AIBU to not pay for DD's skin removal surgery?

[MrsParkinson]

Hi Mumsnet,

I am looking for unbiased opinions here.

A bit of a backstory. My daughter is 19 and has always been overweight from about 8, she used to sneak a lot of food and I did everything to stop that, things did improve, but at around 11, she just kept putting on weight until she was 18 really and ended up at 20 st, she began slimming world and I am really proud of her for getting to an ideal weight in these last couple of years (almost 20).

She is currently on a gap year so does work. I admit she definitely doesn't waste her money by any means, it's just unfortunate she is in a min wage job - she plans on going to uni next year.

I am definitely not rich or well off, I have to work full time and although on 40k a year, it isn't lots. I have 2 other DC at uni too, so they need some financial help.

She has been recently receiving psychological help and before getting this, admitted she overate, etc. but since having therapy has become a bit "I was only a child and I'm sad you let me get fat" and just stuff along those line, when really that's unfair and a bit passing the blame. She got heaviest when she was a teenager, I couldn't control that.

We recently spoke about her loose skin, something she brought up with me. I do appreciate it's hard for her, she is a young adult and obviously it isn't something she wants. She has spoken to the GP who says due to it not causing any health issues, there is nothing the NHS can do, which is fair enough.

She has asked if she can 'borrow' the money. The thing is, she has no way of paying this back... She is on 10k a year and plans on going to uni next year, so she just won't be able to.

There is some money put away for me that's from my husband, definitely not a lot, but is a financial aide for me. There is enough to cover the cost, but I am then left with no financial security and I do need that. Especially when she just can't pay anything back.

I suppose I'm looking for advice on weather I am being unreasonable for not paying for the surgery?

Thank you for your time if you reply.

Apologies, i read the OP this morning and thought I picked up an element of stampy feet but now Im clearly out of my morning bad mood I dont get that feeling anymore tbf. But it sound like its potentially building up to it with the DD actively blaming OP so that may come next if OP says shes not willing to pay for it/all of it.

OP, you are you daughter's only parent.

You have money in the bank that her father left, presumably for all of his family and not just you?

I don't understand why you wouldn't contribute something that would ease your daughter's pain and self consciousness? She has gone from a very hurt little girl who used food as a crutch her entire life to a very strong and resourceful woman.

Why on earth do you not want to support that? It doesn't have to be all the money it could be as little as a thousand pounds which is only 1/40 to be paid back once she's working. You just seem intent on holding onto money in a bank when it could change your own child's life.

I agree: this sounds like an emotional eating response, and I think you best some responsibility as a parent for that.

You cannot, however, absolve yourself of all blame for this by paying for an operation. That seems a false equivalence to me: yes, you are guilty of allowing an 8 year old to overeat, no that does not mean that you have to sacrifice your financial security to pay for an op now.

I do think it would be a good idea to shelve the whole conversation until after your DD has been to uni for 2 reasons: firstly, losing weight is a different game from keeping it off and uni is a perilous time for weight gain, and secondly, financial circumstances often change quite a lot in your early 20s. Given that you don't have unlimited financial resources, it seems sensible to say that you will help your DD through uni, to ensure that she's not overburdened with debt, allowing her to use her salary when she exits to pay for her surgery herself in her 20s.

Can you make an appointment to see her counselor? Some insight might help?

It is next to impossible to ensure all children feel loved and looked after fairly and equally when sometimes their needs are not equal even though our love for them is equal.

My siblings and I have huge amounts of emotional energy tied up in 'who is loved more', 'who is supported more', 'who has been given more' in relation to our relationship with our parents. I have three children and I know that they feel loved differently, they are three different children and their needs are not the same at any given moment. I know I will not get this perfectly right, far from it, but I try (I might be kidding myself but I try) to make them feel loved and for that love to be more important than anything else.

You need to look at what each child needs and make each one feel that they get what they need. The support she has needed living at home during her gap year is not the same as the support your other children have needed at university, so cutting her allowance off at 21 might not actually be so reasonable.

Good luck finding an answer and helping your daughter escape from her overeating past. She has a mountain ahead of her to climb if she is to come out of this unscathed.

Autofill - because most of the time losing the weight is almost the easy bit, its keeping it off afterwards that's the bastard. And strangely IME it can pile back on very quickly and then take longer and longer each time to get off.

