AIBU expect friends to ask how my baby is

[Parttimeworkingmummy2017]

AIBU to expect some life long friends (uni) to ask how my baby is doing? My daughter is 9 months old and since she has born they have played little to no interest in her - seen her twice at most despite one of them living 5 minutes round the corner, granted some live up to 1 hour drive. However they rarely rarely even ask how she is via message. Tonight we met up for dinner, a small group of us, and not one of them asked how my daughter is, not even a passing comment. I sat there for nearly two hours and ended up making my excuses and left because I was so upset about it.

To be clear I'm not expecting to talk babies all night (none have kids although one is heavily pregnant and she spoke at length about her pregnancy). I've been friends with them for 11 years and whilst we only meet every 1-2 months I would still describe them as 'close' friends. I am starting to get more and more upset about their lack of interest in my daughter but AIBU????

I think you're being pretty harsh here Birch.

I'm with you OP - they were horrible.

Silver birch, I spotted that too. and I think it's probably pretty close to the mark. It's so easy to get completely subsumed into parenting and feel completely different to your friends without kids. It definitely plays into new parents feeling more comfortable with others who are also completely buried by their new roles, and is exacerbated by people without kids who have literally no clue that the child is actually your entire life and you can't think of anything else to talk about.
It's pretty normal.
Later, when they all have kids, they will probably get back together and spend glorious hours talking about lack of sleep, mastitis, developmental stages, and swapping birth stories for the millionth time.
Until then, their lives have literally nothing in common.

You sound like a bit of an arse SilverBirch.

It's not unusual for close friends to take an interest in each other's lives. I would be surprised if my friends had not asked how my LO was doing if I had not seen them for a while.

I really don't think i would notice if my friends did or didn't ask. Sometimes we chat kids mostly we don't. Especially the non kids groups. If the baby was new born it would be totally different if they didn't ask.

I am going to go even further and say that it is OK if not everyone in the group even gets a "how are you?"

It's not alcoholics anonymous or slimming world, we don't have to go around the group and tell our stories.

If I arrive and three friends are already in conversation, I don't want them to stop and ask "How are you?", I want them to say "we were just talking about X's new house" so I can join in. The conversation might move on to other house-moving stories, from that to commuting issues, from that to someone's job, from that to someone's business trip, from that to someone's holiday, from that to someone's visiting their family, from that to a general discussion on parents being difficult, from that to chat about a wedding, from that to a discussion of wedding outfits we have worn or bought or seen, from that to the woman who wore a white sparkly dress to a friend's wedding and what she is doing now.

An evening could pass and I wouldn't have had a "how are you?" and I'd have no idea if any of the others had had one either.

I don't think Silver is being an arse.

Before people have children themselves, to them, asking how a baby is would be like asking how someone's cat or dog is.

Parents and husbands and older children do stuff but babies don't. They lie, they roll around, they cry, they poo...

Of course, when we have them, we realise that they are amazing little people right from the start and that you can see their personalities grow and that they amaze you every day by every single little thing they do.

But until that point, people don't know that.

I remember before my son was born, my brother asking me how old he'd be when he started being interesting. He just had no concept of what a 'baby' would be (neither did I really, I think I said I didn't know!) and then, at my grandma's birthday two weeks later, he said he couldn't believe he'd ever asked that question because he was already fascinated by everything he did.

The OP might feel better about it if she were to understand this. And, like Zany, I don't think I'd have noticed if people asked or not.

I still think being so upset she left the restaurant was an over reaction.

But if OP had started a new exciting job and none of her friends ever mentioned it... not even in passing to say "oh how's it going".. wouldn't it be odd? While discussing another friend's interview extensively?

I'm not always deeply interested in my friends' new job, or another friend's home renovation or all the trouble someone is having with her SIL, or someone's wedding plans or their summer holiday. Yet if I refused to even mention these things people would say I was being rude.

Yet when it's a baby alone we can just pretend like it's not a major important part of someone's life and absolutely no one should be interested and we're all just PFB crazy women if we expect anyone to show the slightest interest?

OP didn't say her friends kept changing the topic or didn't want to hear details of her 9 month old's progress over the past week, but that not one even asked how the kid is doing. That's rude! And I'm sorry op but these people aren't friends really.

I don't have kids but a few years ago I went through a very rough patch dealing with a family member's terminal illness and other more "grown up" issues I suppose, and had a similar experience when I hung out with my closest girlfriends where they went on about inanities and work politics and drama and not one asked me once about all the heavy stuff I was dealing with. I remember leaving in tears and feeling very distant. I think it's just par for the course. Put it down to experience and move on!

Oddly enough, I too spotted the OP's choice of username and Birch's thought flashed through my mind.

I think it is true that "how's things?" is a general opening that allows YOU to say stuff like "we're all great" or "I'm shattered because the baby isn't sleeping well" or "I'm Ok but DH is ill". I would generally not say "how is the baby?" because if there is any news I would expect to be told.

