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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should i make her a cake?

181 replies

Tatiannatomasina · 31/08/2017 14:49

I work as a chef and whenever it is a special occasion or birthday for one of my collegues i bake them a cake. I only do this for the kitchen staff and managers as we are a close knit team and spend alot of time together. I never do it for front of house waitressing staff as they tend to come and go and we dont spend much time with them, i dont really know any of them. I pay for everything out of my own pocket and do it all in my own time because i enjoy it and it makes my collegues happy.
One waitress shares a birthday with one of the managers who i like very much and consider a friend. The waitress knowing i make cakes for birthdays told me she wanted a 3 tier cake for her birthday.i was a bit 😯 as no one has ever expected me to do it, i just like surprising them. I really wanted to make a cake for my manager but not this waitress. She has been told by another member of staff i dont do it for front of house staff and has approached me this evening telling me she is very disappointed with me. It was said in a serious way. I was shocked by her attitude and jokingly said maybe the manager will cut hers in half and share it with you. I actually wish i had said something alot stronger.
She has really taken the shine off something that i loved doing. When ever i make a cake we share it with everyone at work so she has always been given a piece. I now feel uncomfortable and dont know if i should just stop doing this or aibu just making a cake for my manager?

OP posts:
RhubardGin · 31/08/2017 16:21

Hi OP,

I'm on the fence with this and will probably echo what some posters have already said.

I do agree that it was very rude of her to demand a cake when this is something you do because you enjoy it and do as a gift for your colleagues.

However, I don't agree with you only baking for permanent staff. It's never nice to exclude people, no matter what the reason. If you bake cakes for colleagues birthday's you should bake cakes for ALL colleagues, not just the ones you "deem worthy" so to speak.

So I think that both of you are in the wrong here to be honest.

Original poster
Tatiannatomasina · 31/08/2017 16:22

I honestly would not have ignored her birthday, i would have felt awful making a cake for one and not the other. She knows that i make and pay for everything myself. I have only known her for about 3 months. I have known my manager 2 years. If she had not mentioned it i would have happily made 2 cakes but now i dont want to make any cakes for anyone ever again. I can see how it looks and that is why i am struggling with it, but our staff turnover is pretty high and i honestly never even thought about how the casual staff would feel as they come and go so often, they only usually last 3 months 😕 I think my real problem has been her attitude, expecting a cake then telling me off when it wasnt forthcoming.

OP posts:
AmayaBuzzbee · 31/08/2017 16:25

Can't you just make one cake which is for both of them if it's always shared anyway?

Merida83 · 31/08/2017 16:25

Op some people are just entitled - she sounds like one of them!
its one thing to spend a lot of time and effort making professional style cakes for close friends and colleague you spend so much time with. I would not be suddenly changing that now. or you could end up being expected to do it for every single person who works there and that will not only cost you a small fortune and take up an awful lot of time but will take away the pleasure you get from it as well!
i'd say stick to your normal and bake for you manager friend! and ignore miss cheeky entitled fecker!

ikeadyounot · 31/08/2017 16:26

I think you sound absolutely lovely. Please don't let this ruin your enjoyment!

I would just find her again and explain that you make cakes for your immediate team only, because of shortage of time. That you're sorry this wasn't made clear to her earlier, that you wish her a very happy birthday. If she kicks off again, tell her you'd be happy to provide the name and number of a friend who is a professional cake-maker should she want to pay for one. Wink

Willow2017 · 31/08/2017 16:27

It's nonsense.

Who in their right mind demands a cake from someone they barely see for their birthday?

It's a custom within ops team not the whole business it would cost o a fortune to do one for everyone.

Front for house staff are at liberty to make their own customs up. OP days there are 15 other staff outside her team. Surely someone could organise a cake if they wanted to?

Just for her cheek alone I would be telling her where to go.

OP has said all the staff get a piece anyway they are not being excluded.

Why do people think it's ops responsibility to bake for 25 adults when she hardly sees them, unlike her own team?

ilovesushi · 31/08/2017 16:27

I think the front of house member of staff was rude, but if you were going to make her cake anyway, could you do a combined mega cake? That way you bypass any controversy of big cake V small cake or cake V no cake. Just a thought. What a lovely thoughtful gesture BTW.

diddl · 31/08/2017 16:28

"When ever i make a cake we share it with everyone at work so she has always been given a piece."

