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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He's only bloody 13 years old FFS

273 replies

youmayfoldunderquestioning · 27/08/2017 23:45

My son was 13 yesterday. Today we went to ASDA and a woman that works there was staring at him. She could not take her eyes off him. She obviously realised that I had clocked her and she started saying that she couldn't believe how much taller he was than me. She couldn't have known how old he was, or that he was taller than average. It was like she was trying to justify the staring. She was blushing and apologising but I felt very uneasy about the staring.

Then tonight we went out for dinner. The waitress was in her 40's. She came over to our table numerous times and was trying to talk to DS. She was saying he looked at least 16 and how good looking he was. She had obviously overheard his name and kept saying it when talking to him. He was uncomfortable with her attention and we left after our main course as we could not have any conversation without her coming over and interrupting. She only spoke to DS and not me and it felt wrong.

My son is a nice looking boy but he's a child not an adult. We don't go out in public together that often anymore (as he's embarrassed to be seen out with his mum) but these two incidents made me very uncomfortable. WIBU to say something the next time this happens?

OP posts:
CosmicPineapple · 28/08/2017 10:07

Why have I had to explain that, I wonder? Do some posters really find it so hard to read relatively simple English?

It appears you do Hmm

The OP has described how bad the waitresses behaviour was and other inappropriate behaviour by women.

Her son is good looking so thats why it happens.
My own DS is very handsome and it happens to him because of his good looks and size.

Original poster
youmayfoldunderquestioning · 28/08/2017 10:12

Nina. I'm not sure what your problem is.

OP posts:
TitsalinaBumSquash · 28/08/2017 10:13

If this were a 13 yr old girl that OP was posting about, people would be quick to shout that these older men commenting and flirting were sleazy , perverts and creeps! Double standards are strong as usual I see.

It would piss me off too OP, adults of any sex shouldn't be flirting with young teenagers.

nameissues · 28/08/2017 10:14

My son is very good looking too. Fact. That doesn't mean I am. Sadly.

I haven't seen any boasting by the OP.

ForalltheSaints · 28/08/2017 10:14

It may be much less common than dirty old men talking to young teenage girls but it is still not right. Complaining now would be the right thing to do.

nameissues · 28/08/2017 10:15

(And yes I cannot believe that such gorgeous creatures (all my dc) are mine Grin).

Willow2017 · 28/08/2017 10:15

Nina

Why am I not surprised that people jump on the troll hunting bandwagon without checking if they are right or not first?

(Not aimed at poster who got it wrong and apologised)

Original poster
youmayfoldunderquestioning · 28/08/2017 10:17

He is nice looking. Surely that's genetics. I have nothing to do with how he looks. It's hardly boasting and not the point of this thread anyway.

OP posts:
Notknownatthisaddress · 28/08/2017 10:17

I don't think the waitress meant anything sexual or was being pervy, and it is understandable that a young person who is physically attractive will turn heads and get comments. I myself have commented on very cute kids, coo-ing and ooh-ing and ahh-ing over them. And one lass I saw the other week straight up looked like Beyonce. (She was 17-19 ish.) OMG she was gorgeous.

In addition, my friend's son (14,) looks very much like a very famous Hollywood actor, and is very handsome, and he gets comments quite often too.

However, no-one ever means anything bad or pervy, and no middle aged woman has ever come onto him!

However, if this waitress kept going on and on and was gushing over him, that would have been annoying. It may be worth writing a polite letter to the company in question, (naming no names as you don't want anyone sacked!) and asking if waitresses could be asked to not make personal comments about the appearance of people, and in particular their children.

Lauralou69 · 28/08/2017 10:18

I'm sorry but why do 'good looking' people have to learn to handle it?? In what universe is it acceptable to make someone feel uncomfortable simply because they are deemed good looking?? It's rude and intrusive. I've had this since I was a teenager and considered to be 'good looking' and it's bloody horrible to be leered at by strangers!! Now I'm 48 and so obviously it doesn't happen as much now and over the years rather than learning to 'put up with it', I've learned to stick up for my right not to be leered at with a prompt 'what are you staring at??' With varying degrees of feisty depending on who the starer is. OP, your son does not have to learn to put up with it at all and neither do you.

rightknockered · 28/08/2017 10:21

It must be very confusing for your ds OP. I had unwanted attention from the age of 10, although at the time I did not understand what was going on. Men following me down the street, being followed by cars, being leered at, bumped into, rubbed up against. I was often frightened to go out, and took to walking at great speed, and avoiding eye contact.
I think you need to talk to your ds, he must be trying to work out what is going on. I also think he is most likely getting this when you are not with him, and it is likely worse.
He needs to learn to handle it, and keep himself safe

WomblingThree · 28/08/2017 10:21

The problem I have is that it shouldn't make any difference how "good looking" a person is. Going on about it is a red herring. Don't ugly people get hit on or something? I'm certainly no oil painting and I've had my fair share of unwanted attention.

