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AIBU?

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Original poster

He's only bloody 13 years old FFS

273 replies

youmayfoldunderquestioning · 27/08/2017 23:45

My son was 13 yesterday. Today we went to ASDA and a woman that works there was staring at him. She could not take her eyes off him. She obviously realised that I had clocked her and she started saying that she couldn't believe how much taller he was than me. She couldn't have known how old he was, or that he was taller than average. It was like she was trying to justify the staring. She was blushing and apologising but I felt very uneasy about the staring.

Then tonight we went out for dinner. The waitress was in her 40's. She came over to our table numerous times and was trying to talk to DS. She was saying he looked at least 16 and how good looking he was. She had obviously overheard his name and kept saying it when talking to him. He was uncomfortable with her attention and we left after our main course as we could not have any conversation without her coming over and interrupting. She only spoke to DS and not me and it felt wrong.

My son is a nice looking boy but he's a child not an adult. We don't go out in public together that often anymore (as he's embarrassed to be seen out with his mum) but these two incidents made me very uncomfortable. WIBU to say something the next time this happens?

OP posts:
FuckYouLinda · 28/08/2017 10:46

Even if it wasn't flirting, it was massively unprofessional. As a waiter she's there to facilitate you having a good night and a good experience in dining, but she's not there to join your party or to be your entertainment so her over-familiarity and frequency with which she interrupted your evening would be off-putting no matter who was dining - if you were there with your mother, your partner or a group of workmates her behaviour would spoil the experience.

So based on that, I'd complain. While her fawning over your child was massively inappropriate, and worth mentioning in your complaint, the wider complaint should be that her persistent intrusion on your family time spoiled your dinner to the extent you cut the outing short and her attention made your child very uncomfortable, and that those reasons are why you won't return.

Notknownatthisaddress · 28/08/2017 10:46

@elevenclips

Sometimes it's better to be plain

Even 'plain' people get harassed and hounded. And I known a number of young women who dress from head to toe in a baggy t-shirt, jeans, a big coat, a beanie hat, and flat converse, who make NO eye contact with anyone when walking, and who don't look remotely physically appealing. Yet they STILL get cat calls and wolf whistles, and men (often twice their age!) hitting on them.

Notknownatthisaddress · 28/08/2017 10:49

@Willow2017

So just cos its never happened to your son means its never happened to anyones son?

I never said it hadn't happened to anyone else's son FFS!

Stop making shit up will you? Hmm

And if you had bothered to read my post correctly, I was talking about my FRIEND'S SON. Hmm

NewDaddie · 28/08/2017 10:53

I should have said something. I feel bad that I didn't but it was such odd behaviour that I felt a bit flustered at the time.

Please don't feel bad OP I think you were justified in not reacting at the time (just in case you were overreacting) and then coming here to check. Accusing the waitress of behaving like a paedo is not something you do without being sure.

Parent to parent, I completely believe you that you felt what you felt. And we have to trust our instincts. But I also think there is a chance that the attention was due to the birthday and because your CHILD is gorgeous you are (and have to be) a little bit overprotective.

ohtheholidays · 28/08/2017 11:02

We've had the same happen on Saturday but it was directed towards our 9 year old DD who is asd,I nearly lamped the one guy that wouldn't stop staring and he was with his wife and she caught him doing it and did'nt say anything to him! [Angry]

Our DD is already 5ft 3 and she's not even 10 yet we worry enough about her as it is because of the asd but things like that happening make me even more scared for her future.

From the back sbe does look older because of her height and her hair(it's right down her back and very thick and wavy)but if you look at her face you can see she is only a child.

We sadly get this with all of our DC because they're all well above the average height for they're age.My Mum said she had the same from when I turned 11,fending grown men of and telling grown women that were bitchy to me where to go(I remember it all)I really hoped none of my own children would ever go through the same and it makes me so sad that they all are.

