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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not pay for DD's skin removal surgery?

405 replies

MrsParkinson · 29/08/2017 00:50

Hi Mumsnet,

I am looking for unbiased opinions here.

A bit of a backstory. My daughter is 19 and has always been overweight from about 8, she used to sneak a lot of food and I did everything to stop that, things did improve, but at around 11, she just kept putting on weight until she was 18 really and ended up at 20 st, she began slimming world and I am really proud of her for getting to an ideal weight in these last couple of years (almost 20).

She is currently on a gap year so does work. I admit she definitely doesn't waste her money by any means, it's just unfortunate she is in a min wage job - she plans on going to uni next year.

I am definitely not rich or well off, I have to work full time and although on 40k a year, it isn't lots. I have 2 other DC at uni too, so they need some financial help.

She has been recently receiving psychological help and before getting this, admitted she overate, etc. but since having therapy has become a bit "I was only a child and I'm sad you let me get fat" and just stuff along those line, when really that's unfair and a bit passing the blame. She got heaviest when she was a teenager, I couldn't control that.

We recently spoke about her loose skin, something she brought up with me. I do appreciate it's hard for her, she is a young adult and obviously it isn't something she wants. She has spoken to the GP who says due to it not causing any health issues, there is nothing the NHS can do, which is fair enough.

She has asked if she can 'borrow' the money. The thing is, she has no way of paying this back... She is on 10k a year and plans on going to uni next year, so she just won't be able to.

There is some money put away for me that's from my husband, definitely not a lot, but is a financial aide for me. There is enough to cover the cost, but I am then left with no financial security and I do need that. Especially when she just can't pay anything back.

I suppose I'm looking for advice on weather I am being unreasonable for not paying for the surgery?

Thank you for your time if you reply.

OP posts:
Maryhadalittlelamb12 · 29/08/2017 14:33

I'd die for my daughter. Hence shelling out for an op is a no brainer. Call it your payment for allowing a child to get fat.

HelenaDove · 29/08/2017 14:34

mael in my case the quick weight loss caused the gallstones.........i was told this by two doctors and my surgeon. I remember my anaesthetist asking me for weight loss advice as he was putting me under.

QuimReaper · 29/08/2017 14:43

I'm surprised more people aren't picking up on the possibility of exploring going abroad for surgery - it was my first thought and only one poster's mentioned it. If it could be done for £8K rather than 20 (as PP suggested) it'd be a much easier proposition: OP's daughter would be far more easily able to save or repay £4K and £4K would be a much less damaging slice of OP's nest egg if they went halves. You'd want to look into it sooner rather than later if you want to be in the EU though, obviously.

OP, am I correctly reading that your daughter was 20 stone and now weighs just 9?! If so I expect the loose skin is extremely noticeable, she's lost over half of her body weight and is really very slim now under the skin. Probably more like 8.5st at the most without the weight of the skin. Not sure it's relevant, just an observation.

Sanoffyhighstepson · 29/08/2017 14:45

Sorry about your husband op. It must have been hard on all of you Flowers also I'm sorry you're getting quite a kicking on here! It isn't your fault your dd over are! We see overweight posters on here blaming their parents for not restricting their food, and others blaming their parents for restricting their food, making it more desirable. You can't do right for doing wrong. Truth is, if someone wants to gorge themselves, they'll find an excuse. Because an excuse is better than admitting gluttony. Alcoholics will find an excuse to drink if they want to drink. Smokers will find an excuse not to quit " just now " because they don't want to. Willpower is the key to beating ANY destructive behaviour and if you don't have it yet, then own that fact, until you're strong enough to fight your demons. The surgery is a quick fix. It won't make her problems disappear. It may make them worse if she has a fantasy of how she will be afterwards and it doesn't turn out that way.

Tantpoke · 29/08/2017 14:46

I haven't read all the posts on this thread but I personally would say to her

"if you can keep the weight off for at least a year then of course I will look into paying towards the excess skin removal and meanwhile you can find a Saturday job to also help toward the cost"

The latter being more of an incentive for her to keep the weight off and to keep her mind off snacking.