Doesn't that kind of make it worse?

"but now i dont want to make any cakes for anyone ever again."

So don't!

RhubardGin · 31/08/2017 16:28

I think my real problem has been her attitude, expecting a cake then telling me off when it wasn't forthcoming

Do you think perhaps the other front of house staff have mentioned this tradition to her and she's decided to take it upon herself to try and make it more inclusive?

I completely agree that her attitude is rude and I would never demand or expect something from someone in this way.

MargaretCavendish · 31/08/2017 16:29

I honestly would not have ignored her birthday, i would have felt awful making a cake for one and not the other. [...] If she had not mentioned it i would have happily made 2 cakes but now i dont want to make any cakes for anyone ever again.

Hmm, but in your OP you said: I really wanted to make a cake for my manager but not this waitress. and that you never do them for front of house staff.

I think it's pretty clear that the wait staff do mind this visible sign that they're not part of the team.

grandOlejukeofYork · 31/08/2017 16:29

I think people saying its not on have never worked in restaurants and don;t actually understand.
It'd be like if you worked in an office and made someone on your team a cake, and someone from a different team in the office down the hall demanded you make one for them too. Everyone would be calling "cheeky fucker" on that one.

Does the waitress perhaps not know that you spend your own time and money doing it? Does she think its the restaurants time and money, and therefore all employees should get it? That would explain it a bit?
She's a cheeky fucker either way.

diddl · 31/08/2017 16:31

"It'd be like if you worked in an office and made someone on your team a cake, and someone from a different team in the office down the hall demanded you make one for them too."

But wouldn't only team members be eating the cake?

CabernetSauvignyoni · 31/08/2017 16:31

I don't understand why people are saying it's exclusive and mean to only bake for part of the business. They are OPs direct colleagues/friendsand the only ones she has a relationship with. The others are high turnover staff in a different department (as it were). It isn't ops fault they choose not to celebrate in a big way.

If the wait staff want big celebrations they should be organising them with each other, not expecting the kitchen staff to do it all for them for nothing in return!

Would you be happy to hand over ££ or give up several hours of your time handmaking a gift for someone you hardly know just because their birthday falls on the same day as your friend? It would set a completely bizarre precedent and Op would end up being hugely out of pocket. What happens when the next wait staff birthday comes around? Should they be left out just because they don't share a birthday?

She sounds at best a bit clueless and at worst an entitled CFColleague.

Make your friend a cake, enjoy the experience and enjoy the celebrations. You sound absolutely lovely SmileCakeFlowers

Evelynismyspyname · 31/08/2017 16:32

I understand your logic and get that you are doing something voluntarily and out of your own pocket, but I that you are misguided.

You are not talking about a very small group in a bigger organisation, but about doing something for roughly half the staff. If you just made a fuss of kitchen staff among yourselves it would be one thing, but including managers and them making speeches, and wait staff being expected to sing happy birthday to kitchen staff but not vice versa... it all sounds very divisive! Your explanations are making you sound as though you are operating a very clear two tier cake system in which waiting staff are very much inferior and expected to know their place.

It would be a far pleasanter working environment if special personal surprise cakes were presented outside of work time when staff not worthy of their own cake weren't about, and partying was done on your own time, not at work, and employees all had their birthdays acknowledged in the same way actually at work, or none of them did.

The waitress was surely joking or making a bitter, jaded dig, not actually asking for a 3 tier cake... However even if she personally was clueless and a chancer putting in her "order" (or new or wide eyed and genuinely thought that the boss was funding the cakes and they were made on work time for everyone) the fact is this one person has either bluntly or awkwardly highlighted something which is bound to be causing ill feeling.

If the two class system on of the reason there is a high staff turn over front of house? Who'd work somewhere you are seen as a second class employee?

CabernetSauvignyoni · 31/08/2017 16:33

I think it's pretty clear that the wait staff do mind this visible sign that they're not part of the team.

They aren't Confused

If this was organised by management it would be different. But it's not. It's organised by one team member for others in their team...

