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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - to feel unsupported in my feminist beliefs in the playground

459 replies

Goldiloz · 28/08/2017 21:46

I feel like this is the straw that broke the camels back.
I don't understand why mothers aren't supporting women's rights at primary school. Surely most sane people think that girls should be given the same opportunities as boys. We shouldn't pigeon hole 50% of the population just because they will grow up to have boobs and maybe pop out a kid or two. I feel like I am fighting a losing battle listening to some of the other mums in the playground.
It ranges from presents at birthday parties. The 'norm' seems to be buying girls creative/pink stuff unless they are a 'Tom boy' when they can get 'boy' stuff instead. And boys are only given sports and superhero stuff.
And party bags! Separate ones for boys and girls????
I just don't understand why women fail to see the issue with this and continue to justify it with generalised comments about 'most boys' and 'most girls'.
AIBU to expect more from modern women?

OP posts:
WhooooAmI24601 · 28/08/2017 21:52

YAB a little U. I always ask before parties what the child is into and buy something they like. If it ends up being a Moana dress-up outfit for a girl and a Big Hero 6 toy for a boy, that's alright. Not everything has to be a feminist statement.

Most of the 'playground' Mums I know are cracking women who are raising great children. No "boys can't do x, y and z" here. Maybe look for some nicer Mums to befriend.

muchomo · 28/08/2017 21:52

Sigh, OP to be honest you sound like hard work. The school pick up and drop is a mission in itself. Most parents just want to do things and get on with their day. I'm so glad my child is no longer in Primary school, as parties, play overs were a minefield. Including the issue of presents, food etc and the million other stuff. Does it really matter what your the presents are at a birthday Party? Obviously you as the child's parents can but non gender toys etc for your child if it's that important to you. However unreasonable to expect others to do the same.

Longtalljosie · 28/08/2017 21:54

I agree with your views myself, but you really can't start telling other people how they should be raising their children...

FemMom · 28/08/2017 21:54

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Sayyouwill · 28/08/2017 21:55

Some girls are into pink things though...
When a little girl likes pink, girly, frilly things, people say "oh she's been brainwashed, you've forced your views on her, blah blah blah" however when a little boy likes pink, girly things they are either an abomination or "expressive themselves".
Sometimes girls like pink and boys like blue!
As PP says, not everything has to be a statement or comment on modern society.

Fruitcorner123 · 28/08/2017 21:58

I think YABabit U. Having different party bags doesn't mean that you don'thave the same opportunities.

I have a tom boy and she had a lot of boys at her party but they still mainly bought her dolls, princess stuff and crafty stuff very possibly because they were parents of boys and don't know quite what to get a girl. Yes it's a stereotype but how is it affecting her opportunities and choices? Some of them she enjoyed playing with, some not so much. Some wouldn't be what she would have chosen but she still got enjoyment from them. The same applies to my son and the birthday presents he receives most follow boy stereotypes and aren't always what he would have chosen.

In other words yes people stick to the stereotypes in the examplesyou gave but I don't think its the end of the world. My daughter will (mostly) have the same opportunities as her brother because we will make sure she does and I hope most parents of boys and girls will say the same.

Also why blame the women and not men?

wrenika · 28/08/2017 21:58

Does it really matter in such trivial little things. Honestly, you just sound like 'that mum'.

talonofthepithon · 28/08/2017 21:59

People just want to drop off/pick up their kids. Give it a rest.

clairewilliams999 · 28/08/2017 21:59

I think some people have too much time on their hands and nothing serious to actually worry about. Not that equal rights isn't hugely important, but getting upset about a pink / creative birthday present... maybe you're not a very secure person and looking for an outlet to get angry with other people about?

Looneytune253 · 28/08/2017 22:02

FFS as it happens both my girls are very 'boyish' and like boy things and some girl things but tbh I work with children and no matter what you do the boys are usually drawn to the cars and trains and the girls will dress up or draw pictures. If it's what they prefer to do why not get them that for a bday pressie. If you don't know what they like, the safe option is surely a 'girly' toy for a girl. You're thinking about it too much. Let people live their lives. It can't be good for your health to get yourself so worked up over others' lives.

shivermytimbers · 28/08/2017 22:03

I tried to organise a petition to ban the Hijab in school that's a bit different though isn't it? If you make it impossible for some women to access a space because you make it untenable for them to balance their religious/ cultural traditions and beliefs with the rules of the establishment then you oppress them by exclusion.

shivermytimbers · 28/08/2017 22:04

But for what it's worth OP, I know what you mean

UnicornQueen · 28/08/2017 22:06

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StillDrivingMeBonkers · 28/08/2017 22:07

My children have genders. No matter how hard you try and eradicate those genders, they will still be male/female with preferences. It doesn't matter how many times you stamp your Jimmy Choos in fit of pique, Boys generally will gravitate to A set of toys and girls generally will gravitate to B set of toys. Sometimes they like both A and B sets of toys, sometimes they loathe both.

BTW - I don't understand why mothers aren't supporting women's rights at primary school. and I just don't understand why women fail to see the issue with this - lovely piece of gender stereotyping

titchy · 28/08/2017 22:07

Maybe these parents are all grimacing inside as they buy yet another item of pink for a birthday present, but being nice, they're confusing with the purchase because they know the child in question will love it.

I take it you make an effort to buy dolls for boys birthday presents and tricks for the girls? Because your principles are more important than making a child happy?

Banning the hijab from school Shock The arrogance of some people...

NataliaOsipova · 28/08/2017 22:08

I don't understand why mothers aren't supporting women's rights at primary school.

I'm not sure "gendered" party bags is evidence of mothers not supporting women's rights....

JeReviens · 28/08/2017 22:08

No but seriously - you do sound like hard work. I'd have crossed the playground to avoid you I'm afraid.
Just let other people do what they want to do and you do it your way according to your beliefs. People with agree with you or not - but you can't make them.

PickAChew · 28/08/2017 22:08

I'm surprised anyone talks to you. You sound... intense.

shivermytimbers · 28/08/2017 22:08

Try respecting the fact that it's also perfectly normal for children to be naturally attracted to pink even when they're girls, or blue because they're boys. what fact is that then? I'm intrigued to know the science behind girls natural affinity with pink.

titchy · 28/08/2017 22:08

TRUCKS for girls Blush

PacificDogwod · 28/08/2017 22:08

YANBU.
At all.
But many will not get your point and will roll their eyes at you (as they do at me).

Nan0second · 28/08/2017 22:11

YANBU
However, you are about to get 3 billion comments that all ignore the overwhelming gender stereotyping that begins from the 20week scan in the UK.
"Girls are naturally drawn to pink" - wtaf. Nope. This is a modern phenomena actually. Plenty of evidence showing how we talk and interact with the tiniest babies (and beyond) is entirely dictated by which genitals we perceive they have.

StorminaBcup · 28/08/2017 22:11

So it's not an issue for Fathers then?

StillDrivingMeBonkers · 28/08/2017 22:11

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Whenyouseeit · 28/08/2017 22:12

I tend to agree with you op. My very articulate god daughter aged 6 told me she wished she could be a boy because girls couldnt be 'team leaders'. Boys got to do exciting things, girls got to get married. She could list so many reasons why she thought that (none learned at home). Its the little, almost insignificant, things that build up into messages about relative skills/strength/value.