OP re overeating my DD has a girl in her primary school who is always given very healthy packed lunch so all the girls friends give her their crisps and chocolates etc because they feel sorry for her. Basically it is not always the parents fault

Karmapolicearrestthisman · 29/08/2017 14:48

Alcoholics will find an excuse to drink if they want to drink. Smokers will find an excuse not to quit " just now " because they don't want to.

You have to be 18 to do those things. Parents are expected to restrict access so that an 8 year old cannot smoke and drink. This is no different.

ivenoideawhatimdoing · 29/08/2017 14:48

maryhadalittlelamb I'm in entirely the same boat as you. You'd die for your kids, I'd do anything to see him happy, give anything. I couldn't sleep at night knowing I had money to at least contribute towards something that meant so much to my child.

Sanoffyhighstepson · 29/08/2017 14:50

But other threads on here have had overweight posters saying it was restricted access to food and being controlled what they eat that made them fat. So what do you do? If BOTH these things cause weight gain then you can't do anything anyway!

RallyRoundTheFlagBoys · 29/08/2017 14:51

Thank you for that factual and eminently sensible post Sanoffyhighstepson.

QuimReaper · 29/08/2017 14:53

Also, this seems like a classic MN / AIBU thing of posters seizing on one detail of a post like a dog with a bone and never letting it go - in this case, the part about her being 8. If I'm reading correctly OP says her daughter started gaining at about aged 8, but that she got it more or less under control until she was about 11, at which point, as lots of others have pointed out, it becomes very hard to control a child's desire to binge without unreasonably restricting their freedom. I'm sure OP did limit her child's access to snacks etc. during the time that she could exercise that control.

Sanoffyhighstepson · 29/08/2017 14:54

I didn't explain that well. There are many old threads about obesity. Every person who blames their childhood blames their eating on feeling deprived when parents intervene, or getting away with eating because their parents didn't intervene. So what do you do? Who's to know what would have happened if the op had come down hard on her dd? Dd could well have felt singled out and deprived and ended up 25-30 stone! This isn't the ops fault. There's no correct way to deal with it as both backfire!

Abra1d · 29/08/2017 14:54

I was older than that but where I grew up children did go to shops by themselves at that age, yes. We lived five minutes from a sweet shop and I was going there at that eight, not often but when I wanted.

At the school where I worked I have seen children pestering other children for high-value food at the age of six or seven. This was when there wasn't a healthy snack policy in force.

HelenaDove · 29/08/2017 14:57

Plenty of kids at our high school got hold of cigarettes in the late 1980s.

The toilets in the Science and Maths block were like the Industrial Revolution.

Anon8604 · 29/08/2017 15:10

Apologies I haven't had time to read the whole thread, but can people please stop suggesting that if the OP's DD has an eating disorder (I don't know if she does but some posters here have suggested she does) then the OP is responsible. EDs are extremely complex and parents' attitude to weight and food is one part of a much bigger picture. To suggest the OP is responsible is really unfair and untrue.

Original poster
MrsParkinson · 29/08/2017 15:11

No, she had gallstones before she lost the weight, she actually got them diagnosed at 15.

She lots the weight through slimming world and taking up martial arts. She is very fit.

I know this may not help me by saying this, but I don't think she will put the weight back on. She has been following slimming world for 2 years which isn't a diet and she will keep eating like it forever, so in all fairness has done it for 2 years. She is also training 3 times a week for her martial art.

I'm sorry but I really don't think I could have controlled what she ate as a teen, yes it started at 8, but I did make changes and from 11, she was putting a stone on for each year she aged really, hence she ended up 20 stone.

OP posts:
Atenco · 29/08/2017 15:11

There are many old threads about obesity. Every person who blames their childhood blames their eating on feeling deprived when parents intervene, or getting away with eating because their parents didn't intervene

Well said. And if the OP is at fault for the obesity, maybe we could also give her credit for raising a girl who has had enough cop on and determination to lose the weight.

I'm still concerned about the surgery though. If there is absolutely no chance of the skin shrinking back naturally and there are no serious side effects, I say go for it sooner rather than later.

HelenaDove · 29/08/2017 15:14

Its bloody hard to control what kids do when at school or out of the home. My parents didnt know i was trying cigarettes in the school toilets.

