AIBU to not pay for DD's skin removal surgery?

[MrsParkinson]

Hi Mumsnet,

I am looking for unbiased opinions here.

A bit of a backstory. My daughter is 19 and has always been overweight from about 8, she used to sneak a lot of food and I did everything to stop that, things did improve, but at around 11, she just kept putting on weight until she was 18 really and ended up at 20 st, she began slimming world and I am really proud of her for getting to an ideal weight in these last couple of years (almost 20).

She is currently on a gap year so does work. I admit she definitely doesn't waste her money by any means, it's just unfortunate she is in a min wage job - she plans on going to uni next year.

I am definitely not rich or well off, I have to work full time and although on 40k a year, it isn't lots. I have 2 other DC at uni too, so they need some financial help.

She has been recently receiving psychological help and before getting this, admitted she overate, etc. but since having therapy has become a bit "I was only a child and I'm sad you let me get fat" and just stuff along those line, when really that's unfair and a bit passing the blame. She got heaviest when she was a teenager, I couldn't control that.

We recently spoke about her loose skin, something she brought up with me. I do appreciate it's hard for her, she is a young adult and obviously it isn't something she wants. She has spoken to the GP who says due to it not causing any health issues, there is nothing the NHS can do, which is fair enough.

She has asked if she can 'borrow' the money. The thing is, she has no way of paying this back... She is on 10k a year and plans on going to uni next year, so she just won't be able to.

There is some money put away for me that's from my husband, definitely not a lot, but is a financial aide for me. There is enough to cover the cost, but I am then left with no financial security and I do need that. Especially when she just can't pay anything back.

I suppose I'm looking for advice on weather I am being unreasonable for not paying for the surgery?

Thank you for your time if you reply.

I think it's extremely common for young adults to blame their parents for things that have gone wrong in their lives. Later, with more experience and insight ( and parenting our own DC) it's easier to see that it's a complex world and the vast majority of parents were simply doing their best.

So I don't think you need to feel too bad about her obesity. You tried to help and as a teen she thwarted that and binged. Well done to her for beating that but it sounds as if she hasn't yet accepted that you didn't cause her problems. Perhaps you were part of it, who knows? We are none of us perfect.

I know someone who had a lot of surgery after weight loss and believe me, it's tough. The abdominoplasty was a huge operation which necessitated a stay in ICU. It isn't just a 'tummy tuck' as in post childbirth. The arms and legs are another two surgeries. All painful and with long recovery times. And the thing is this,she still has a very abnormal body shape.

I suspect your dd is nowhere near this and might well have an easier time but she will be scarred and she will not have the 'perfect' body. She's very young and skin may still be able to recover over time. She needs to give it more time. Perhaps you could offer to give a contribution in a few years if she is still determined then? Ideally after she has completed her family if she is likely to have DC as that will cause yet more change in body shape.

So maybe but not yet would be my advice and she can certainly save and contribute. Nobody should ever rush into major surgery.

Eurghghgh all these parents who just check out when there kids get to 11 and whine and say but I have/had no control over them at that age? Wth not?

Whos saying that Booboo?

How are you feeling after reading all of these responses MrsParkinson?
I wish MN had a poll facility - would be easier to keep up with!

Sorry I don't buy the notion that some children are just 'greedy' and will do what ever they can to steal food. Nine times out of 10 there is an underlying reason or reasons that cause such behaviour. People don't just binge for the sake of it.

Your posts about your DD sound a bit cold op. It's clear you don't feel your other kids have a lot of love for her either. Maybe there's a reason she over ate and the others didn't

I think op your at fault . If she was over weight at 8 then actually it IS your fault! And negligent that you didn't do anything to help it!
I wonder,as mentioned in the thread, your other children's thoughts and feelings are more important than you dd mentioned in the op. It sounds to me like your dd is the black sheep, the one skirted to the side.... maybe why she over ate as a child.

But what do we all know? Your daughter at 8 went out bought the food her self and was completely emotionally capable of monitoring herself obviously.
Also the money things weird , why because your dd goes to uni later does she not get financial support your other children surely well get more financial help than your dd? Living away costs more than your dd paying money towards your house?
Bizzarre.....
I feel sorry for your dd. I think you should contribute to her surgery and look at your actions
A) for letting your dd over eat.
B) for turning your children against each other

I'd genuinely like to know how many of the posters blaming op are overweight. It's either slim people who don't understand how determined to eat a human can be, or overweight posters who will never admit that their weight is their responsibility. Much more palatable to blame outside forces beyond your control than admit you just Eat. Too. Much. Sorry about the hard time you're getting op. You were damned if you did and damned if you didn't

I'm feeling a bit protective of the widowed OP who has raised 3 kids and comforted them while mourning her husband

San, I am overweight as an adult, but I certainly wasn't as a child.
I'm not saying it isn't easily done, to let your child get a bit heavy - modern society constantly bombards us with sugary crap and sometimes when you see your own child everyday, you might not notice the gradual creep up in weight initially.
But there does come a point where you do see it, and it is your job as a parent to put it right.
I think this surgery is really important. I can't think of a better use for some of that 40K than this.