GabsAlot · 28/08/2017 11:06

i would complain op its not on

and as for nina all she does is troll threads well known for it

id ignore them

ohtheholidays · 28/08/2017 11:19

And yes OP (sorry forgot to answer your question)I would have waited until she'd walked away from your table and gone and had a quiet word with her about the fact she was being inappropraite towards your 13 Year Old SON!

If someone had said that about twitter with one of my DC I think my DH would have had to get me out of the restaurant as quick as he could for the safety of the idiot that had suggested it

kittybiscuits · 28/08/2017 11:44

Her intentions are not the pressing issue. Her behaviour is what needs to be raised. She overstepped the boundaries of her work role by repeatedly coming over to your table for no legitemate reason, addressing your son directly having gleaned his name by ovrhearring, making him and you feel uncomfortable. If there were inappropriate comments, you repeat those. Eg when she said x I felt embarrassed and my son was uncomfortable - it spoiled our meal. Let the trolls have a field day. Adults of both genders sometimes behave inappropriately to minors. That can be paying them unwanted attention and making unsolicited comments, lewd behaviour or full-blown sexual approaches and abuse. The people talking about stealth boasts are idiots. It doesn't only happen to tall children, or children defined by some as conventionally attractive. I wouldn't have caused embarrassment to my child at the time if it could have been avoided. I would write and email so that her manager is aware that there are issues.

rightknockered · 28/08/2017 12:00

Someone upthread mentioned jealousy and bitchiness. Yes, this is almost worse than the leering and unwanted advances. With it comes victim blaming, and the suggestions that you should enjoy it. Very unpleasant.
Make sure OP, that as well as teaching your ds how to cope with it all, you also emphasise to him that none of it is his fault, and to dress and conduct himself as he pleases.
Also to ignore all those that say he should seek out only 'niceness' in potential dates etc., and to date whoever he is attracted to.

PandorasXbox · 28/08/2017 12:08

I remember a friend who hadn't seen Ds (15 ay the time ) for about 4 years coming over all unnecessary when he came down in his shorts after his shower. She couldn't stop saying how gorgeous he was. That was weird to say the least.

StrangeLookingParasite · 28/08/2017 12:09

Why am I not surprised? The next question is: why are more people not surprised?

You need to add learning to read to your to-do list, nina2b. You are looking really, really stupid.

And don't worry OP, no-one else knows what nina's problem is, either.

EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 28/08/2017 12:13

Don't feel bad OP

they were in the wrong not you. he will unfortunately have to learn how to deal with remarks, staring, unwanted attention I don't think it is always about looks some women like teenage boys as some men like teenage girls. for anyone male or female unwanted attention can be horrible to deal with and I found the more flustered I got about it the more attention some creeps would give me as though they enjoyed me feeling uncomfortable, I am sure some women behave the same towards teenage boys

I found sorry do I know you (though I would drop the sorry) just you were looking over often worked I would never have told anyone to fuck off. I am glad now girls are taught to stand up for themselves more and at times a fuck off is absolutely appropriate

PeaFaceMcgee · 28/08/2017 13:00

This is an awful, victim blaming, sexist thread.

OP, I would report the harrassment you experienced to the manager. The fact that your son wishes to never return speaks volumes.

PeaFaceMcgee · 28/08/2017 13:03

I think being that he's a child, and was with his mum, he shouldn't have been expected to stand up for himself. We wouldn't expect a harassed 13yo girl to stand up for herself in the same situation.

HellToupee · 28/08/2017 13:13

I don't think it matters that OP's son is handsome as beauty is in the eye of the beholder and all that. The crucial issue is that an ADULT displayed inappropriate behaviour towards a CHILD.

As for everyone stating OP should have said something on the spot, I think my ghast would have been too flabbered to say something. And I'm not known for my meek personality.

And as for shoesizes; DS turned 14 last week, is 6'2" and wears a size 13. The fact that buying shoes is a mare does not stop him from playing footy in them during break, so yes, I too feel your pain!