Generally, there is very little to say about babies. It's not, as other posters have said, the same as when they are children and starting developing personalities and interests that actually make specific questions "how are they finding nursery?" etc an option.

I think you were a bit unreasonable leaving the restaurant over it but became far more unreasonable with your similar flounce here and dig at people who disagreed with you.

I find talking about babies and childre (even my own) utterly boring and tedious and I certainly don't want to spend an evening out discussing children; out of politeness I will probably say 'how is X?' but I find it so boring when parents drone on and on about their children - my DS has just had his GCSE results and all the angst and stress and talk of re-grading (fortunately not amongst my immediate friends) is just as tedious as all the sleeping/weaning issues years ago. .

I can still remember (16 years later) being quite offended when, on telling my 'best friend' that I was pregnant (her children were 4 & 8 at the time) - 'oh that's wonderful, we will have so much more in common'. I was offended because I thought our friendship was so much more than 'being mothers'. . Note: she didn't mean 'wonderful' in that I was having a longed for pregnancy - it was a complete shock .

I think you severely overacted by leaving the evening early.

I can't see how the friends are "refusing" to talk about the OP''s baby. They just didn't bring up the subject.

Completely gobsmacked by some of these responses. No wonder so many new mums find it hard to adjust (not aimed at you op, talking generally). I mean even fellow mums expect us to go on maternity leave, give birth, care for a baby and pretend that nothing has happened. Just awful comments...babies are boring, other people's children are boring... really unpleasant.

I'm feeling grateful for my friends - we do ask each other about children, parents, partners, aunts, even the dog - if we know they are part of their lives.

I appreciate people find baby talk boring, but I lots of topics dull but I try be momentarily interested if I see it's important to someone else. Except for skiing. I really wish people would accept the quality of the snow last year is not a conversation.

I'm sure the OP's friends would have acted interested if the subject of the baby had been come up - they may even have been interested for real - all they did is fail to bring up the subject. The OP is treating this as a deliberate choice and a personal slight.

OP, I think you're absolutely NBU. It was rude of them and I can understand why you're hurt.

As for the PPs who say it's "tedious" to talk about babies - well, it's tedious and rude to dominate the conversation and bore on for ages about ANYTHING, not just babies. And it's good manners to have a bit of back-and-forth in a conversation, and talk about what's going on in everybody's life. Good conversations, and friendships, go both ways.

If you like someone enough to be friends with them, you care about what's important to them. I have a friend who's a keen runner - not something I'm into at all - but you know what? It IS interesting hearing about how it's changed her life, and I feel genuinely excited for her when she does really well in a race. But if she went on in great detail about her training schedule, or whatever, that would probably get dull.

Likewise with babies - my good friends who don't have children will often be more interested in how MY life has changed, or what our day-to-day life looks like etc. But they always ask. And for my part, I have the courtesy not to drone on about sleep routines, weaning or nappies, because I know it won't be interesting or relevant to them.

I don't know why people assume that when you become a parent you have to either A) become a full-on "baby bore", talking about nothing else or B) deny you're a parent and never mention your offspring. Actually there's a lot of middle ground and a decent conversational balance can be struck!

Yanbu, though as predicted there are lots of posters coming out with the old 'how dare you expect anyone else to give an ounce of shit about your baby' as if it somehow brings harm to them to think about something they're not 100% interested in for a matter of seconds . It only ever seems to be with children too, any other life event that was important to you, everyone would probably agree yanbu.

It's ridiculous, really. It's just polite to ask about the most significant things in a friend's life. If I had a friend doing a PhD, engaged to be married, pregnant, going travelling, or anything else that mattered to them, I would ask about it, even though not all of those things particularly interest me. I'm not a wedding person in the slightest, for instance. I'd still ask. Just because something isn't my cup of tea, doesn't mean I won't bother to mention it.

Before I had children I was in no way a baby person! I would still always ask my friends how theirs were. I expect the same back.

I think many of us who don't think the friends' reaction was unreasonable just find the OP's degree of upset about it more unreasonable.
It does sound like rather than have an enjoyable evening chatting to her friends she sat there waiting to be asked about her baby and left upset when they hadn't. That's not how friendships normally work. If I have some news I want to impart then I bring it in to the conversation.
If the OP felt unable to do this then it sounds as though she needs more friends she can feel more relaxed and informal with rather than feel she has to be asked about stuff she wants to talk about, although other people's relatives are often boring and not an extended topic of conversation for a large group.
I stopped going to NCT groups because all the women wanted to talk about was their babies.

YANBU

Things I have spoken to people about:
-my mates latest diet
-my mates job
-the applicants for a job in dp's lab
-the colour of my sister's bedroom curtains (I swear two of the swatches she showed me were the same bloody colour)
-my mates kids
-my mates sporty hobby

All of them I have not been especially interested in. I asked after them anyway because i'm their friend and want them to know that I'm interested in their lives (even if I'm not interested in that particular detail). I can't imagine meeting up with a friend who had a 9 month old and not even asking about them- not even taking 30 seconds to check in. I do sometimes wonder how some posters on here keep friends if they are totally unwilling to ask about anything that they don't find scintillating!