Autofillcontact- losing that amount of weight is only half the battle. Her daughter needs time to see if she can maintain her new weight and no put any on

BUt if she puts it back on her skin will stretch again- the fat won't refill the current stretched skin surely?! So it doesn't actually make any difference

Personally I would ask her to wait a year to see if she can keep the weight off and ask her to save a small amount each month towards it but then yes I would pay for it.

not your fault that your daughter got to the weight that she did

Her dd was overweight from 8 years on - of course its her fault

Well of course the skin would just stretch again but given there is a very real chance the DD will regress surely its better to wait to check it will be a permanent weight loss before any of them shell out? Especially as the DD could well go back to OP in a few years asking for more money for a further op.

Your are absolutely responsible for her issues when she was a child and if it was my child I would support them however I could as I would feel as guilty as hell for letting her get so overweight in the first place.

Just because you had two children without food/weight issues, does not mean you get to feel no blame because you did not resolve the issues for the child that did.

There are times when you need to be the parent and show your dd some loyalty and not discuss her personal issues with your other dc. It is you and your dd's issue and absolutely none of their business, especially when they are not supportive, all they are doing is picking on their little sister saying its her fault and taking sides.

I think you dd is awesome for losing all that weight especially with the emotional burden of a mum and 2 siblings telling her it was all basically her own fault.

ThoseFemales Thankyou Thats very kind

I know so you shouldn't have let her get fat as a kid but boohoo! My parents let me eat crap as a kid but once I became an adult I educated myself and ate sensibly

Which is what OP’s daughter has done – she is only 19 now and has lost 11 stone!

OP, just how fat was she aged 8? And aged 11? For a child to be severely overweight at those ages is not just because they sneak a bit of extra food. She has an eating disorder and if she developed it by the age of 8 I’d be asking myself why. I’m not saying an eating disorder is your fault but didn’t you notice lots of food going missing as she obviously didn’t have money whilst at primary school to spend on it. Did you ever discuss the issue with her or with the doctor?

I, too, find it interesting that as soon as she got to around 18 she started making a concerted effort to lose weight.

Yes I think if she came back again neeeding it OP would have to say no

That said I do sort of agree with PP above- now is her time to be able to work morning noon and night, especially if you help her through uni. With saving and planning she could save half the money in a year, 18 months, and maybe you could chuck in a couple of grand and go abroad as PP sugggested somewhere where it will be significantly cheaper

I would help her. In fact I can't imagine not helping my daughter in that situation. Losing that amount of weight is a tremendous achievement and I think you and her siblings should be acknowledging this instead of trying to pass the buck about why she got fat in the first place. Who knows for sure, but if she was fat from the age of 8 then you must surely bear some responsibility as a parent. Children don't get fat overnight and they don't only get fat from eating sweets and unhealthy snacks. (A member of my family is massively overweight as a result of being offered food (or bottles of milk initially) as a pacifier from the earliest age. She was always praised for being a good eater - healthy, home-cooked meals, but huge portions and second helpings. Little wonder that she has issues around food and finds comfort in the kitchen) It's irrelevant now anyway - the moment has passed, you can't turn back the clock and stop her getting fat in the first place, but you can help her face the future with confidence. I'm not sure why you wouldn't want to do that if you could?

SilverBirchTree

I take issue with all the PP telling OP she should part with her nest egg for her adult daughter's benefit.

This attitude is why so many older women live in poverty. They are encouraged to sacrifice over and over again for others and then condemned for failing to plan for their own retirement.

OP is not a wealthy woman and she is in the second half of her working life, with no spouse to help. Her daughter has her whole working life ahead of her to save/pay off this cost

I completely agree with this ^

As many previous posters have said, your daughters' skin may recover by itself over time. Definitely don't throw away half of your nest egg for the future on cosmetic surgery. Anything could happen; you could become disabled, one of your children might. Tens of thousands is way too much to spunk on something nonessential when you have limited years to save for your retirement, are single and supporting 3 almost adults.

TDH Manchester from page 8

Everyone thinks that getting under the surgeons knife /having a gastric bypass etc is the big answer. Truly it isnt. Unfortunately fat causes skin to be stretched. Now its quite possible to lose wait ,excercise and pursue a healthier lifestyle and mitigate that stretching and indeed, get close to fit again.