LorLorr2 · 28/08/2017 13:21

If anyone doesn't like this thread Op it's blindingly obvious they don't like people having nicer things in their life than they feel they do, in your case a very handsome son Halo

I would've been giving some VERY strange looks to that waitress! No I don't think it would be unreasonable at all to say something next time, as long as you're sure it's flirting. Alternatively you could pretend it's his birthday every day and have him wear a '13' badge on his top lolol

mathanxiety · 28/08/2017 13:23

Children of 13 need to be taught how to stand up for themselves, whether boys or girls. It's not victim blaming to suggest this.

mathanxiety · 28/08/2017 13:25

The reason I taught my DDs (at 13 and even younger) to stand up for themselves at that age was that two of them were approached in parks and while walking on the path outside our home by strangers. 'I'm a minor' is what the police told them to say, good and loud.

Original poster
youmayfoldunderquestioning · 28/08/2017 13:33

Math. Thanks for that suggestion, which I've just mentioned to DS. It's a good idea and not confrontational.

OP posts:
PeaFaceMcgee · 28/08/2017 13:34

Children of 13 need to be taught how to stand up for themselves, whether boys or girls. It's not victim blaming to suggest this

To clarify...

Some posts on the thread are victim-blaming, not specifically the ones where pps say he needs to learn to stand up for himself.

My point was not that 13yo children should not ever have to stand up for themselves, but that when it is happening with their mother actually sat there, the parent should actually do something - be that leave, or say something, or complain - there and then or at a later date.

GrasswillbeGreener · 28/08/2017 13:46

^And as for shoes - just bought new school shoes with growing room; I thought we would be looking at 9 or possibly 10, but in the style we went for at any rate he could manage 11s!! Fully expect him to be well over 6 ft in another year.

That's huge! How tall is he now?^

Beginning of the summer (just after 12th birthday) we found he'd just passed his big sister, who's about 5'7" or just over? He's now quite clearly taller than her so may well have grown an inch over the holidays alone... Awaiting a decision when he goes back to school as to whether he can try to keep singing in the choir till Christmas ...Sad

bigmouthstrikesagain · 28/08/2017 13:56

I remember at school I was friends with a truly stunning girl. She was definitely getting attention from men at 13. A really dodgy 40 year old man was giving her clothes and made it clear he wanted to marry herShock he was talking to her mum about it. My friend thought it was funny but it wasnt. In some people beauty inspires mad behaviour, it is hard to imagine when you are not witness to it. I used to get weird attention for having long red hair and freckles, it induced old dunk irish men to sing or lament about their daughters (that they don't see) mainly. You cannot control other people's reactions you can only deal with them.

indulgentberries · 28/08/2017 14:23

5'7! That's a good 4 inches taller than my 13 year old who is in size 9 shoes.

thingscanonlygetbetterrrr · 28/08/2017 14:48

My DD got a lot of unwanted attention during her teenage years. She is (and was then) very tall, blonde (not sure what colour it is this week!), slim and very attractive. She was also completely oblivious to the effect this had on much older boys and men. I was totally aware of the motivation for their behaviour and stepped in often both home and abroad (it was much worse in a North African country whereby I had to threaten serious violence for the young men in question to back off). I had to teach her strategies to firstly recognise it and secondly how to handle it when her crazy mother wasn't around to put the fear of death into randy 18-25 year old holiday reps! This all started when she was about 10-11. Before then she got a lot of waiter and waitress attention on the blonde hair blue eyed cute factor which never got out of hand. I think it can be hard for parents to know how to deal with this type of attention as it involves not only protection of your child's welfare but acknowledgment that they are hurtling towards adulthood and even before they are interested or ready for the effect they have on others, we can't control if others view them in a sexual way. That's why we protect them and teach them how to handle it. It's a life skill.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 28/08/2017 16:16

Bigmouth Yes I too was a redheaded magnet for drunken old Irish men. And Irish people in general, presuming I was Irish in the pubs of 80s London.

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