01/09/2017 21:31

If he works from home and isn't commuting, why are you doing all the laundry and housework? Why isn't he doing stuff after 'work'?

Craigie · 01/09/2017 21:37

When my husband works from home, he's working so will not do anything in the house, but he doesn't work in the living room like a dickhead. If your husband needs to work at home, he should be separate from all the living space/his children, or he should fucking lighten up a bit.

gandalf456 · 01/09/2017 22:03

This set up would quickly drive me mad.

Firstly, you and the children should not be turfed out of your home every day or not be allowed to open your mouths. He may be working but it sounds as if he's making a huge statement. Maybe he'll get over it. Otherwise he may have to plan peace and quiet elsewhere -upstairs, library, cafe, hotel....

Secondly, he seems to have time for non work stuff when it suits him but doesn't when it suits the family. That would annoy me lots - especially in view of all the posturing above!!!

Yanbu u over the washing or sleeping toddlers. If the washing had have been a problem then you could have pallned accordingly (i.e. done it later or hung it inddoors). And quiet, happy, sleeping toddlers are in his interest if trying to work!!!

But yabu over ironing. Sorry x Good luck on establishing boundaries

Original poster
Bob10 · 01/09/2017 22:08

When did I mention ironing?? Neither of us do that Blush

OP posts:
Original poster
Bob10 · 01/09/2017 22:10

Ah, I did mention it but as a query to what I could reasonably ask to be done on a day wfh. I am corrected - but honestly, we don't iron in this house Smile

OP posts:
IDoDaChaCha · 01/09/2017 22:11

If he works from home and isn't commuting, why are you doing all the laundry and housework? Why isn't he doing stuff after 'work'? I thought the same thing. Surely he has 'x' amount of travel time free for other important things...

IDoDaChaCha · 01/09/2017 22:12

but honestly, we don't iron in this house neither do I. Going to try steaming wrinkles out of (non tumble dry) clothes with a floor mop if I absolutely have to...

gandalf456 · 01/09/2017 22:19

Sorry just got that from other posts

gandalf456 · 01/09/2017 22:20

Not yours but other people's

cheval · 01/09/2017 22:38

You can rent work space very cheaply. Him in the living room is bad for you and your kids. And a distraction for him. Would be much better if he were out of the house for all concerned.

cluelessnewmum · 01/09/2017 22:43

Hmm this whole situation sounds untenable - how can he be expected to work with small kids around and how can you and your kids have a family life with his stifling presence?

I think you've got to find another solution to where he works (your bedroom would be better, or convert shed / garage?) or he needs to rent a desk somewhere, at least some days, or go to Starbucks.

Personally I think the tasks you're asking him to do would irritate me if I was wfh - doing tasks on your own terms to fit round a break you've chosen is one thing but a text message asking to help kids from a car in half an hour would break my flow - I know it wouldn't for many people but would for me but then i couldn't work in the environment your husband does.

I personally think it is fairer to ask him to share the household tasks in a none time limited manner (eg unload dishwasher at some point) and stuff that constantly interupts him (eg the examples in your op) should be done by you.

Gemini69 · 01/09/2017 23:16

blimey... she's not asking him to redecorate...

she asked him to bring in the laundry should it rain...

she asked him to help her indoors with the kids.. ie from the outside of their house to the inside..

he found plenty time to play online and watch TV....

xqwertyx · 01/09/2017 23:22

Putting who is right and wrong aside, the whole setup isnt working i'd say.

Short term can the workstation not be moved out if the living room, he cant expect peace when theres children about and he's parked in the epicentre of the action.

At least that may reduce some tension for the time being!

xqwertyx · 01/09/2017 23:24

Sorry i posted and then realised ive pretty much duplicated what others have said! Blush

Gemini69 · 01/09/2017 23:43

he's already moved himself upstairs xqwertyx Smile

2rebecca · 01/09/2017 23:49

I think if you are working you do need your "break" time to be an actual break though, not just a time to do household chores, that's just more work.
I've never worked from home but at work if I'm on a break I'm free to go for a swim, go to the gym, go on mumsnet, go on facebook or go out for a walk.
No washing, boring shopping chores etc.
My work is stressful and in my time out I need to destress.
What the bloke does on his breaks shouldn't concern his wife.
Household drudgery should be done outwith their working hours, not stuffed in to breaks.
I'd be refusing to work from home if my husband decided he was my boss if I worked from home and started telling me what to do in my breaks. You need breaks for a reason.
The only people who can multitask are those who don't have any tasks to do that actually require their full concentration.