"Maybe this should be explored first. Maybe the surgeons knife is just a lazy shortcut? Even so it wont turn the lady into a washboard tummed supemodel. No,it will likely look aweful and with scars. Have you seen those tv programmes?

Either way, i dont think id be paying...more effort needed on her part."

More effort?? Shes lost 11 stone you stupid man. Women who have been through this dont expect to be "supermodels"

But what we do expect is to be treated with respect.

What we do expect is not to be told that we can excersise off loose skin.

What we do expect is not to be trolled on fb by men opening accounts looking for women to bully by telling them they shouldnt have got fat in the first place ..........Well no shit Sherlock clones. Are formerly overweight people expected to own a Tardis as well.

And let me say something to the "youll only put it back on again" brigade. Unlikely for some of us even when we do experience a trauma. Last Oct we had to have our beautiful and much loved 15 yr old cat put to sleep. My bodys response was to NOT eat. I was upset (still am) and didnt feel hungry at all. I had just said goodbye to a beautiful pet that never judged me and didnt care what size i was (or had been) But she was there for me throughout my weight loss and would lie in the bedroom watching over me when i was wracked with pain from the gallstones.

Psychologically i have developed a very big fear of weight gain. I wont take contraception or risk pregnancy. (DH is disabled and cant anyway) so it doesnt matter too much. I will NOT take the Pill and i wont be taking steroids should i ever have the misfortune to get ill either.

There was an MNer who posted on here a while ago that her consultant moaned about her weight while at the same time writing her another prescription for steroids. It was only after she kicked off at being treated like this that they prescribed the more expensive alternative.

Its goalpost moving and it shouldnt be happening.

Could you offer to pay half? That might also act as an incentive to her to keep the weight off as she will know how hard she had to work to pay the other half?

Once loose skin is stretched it does not go back. Yes there is a PP on this thread who has not fared badly in this respect but both i and the OPS DD have lost over twice that amount.

Honestly the surgeon who did my gallstone op would piss himself laughing at the "you can exersise off loose skin" brigade on here and the person who said it to me in RL.

It is your fault that she developed disordered eating. It is not your fault she got so overweight that she needed to lose 11 stone and therefore has all the loose skin. It is a very difficult situation, but what is done is done. There is no reason for the both of you to try and blame it all on the other.

I am in the situation where my dad refused to get me free braces and jaw blocks when I was a teenager. I am now having to pay over £20,000 to get surgery to fix the problem. Yes, I am annoyed it wasn't sorted back then. Yes, it is his fault it was not sorted. But ultimately it is my problem, so I will pay. Life sucks.

I would offer to lend her half, and set up a payment plan so she is paying it back, however long that takes.
And tell the other children it is nothing to do with them. If they needed your help, you would give it to them, but they don't, she does. And well done to her. She has improved her future health exponentially through losing that weight.

God, this blame game is really getting on my nerves.
It is NOT the OP's "fault" that her DD developed disordered eating, any more than it is a friend of a friend's fault that her DD has just died, aged 16, from complications of bulimia.

The OP stated she did whatever she could to help her DD but it didn't work. My friend's friend did whatever she could to help her DD as well, including getting her hospitalised - but she still died of heart failure. Would you blame her mum for her having bulimia? would you?

IMO it's time to stop thinking about who, if anyone, is to blame. Instead, look forward.

OP, if I were in your position I would pay. I wouldn't hesitate to help this young woman who has worked incredibly hard to overcome an eating addiction.

But you have yourself and your other children to think of too. Hope you all come to an agreement where everyone is happy.

Stop saying the daughter overeating is the OP's fault!

This is not necessarily so. My bulimia was nothing to do with my parents. If they cut back on cakes and biscuits at home I just went out and bought more myself. Or ate more at friends' houses.

My bulimia was nothing to do with my parents. If they cut back on cakes and biscuits at home I just went out and bought more myself..

At 8 years old?

Gall bladder removed is part of bariatic surgery generally. Is that how she lost the weight so quickly? If not, or even if so, I would be reluctant to lend/give her the cash. Losing that much weight often means she will promptly put it back on, been there and done it myself.