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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be annoyed with these parents?

298 replies

ilivebythesea · 27/08/2017 17:30

OK, deep breath..., this'll be long...

Have taken one of my DDs away for a weekend break, just the two of us. We are staying in a cottage, with about 8 other cottages around us.

We were swimming in the outdoor pool earlier in the day and DD, aged 14, made friends with 2 children. After lunch, DD asked if she could go back to the pool to play with these same children. Their parents were there, so I said yes, as long as she asked if she could play with them. I said if they weren't there or if they left the pool at any time, she had to come straight back to the cottage.

The rules on the side of the pool say no lone swimming and that children under 15 must have a parent poolside. DD is 15 in two weeks time.

DD came back saying she'd had a great time with these children. The parents were present all the time and had agreed she could play with their children.

OK, so just now, a member of staff knocked on our cottage door, saying some parents (I wonder who?) had phoned the office (which is not open as it's sunday), to complain, sorry, I meant voice their concern that a child was swimming alone in the pool and that they'd had to supervise her! Staff member kept saying no-one is allowed to swim solo (she wasn't) and if she's under 15, I had to be there. She's hardly going to be any different in two weeks time when she is 15. Staff member obviously believes other parents story.

Now I feel like shit. She's a competent swimmer, responsible teenager and I was trying to give her some independence, especially as she's quite shy. She's really upset too. I trust her completely when she says she wasn't alone and that she'd asked the parents if she could play with their children. At no time did I or DD ask them to assume parental responsibility for her.

They know which cottage we are in, so why not come and speak to me about it, rather than tell tales and lies and upset us both. Feel like packing up early and going home...

OP posts:

2014newme · 27/08/2017 18:53

God no. Let them holiday in peace

woodhill · 27/08/2017 18:53

They were petty. Fgs I used to go to the swimming pool aged 10 and met friends. It's not like your dd was a toddler, she is nay on 15 and doesn't need supervision. The other dc invited her to come with them

FlakeBook · 27/08/2017 18:58

Why didn't you just tell the staff she's 15?

honeyroar · 27/08/2017 18:59

Mumsnet is full of people that aren't confident to assert themselves and feel like they're being walked over by other people (often other parents re pushing childcare onto them!), so not everyone will feel confident to knock on your door and tell you they're not happy. It's easier for them to ring someone else official and get them to say it. I'm cabin crew, I can't tell you the number of times people ring the bell to ask me to ask the person in front to put their chair forward - they don't want the confrontation of doing it themselves. It was probably the same here. IF IT WAS ACTUALLY THEM - you don't even know for sure it was them.

At the end of the day you did send her out underage for the pool and you did, if you're honest, think that the other family would supervise her for you, and you didn't ask them. Plus you didn't know them that well, you'd only just met them.. It's a bit of a silly rule, but for whatever reason it's there, you broke it and you got caught out. Take it on the chin, apologise to the warden, if you haven't already, and carry on without drama when you see the family next (you probably owe them an ice cream now!).

charlestonchaplin · 27/08/2017 19:00

It's the (cowardly) British way, isn't it? Avoid dealing directly with an awkward issue, stew about it and if possible complain (ideally anonymously) to some authority figure.

PuppyMonkey · 27/08/2017 19:00

Crikey, seems way over the top to inform management - surely it would be quicker and easier for them to tell your DD to nip back and get you as the rules say no under 15s without adult supervision.

at knickerbockering doors...

flumpybear · 27/08/2017 19:01

Llen- it's not the gestapo ffs - it's a debate between right and wrong - OP was in the wrong by breaking the rules of the pool letting a child go to the pool on her own, but also expecting another family to take responsibility for her - that's just a hard fact - now her own judgement was picked up as being wrong and now she's been told off - what's gestapo about telling her she's wrong?!

Swimming pools can be dangerous. I watch my kids in the pool as I see fit to as I know their swimming abilities and their behavioural traits - this other family did not know this child so probably felt they could t relax and had to be extra vigilant because someone else didn't want to supervise their own kid

Justdontknow4321 · 27/08/2017 19:04

They may have agreed to let her 'play with their kids'. They didnt agree to watch her for you and being the supervising adult/parent, and she needed her own adult there to watch her, not pass the buck to some strangers you met in the morning.

You basically stayed inside and put your feet up while you let the neighbouring cottages strangers keep an eye on her for you . Just because she was playing with there kids doesn't mean they want the responsibility of looking after her.

Also I would feel like I would have to say yes to your daughter coming over and playing even if I didn't want her there as she's only a kid, if she would of said no you would be saying how mean she is when your dd only wanted to play.

Maybe they don't like confrontation and that's why they called reception as well instead of speaking to you.

flumpybear · 27/08/2017 19:05

Whoever said the parents of the other kid should have knocked on her door to sort it - why?! The OP should have done the right thing in the first place - she was wrong, why should someone else sort it out

TipTopTipTopClop · 27/08/2017 19:08

Good grief. I have a 14, almost 15 year old (3 weeks) and he does not require supervision at the pool. He is stronger and more fit than I am.

Is this a community swimming pool? I am baffled by the idea that the OP needs to follow a nearly 15 year old around on holiday.