I actually don't think it particularly matters whether it happened as the OP thinks it did. The point is, if she thought the staff member was inappropriate, she should have dealt with it there and the rather than coming home and posting a thread asking whether she should have said anything.

GrasswillbeGreener · 28/08/2017 10:21

To be honest this is a useful "heads up" in that I have a just-turned-12 yr old son to whom this sort of nonsense may start happening for much the same reasons. He will definitely need some guidance to keep him out of difficulties as at present he is anything but wordly wise.

And as for shoes - just bought new school shoes with growing room; I thought we would be looking at 9 or possibly 10, but in the style we went for at any rate he could manage 11s!! Fully expect him to be well over 6 ft in another year.

NewDaddie · 28/08/2017 10:22

@Allthewaves

Was the holiday an outward bound?

rightknockered · 28/08/2017 10:24

Learning to handle it, does not mean that it is ok to leer at good looking young people or to harass anyone in any way. It is just that he needs to learn a coping strategy, because no matter how many times he calls people out on it, it will continue to happen unfortunately.
I'm 40s and it still happens to me, and it is still upsetting.
Talk to your ds OP, and teach him how keep himself safe

Original poster
youmayfoldunderquestioning · 28/08/2017 10:24

I should have said something. I feel bad that I didn't but it was such odd behaviour that I felt a bit flustered at the time.

OP posts:
CosmicPineapple · 28/08/2017 10:27

You do not need to feel bad!

The inappropriate behavior was not your fault.

I would imagine in future you will be more forthright but you are in no way at fault. It was a shock.

rightknockered · 28/08/2017 10:27

Don't feel bad OP. I think a lot of people would be flustered.

nina2b · 28/08/2017 10:27

Today 10:21 WomblingThree

The problem I have is that it shouldn't make any difference how "good looking" a person is. Going on about it is a red herring. Don't ugly people get hit on or something? I'm certainly no oil painting and I've had my fair share of unwanted attention.

I actually don't think it particularly matters whether it happened as the OP thinks it did. The point is, if she thought the staff member was inappropriate, she should have dealt with it there and the rather than coming home and posting a thread asking whether she should have said anything.

At last some common sense in this weird thread.

Ttbb · 28/08/2017 10:33

Staring and blushing isn't always meant in a sexual way. Sometimes people stare because some people are just beautiful to look at. Sometimes they blush because they are embarrassed. Women who are so much older probably assume that there is no issue with it because the idea of any sexual thoughts would be absurd.

indulgentberries · 28/08/2017 10:34

And as for shoes - just bought new school shoes with growing room; I thought we would be looking at 9 or possibly 10, but in the style we went for at any rate he could manage 11s!! Fully expect him to be well over 6 ft in another year.

That's huge! How tall is he now?

indulgentberries · 28/08/2017 10:35

Don't ugly people get hit on or something? I'm certainly no oil painting and I've had my fair share of unwanted attention.

No, not in my experience. I've not had unwanted attention since I was in my teens.

elevenclips · 28/08/2017 10:40

Society has become completely fucked up. Looks are valued above anything. Unfortunately for your ds this is going to be difficult to navigate - two people who I know of who are extremely good looking have struggled with it. Your ds needs to understand the issue and deal with it.

#1 a man who everywhere he goes women flock to him and come on to him, more than one at a time like he has some sort of magnet inside him. This has facilitated him cheating on every partner he's ever had over 25 years. He has no wife and kids but more than 1000 notches on the bedpost. Clearly he could have shown a bit of restraint but people were all over him from his teenage years and still are. It's bizarre to watch but there is nowhere he can't pull.

#2 gorgeous woman, partnered with a friend of mine - couldn't go anywhere without someone coming on to her, friend dumped her as he couldn't deal with it.

Sometimes it's better to be plain!

NewDaddie · 28/08/2017 10:44

I think the green eyed monster is running rampant on this thread.

Willow2017 · 28/08/2017 10:44

However, no-one ever means anything bad or pervy, and no middle aged woman has ever come onto him!

So just cos its never happened to your son means its never happened to anyones son?

Look at the thread above you for just one example.

Women who are so much older probably assume that there is no issue with it because the idea of any sexual thoughts would be absurd.

So there are no women sexual predators ever? No female teachers ever seduced young male students? Try googling it there are plenty to chose from.

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