DP and parents AGAIN

[thetwocultures]

I know this is bloody stupid but these little things just give me headaches

I know some people on here have followed my previous posts about DP and my parents not getting along. They don't see each other and don't talk due to working together in the past.

My AIBU:

I'm going to see my parents today with DS, my DDad text me yesterday asking if I could bring DSs bike seat as they were thinking of going for a ride.

The bikes are kept in a garage at DPs office (he's self employed). I asked DP if the bike seat is hard to take off and he said it's a bit of a faff as its screwed on etc. and asked me why - I told him DDad asked as they wanted to go for a bike ride etc. Immediate awkward/weird atmosphere.
I asked DP if he's in the office in the morning so I could pop in on my way there and he didn't really reply (about half and hour before this he mentioned that he's in the office most of the day BTW). Asked if he wouldn't mind having a look for me if I come up as I'd like to take it with me.
Again no real answer, I left it for the night I know most subjects re my DPs put his back up.

This morning before going to work he told me that the bike seat is not a good idea, and that I know how he feels about the situation and that he doesn't want to get involved in anything to do with my DP(arents). He also said it would be a pain to take off and put back on. And he said I would probably be unable to do it myself if I came and would then ask him and he doesn't want to get involved. He reiterated he's happy for me to stuff with them etc but doesn't want anything to do with it/wants to be kept separate. I was sat there a bit
I asked him what he expects to happen and he said they should buy their own bike seat. (DS is two and this will be the first and probably only time until at least next year that they take him for a ride hardly worth the £££s)

He then gave me a kiss as he was getting ready to leave, I just said that this just makes it harder for me and didn't really speak. He left for work.

AIBU to be put off that he's unwilling to even help me if I need it? I understand he doesn't get on or want anything to do with my parents (even though I found it extremely sad and upsetting in the past) but this just seems petty.

Also AIBU to think that expecting someone to shell out for a bike seat that might be used 2 X times a year IF that is a bit crap? Especially as it means that we can't go for a bike ride today as we won't have a seat?

I'm tempted to just go up and try and take the bloody thing off myself but I think I probably won't be able to as I'm terrible at it. I'm just annoyed

Op they're your parents, not his.

I think I remember one of your previous threads and from what I can remember, they're toxic.

I think you have to look at it from his point of view, imagine if his parent's actions caused incredible hurt and pain onto your family would you forgive them? I would imagine that you wouldn't and that you would do what a lot of people her are advised to do when it comes to their toxic in laws - you would leave your partner to it but you would not have anything to do with them.

Not sure why you needed to involve him. Your DH has made it clear he doesn't want to be involved but he somehow still is. I'm not sure why you're more irritated by your DH's lack of involvement. Your Dad could equally be being awkward by mentioning wanting the bike seat.

If it's easy to take the seat off do it yourself. Ours was a right pain.

Bike seats are a big faff to fit IME so I wouldn't bother.

Your DH is being loud and clear that he will not put himself out for anything involving your DP. That isn't going to change ever.

@ikeadyounot I think it would be unreasonable and provocative of you to take the bikeseat when he's asked you not to.

Is it? It's not like it would stop him using it. I'm not asking to borrow his office chair. It's sitting in the garage where it has been since spring as that's when he last took him out. He doesn't exactly have ownership over DSs bike seat.

And to some of the posters - I'm not asking him to have anything to do with them. I asked for help getting a bike seat off a bloody bike! Would his reaction have been the same if i didn't say it was to do with my parents?

Is the plan for your dad to take your two year old on a bike that your dad will be riding?

In one of your previous threads you mentioned that your dad has a drinking problem which your mum enables and he is on the verge of being a functioning alcoholic. They were drunk at 10am one morning after falling out with you over some arrangements.

If that's the case, regardless of your partner's stance, bike ride doesn't sound like a good idea.

You're obviously conflicted in all this but need to put the safety of your child ahead of everything and have bigger issues to address than your partner's resistance to helping you change a bike seat?

All of the reasons listed as I comply seem fair to me. You still involve him in this visit. Either remove the bike seat yourself or leave it. I'm not surprised he wants nothing to do with them. I wouldn't either.

And to some of the posters - I'm not asking him to have anything to do with them. I asked for help getting a bike seat off a bloody bike!

But why are YOU going so out of your way to accommodate your ddad's request? It isn't convenient for YOU. It probably isn't convenient for you to dh. I don't imagine your DS cares much about a bike ride?

And, if your parents often flake over arrangements with your DS then why should either you or DH go to any trouble to remove the bike seat, which isn't designed for that when they might end up cancelling? Again, sorry if I'm off base, but you sound like you are desperate to stay 'in' with your dps tbh. Fine, if that's your choice. But I wouldn't go to any trouble for them in your DH's shoes either. And getting one of those seats off a bike can be an utter ball ache!

