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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should i make her a cake?

181 replies

Tatiannatomasina · 31/08/2017 14:49

I work as a chef and whenever it is a special occasion or birthday for one of my collegues i bake them a cake. I only do this for the kitchen staff and managers as we are a close knit team and spend alot of time together. I never do it for front of house waitressing staff as they tend to come and go and we dont spend much time with them, i dont really know any of them. I pay for everything out of my own pocket and do it all in my own time because i enjoy it and it makes my collegues happy.
One waitress shares a birthday with one of the managers who i like very much and consider a friend. The waitress knowing i make cakes for birthdays told me she wanted a 3 tier cake for her birthday.i was a bit 😯 as no one has ever expected me to do it, i just like surprising them. I really wanted to make a cake for my manager but not this waitress. She has been told by another member of staff i dont do it for front of house staff and has approached me this evening telling me she is very disappointed with me. It was said in a serious way. I was shocked by her attitude and jokingly said maybe the manager will cut hers in half and share it with you. I actually wish i had said something alot stronger.
She has really taken the shine off something that i loved doing. When ever i make a cake we share it with everyone at work so she has always been given a piece. I now feel uncomfortable and dont know if i should just stop doing this or aibu just making a cake for my manager?

OP posts:
Jaxhog · 31/08/2017 15:21

Seriously?

They say no good deed goes unpunished. This is what you get for being generous to friends.

Best suggestion i can think of is to make her a tiny, tiny 3 tier cake. Like cupcake size. Or just make them an ordinary normal sized cake to share.

Laiste · 31/08/2017 15:24

Does she realise you do it out of your own pocket?

Perhaps she thinks you just knock these cakes up out of what's in the cupboards with your left arm while you do your normal work with your right ...

RyanStartedTheFire · 31/08/2017 15:24

It is absolutely up to you but it must feel bloody shit to know you aren't seen as part of the team and people aren't interested in getting to know you or including you in things.
Especially now you've clarified it's a small family run business OP. In a large company YANBU but in a small business it's a bit of a snub really. Doesn't excuse her being cheeky though.

Italiangreyhound · 31/08/2017 15:27

Stick to your plan and make a cake for your friend.

If you want to be stronger speak to the waitress and explain that you do this in your own time and with your own money for your own team, who then share the cake with others.

At my work place there are about 5 teams and we all do things within our team, share cakes and other stuff. No one would expect to even have a piece of our cake let alone a whole one baked.

I think this woman has maybe got the wrong end of the stick, she things this is a work thing and that is why she asked. I would assume that and speak to her on that basis so....

"Name, I wanted to clear something up. I think you may be under the impression making cakes for staff is part of my job, but it is actually that I make cakes in my own time and with my own money for member of my own kitchen/management team, who then share the cake with others. So I hope you will see this is not something staff request."

Good luck.

Thanks
PollytheDolly · 31/08/2017 15:27

Awkward now. Damned if you do and damned if you don't.

Crinkle77 · 31/08/2017 15:27

I have to agree with Ryan. If it's a small company then it does seem a bit mean to exclude the waiting on staff. Even more so that the mamager presents the cake and all sing happy birthday. So you make a fuss of everyone else but not them. Perhaps the waitress thought that you did it for everyone and surely she was joking about the 3 tiers.

Lovemusic33 · 31/08/2017 15:29

I would make her a tiny cupcake and bring it out next to your managers cake Grin and make sure you replace the sugar with salt.

I think it's rude to ask, it's not as though she's paying you to make it so asking for a spacific style of cake is just rude.

AlexsMum89 · 31/08/2017 15:30

Who thinks its ok to ask for a 3 tier cake from a colleague for their birthday? She's not in your team, it's up to someone in HER team to make a fuss of her, or her manager. You are not her manager.

I can't even begin to understand the level of entitlement she must feel...
I am a bit like you, I'm the one in the office that buys birthday cards and makes a fuss of others when its their birthday/arranges new baby presents etc when everyone else doesn't bother. I know I've cheered people up and made them happy, but if anyone started taking the mick I would stop. I do it out of kindness, not obligation.

I'm sorry she's made you feel bad about something nice that you do.

InvisibleCities · 31/08/2017 15:30

Restaurants tend to have high turnovers for wait staff. The OP might make a birthday cake for someone who started last month and leaves the month after!

Perhaps she was confused and thought a cake was a perk of the job, not something you do as a gift? Even so, she sounds extremely entitled to demand a three tier cake!

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 31/08/2017 15:31

I was going to say what italiangreyhound said.

