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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to be angry at DSs 'friend' for abandoning him

217 replies

MrsMuddlePluck · 28/08/2017 23:54

Boys at Reading Festival. My DS had his debit card nicked so no money to get train home. His friend got a lift from his Mum in a 7 seater car home to a street half a mile from our house. Told my son it wasn't his problem that he couldnt get home. Took 4 hours for my DH to find DS to fetch him home. In the meantime he had a panic attack - hungry, dehydrated, lonely & upset.

AIBU to want to slap this selfish little sh#t for leaving him behind?

OP posts:
livefornaps · 29/08/2017 10:07

How on earth do you become separated from a 9 year old on a bike, @isetan??? That's terrible!!! To the point where she had to go to a supermarket?! I wouldn't be rolling out that story as something to be proud of...Confused

ssd · 29/08/2017 10:09

seriously, fuck off with all the this is an adult man bullshit

they dont grow up to be men on their 18th birthdays

anyone writing that shite obviously has no clue or has forgotten what its like

CleverDick · 29/08/2017 10:10

On Mumsnet giving a lift is the biggest favour it is possible to give

^^This! Unless, of course, the Mumsnetter's mate hasn't learned to drive yet, in which case they get a tattoo saying: Im not a taxi driver, you know!

TinklyLittleLaugh · 29/08/2017 10:14

I think if you aren't mature enough to get yourself to a festival and back, then you really aren't mature enough to be there.

My eldest three have been festivalling for years and years, since they were 16 or 17. I have never picked anyone up or dropped them off. DD2, just turned 18, and her mates, have just come back from three weeks back packing around Europe. In September she is going abroad to university. The levelling of babying and helicoptering some parents indulge in astounds me.

Ceto · 29/08/2017 10:14

The mother should definitely have asked her son where his friend was, whatever age they were.

At a festival I'd be making sure I was sweeping up anyone in trouble.

All of that assumes the friend would have told the mother that OP's son was in trouble/needed a lift home. There's every chance that he told her OP's son was fine and on his way home.

ZoeWashburne · 29/08/2017 10:15

Of course it's fine to ask your parents for help as an adult.

What is not OK is the mum of an adult calling the other mum of an adult like this was an organised playdate that went wrong. Her son had a bad situation, but it was solved in four hours. Yes, it was annoying and frustrating, and the mum can commiserate with her son how annoying it was. But she cannot blame another person for an adult being 'dehydrated and hungry' in four hours. An 18 year old should be able to cope better, and if they don't, they should work on that.

This should be a learning experience for the son, and of course the OP should offer support to her son for the stress it caused. However the real question should be: 'How can I help my adult son cope better in stressful situations and think of plan B,C,D' rather than 'I need to call the mum of another adult because her adult son was mean to my adult son'.

Whathaveilost · 29/08/2017 10:18

Ring the mother
To hell with that!
I didn't get involved with parents with playground disputes when they were 7 So I would certainly not be getting an other mother involved with a fall out , miscommunication or whatever between adult men!

Sure I would be talking to my DS if this happened to one but I'd be helping him to find a way of figuring it for him sel.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 29/08/2017 10:20

No they don't grow up and automatically become men at 18. But if you have ant sense you put the effort into training them and gradually loosening the apron strings so that they can handle themselves at 18.

And before the first festival you chat to them about sticking £20 in their phone case, having phone numbers on a bit of paper in their jeans pocket, arranging a rendezvous point if they lose their friends and knowing to use the welfare tent if all else fails.

theEagleIsLost · 29/08/2017 10:20

If he had his phone he could have used digital banking to get a new train fare.

Neither DH or I have banking on our mobiles. If either of us lost our tickets and all means of payment - we'd be ringing each other to try and work something out. I don't think that odd at all.

I had an eye opening moment this summer - DD, pre-teen, organised to go to an event pick up arranged. Was friends with some other attendees.

I stopped driver leaving early without everyone - not reciprocated and we had to run and flag down transport next day – we weren’t even late we were 10 minutes early to pick up point and they all knew from day before if not from orgnaisers e-mail how many were expected.

Hung around till other children happy they'd arranged pickups - had day dropped early and DD couldn't get hold of me - others just left no-one even asked if she was alright.

Had to stand for 40 minutes in heavily down pour while rest waited two a piece in their cars - in end rang to find out why not picked up - been forgotten - no thanks or acknowledgement from others even when explained new pick up time.

It wasn't a big deal and I wasn't angry - but it was eye opening.

StaplesCorner · 29/08/2017 10:23

So the way I am reading it, the lad lost his card etc., the other boy said so what not my problem my mum is coming. That's it really, the other boy was selfish. I imagine the mother didn't realise, if she did well then the apple didn't fall far from the tree.

I'm 55 if someone was getting a lift home and I was stuck as I had my stuff stolen, I'd think it would be the least they could do to say oh jump in the car with us. I don't see the ages have much to do with it, but I can imagine most 18 year olds thinking shit what do I do now. Don't see why everyone is saying it would have been sooooooo easy for the lad to get home.

Notevilstepmother · 29/08/2017 10:28

I also think there is more to this story. Was the friend angry that your son lost his ticket too? Something doesn't quite ring true to me.

There are helpful police officers all over the place at festivals, as well as a mobile police station, they would have helped him get organised to get home and looked after him if he really was having a panic attack. British transport police or the station staff could also have helped him.