I honestly don't see the issue with the DP. He isn't shouting and screaming and behaving like a loon. He calmly said no, which is well within his rights. Maybe he doesn't really want his two year old on the back of a bike with someone he neither likes nor trusts.

It would be a very different response if this was regarding a woman's MIL rather than a man's FIL.

The OP said her DH wanted them to buy their own seat so hes not objecting to the bike ride just objecting to the inconvenience. Doesnt mind his pregnant wife being caught in the middle and inconvenienced though.

You mention that neither of you have the money for a new bike seat - isn't that their fault, though?

Why is it suh a problem to tell your parents "nice idea but no can do?"

You really need to get your head around the fact that your DH wants absolutely nothing to do with your parents, and that includes little things to facilitate something they want.

If your PIL had done what your parents have and your DH mentioned being worried that he'd be left with all the care of them when they were older in a way that sounded like he hoped you'd put aside your justified issues to help people would tell you to LTB.

I think the top and bottom is - I'm sick of it.

I feel like everyone's feelings are getting validated but my own.

It hurts me that I can't leave DS alone with my parents. (Regardless of the reasons for it it can still hurt ok?)
It hurts me that if DPs parents can't accommodate DP will cancel an outing/event as he will under no circumstances leave DS with my parents be it for an hour or a day.
It hurts me that I am asked to "consider his feelings and not force him to do anything he doesn't want to do" but I'm ok constantly accommodating it and pushing my feelings to the back.
It also hurts and gives me a lot of heartache to know he won't ever be around for Christmas and other events.
It hurts me that my parents are the way they are.
It hurts me that no one will accept any of their shortcomings.
It hurts me how hard headed they all are.

I've been working on this and myself.
I've put up boundaries when it comes to my parents. I've asserted myself and worked on my confidence. I'm not a pushover anymore.

DP knows how hard it's been and how hurt I've felt. I've even had counselling.
And I know how he feels and I've made every effort to accept, understand and support him in his decisions.

I've not asked for much. Yet even that can't be accommodated and I've been told I'm being unreasonable to expect some practical help.

Sorry that was long, I just needed to get it off my chest.

Op, it couldn't really be any more clear that he has no intention of helping your parents now, let alone in old age, and I'm amazed his intentions aren't that clear to you! You can't realistically be hoping he'll help you with them in old age?

I remember your other posts (I think)? Your parents sounded very manipulative. I'm sorry you're in this position, it sounds awful. Perhaps you should think about relationship counselling so you and your partner can sort out these issues around your parents?

I think you should stop being so needy, go there and take the bike seat off yourself. Yes you're pregnant but you're no unable. You're writing yourself off as useless when there's no reason for it.

Go, get seat, leave. Sorted.

If what other posters are saying about your parents and functioning alcoholics then that puts quite another spin on your DH's refusal to leave your DS with them and to be honest (and I'm sorry as it's clear you are v tired and v stressed by all of this), you should not want to leave your child with them either, at all!

So they have a drink problem too? I'm with your dp. YABU

This issue is not going to go away.

Your DH is not going to soften over your DP.

You can decide to stay in your marriage or leave. You can decide to massively cut back your involvement with your DP or not.

When you marry you are told to leave and cleave to your spouse for this very reason. Choose your side or choose to be on your own.

If your parents are toxic then I know who I would choose.

OP, your DP has gone NC with your toxic parents, he's allowed to do that and kudos to him. No point in wasting your time with people who would screw your family over.

Oh OP - poor you. You're stuck in the middle and it's shit. And you're heavily pregnant and it's all a bit overwhelming

Forget the bike seat. It wasn't possible- your dad will need to do something else today instead. Loads of ways to have fun with a toddler on a sunny day.

If you can't leave your DC with your parents because there are concerns about their fitness to look after DC then that's the way it is. If it were petty, that's different but if there are genuine concerns over their supervision then the risk, however tiny you perceive it to be, is not worth your DCs safety or the fallout to your marriage if there were an incident, no matter how small. Try to organise another trusted babysitter perhaps, so you have another back up if your ILs can't help?

Hope you have a good day.

Wait! It's your husband that misses out on Christmas??

I would be hurt too OP. He is putting himself ahead of you and your feelings and they probably are too. You would expect a life partner to understand your feelings and have a bit more concern for them.

Would he.consider coming to couples counselling with you and trying.to agree some more reasonable boundaries rather than everything being on his terms. It sounds like he gets to decide everything and if you wont go along with it you are accused of being unreasonable. You have years of this ahead.of you.

Can I ask what happens at christmas