ParadiseCity · 31/08/2017 15:32

I would make one cake and put both names on it.

greendale17 · 31/08/2017 15:34

YANBU- I wouldn't be making a cake for someone I barely knew. That lady is very cheeky and rude to even ask for a cake let alone a 3 tier cake!

A 3 tier cake? Who does she think she is?

Mamabear4180 · 31/08/2017 15:35

*It is absolutely up to you but it must feel bloody shit to know you aren't seen as part of the team and people aren't interested in getting to know you or including you in things.

Maybe there is a reason waiting staff don't stay long.*

This!

Original poster
Tatiannatomasina · 31/08/2017 15:36

I bake for approximately 10 people. There are about 25 people working there in total. The ones i bake for i spend 8 hours a day with 6 days a week. The others maybe 20 minutes a day. It started as a bit of fun, now i feel shit. I made a 3 tier cake for the owners as they have a joint birthday, hence where the 3 tier idea came from. I just still cant get my head around someone i barely know expecting me to do this for her?

OP posts:
Dinosaurgalore · 31/08/2017 15:37

considering it's a small family run business it seems a bit off to only do it for certain members, it does seem exclusionary, particularly if you all get to together and sing and make speeches. If I worked somewhere and one week someone got a huge deal and the next week was my birthday and nothing happened I would feel a bit deflated.

DoomGloomAndKaboom · 31/08/2017 15:37

I would go with Italiangreyhound. I would also add she and the rest of the waiting staff are free, of course, to arrange for one of them to make all the birthday cakes for their part of the staff.

Out of interest, how many people are in the management/kitchen side, and how many are front of house? How many birthday cakes might you find yourself making each year?

GammaDelta · 31/08/2017 15:38

In normal circumstances it could have been ok for both cutting the same cake but now since she has made such a lot of fuss about it I think it's ok to ignore her..

DoomGloomAndKaboom · 31/08/2017 15:38

"She" being the colleague, not Italiangreyhound!

Somerford · 31/08/2017 15:38

I think Italiangreyhound is right, I think maybe she's under the impression that you are using ingredients provided by the business and baking in work time so it's like a gift from the business rather than you personally. Still, even if you fully expect a cake on your birthday, it's a bit off to start stipulating preferences and expressing your disappointment when your demands aren't met. A three tier birthday cake indeed.

Regardless of how it came about and whether there is a misunderstanding I feel bad for you, OP. You were doing a lovely thing for your colleagues and this has taken the shine off it for everyone. It's a shame.

sonjadog · 31/08/2017 15:39

I would just carry on as you have been doing. If you make one for her, then you have to start making for everyone, or it would look odd. I would guess that she hasn't understood that you are making them as a gift out of your own pocket. The only difference I´d probably make to this one is that I wouldn´t do a three tier one. Just to make it clear it is not her cake.

cleanlaundry · 31/08/2017 15:40

Do you really have to ask? Don't be taken for a mug and only make it for your manager. - not her. It's YOUR present to someone. Doesn't matter that the present was baked goods. If she came and asked you for a £200 Michael kors watch or a kindle for her birthday would you get one for her? No you absolutely would not and it's no different with a cake. Let her sulk if she has to, it's not mean of you.

ToothTrauma · 31/08/2017 15:41

She is out of her mind. Ignore the entitled, rude, dim little bulb and carry on as normal 🎂

Mrscropley · 31/08/2017 15:41

Get her a moonpig card with a picture of a 3 tiered cake on it. .

womaninatightspot · 31/08/2017 15:41

I've worked as front of house and it's normal for there to be a front/ kitchen divide. Kitchen staff often get better perks on the food front waiting staff get tips. Kitchen staff think we are ungrateful sods as tips tend to be dependant on nice food and unless there is a company policy that says otherwise we don't share! Is the waitress sharing her tips with the kitchen if not I'd be mentioning how disappointed you are. Cupcakes are probably the diplomatic way forward in this instance.

4691IrradiatedHaggis · 31/08/2017 15:43

Would you really have presented the manager with a cake and ignored the fact that another member of staff celebrated on the same day?

She was cheeky to ask, and I'd feel put out too. Very rude. However I was thinking exactly the same as this.
Two people you work with share a birthday, you'd ignore one and take a cake in for the other to make a fuss over?
That's weird, not to mention cliquey and excluding.
She could have been making a point as you exclude others with "oh, I'll have a three tier cake please" to draw your attention to the fact that you may be coming across a bit Mean Girls.