I think I'd be annoyed at him for being irresponsible because it seems highly likely he wasn't looking after his stuff properly due to being drunk or whatever.

Namechangetempissue · 29/08/2017 10:28

Yes, of course you can still ask your parents for help as an adult. I ask occasionally and I'm in my thirties! However, if you are old enough to go to a festival for a weekend and presumably get smashed without your parents, you should be able to sort your shit out afterwards to a degree. I would be concerned that at 18 he couldn't go to the welfare tent (which is hugely advertised and visible) and ask for help and wandered around dehydrated and worried instead and that he couldn't find a way to meet up with his dad in a suitable place instead waiting for four hours. My 12 year old could do that -it isn't a judgement I would just be concerned that he wasn't prepared for adult situations like this. Perhaps have a chat about this and get him geared up for the future -who to speak to, where to go, how to deal with being lost etc. Then next time he goes he (and you!) can relax!

Jackiebrambles · 29/08/2017 10:38

I agree with Zoe, if he's old enough to be out at a big festival and drinking, he should be able to cope with this annoying situation.

I imagine there's a lot more to this than meets the eye. I suspect DS and his pal had a big falling out and his friend didn't want to travel home with DS and so called his mum instead. Of course he wasn't going to tell his mum to pick up DS.

drspouse · 29/08/2017 10:48

You do wonder, don't you - at this age I had done Bronze and Silver DofE (no mobiles, though we did stay in a YHA for Bronze so I'm assuming we could phone home from there!), gone to a festival (albeit a family friendly one) with friends of whom maybe 2 were adults, though I think I got a lift, and I went to university on my own 5 hours away on the train. Coming back from university in my first year the first train was delayed meaning I had to spend all night instead of 5 hours getting home. I did ring my mum on realising I was stranded and on arriving at the nearest station at 6am but beyond that I just read a thick book and ignored a couple of squaddies on Crewe station.

A year later I had also gone to the same festival again in my mum's car, taking my younger and dafter brother, and made the sensible decision to abandon the tent and come home early due to a hurricane. I'd also gone to London (couple of hours) on the train on my own and then later got the overnight bus ditto (it's amazing what you'll do for love). Again no mobiles, nobody could check where I was.

Oh and I'd bought a flat (though TBF I hadn't done much of the paperwork for that as my dad helped me).

LadyLapsang · 29/08/2017 10:48

There is clearly more to this story, a friend does not abandon someone like this for no reason. However, if you are going to a festival, you need to be prepared. If you won't wear a money belt, mine wouldn't, then at least have a few folded up £20s in your shoe (tip to DS from my late father after DS was mugged). At 18, DS was at uni nearly 900km away and then later in the course, abroad. The first time he was really poorly my gut instinct was to jump on a plane. I had to learn too, his friends cared for him as he did them.

withlotsoflove · 29/08/2017 10:50

I would imagine more to it too.
The panicking indicates he still needs help for the unknown...
Does he do much alone yet?
My 18 yr old just drove himself round Europe- delt with the German police and getting stuck in Italian snow!
Only found this out when he came home!
See if your son will chat more later... when he feels more relaxed? Smile

musicworry2 · 29/08/2017 10:51

This reply has been deleted

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TinklyLittleLaugh · 29/08/2017 10:58

That is a massive leap music.

Ontheboardwalk · 29/08/2017 10:59

What happened to his friend's return train ticket? Couldn't he have given it to your son?

Does sound like a fall out between the boys, hopefully your son will feel better after a kip.

I'd have spoken to the staff at the train station and explaned what had happened re the stolen card and ticket. I've been around these events, all they want is people out of the station and on their way home. They probably would have just put him on the next train out of there.

BoneyBackJefferson · 29/08/2017 11:00

I'm with those wondering if they have had an argument, and it has escalated.

Queenofthestress · 29/08/2017 11:03

If he is unable to get himself there and back, even in the case of loosing his card & money, then he shouldnt have gone jesus

jamjar23 · 29/08/2017 11:07

Does seem like a fight be it because of drugs or otherwise.

PerfumeIsAMessage · 29/08/2017 11:09

There is some massive assuming (on both sides) going on here.
Boy 2 could have fallen out with OP's son for no reason, laughed when he lost his card/ticket and said "I'm going home with mummy and you're not coming"
Boy 2 could have been repulsed at how off his face OPs son was, to the point he lost his card/ticket and rang his mum.
Ops son could be so mortified at having lost his stuff he told Boy 2 to leave him to it.

Fact is, we don't know, the OP doesn't know, but the fact that there are 2 seemingly unrelated oddities about the situation (stolen property AND a friend leaving you without a lift when both were supposed to be on the train together) suggests that there's still a lot the son hasn't told his mum.

Bekabeech · 29/08/2017 11:18

From my point of view:

  1. "Friend" is unreliable - had already made alternative arrangements to get home, didn't help out in a crisis - maybe find new friends who will do the basics of "being a mate" in future.
  2. teach him about emergency cash, carrying stuff more safely (I bought my DD a wallet to attach pretty un pickpocketable for festivals etc).
  3. A boy died at Reading this weekend - as a parent I'd have been extra vigilent and probably checked all friends could get home safely.
  4. OP does need to teach her son more "survival skills".

Pleased your DS is home and safe.

MN is filling up with judgey people - which is very sad.

Rodhullstvaerial · 29/08/2017 11:24

Or when he (presumably) reported it to the police say he had no way of getting home.

Why the fuck is it the responsibility of the police to deal with it?