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 31/08/2017 16:33

Well she's just ruined it for everyone then, hasn't she :(

I'd go to your manager and explain that you're unable to make any cakes for birthdays this time around, you're really sorry. Don't tell your manager why or that will cause more problems. Just don't do any cake - and then don't do any more after this to be had at work - if you want to continue making them for your close colleagues and friends, try and give them out of hours (I know that's hard when you work in a restaurant!) so that this situation doesn't arise again.

I don't think you've been at all unreasonable up til now, tbh, by the way.
I share my birthday with my best friend - but not many of her friends know that. We've had several occasions over the years where we've been out for our birthday, and she's been the only one acknowledged by her friends - but that's how life is! They don't know me as well, only one of them EVER remembers it's also my birthday (and she always gives me something too) but I don't expect them to either remember or acknowledge me because they're not MY closed friends. This waitress's attitude is so very wrong.

blankface · 31/08/2017 16:33

Take the waitress to one side or get someone else to do it and tell her this, because she has really misunderstood the whole thing that you do.

The ones i bake for i spend 8 hours a day with 6 days a week. The others maybe 20 minutes a day. , I just still cant get my head around someone i barely know expecting me to do this for her?

She needs to be told that it's not a workplace tradition, it's something you do in your own time and spend your own money on and it's for people you spend most of your working life with.

4691IrradiatedHaggis · 31/08/2017 16:34

Hmm, but in your OP you said: I really wanted to make a cake for my manager but not this waitress. and that you never do them for front of house staff.
Exactly, bit of contradiction there. It sounds like there's a bit of a divide "us and them" being created, whether or not intentionally.
I don't get the comparison to the office down the hall either,as surely the office down the hall in a completely different department isn't the same as a waitress working in and out of the same room as the chef's team carrying plates of food etc.
That's more altogether than a different bit of contained office

Louiselouie0890 · 31/08/2017 16:36

She's a cheeky cow and I wouldn't make her one just because she told you what she wanted but I think it's a shitty move to only do it for some and not others yes you might not be as close but how do you ever expect to become close or even olive it chance of your excluding them out. Bet they feel like shit and probably don't want to be in an environment like that.

Willow2017 · 31/08/2017 16:37

OP has said that the manager is also a friend. She isnt doing it becasue she is sucking up to the manager!

Ttbb · 31/08/2017 16:38

Don't make her a cable but try to present your cake to the manager when she isn't around. Not on shift preferably

Willow2017 · 31/08/2017 16:38

I think people saying its not on have never worked in restaurants and don;t actually understand.
It'd be like if you worked in an office and made someone on your team a cake, and someone from a different team in the office down the hall demanded you make one for them too. Everyone would be calling "cheeky fucker" on that one.

^
This

RhubardGin · 31/08/2017 16:38

You are not talking about a very small group in a bigger organisation, but about doing something for roughly half the staff. If you just made a fuss of kitchen staff among yourselves it would be one thing, but including managers and them making speeches, and wait staff being expected to sing happy birthday to kitchen staff but not vice versa... it all sounds very divisive! Your explanations are making you sound as though you are operating a very clear two tier cake system in which waiting staff are very much inferior and expected to know their place

I agree with this.

I can't believe that you make the waiting staff stand around and sing happy birthday and then do nothing for theirs, it's a bit odd to be honest.

You don't know them well enough to bake them a cake but they must sing happy birthday to someone they must not know that well either Confused

Your restaurant sounds like it has a very "Us and Them" attitude.

RhubardGin · 31/08/2017 16:43

The waitress knowing i make cakes for birthdays

OP, how did this waitress know you make cakes for birthday's, who told her? It can't have been on the the kitchen staff surely if you don't mingle and why would it even come up?

So it must have been one of the other front of house staff. They've obviously cottoned on and think it's unfair.

I'm just guessing but this is what it sounds like!

WomblingThree · 31/08/2017 16:43

Thank you grandOlejukeofYork. People on here are so bloody obsessed with working in offices and "teams" that they can't see outside their own bubble.

In every restaurant I've ever worked in, Kitchen and Front of House (waiting staff) are two separate things. They socialise separately and their work doesn't generally cross over that much.

It's bloody ridiculous that people are thinking the OP is being mean and exclusive; it's just the way the hierarchy works. I'm sure that HR aren't making cakes for the Post Room, or Lorry Drivers making cakes for the Marketing Team.