BackieJerkhart · 27/08/2017 19:10

It's the (cowardly) British way, isn't it? Avoid dealing directly with an awkward issue

Well TBF, OP took the cowards way out of asking them to mind her daughter by getting her daughter to "ask if she could play with her friends".

PuppyMonkey · 27/08/2017 19:11

Yes yes, we get it OP was wrong. But telling the DD to nip back and get her mum would have sorted it all much quicker.

And sorry I don't believe someone who is competent enough to call the office is not competent enough to tell a teenager to go and get her mum.

flumpybear · 27/08/2017 19:11

Tip top if you rtt lots of us have said it's probably for insurance purposes - under 15 at pool = uninsured , regardless of whether they're Olympian standard or doggy paddle

indulgentberries · 27/08/2017 19:11

It's a bit churlish of them to complain to the office but the rules clearly state that an under 15 year old must have a parent present, you are her parent so you should have been there.

BackieJerkhart · 27/08/2017 19:13

People saying "my Dc swims alone aged 8" are missing the point. The rule might well be ridiculous and unnecessary but it is the rule in place at this pool and OP agreed to that rule when she booked her holiday. This isn't about whether 14 year olds can look after themselves, they mostly can wrt swimming. This is about the rule at this particular place. It doesn't matter if you think it's ridiculous, it matters that the OP agreed to it when she booked.

EyesUnderARock · 27/08/2017 19:14

And it's not cowardly or British at all to want to pack up and sneak home? OP could just apologise for the misunderstanding. Sorted.

BackieJerkhart · 27/08/2017 19:14

It's too late to disagree with the rule after you've agreed to it and then find it inconvenient.

JigglyTuff · 27/08/2017 19:20

It's not a community swimming pool - it's a pool at a holiday place. No lifeguards. There are rules about the swimming pool:

no lone swimming
no children under 15 without adult supervision.

The OP chose to ignore those. It was unfair of her to expect the other parents to effectively act in loco parentis. And rude to not even speak to them about it.

InvisibleKittenAttack · 27/08/2017 19:21

I would probably have done what the other parents in this case did. I wouldn't think expecting the staff to sort out other guests dumping their DCs on me would be 'cowardly' - more, if I was on this holiday, I don't want to be bothered confronting another guest and having to put up with any unpleasantness, when I could get the people paid to deal with it to sort it out.

OP - don't bother packing up and going home. There's no reason to ruin the holiday. If you see them tomorrow, smile and say you are sorry for the mix up yesterday with DD coming to the pool. Then sit yourself on a sun lounger where you can see the pool and read a book in peace. If they are British too, they'll say not to worry about it, all forgotten, and you can both pretend it was just a mix up that noone minds about. You aren't goign to see these people again after you go home, so why worry what they think?

Bluntness100 · 27/08/2017 19:22

On why the word " play with these children" is slightly odd it's because it's seldom used in conjunction with 15 year olds. Usually it's a term used with much, much younger children. I've actually never heard someone say a 15 year old is going out to play. Usually it's something like they are going to hang out with their friends or something.

I also think it's weird they reported her though. Clearly one or both of the parents didn't want your kid there. It's hard to say no to be fair if someone asks, they probably felt obliged to say yes when they wanted time together.

It's hard to know what's going on with others, but I think the message is very clear. Unless you're there and spending time with your child, they don't want you sending your daughter along to spend time with their family and they don't want to feel responsible for her.

SparklyUnicornPoo · 27/08/2017 19:24

You said she had to come back straight away if the parents left so you clearly were expecting them to be responsible for her to some extent.

I generally holiday with my sister, we both work in schools, so a) we don't want to be looking after other peoples kids on holiday and b) we have to cover our own backs, being alone in a pool with a 14 year old child wouldn't be sensible, because if she had an accident why were we there knowing that under 15's need a parent? You are a stranger so we don't know if you are going to be reasonable or kick off, and sadly it's not unheard of for people to make false accusations, so talking to the office is the safest option, if you don't like it don't break the rules.

Barbie222 · 27/08/2017 19:33

Thing is, there are so many piss takers in the world, who will try and get free childcare from virtual strangers, that this couple are probably wary and are setting out their stall now. They are letting you know, in that typical British way where we avoid direct conversations, that they are not going to look after your child for you.

This. It is a bit weird that they would report to hotel staff rather than go to have a word with you themselves and maybe you need to look at how you are coming across to strangers generally? There are people I'd have a little word with, and then there are people I'd bypass and go straight over their heads TBH rather than risk an unpleasant confrontation with an unreasonable person. Unfortunstely, they may have put you in the second category.

YABU - spend time with your girl and see this additional family round the edges of that so you don't look cheeky.

jollygoose · 27/08/2017 19:43

wow some people are being very hard on the op. why on earth she should need supervision at that age I cannot imagine. By the time I was 15 I had two part time jobs travelled 5 miles to town on bus or bike.
ffs let your kids grow up.

Chickoletta · 27/08/2017 19:50

YABU. Surely no need to go home though?

EyesUnderARock · 27/08/2017 19:52

Part of letting your kids grow up is teaching them about rules, the written and unwritten ones. DS was a fantastic driver at 15, his reversing and spatial awareness was better than mine.

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