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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to take this child's sibling too?

336 replies

Wilburissomepig · 27/08/2017 09:57

Off for a day out today for DD's birthday and have invited her friend to come with us. She's an absolutely lovely kid and I'm more than happy to have her come along, she comes out with us quite a lot.

Have just had a text from her mum to ask if we can also take her sister with us too as she (mum) isn't feeling very well today and it would really help her out.

Normally, I would be happy to help but I really don't want to take her sister too. She used to come round 2/3 years ago when the girls were younger but I had to put a stop to it as she caused so much drama. She constantly argues with her sister, makes her cry, kicked the dog while he was asleep to get him to move out of her way Angry and was consistently unkind to my DD too. She's 12, very sullen and generally would make the day miserable for everyone.

She also, I very strongly believe, took some things from my house and money from my purse. I didn't tell her mum at the time (I know I should have) because she was going through a horrendous time at that point and didn't want to make things worse. I've since found out that she did the same at another friends house (who did tell mum so she is aware of the problem). After the dog and money incidents (on the same day) I just put a stop to her coming round by generally engineering it that way. (So I basically took the easy way out).

I feel like a bitch for not helping this woman out if she's not well but I really don't want to take this girl along too and I'm well aware that I sound like an utter cow for saying this about a 12 year old kid but it's really going to spoil the day for DD and her friend. I also don't know what to say to her mum.

OP posts:
Funnyface1 · 27/08/2017 10:14

I would just say no and not really feel like I needed to give a reason. If she's cheeky enough to ask then you can be cheeky enough to say no.

Not that I think you would be cheeky to say no, she sounds like a nightmare.

olderandnowiser · 27/08/2017 10:14

YANBU. She's trying to manipulate you.

NataliaOsipova · 27/08/2017 10:16

"So sorry, normally happy to help, but we can't on this occasion. Hope you're soon feeling much better."

She was pretty out of order to ask, I think (major emergency excepted).

Fairenuff · 27/08/2017 10:17

If she's a good friend and you think she can take it, I would just say that last time the three girls were together the siblings bickered a lot so you'd prefer to just take the two friends. That way you're being honest but not just blaming one child. After all, their mum must know they bicker.

Alternatively just say you can't have a third as 'three's a crowd' and hope she feels better soon.

LazyDailyMailJournos · 27/08/2017 10:18

Agree with PP, at 12 she's old enough to entertain herself and not need constant monitoring and supervision - so there's no reason why she couldn't sit with DVDs or on YouTube whilst her Mum has a quiet day.

I'd text back and tell her that unfortunately it's not possible but you hope she feels better soon.

Shadow666 · 27/08/2017 10:18

I'm guessing the mum isn't ill and the sister is sulking because she hasn't been invited, but she caused this situation herself with her awful behavior. It sucks for her but I wouldn't risk ruining your daughter's birthday for her.

Original poster
Wilburissomepig · 27/08/2017 10:20

The problem is I'm a shocking people pleaser. I get myself tied up in knots stressing about things like this.

I've texted back 'Sorry you're not feeling well, I'm afraid we can't take anyone else today, hope you're feeling better soon'.

Picking her DD up at 11 so now I'm worried that I'll be questioned. I wish I was stronger in these situations.

OP posts:
ShapelyBingoWing · 27/08/2017 10:21

It's a really cheeky thing to ask so I'd just reply "Sorry, I can't take her I'm afraid. Hope you're feeling better soon. Lucky 12 year olds are fairly self sufficient, eh?"

ShapelyBingoWing · 27/08/2017 10:22

X post.

Good work OP. Stick to your guns!

AnnieAnoniMouse · 27/08/2017 10:22

Say 'No, we can't. Sorry'

She's 12 for christ sake, plenty old enough to sort herself out when her mums 'not well'. I expect there's nothing wrong with her, she just wants a break from the little madam. Tough.

Don't let her spoil your DD's day and her sister probably needs a break from her too. Not to mention you don't need the hassle.

jeaux90 · 27/08/2017 10:22

If she questions you "its dd's birthday and she wants time just with xxx"

chickenowner · 27/08/2017 10:24

Well done for saying no!

Now practise saying it again in case she asks when you get to her house.

Tour · 27/08/2017 10:24

My guess is the dd has kicked up a fuss so Mum is trying to blackmail you into taking her. Don't

HappyintheHills · 27/08/2017 10:24

Just remember that she has asked, you've replied so if she questions further really it's her that's being rude.

LindyHemming · 27/08/2017 10:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Notanothergiraffe · 27/08/2017 10:25

Well done. You just need to remember as a people pleaser that it is more important to please your daughter today as it is her birthday treat than it is to please your friend.

You are still people pleasing but remember who it is you need to be pleasing today. Hopefully that will take it away from you feeling bad.

Hope she is ok when you pick up. Perhaps you stay in the car and just get DD to knock?

NataliaOsipova · 27/08/2017 10:26

Just remember that she has asked, you've replied so if she questions further really it's her that's being rude.

Absolutely right. If you want an airy response, try "it's DD's birthday, you see, so everything is all booked". And leave it at that. She was pretty rude to ask....she'd be doubly rude to pester.

JacquesHammer · 27/08/2017 10:27

I don't think its necessarily cheeky to ask - I would hope any of my friends would ask me BUT its also 100% fine for you to say no.

I agree with the suggestion of saying "last time 3 was a difficult dynamic so not on this occasion"

Bettercallsaul1 · 27/08/2017 10:27

Good for you, OP - now stick to your guns when you go round! Don't get drawn into a discussion - just repeat that the outing was planned for your DD and close friend only. It's well known that three is a bad number for anything!

AnnieAnoniMouse · 27/08/2017 10:28

I'm a people pleaser too, but the older I get, the better I'm getting at saying no! 😊

Questioning you would be extremely rude, therefore feel free to be blunt. 'Your DD is 12, she's plenty old enough to be looking after YOU'. 'We had to many issues when yourDD was at our house & I'm not prepared to have it, so no, she can't come'.

Don't say 'not this time', 'not today' etc. Nothing that implies she might be welcome next time.

AlpacaLypse · 27/08/2017 10:28

Perfect reply OP! Well done!

Shadow666 · 27/08/2017 10:28

Great answer! If the mum does put pressure on you, just say there was a lot of fighting last time and you want your daughter to have a nice day. Stay strong!

Original poster
Wilburissomepig · 27/08/2017 10:30

Fuck fuck fuckity fuck.

She's just texted back 'Oh I thought you would help'.

I'm not replying, I'll just turn up to pick up her DD and run back to the car (like the coward I am). I feel shit though.

OP posts:
AnnieAnoniMouse · 27/08/2017 10:31

Jacques IF she was ill and IF the child was little, then yes, no problem to ask, but 12? Come on. How 'ill' do you need to be to ask someone to take your 12 year old out on a Birthday Day Out that's she's not been invited to? IMO you need to be in hospital, not just a bit off colour.

Whinesalot · 27/08/2017 10:31

I agree with the suggestion of saying "last time 3 was a difficult dynamic so not on this occasion"

Me too.