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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP and parents AGAIN

269 replies

thetwocultures · 31/08/2017 07:54

I know this is bloody stupid but these little things just give me headaches Sad

I know some people on here have followed my previous posts about DP and my parents not getting along. They don't see each other and don't talk due to working together in the past.

My AIBU:

I'm going to see my parents today with DS, my DDad text me yesterday asking if I could bring DSs bike seat as they were thinking of going for a ride.

The bikes are kept in a garage at DPs office (he's self employed). I asked DP if the bike seat is hard to take off and he said it's a bit of a faff as its screwed on etc. and asked me why - I told him DDad asked as they wanted to go for a bike ride etc. Immediate awkward/weird atmosphere.
I asked DP if he's in the office in the morning so I could pop in on my way there and he didn't really reply (about half and hour before this he mentioned that he's in the office most of the day BTW). Asked if he wouldn't mind having a look for me if I come up as I'd like to take it with me.
Again no real answer, I left it for the night I know most subjects re my DPs put his back up.

This morning before going to work he told me that the bike seat is not a good idea, and that I know how he feels about the situation and that he doesn't want to get involved in anything to do with my DP(arents). He also said it would be a pain to take off and put back on. And he said I would probably be unable to do it myself if I came and would then ask him and he doesn't want to get involved. He reiterated he's happy for me to stuff with them etc but doesn't want anything to do with it/wants to be kept separate. I was sat there a bit Hmm
I asked him what he expects to happen and he said they should buy their own bike seat. (DS is two and this will be the first and probably only time until at least next year that they take him for a ride hardly worth the £££s)

He then gave me a kiss as he was getting ready to leave, I just said that this just makes it harder for me and didn't really speak. He left for work.

AIBU to be put off that he's unwilling to even help me if I need it? I understand he doesn't get on or want anything to do with my parents (even though I found it extremely sad and upsetting in the past) but this just seems petty.

Also AIBU to think that expecting someone to shell out for a bike seat that might be used 2 X times a year IF that is a bit crap? Especially as it means that we can't go for a bike ride today as we won't have a seat?

I'm tempted to just go up and try and take the bloody thing off myself but I think I probably won't be able to as I'm terrible at it. I'm just annoyed Sad

OP posts:
Oliversmumsarmy · 31/08/2017 09:35

I have commented on your previous thread. I think you are still too invested in what your parents want.

If they want to take dc on a bike ride then it is up to them to facilitate this not you.

Although personally I would use the lack of a bike seat as a good reason not to have a 2 year old on the back of a bike ridden by, what has been described as a functioning alcoholic.

Original poster
thetwocultures · 31/08/2017 09:35

@certainlynotsusan my parents celebrate Christmas on a different day. It's the 25th in the UK it's not where I'm from. So I go over on my own with DS (soon to be DCs). He doesn't miss out, we get a full day with his family.

Still reading other replies just wanted to clarify that one.

OP posts:
Oliversmumsarmy · 31/08/2017 09:37

As for Christmas don't your family celebrate on Christmas Eve and you have Christmas day with your dh, and his parents. (who haven't done anything against you or your dh)

CaptainMarvelDanvers · 31/08/2017 09:38

Fruitcorner123

What about the fact that OP wants to put her feelings above his? Her parents are not nice people, he's chosen to have nothing to do with them because of this. OP needs to accept that these two parts of her life are separate and never the twain should meet.

certainlynotsusan · 31/08/2017 09:39

Okay, well that's fair. So you have a maternal family Christmas and a paternal family Christmas. Phew!

diddl · 31/08/2017 09:40

If OP is stuck in the middle it's because she chooses to be.

Your parents sound bloody awful & it sounds as if your OH is right to not want them to have your son alone or to want anything to do with them.

So, they can't take your son on a bike ride-that shouldn't be a problem at all.

Decaffstilltastesweird · 31/08/2017 09:40

I wouldn't leave my dc with a couple who have a drink problem either. I'm sorry things aren't as you would like op.

My own dm died quite young due to an alcoholic cardiomyopathy. My dad is pretty good, but I still wouldn't be able to leave my dc with him (when she is awake) as he simply isn't that capable with children. I love my dad more than my in-laws of course, but my in-laws are the ones we trust our dc with (though they rarely agree to babysit - such is life). Things aren't how I would like of course, but they are the way they are.

Original poster
thetwocultures · 31/08/2017 09:40

Also to the people that suggested counselling.

We has some couple sessions when I had mine.
He paid for it (well he said "we" did) and he said we couldn't afford anymore sessions.

At the last session upon hearing how we feel and both sides of the story the counsellor suggested to DP that he can maybe allow certain things and when that failed she made a few more suggestions to him he outright refused and got v agitated and seemed quite angry (although that might be me). The lady looked a bit Confused
That's where it ended.
And we have no funds for more counselling.

OP posts:
Wibblywobblyfoo · 31/08/2017 09:40

Can someone link yo the previous thread.? The dh sounds unreasonable buy it sounds like there's a massive backstory.

