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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH 'working from home'

298 replies

Bob10 · 31/08/2017 18:26

Am about to have it out with husband when kids are in bed but want to check with you all if I am out of line.

DH works from home and so I took my children out for the morning to give him space. It is generally very hard for both myself and the kids to not initiate conversations with him when he is actually in the room (workstation in our living room!). He has reminded me on several occasions that he is 'working' and i accept this, although I'm not always tolerant when he does not acknowledge the children's questions or even make eye contact with them when they are saying goodbye! I do accept, however, that he does not do pressure well and cannot focus on two things at once!
So, as I leave I ask him if it's ok to bring in the washing if it rains? He says yes and I am sure two minutes away from the screen will be enough time for this task. I also remind him that our toddler will probably be asleep when we get home and can he look out for us and help me in (toddler NEEDs his nap and always stays asleep when DH carries him in). Again, this is pretty standard practice for us, so fine.
During the morning I realise I have forgotten something and head home. I don't phone as I don't want to stop him 'working'. Upon entering our house I find him sorting out his 'toys', watching tv and totally away from his laptop. I laugh. He says it's the first 5 mins he's had to himself. It's all good and I head out again.
Long story (a little) short, I come home early as it is bucketing it down and the kids are tired. When I get home, both kids have fallen asleep and I knock and ask for his help (I had also texted him 30mins prior to this to explain we were on our way). As he comes out I notice laundry is still out and make a comment on this, to which he storms around, waking both kids (who are upset at having been woken suddenly) and starts shouting about 'what would I do if I was on my own'. He continues to shout and stomp around generally about how unreasonable I am.
So...my question to you is... was I unreasonable? How much additional 'house work'/support can I expect someone to give whilst they are also supposed to be 'working from home' in their main job? Even when I work, I use lunch breaks to make phone calls, order shopping, buy presents etc.
Many thanks in advance - conversations will commence at 8pm!

OP posts:
ToothTrauma · 01/09/2017 14:28

I don't think you are unreasonable at all. I DO think wfh doesn't suit your DH but fingers crossed moving the workstation will help.

DH works from home full time and we both love it. I leave him be, especially when he's having video meetings etc, but he certainly doesn't behave as if I don't exist and thinks nothing of doing a little job in the house here and there. Mind you his company is all remote workers and very flexible schedules so a different culture probably.

TheDowagerCuntess · 01/09/2017 14:33

I have worked from home in a full or part time capacity for over ten year, and the beauty of it is that you can often kill two birds with one stone.

Put a load of washing on here and there. Walk the dog. Wipe down the bathroom. Maybe get dinner on a bit early.

None of these are a given. Some days will be too busy. But often, you can get a bit of a jump on some tasks.

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all, OP. Working in the living room is crazy, not saying goodbye to kids is so unfathomable to me, and as for stropping around and waking sleeping kids because he's in a fit of pique, FFS. What a douche.

VeryCunningStunt · 01/09/2017 14:34

It's a very well understood mechanism for signalling that something is not true

Yep, with an added dash of sarcasm Hmm

What did you intend the inverted commas in your thread title to convey, if you weren't using them to imply that he wasn't really working?

Original poster
Bob10 · 01/09/2017 14:35

Hmm, I think Eliasandra you are mistaking rudeness for just trying to clarify that I have actually backed down from OP, have acknowledged my selfishness and have indeed taken on board MN comments and hopefully sorted the situation. It was intended with humour - perhaps misplaced Confused

I am grateful to MN and apologetic to those I have offended by seemingly dismissing wfh!

OP posts:
Ellisandra · 01/09/2017 14:36

Moving his workspace out of the main family living area is a good idea.

But I felt for him when you said about him not being tolerant of the children's questions and then not making eye contact with them when you go out. You have to be consistent with young children. That means, teaching them not to interrupt. It's confusing to allow little goodbye interruptions but not other interruptions. Far better to just teach them - no interruptions.

Original poster
Bob10 · 01/09/2017 14:44

I agree! And, to be fair, the children pretty much leave him alone - and they are both quite young so they have been great. I just get very defensive when a two year old is not said goodbye to/greeted - a gesture that would take two seconds and would mean a lot!

OP posts:
Cavender · 01/09/2017 14:59

I think you may have conflated he two issues in your mind: WFM and the fact that you really feel your DH doesn't do enough.

I think these are separate things.

If you are feeling overwhelmed then you need to discuss that with your DH and rebalance some of the chores and responsibilities.

However that's separate question to "am I unreasonable to interrupt his work".

Your DH's behaviour was dreadful but assuming that it's not normal behaviour for him, it does sound a bit like it's a reaction to stress.

Not that that makes it acceptable but moving the workstation should reduce interruptions and therefore stress.

BuckinhamL · 01/09/2017 15:03

My first manager would not allow working from home, if children were going to be present. My second manager was fine with it.

The first manager was correct.

Cath2907 · 01/09/2017 15:12

I have worked full time from home for 9 years. I have a stressful job working for a large pharmaceutical consultancy that pays our way. We have moved the office space in the house around a lot. Trying to work in the areas the rest of the family use as living space doesn't work well at all in my experience. I spent some time in the small upstairs bedroom and that got lonely. I have ended up downstairs in the dining room which is off the normal flow of the family rooms (kitchen and living room). My husband is a SAHD and he and my daughter know I will join them and do stuff with them when I can but that they can't interrupt me when they like. Sometimes I have time for breaks and laundry sorting or watching a half hours lunchtime telly. Mostly I don't.

