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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be annoyed with these parents?

298 replies

ilivebythesea · 27/08/2017 17:30

OK, deep breath..., this'll be long...

Have taken one of my DDs away for a weekend break, just the two of us. We are staying in a cottage, with about 8 other cottages around us.

We were swimming in the outdoor pool earlier in the day and DD, aged 14, made friends with 2 children. After lunch, DD asked if she could go back to the pool to play with these same children. Their parents were there, so I said yes, as long as she asked if she could play with them. I said if they weren't there or if they left the pool at any time, she had to come straight back to the cottage.

The rules on the side of the pool say no lone swimming and that children under 15 must have a parent poolside. DD is 15 in two weeks time.

DD came back saying she'd had a great time with these children. The parents were present all the time and had agreed she could play with their children.

OK, so just now, a member of staff knocked on our cottage door, saying some parents (I wonder who?) had phoned the office (which is not open as it's sunday), to complain, sorry, I meant voice their concern that a child was swimming alone in the pool and that they'd had to supervise her! Staff member kept saying no-one is allowed to swim solo (she wasn't) and if she's under 15, I had to be there. She's hardly going to be any different in two weeks time when she is 15. Staff member obviously believes other parents story.

Now I feel like shit. She's a competent swimmer, responsible teenager and I was trying to give her some independence, especially as she's quite shy. She's really upset too. I trust her completely when she says she wasn't alone and that she'd asked the parents if she could play with their children. At no time did I or DD ask them to assume parental responsibility for her.

They know which cottage we are in, so why not come and speak to me about it, rather than tell tales and lies and upset us both. Feel like packing up early and going home...

OP posts:
Chickoletta · 27/08/2017 19:55

When I was at school a friend of mine drowned swimming lengths in an unlifeguarded pool. His dad was using the gym next door and came in to find him dead. He must have been about 14 at the time and was a very fit lad, competitive swimmer, good all round sportsman, loved his outdoor pursuits etc and nobody really knows how/why he drowned. I think it was after this incident that a lot of hotels changed their policies about lone swimming, understandably.

Mittens1969 · 27/08/2017 19:57

I actually find it so totally ridiculous that the rules say children under 15 need to be supervised, I mean why?? Most children are competent swimmers long before that. We've just come back from a campsite where kids of 8 years old and over don't need to be supervised. (Not that we did allow our DD1 to swim unsupervised as that is too young.)

But honestly, my siblings were left unsupervised in Swiss swimming pools when we were 12, 10 and 8 years old and I had a love of diving. So 15 seems beyond ridiculous. (I'm not saying that was right, btw.)

A PP had a point, how did the other parents know that the girl was under 15, since she was only 2 weeks shy of 15??

Primrose06 · 27/08/2017 20:02

I think the op handled it badly.
Rules sadly are usely there for a reason.
I know it sounds crazy but that's the way it is. Your dd was likely much safer than I who don't swim would be despite being 55 +
Don't worry to much about it.

ScissorBow · 27/08/2017 20:03

How did the other parents know the girl was under 15? My 4 year old knows how old she is!! I've only got my experience with her to go on but basically the conversation starts like this "Hi my name's XXXX. What's your name?" Followed by "I'm 4 how old are you?" "My birthday is after Christmas, when's yours?"

So to be honest in about 3 minutes any parent near us knows exactly how old my DD is!!

If the rules are 15 and over and the child my child was playing with was 14 (and no discussion of birthdays - who knows whether they're still that fascinating as teenagers) but was a pleasant girl and a competent swimmer then I'd just think the parent had used her discretion and the child was fine to swim. Rules are rules but my 4 year old is 110cm so can go on loads of 1.1m rides. Her friend is 5 but only 105cm so if we're going on age her friend is fine but going on height my DD is fine. Going on common sense they're both fine!

ItsInTheDogsMouth · 27/08/2017 20:04

Yabu, if i'd been the other family, i would have felt i'd assumed responsibility for her if she'd come, unaccompanied, to ask if she could play with my children. Then i'd have felt pissed off if i'd wanted to leave the pool, knowing i couldn't leave her there unaccompanied. You should have checked with these parents if they were happy to take responsibility for your daughter. Then the 'rules' could be established that when i was ready to leave, she would understand that she had to leave. The other family would not know that she is responsible teenager and that you'd told her to leave if the other family left.

Bluntness100 · 27/08/2017 20:07

wow some people are being very hard on the op. why on earth she should need supervision at that age I cannot imagine

Then you need to read the thread, it's not complex. For whatever reason the pool rules were kids were not to be left without a parent present if they are under the age of 15.

PandorasXbox · 27/08/2017 20:11

How did they know she was 14?
I can't get my head around someone dobbing you in for this. It's bizarre. A nearly 15 is a young adult and unless she can't swim ( which she can because it said upthread ) I can't see what skin it would be off the nose of these other parents.

Confused
Polarbearpaddle · 27/08/2017 20:12

I think if your DD asked the other parents if she could play with their child and explained that she would leave the pool if they left, like you instructed her to then the other parents would feel that you expected them to supervise her.

I think this got their hackles up and that's why they complained.

PandorasXbox · 27/08/2017 20:15

I can't imagine even registering that a nearly 15 year old had got in the pool to play with the kids let alone be arsed enough to go and complain. Some miserable arseholes about.

NewPapaGuinea · 27/08/2017 20:17

Seems very petty (no petting) to me. They'd hardly need to move a muscle to "supervise" a 14 year old. That said, I'm as laid back as they come and am often suprised what other people get stroppy about.

stella23 · 27/08/2017 20:20

Maybe they wanted to leave the pool and didn't feel they could leave your dd on her own

Abra1d · 27/08/2017 20:23

Then they just say, we're going back now, so you'll need to go back to your parents.