Slightlyperturbedowlagain · 02/09/2017 00:00

I never work from home when DH is off to look after the DCs. It just doesn't work for anyone. The stupid interruptions alone (ask mum if dad says no/it's my turn on the PlayStation/can you help me with X) would account for more than my break time -and I work upstairs with the door shut- so I would not have time to be running around doing household tasks too. If everyone else is out all day, then yes I will manage to put a wash on or hang it out, but that's all. Otherwise it's actually a day off, not a working at home day Confused

xqwertyx · 02/09/2017 00:16

@Gemini69 glad to hear it Grin

MummyMuppet2x2 · 02/09/2017 00:55

Unfortunately, the only bit of the phrase 'working from home' that some people process is 'from home' . Apparently the 'work' bit happens by magic and whilst simultaneously undertaking other activities.

This was said quite some time ago by a pp up thread and really rings true.

For instance, I've found myself having to put a stop to DH's line manager arranging extra courses, unpaid overtime, spend time training & supporting a junior colleague, and other extra unpaid work duties (including social/networking opps) - all arranged because "your DW works from home, so it'll be ok, won't it?". Presumably they thought that meant it'd be no bother as I could pick up the slack that DH's frequent absences from home would create.

Initially, to my horror, DH was in full agreement with his line manager. Then, after months and months of my explaining and re-explaining what difficulties and pressures it was putting me under (with our domestic arrangements), he now understands totally, and his work has backed right off. This is great, but I have wondered at times where his work acquired that notion from in the first place....

The level of unrealistic expectation of a WFH-er sometimes go beyond the home.

MistressDeeCee · 02/09/2017 01:57

I work from home 3 days a week. I have breaks where I hare around doing housework stuff. Im not going to sit in mess simply because Im working.. If I were working outside the home Id still have to do it when I got back, wouldn't I? As it is, because Im not having to get ready up and out for the work commute, and also commute back, Im lucky that I can pace my day

Your DH is angry as he was busted - caught out not working. at all. I can tell you..when OH comes round and says 'busy day' I have the sorrowful and tired face on for a bit! But I absolutely do not work so relentlessly as I may if I were in an office surrounded by others. I don't beieve many people who work from home do.

Yes I work, but be sure there are breaks that include pratting around on MN when I should have re-started work an hour ago, or having several tea breaks, eye wandering over online clothing sites etc...

If he worked he would still (I hope) help around the house when he returned, wouldn't he? He shouldn't get a pass simply because he works from home. It sounds as if you have to tiptoe around his saintly self. He's having you on OP. '5 minutes to himself' indeed. He works and he is a parent, those are the breaks in life sometimes.

Once finished for the day he can be hands on for a bit, thats what you can work towards

Agerbilatemycardigan · 02/09/2017 02:30

Cats standing on laptops - yet another peril of working from home dinosaursandtea Grin

LoveBeingAMum555 · 02/09/2017 08:51

My DH doesn't work from home but is self employed. Occasionally he will knock off early - or go in late so he can have a lie in. Last week he had a job cancelled at the last minute so stayed at home. He uses these times to chill out and do nothing. I feel a bit resentful about this, if it was the other way around I would be shopping, cleaning, doing home admin etc.

He says he works much more intensively during his working day because clients are paying for every minute of his time. He works alone so doesn't chat to colleagues and lunch is eaten while he is working. Therefore he deserves an occasional bit of time off.

Equally DH thinks that when I work from home it is somehow easier than being in the office. Our problem us that we have no experience of each others working environment so we make assumptions. We have to agree not to make a big deal about it, so long as we are both pulling our weight roughly equally then it's all fine.