Your DH was being unreasonable by trying to work in the family living space. When he is upstairs working I'd leave him alone (or a coffee dropped on the desk is greatly appreciated) but I'd expect him to come down and pitch in if he has some free time. Perhaps agree some "nice to haves". If he has time in the day it would be nice if he could hoover but not a problem if he doesn't get to it.

Cath2907 · 01/09/2017 15:15

Oh and to add my daughter is 6 and knows the rules (if my head-set is on she must be quiet) and always pops in the office when she comes home from work. If I can't talk I can blow her kisses. The mute button is a wonderful thing so often I can mute my line long enough to say a quick hello but if I can't she'll settle for a wave. One of the great things about WFH is being around and more part of the family. Tell your hubby not to be a dick and to greet his kids or find a sign to show when he can be greeted and when he can't.

LaurieMarlow · 01/09/2017 15:59

Your DH needs to pull his weight in the house. Without question.

But that's a separate issue to him working from home. I don't it's necessarily reasonable to ask him to do chores during his wfh time. However, I don't think he should be in the family space either. Can he work from a coffee shop or something instead (I love doing this!)

REBECCAB123 · 01/09/2017 17:29

My hubby works from home regularly and I would not expect him to do any household chores in that time, I would view that as my job. I do disturb him but to give him cups of tea and let him know that lunch is ready. I try to get fresh bread in on those days and generally make it a treat for him. I agree it's all about being a team when you are a couple, I personally think you are being unreasonable. I hope that you don't have to raise it and cause further tensions and maybe try to put yourself in his shoes. He is raising money to keep a roof over your head after all. Have a good weekend :)

Hunstanton · 01/09/2017 17:37

YANBU at all! Jeez you asked him to assist with two minor tasks (only one of which was required if it rained) which would only take a maximum of about 3 minutes.
What planet are some of you people on?!
WFH often means you are more productive (if the setting is right) due to lack of colleague distraction.
It's hardly unreasonable to ask him to do a couple of minor jobs. No one at their office sits at the desk solidly, not moving away and just working intently all day long.

He was pissed off that u caught him out when you arrived unannounced earlier, and then he was further pissed off and defensive because he'd forgotten to bring in the washing and help to carrying sleeping child.

He needs to wind his neck back in!

Maireadplastic · 01/09/2017 17:41

His stomping and stamping = feeling guilty.

Frokni · 01/09/2017 17:41

Instead of giving him sporadic roles in the house, sit down with him and ask to be in charge of just one of the chores in order to help- just laundry, just dishwasher, same thing each day and he will use it as a break activity hopefully. That's how I would structure my day work from home, however I would do more than 1 as i was PT.

The whole setup is not conducive to a good family/work balance as he needs a separate office at least, not a spot in the living room. There's a chance his home job won't last very long in a living room nook, an actual.office is what's needed in the long term (I am speaking from experience)

Good luck!

swingofthings · 01/09/2017 17:43

I just wanted some clarity on whether I could make reasonable requests for support on these days.
Asking for the occasional help, if it's possible, when he is free to do so: reasonable

Asking for things almost every day, expecting them to be done at a specific time, and getting the hump and wanting to have a 'discussion' about it when it's not done: unreasonable.

Ttbb · 01/09/2017 17:54

If he has time to watch TVs then he has time to gather the washing.

dinosaursandtea · 01/09/2017 18:02

I've been in your DH's position, and it's really frustrating. Hopefully with him working in the bedroom, it will seem less like he's just chilling at home and he'll be able to focus without distractions.

Dumdedumdum · 01/09/2017 18:03

REBECCAB odfod. The OP works as well. You left out getting him his slippers, you may be heading for divorce.

minipie · 01/09/2017 18:21

If he's got time to watch TV he's got time to bring the washing in

This exactly. Either he is really busy, head down working - no watching tv or faffing - in which case he can say he is too busy to help with laundry, kids etc. Or he's not so busy, got time for tv and elaborate lunches - in which case he also has time for a bit of laundry and help with the DC.

And yy to the workspace needing to move out of the living space. He can sit in bed with a tray table if necessary.

lucas161212 · 01/09/2017 18:22

My dh occasionally works from home. I don't ask him to do any household tasks on those days as he's working. However, I don't think he watches tv he does work. I agree with him that if he was working away from home he wouldn't be there to do these tasks.

ilovechocolate07 · 01/09/2017 18:23

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. I actually think you're very reasonable putting up with a partner who works from home in the living room! When my hubby work's from home he sets up in the dining room and although we try not to bother him, he does odd jobs. I also supply him with coffee and food (which he'd be getting for himself at work). Maybe he could set himself up in a bedroom or a coffee shop, see how it goes. As for people saying you're unreasonable for asking for help bringing sleeping children in... Have they forgotten how hard that is? I haven't and my youngest is 7 now. Would I manage if alone? Yes. Would I struggle outside when I know there's someone in there to help? No!

Minaktinga · 01/09/2017 18:25

This is a constant gripe for me. When DH is at home he looks after DS after school and sometimes needs to work. When I am at home I do a full day work, look after DS after school, wash up, do laundry, walk the dog, sort appointments, childcare etc.
Then he wonders why I'm exhausted, or comes in and asks what I want for dinner.

I sympathise OP. Sorry I can't be more help.

Original poster
Bob10 · 01/09/2017 18:29

I was about to leave this post as have actually found it really very helpful - more so actually the YABU comments as they have helped me to think about how I do view his wfh days but.....'he is raising money to keep a roof over your head' - WTF!!!!!! Just for the record, I actually used to earn much more than him pre-children and have (happily) moved to part time! Also, can I just check, this is 2017 is it not???

OP posts: