AIBU to not pay for DD's skin removal surgery?

[MrsParkinson]

Hi Mumsnet,

I am looking for unbiased opinions here.

A bit of a backstory. My daughter is 19 and has always been overweight from about 8, she used to sneak a lot of food and I did everything to stop that, things did improve, but at around 11, she just kept putting on weight until she was 18 really and ended up at 20 st, she began slimming world and I am really proud of her for getting to an ideal weight in these last couple of years (almost 20).

She is currently on a gap year so does work. I admit she definitely doesn't waste her money by any means, it's just unfortunate she is in a min wage job - she plans on going to uni next year.

I am definitely not rich or well off, I have to work full time and although on 40k a year, it isn't lots. I have 2 other DC at uni too, so they need some financial help.

She has been recently receiving psychological help and before getting this, admitted she overate, etc. but since having therapy has become a bit "I was only a child and I'm sad you let me get fat" and just stuff along those line, when really that's unfair and a bit passing the blame. She got heaviest when she was a teenager, I couldn't control that.

We recently spoke about her loose skin, something she brought up with me. I do appreciate it's hard for her, she is a young adult and obviously it isn't something she wants. She has spoken to the GP who says due to it not causing any health issues, there is nothing the NHS can do, which is fair enough.

She has asked if she can 'borrow' the money. The thing is, she has no way of paying this back... She is on 10k a year and plans on going to uni next year, so she just won't be able to.

There is some money put away for me that's from my husband, definitely not a lot, but is a financial aide for me. There is enough to cover the cost, but I am then left with no financial security and I do need that. Especially when she just can't pay anything back.

I suppose I'm looking for advice on weather I am being unreasonable for not paying for the surgery?

Thank you for your time if you reply.

I am obese and I ate badly as a teenager despite parental effort. I dont blame them and I think its unfair that you are being blamed OP.

I wonder if this is also a psychological think for OP. This money is a strong reminder of her husband and even some of the things planned for the future are mentally earmarked.

I think you need to make sure all the support your children get is equal. You can, as a family, decide what to do in terms of what support they get as I think support in Uni and half the savings is somewhat unbalanced. If the other two can cope with cutting back to support the other then that is an option.

I'm sure if telling someone they're fat and you're intervening to make them thin worked, there would not be any fat people. When someone posts that they've been told to lose weight the cries of LTB are multiple!

@scottishdiem lovely post and very true probably. Once the money is gone, that's the last thing he gave op gone. Touching very insightful post.

I think any decision should be put on hold, she has to finish her therapy and work through the quite childish idea of blame and also learn to keep her weight stable. I don't think plastic surgery like this is normally recommended straight after weight loss, doesn't it take two years or so for your shape to settle down for best results? It is also so common for people to regain the weight, which would be even worse with scarring etc.

I'd separate the "blame" that she is working through at therapy with the "fixing" she expects you to do. I'm not sure that stepping up, saying it was all your fault and your responsibility, will help her keep the weight off and deal with the emotional reasons she overate.

Put money aside, maybe half, and support and listen for now.

Sorry, haven't read the whole thread so this has probably been suggested. But if you've agreed with your eldest that their support will be stopping soon, could you use the money that will free up to fund at least part of the surgery?

Yabu. You have contributed to your dds weight issue and it isn't unreasonable of her to acknowledge that. If she became overweight in her teens then that would, arguably, be her doing. But at 8? That didn't happen overnight - if you knew she was stealing treats then you shouldn't have them in the house. You could have bought the children treats every now and again - an ice cream from the van etc so they weren't deprived but keeping junk food in the house was clearly not a good idea and I think you need to admit that to yourself and your dd and help her now in any way you can.

Nobody has addressed what OP's daughters expectations of the surgery are. I suspect she believes that if she has it her body will be as it would have been had she never gained the weight. It won't be. This is another reason why OP should not rush to fund this. It's not the quick fix the daughter is hoping for. She needs to REALLY psychologically come to terms with this first.

OP it doesn't sound like you like your DD very much? Or that your other DC like her very much either????

No way should you pay. She is young. I would offer to pay for counselling though. She can still put weight back on. She didn't eat it because it was there in the cupboards.

DD has said to me that she knows she is never going to look 'normal' and that's the price she will have to pay for getting fat (she said this to me this morning, so I'm thinking maybe she doesn't blame me?? Maybe it was just a one off when she came out of therapy that day?)

She has also said she doesn't want implants and only a lift of some sort.

I do want to help her and at this stage I am definitely thinking of helping her out so maybe half or something.

Thank you for the really sweet comments I have read, they are very kind of you.

I am proud of her. She is very different to her siblings (personality wise and no, they don't really get along) but I wouldn't say they hate each other.

My DC were 11, 12 and 13 when their dad died so that wasn't quite tough.

I'm just wondering why so many people think she will put the weight on? Genuinelly just wondering? She has done slimming world for 2 years and followed the plan pretty much perfectly...? She is also very fit. Can't see why she would put it on, so just wondering why so I can think about that before I go ahead with everything.

She knows she can't have it for at least 12 months.

it's because statistics show that 90 percent of people who lose a large amount of weight will have gained it all back in 5 years.

nothing personal to your DD at all xx

Do not pay for it. She is an adult now and she should be in control of her own life.
You are not to blame.

Letting a child eat until they are gaining a stone a year is killing them Exactly, and if she was gaining a stone a year and was 20 stone at 17 when she started dieting she must have been 14 stone when she was 11. That is just awful and yes definitely leading to an early death.