I have done this many times on holiday.

Ragwort · 27/08/2017 20:27

Are you sure it was the same parents that complained? Perhaps someone else complained, maybe they didn't like the sound of children playing? It does sound very odd that these parents bothered to make a formal complaint if they had previously said they liked having your DD around to play with their children. Confused.

Willow2017 · 27/08/2017 20:29

It's pretty simple.

Rules say no under 15s without parent. You broke them and presumed that the other parents would be there in your place. You admitted it several times in your posts.

You can't get the hump because they didn't want responsibility for your child

I wouldn't be happy being made to feel responsible for someone elses kid by someone I had just met when I was on holiday to relax with my kids.

Your kid you parent them. Doesnt matter if of you like the rules or not. You agreed to them by booking there.

Jg1 · 27/08/2017 20:36

If this was me and my son Is Have said yes, go play. I'd also have gone to check with other parents that it was ok.
Reverse and another child came to play with my son I'd make sure I found the parents to see if they knew where there child was.

PandorasXbox · 27/08/2017 20:42

Who would really go running to management about a nearly 15 year old THAT CAN SWIM to snitch that she was unsupervised.

Who would really do that?

OP how did they know she wasn't quite 15?

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 27/08/2017 20:46

If you read my post, it says I wasn't expecting them to supervise her.

Then you knew you were breaking the rules of the pool.

She was swimming 'solo as there was no one there looking out for her.

CrowyMcCrowFace · 27/08/2017 20:48

Well, it's the rules, even if the rules are a bit of an ass!

I live on a compound with many pools & a 'no unsupervised U12s' rule. Many of us are teaching colleagues & friends so it's pretty standard for dc to rock up at the pool when a family/adult they know are there.

The deal is that if you leave, you tell all dc tagalongs to hop it too.

Recently I was swimming with dds & two of their friends turned up 'is it OK to join you guys, mum is coming down later.' Fine.

As it happened I had to leave before their mum arrived. Told them to get out 'oh OK Crowy, we'll play on the swings till mum gets here instead.' Also fine. I whatsapped their mum to let her know they were in the play area. Great she says, I'll be there in 5 anyway.

As it turned out, as soon as I was out of sight the little monkeys (11 & 9, both fish) were back in the water.

Security turfed them out & turned up at my villa to complain I'd left them in the pool unsupervised. Er no! Referred them to the dc's mum.

Apologetic message from their mum for putting me in an awkward situation followed. Kids also made to apologise by their mum.

The thing is, they were perfectly safe - they both swim like fish, lots of other people about.

But that's the rule. They broke it. Resultant bollocking from security /their mum/me.

Yabu OP, but no biggie. Just apologise nicely to other family if you see them?

PandorasXbox · 27/08/2017 20:48

A nearly 15 year old that can swim doesn't need anyone looking out for them.

Original poster
ilivebythesea · 27/08/2017 20:54

Hi Pandora

They knew she was nearly 15 because the other girl asked her when her birthday was. And because DD is honest she said 14, but 15 in a couple of weeks time.

We weren't deliberately flouting the rules, but thinking it's reasonable to say she will have the same level of responsibility in two weeks time as she does now.

OP posts:
TeenTimesTwo · 27/08/2017 21:02

One issue that I think others are missing is that the teens might be able to swim fine, but a bunch of 12/13/14yos in a holiday pool could get very rowdy and upset other guests. So they might have the rule there for behaviour rather than pure swimming ability.

honeyroar · 27/08/2017 21:03

Yes we all get that bit!! A 14 year old is quite capable of being a good swimmer and going to a pool unsupervised!! HOWEVER... you booked a cottage somewhere that had a rule that said under 15 yr olds can't swim unsupervised. It doesn't matter if the whole world thinks it's silly (I do too) or whether she's 15 in two days, that's the way it is. Their place, their rules. Just about every hotel I've ever been to had pool rules of some form.

SpareChangeDownTheSofa · 27/08/2017 21:05

I think the reason they complained was because they were okay with your DD being there but eventually they wanted to leave but felt they couldn't because it would mean your DD would have to get out too.

They probably felt obliged to stay and therefore wanted to complain to ensure you didn't let your child to the pool for them to supervise (by the pool rules) again, incase they got trapped with ''looking after'' her.

Or maybe they didn't really want to have her spending time with their family unit and taking responsibility of your daughter but were too polite to tell her no.

ElliotBoy · 27/08/2017 21:09

A lot of absurdly harsh responses here, mumsnet has changed and not for the better 😖

I can totally understand how you must feel hurt.

I don't think it's unsalvageable though. You probably don't feel like doing this but hear me out. Pop down to their cottage and say the manager has just passed on their concerns. Apologise profusely for any inconvenience and explain that it was never your intention to cause them concern, you had misunderstood the arrangement. Offer to do next day at the pool with all the girls, buy them an ice cream, and in short, make it impossible for them to do anything other than feel sheepish.
They may respond in kind and you could all end up having a great day. The girls will love it and you will feel better for doing the mature thing.
Definitely don't go home!! That would be a crazy overreaction and give your daughter a very poor example of conflict resolution.

In the big picture this is a small thing. Deal with it and enjoy the rest of your holiday.

Firesuit · 27/08/2017 21:10

The world has gone mad! A 14 year-old can't use a pool without a parent present?

I find it bat-shit crazy that public pools even have lifeguards.

While still in primary school used to get on my bike, travel 5 miles on public roads and swim in the 50m municipal pool. There was a high diving board at the deepest point, and I used to like seeing if I could touch the bottom. This pool had no lifeguards, I guess they assumed that people who couldn't swim wouldn't be stupid enough to jump in the deep end. And that anyone capable of getting themself to the pool was sensible enough to keep themselves (and any small children they brought with them) from drowning.