PaganGoddessBrigid · 29/08/2017 15:16

I haven't read the other replies so I'm not influenced but I think you should acknowledge that your parenting had at the very least some impact on whatever lead her to over eat. My own parents completely invalidated my every thought, disallowed me to show any negative emotion whatsoever, guided me far too forcefully and while I forgive them for the past it makes me see red still if they do it now. The other day my Dad tried to ''correct'' my perception of my old boss in my old job Confused so ........... this was a tangent. I think you should look really long and hard at what your daughter's childhood was like from her perspective and reconsider whether or not you want to contribute to her surgery. Good luck to you both. Parenting is not easy, I know that.

Neverknowing · 29/08/2017 15:21

I've already posted op and still think that you should pay for the surgery for her self esteem, it will be very hard for her at uni and I think she will need it.
BUT I think people are being very harsh on you by saying it's your fault she was obese. Parenting is hard and there's no right way to do it, when I was 16/17 (and a size 10/12) both my parents regularly called me fat and made me feel shit about myself to try and make me lose weight. It didn't help, I just became anorexic. I imagine you did try and help your DD but it backfired as it did with my parents.

MajesticWhine · 29/08/2017 15:22

If this was me I would feel somewhat responsible and would want to help, but would not feel totally responsible as it's just not that clear cut.
20k out of 40k savings is an awful lot. It would make sense to offer some help and make a plan with DD to borrow or save up for the rest. As for the other DC, it's not really their problem. If everything must be equal then it can be adjusted for in your will as someone else suggested.

GahBuggerit · 29/08/2017 15:29

I agree OP, shes not been 8 all her life and at some point she would have looked at herself and not been happy with what she saw but carried on anyway, at an age where you really couldnt do anything to prevent her.

Both are responsible, you from when she was younger and then her from I'd say around 12+?? But even though you do share some of the 'blame' I really dont think it warrants you having to pay for it.

I didnt think of looking abroad, maybe tell her to start researching that and then when she comes up with the best, most reasonably priced solution then you will both discuss how you can help her make it happen, which may or may not involve giving her something towards, in the meantime she can get another job to help save up.

Aside from everything else I think some people have forgotten that you have lost your husband and therefore have no other financial support. that £40k wouldnt go a long way should anything happen to you so I think youre wise not to knee-jerk into giving her a guilt payment.

BarbarianMum · 29/08/2017 15:29

I don't think you should give up your nest egg to pay for this OP. I do think though, that you could offer some financial help for some of it.

PopeMortificado · 29/08/2017 15:32

She has spoken to the GP who says due to it not causing any health issues, there is nothing the NHS can do, which is fair enough.

Sorry I havent RTFT but isn't it standard practice for people in this position to go to the GP pleading depression and psychiatric damage from body image problems and get it funded on the NHS.

I'm being slightly flippant but if you can get a boob job on this basis, I can't see why you can't get skin removal. Skin removal is far more likely to be psychiatrically damaging than being a bit upset that you have a B cup when you want a FF.

PeanuttyButter · 29/08/2017 15:33

As a child with siblings both the 'normal' weight having had the same upbringing i don't think you should pay.
I was greedy at 8 and i continued to be greedy, my parents didn't feed me i stole from the cupboard or fridge, i would eat things i didn't even want just because it was there.
Neither of my siblings had that problem... i was greedy!
So those saying its the parents fault it is not... my parents encouraged me to exercise took me to loads of sports type activities, walks on the weekend etc but at the end of the day i was also lazy.
I would sit and watch my friends running round, skip games at school, be too lazy to go pick something up = i put on weight.

If she pays for it then she will value it more and will be less likely to put the weight back on.
Also we have always been under the impression treat one treat them all...
If you give your daughter £X YANBU to make sure the others have £X each also.

Emmageddon · 29/08/2017 15:36

Your DD has done amazingly well, to reduce her weight by half in 2 years!

If she was mine, I'd be looking at the possibility of getting the surgery done overseas, as a previous poster suggested.

I would do my best to fund it, either in the UK or elsewhere. I couldn't let her carry on being unhappy with her body when it can be so easily corrected.