I think many of us who don't think the friends' reaction was unreasonable just find the OP's degree of upset about it more unreasonable.

That's a good point Rebecca. I think it's a matter of degrees and probably down to what we've experienced in our lives.

Earlier this year we underwent a traumatic experience (not relevant to this thread), and in subsequent conversations with friends this was largely ignored or unacknowledged - mostly because people find talking about tragedies taboo I think. Anyway, some of these conversations were fine - I knew the friends cared about us deeply and their attempts at inanities and humour were well-meant. And others where I could make out that they just weren't interested and were super self-ventured. So the former didn't bother or upset me, while the latter left me in tears. Although in both conditions my post about it would probably read along the lines of : I went out with friends and they completely ignored this big thing in my life.

I guess if we've had more of the former experience we're inclined to be charitable to the friends and think the OPs reaction is OTT. And if we've had more of the latter we sympathise with the OP.

I don't think OP is being particularly unreasonable. That she was hurt enough to come write a post about it suggests her friends weren't just glibly chatting about a whole bunch of topics and simply didn't mention her baby on this one occasion. It sounds more like they're sending a signal that they're firmly uninterested in what's going on in her life (and at 9 mos it's presumably okay that the big thing in her life is the baby!).

Most would, I think, expect "how are you?" or "how's things?" or "how is everything going?" or, well, any other salutation, to cover the baby too.
This ^^. And I think the fact that it was a group thing changes the dynamic. If it was a meet up with one friend then you'd probably expect a "how's child?" question at some point because there's more scope for in-depth conversation. But as a group then I'd assume if anyone had any stories about their offspring they wanted to share they'd just share them. I wouldn't feel the need to ask after every member of their family. I'd go with a "how are things with you?" on meeting as a general socially-polite greeting & wait for a proper update as part of general conversation later.
Leaving 2 hours later all upset sounds precious. And I wouldn't expect to be asked in a text because it's not the medium for long conversations & social niceties.

Op I really disagree with what some others are saying and I completely agree with you. I had it happen recently with my cousin, growing up we have been really close and she didn't send me a congratulations text when I had DS and ignored me for months. Then a few days before my sisters wedding that she was going to text me telling me how 'booby' and revealing her dress was and she couldn't wait to get on the dance floor. Not a dickie bird even when he had life saving surgery at 3 weeks old. I'm still bitter and have ignored the message and not tried to contact her since. It really upset me! So no IMO YANBU it's just basic manners!!

I have a uni friend with a baby 9 months old, but thankfully another friend lives close by and sees her a lot, so it can't be me!

I don't ignore my friend's babies, but I try to find as much to talk about that isn't babies, especially when the baby isn't there. It isn't JUST that baby talk is dull, it's just that I know for myself that I will absolutely loath being asked nothing but baby questions.

Heck, I got cats two weeks ago, and I'm sick of talking about them to everyone who asks!

If they see you and show interest in you still, I reckon that's pretty good going.

The OP is saying she didn't want to spend the whole evening talking about her baby, she just wanted them to express an interest in how the baby was doing. Some of you are saying the baby isn't your friend, but possibly neither is her partner but you'll probably be ok with talking about their relationship? The baby is of equal importance to your friend so you should be at least a little bit interested.

But at the same time, one of the OP's friends was talking about her pregnancy so presumably she could have shared her own pregnancy stories and then moved on to say how things have moved on since DD was born.

Talking about babies is no more boring than talking about another friend's hobby. Ideally all the friends will get to share about what's going on in their lives, you express an interest because presumably you like your friend and are interested in what's important to them.

Wow, wasn't trying to be an arse.

I love hearing about babies, I have even studied early childhood development so my point is not that babies are boring. I personally always ask about people's kids during 1:1 catch ups because I'm genuinely interested.

But OP was in a big group and the other topics (heavily pregnant, new jobs, current renovations) were big changes happening now in people's lives. I assume they also discussed things like Trump, Brexit etc, again, big things happening now.

OP's baby was born 9 months ago, & I'm guessing that was a prime topic of conversation at the time. I'm sure she's lovely but she isn't news anymore, if that makes sense? If OP had big news about the baby (started to crawl, planning an epic 1st birthday etc) then OP could have brought it up when they asked her how she was.

If she caught up with one friend for coffee, I would expect the friend to ask. But in a group catch up, between busy people with a lot going on, then status quo in people's lives generally doesn't tend to get discussed in the limited time together.

It's uni friends, not a mothers group. They won't all be interested in babies, it's not personal.

Do wonder whether some people were dragged up in a barn. I'm pretty socially awkward and rubbish at making conversation but I know to ask people about the important things in their life. (e.g. their kids, partner/spouse, job, important events that happened recently, holidays whatever). If you have no interest in what's going on in your friends life, why are they your friends?

I met a friend yesterday for lunch - we both have 3 kids - different ages but all attend the same school

Neither asked or mentioned the kids

We talked about holidays, recent event, jobs, fashion, etc