All the advice and forced starvation in the world won't stop you until you're done eating. Nobody has suggested starving her, people are saying children should have a healthy diet.

My DC were 11, 12 and 13 when their dad died so that wasn't quite tough (I'm assuming that 'wasn't' is a typo, and you meant 'was')

So you had your DD's eating under control until she was 11 - when her father died. That must have been difficult for all of you. You had your own grief of losing your husband, your DC's had the pain of losing their father, and you, when all you wanted to do was curl up in a ball and howl, had to stay strong for them. You had other priorities. Just getting through day to day and holding it all together.

If your DD chose eating as her way of coping, that's understandable. Many people do turn to food at times of stress and unhappiness. And if you were too distraught to notice what she was doing, or felt that letting her eat was the right thing to do because it was a form of stress relief for her, that's OK. There is no blame here, everyone just survived as best they could.

Perhaps even now, your DD needs help to process her father's death. Maybe she's lashing out at you because the eleven year old her felt that you should have somehow not let her dad die.

This doesn't help with your dilemma to pay or not to pay, but I would be very wary of seeing surgery as a form of psychiatry with a scalpel.

She's only 19, almost 20.
She's only been 'dieting' for two years.
I don't think right now is a good time to be discussing major surgery.

Has she actually been exercising as well as calorie counting?
Losing weight too quickly without exercising can cause loose/flappy extra skin.
She is still young enough to try other methods first and to see if her body will naturally take care of the loose skin.

Has she got to the root of what made her overeat?
Is it just poor impulse control or something hormonal?

Personally, given her age and the stats on people gaining weight after stopping their diets etc, i'd say she waits until she gets to her target weight.
Once she hits her target weight she has to work on maintaining it for at least 12 months.
If she can maintain it then she can take out a loan to pay for any cosmetic surgery.

Blaming you for her getting fat is just her refusing to take personal responsibility for the 'guilt/shame' she feels.

I've got friends who keep going back to WW/slimming world.
Each time they reach their target weight, they stop the calorie counting/diet/exercise/self discipline.
They go back to 'normal'.......and the weight piles on again.
It's a kind of vicious circle, they're not stupid by any means so i don't understand why they keep doing this.

@HeebieJeebies456, she has never calorie counted. How much have your friends lost? She hasn't stopped going and won't because you get awards for being at target for a year, etc. her going is a social thing for her too. Maybe she will put it all back on but seems odd because she really doesn't enjoy that food much anymore, she is very much into her salads, etc. she has been at target for a month and still attends the group, but I agree about needing to be there longer.

Yes, she has taken up martial arts. Which she does 3 times a week and regularly does running.

Good post TheDevil.

OP with regards to the regaining aspect I think it would be helpful for you / your DD to think about how and why she put on the weight, which isn't really something you've touched on here. Quite often people can lose weight by temporarily (even for several years) following a certain eating plan, but without addressing any underlying food issues which caused the gain in the first place. That means that "life getting in the way" can interrupt their focus on their diet and lifestyle, or a sudden increase in stress levels can catapult them back into the eating habits which they had before the "diet", especially if food has become an emotional coping mechanism, which is very common.

I think sometimes it's pretty obvious when someone really isn't going to relapse. I have a friend who has lost several stone (not nearly as much as your DD has) and I'd place money on her not regaining - the weight only really came on from unhealthy habits, too much eating and socialising and a serious aversion to exercise; she now hardly drinks, only feasts on special occasions and has become a Class Pass addict. It's been a real sea change. By contrast another friend is a real food addict, her parents and brother are hugely overweight and always have been, and now she's married to a guy with similar issues. They both lost a fair bit on the Cambridge Diet at one point, but they gave up on it and are both now significantly bigger than when they started, because all they did was starve for a bit and then "crack" and go back to their old ways. (I suspect having "failed" at the Cambridge plan has really affected their self-esteem in terms of trying again, too.) It's so, so common.

P.S. granny I think that condition is called Prader-Wills.

Sorry - I meant to say, you're probably a fair judge of whether she'll regain, if you think you have a handle on why she gained in the first place and whether that problem has been addressed.

@QuimReaper, she didn't do a starvation diet, it's slimming world, you can eat masses (she has fucking tonnes of veg and 'free foods') but it worked! My previous post explains what she is like.

Her therapy is where she discusses the reasons, that's not something I think I can help her with.

The OP has repeatedly said her daughter is exercising regularly. Are people not reading the thread?

I know OP, I was just offering an anecdote from my experience of how people can lose weight in the short term by following a plan (whether it's Cambridge, Slimming World, Weight Watchers, etc.) but without making long-term changes that address the underlying issue, which I believe is why statistically so many people ultimately regain. It sounds to me like your DD has made a more lasting lifestyle change, but obviously we don't know her - as I said, your instinct on that point is probably good.

I understand that you don't get involved in the whys and wherefores of the original gain. It'll be a significant factor (I suspect the significant factor) in whether she manages to maintain the loss, so I suppose you have to trust her on it if she prefers not to discuss it with you.

"When someone posts that they've been told to lose weight the cries of LTB are multiple"

What a fucking disingenuous comment. There have been threads on these boards where the bullying a woman over her weight has been part of a catalogue of domestic abuse.

There have been size 8 women posting how they have been bullied by their partners about their weight.

Mrs Parkinson you have discovered the hatred there is for overweight people on here which continues on after the weight is lost.

ilovesooty i think some are seeing what they want to see.