Decaffstilltastesweird · 31/08/2017 09:41

Oh and if my mum was alive and still drinking, (she was in recovery by the time she died and our dc1 was born a year after that), I wouldn't leave my dc with her.

certainlynotsusan · 31/08/2017 09:44

When a relative with a drink problem moved into PIL we wouldn't let DS go over there without us. PIL could have him at ours, or out and about but not with the relative and not at theirs.

Not wanting to leave children with/in the presence of alcoholics is relatively usual.

Fruitcorner123 · 31/08/2017 09:44

Sounds like christmas is fair enough oP. If your parents and DH dont get on it wouldnt add anything him being there. Your DH doesnt want a relationship with them, thats his right especially given the story. That doesnt mean he should be making things harder for you though. Thats unsupportive and given how much it upsets you its totally selfish.

KungFuEric · 31/08/2017 09:46

Op likes to be very vague about events, as she wants to sit on the fence and hopes we all will too and agree with her.

The long and short seems to be that her parents are unkind selfish people who have financially abused her and her husband, but she wants to play happy families. Her dp doesn't, and she likes to complain about him periodically for making her ideals slightly complicated.

I wonder how your husband can bare to forgive your betrayal op.

TootDeLaFroot · 31/08/2017 09:46

You have no more funds for counselling or bike seats because your parents stole from you.
By stealing from you, they stole from your children and yet you still pander to them.

cheeseandpineapple · 31/08/2017 09:47

I haven't seen the original threads but this is a recent thread where OP says her father has a drinking problem and is on verge of being a functioning alcoholic.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3003491-aibu-to-hold-my-ground-long

So sorry you're going through this OP but it seems you're in denial over the real issue here and projecting onto your partner your issues with your parents.

ElspethFlashman · 31/08/2017 09:47

What jumps out at me is that your Dad wanted to go on a bike ride and you are hopping smartly to attention.

I have to say, if my own Dad had said that when alive, my only response would have been "No, cos it's a right faff to unscrew the seat and bring it with me. Do something else"

Why all this palaver over an OPTIONAL activity?

certainlynotsusan · 31/08/2017 09:48

I think what he's saying is that he doesn't want your contact with them to impact him at all. He doesn't want to be dismantling things so they can be used in the other house, he doesn't want to see them and he doesn't want to lose out on family time as a result of your desire to see them. You've accepted the last two points. The bike seat thing has highlighted the first point, so it's just a case of trying to not impact him that way.

Yes, it might seem petty, but it's something you have to do for the sake of harmony.

There are rifts in both sides of our family and it's a tightrope to have to walk sometimes, but if the rifts can't be healed and you want to maintain a relationship with both sides then it's the tightrope you have to walk.

user1495451339 · 31/08/2017 09:48

Maybe he doesn't trust them to cycle with your child on the back of the bike? I would be keen on my parents or inlaws doing that either but I do worry a lot!!!

WomblingThree · 31/08/2017 09:48

I think you need to decide just who is more important. Your parents or the father of your children.

You give a long list of things that hurt you, but have you considered how hurt he might be that you won't drop the people who fucked him up?

I think that once you are an adult with children of your own, your loyalties should shift away from your parents. It wouldn't entirely surprise me if eventually your partner gives you an ultimatum, them or me. At the moment, it's pretty obvious who you would choose. Think how that makes him feel.

user1495451339 · 31/08/2017 09:48

*wouldn't

maxthemartian · 31/08/2017 09:49

Why isn't your first loyalty to your husband, who has every right to want nothing to do with your parents?

Fruitcorner123 · 31/08/2017 09:51

I think you and your DH need a long open chat about things. Can you arrange his parents to.babysit so that you can do this? This problem is not.going away and you cant afford.counselling so this is the next best thing. Did your parents steal money from you? Is your dad an alcoholic?

ikeadyounot · 31/08/2017 09:52

Again, this is not what you want to hear, but your family is NOT the perfect model family, smiling while they sing carols around the Christmas tree. It sounds as though there has been significant abuse and significant hurt, including (by the sounds of things) your parents driving your partner's business into the ground! You cannot simply expect people to get over that and be OK with it. There are some actions that are just so bad they aren't really forgiveable - you just have to find a way of working around them.

Your DP is taking a reasonable position. He doesn't want to see your family, but he's not stopping you from doing so on your own. It's actually you who is refusing to see his point of view here. You're sticking your fingers firmly in your ears and singing "la, la, la" over his hurt because it interferes with a fantasy world you've created in which your family haven't done the things they have.

If this thread was reversed and it was a woman saying "I don't want anything to do with my husband's family - they financially abused us several times and are not nice people, but my DH is forcing me to have a relationship with them" the replies would be really different.

Ttbb · 31/08/2017 10:00

It is s not unreasonable to expect him to go to all that faff. I'm sure that he has better things to do with his time and there really is no necessity for you to go for a bit me ride so why should he waste his time to make you father happy?

Fruitcorner123 · 31/08/2017 10:01

ikeadyounot she isnt asking for him to have a relationship with them. She has agreed to only seeing them when he is at work and not allowing them to babysit. She simply hoped he might take a bike seat off a bike to make things easier for her. Its not really about them or having a relationship with them its about deliberately being awkward when its your own wife that will suffer.

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