Sanoffyhighstepson I used to live nextdoor to someone whose daughter had a medical condition that meant she would eat anything and had no control. I can't remember what it was called but it was a real condition. Her weight was normal because her parents made sure she couldn't access unhealthy amounts of food and she didn't have money to buy food. She got to 14 or so at a normal weight and as she then understood more she gradually got more freedom as she could manage it. So yes I think some of us do have some understanding of the problems and that they can be managed if the adults are motivated to do so.

I'm not saying it isn't easily done, to let your child get a bit heavy - modern society constantly bombards us with sugary crap and sometimes when you see your own child everyday, you might not notice the gradual creep up in weight initially.
But there does come a point where you do see it, and it is your job as a parent to put it right.

I get the impression this is exactly what did happen, but OP couldn't hold onto the control as her DD aged and had more autonomy.

OP re overeating my DD has a girl in her primary school who is always given very healthy packed lunch so all the girls friends give her their crisps and chocolates etc because they feel sorry for her. Basically it is not always the parents fault No one is going to get to 20 stone because their friends shared their crisps with them.

In addition to it not being financially very viable for you (that's your nest egg), surgery is very serious.

I'd be worried that by paying for it you're making it too easy. She's worked her arse off to lose the weight so clearly is very motivated now and capable. But if she has any self esteem issues etc surgery may not be the fix she thinks it will be. If she had to save for it herself she would have a longer time to consider it and at least if she went ahead, she would have had to work really hard for it.

I think she would need more than just the cost of the surgery to be safe. What if something goes wrong and she needs further follow ups? And time off work?

Clamping down doesn't always work and trusting them doesn't always work! It's literally a shot in the dark when we try ANYTHING to help our kids. If it works you got lucky. If it doesn't, well, you are flamed on here. We don't know our childrens innermost thoughts. We don't know what they hide. The decision we make is based on our judgment at that point. The op is not to blame. As I said, if she'd taken a tough approach and rigorous control of dds diet it may well be worse! Dd may not have felt it was time to lose weight! She could have spent all her life rebelling and eating whatever she wants! We don't know! Op can't be held accountable for doing her best.

I think it was pretty obvious before she got to 20stone that whatever the OP was doing wasn't working. If you don't buy them junk food and they don't have vast amounts of pocketmoney a 8 year old or 11 year won't be able to eat enough food to get to that sort of weight.

I hope I never get to the point in life where I dislike my own child so much that I would say things like " She got herself in to this state" "more effort required on her part" "she will probably put the weight back on anyway"

Do your other kids think its her own fault and she shouldnt get the help?

Your kids dont like her much either do they ?

Okay, even if the OP was absolved of all responsibility for her daughter's weight, she is sitting on 40k that will change her daughter's life. It will save her years of battling to save, whole holding the weight off, it will increase her self esteem and put her on an equal footing with all the other youngsters starting out in life.
I don't know how a mum could refuse to do that tbh. It won't leave her destitute - she'll still have 20k and 40k job!

It's all very well to say she loves her dd, but not as much as her money.

So the op should have stopped her dds pocket money because she was fat?!? That would definitely not have made the situation better.

Letting a teenager get to 20 stone is obviously a great thing to do. The child had a weight problem from 8 years old, her mother can't say none of this is to do with her.

Sanoffyhighstepson what would you do if your child was diabetic and spent their money on sweets, would you just let it go? Say your child has a dangerous allergy to peanuts but really likes chocolate with peanuts, you would just watch them potentially kill themselves? That is what the OP has done just that the cause of death would be heart failure rather than anaphalactic shock and would be a longer process.

A medical condition is very different! You can explain to a child " eating this will send you to heaven, kill you " that's a lot different than saying, " I'm stopping your pocket money because you're a big fat girl who won't stop eating!" One is sound and scary advice, the other is a fucking heartbreaking thing to be told as a teenager!

Letting a child eat until they are gaining a stone a year is killing them

If I were you and in a position to help i would.

Broken record here but FORCED DIETING IS WHAT MOST OF THE OBESE PEOPLE ON HERE BLAME FOR THEIR WEIGHT. It's on several of the old obese threads. They rebelled against their perceived insults about their inability to not eat. It doesn't work. Other posters here have already said, if they wanted to eat, they damn well found a way. A lot of projection on this thread. If you're overweight you're eating too much. All the advice and forced starvation in the world won't stop you until you're done eating. As the dd obviously is.