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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to take this child's sibling too?

336 replies

Wilburissomepig · 27/08/2017 09:57

Off for a day out today for DD's birthday and have invited her friend to come with us. She's an absolutely lovely kid and I'm more than happy to have her come along, she comes out with us quite a lot.

Have just had a text from her mum to ask if we can also take her sister with us too as she (mum) isn't feeling very well today and it would really help her out.

Normally, I would be happy to help but I really don't want to take her sister too. She used to come round 2/3 years ago when the girls were younger but I had to put a stop to it as she caused so much drama. She constantly argues with her sister, makes her cry, kicked the dog while he was asleep to get him to move out of her way Angry and was consistently unkind to my DD too. She's 12, very sullen and generally would make the day miserable for everyone.

She also, I very strongly believe, took some things from my house and money from my purse. I didn't tell her mum at the time (I know I should have) because she was going through a horrendous time at that point and didn't want to make things worse. I've since found out that she did the same at another friends house (who did tell mum so she is aware of the problem). After the dog and money incidents (on the same day) I just put a stop to her coming round by generally engineering it that way. (So I basically took the easy way out).

I feel like a bitch for not helping this woman out if she's not well but I really don't want to take this girl along too and I'm well aware that I sound like an utter cow for saying this about a 12 year old kid but it's really going to spoil the day for DD and her friend. I also don't know what to say to her mum.

OP posts:
andbabymakesthree · 27/08/2017 23:20

I'd send her a text now explaining exactly why you couldn't take other sibling. The stealing and dog kicking. How the siblings argue incessantly etc. Then finish by praising her miraculous recovery.

SparklyMagpie · 28/08/2017 01:33

Fantastic OP! Well done and so glad your DD and her friend had a lovely day!

Could you imagine if you caved in and dropped the girls off to see their mum and her friend in the garden drinking wine !?!

Greentulips i understand where you're coming from, but OP's daughter shouldn't have to have her birthday plans change, an like other PP's said, if that was the case of the friend struggling,why couldn't she have been honest?

I only have 2 year old DS so have all this to come but there will always be situations where my son won't be invited or the same if he has a brother or sister. Regardless, if OP gave in what message would that have sent her friends daughter?

It'd be lovely if everyone got invited to everything but in life it doesn't always work out that way

I'd feel awful if i was the OP's friend and if OP would have taken her,felt even worse knowing it's because i complained

The fact the daughter opened door ( an i have no doubt she'd have loved to have gone with you all) i'd be mortified knowing i either put my daughter up to it, or let me daughter talk about it like that. Tbh i'm pretty certain that was deliberate, i'd have gone to the door an if my daughter said something like that, i'd remind her that we wish her sister a lovely day with her friend and how she was very lucky to be going on a special birthday treat with her friend and wish them all a lovely day.

Well done OP! I'm a people pleaser but you handled it brilliantly

SparklyMagpie · 28/08/2017 01:33

Also,i hope you treated yourself to a well deserved cheeky vino too for sticking to your guns Smile

GreenTulips · 28/08/2017 08:51

I said - there may have been a good reason why she felt the need to ask - not that she should've asked.

Therefore not blame the mother for trying. She knows her daughter is wrong to steal and play up. She knows her daughter better than you do. She lives with it 24hrs a day.
If as you say it was a special treat, then the child may have been upset and crying and wanting to go (She is 12) The mother has been nagged and nagged to ask and in a split second sent a text to see if it's possible, probably knowing it won't be, just to show her the OP said no, same as mom had said no all along.

It's not OPs responsibility to entertain both children and yes her DD deserved a nice birthday treat and she had a great day.

The OP did nothing wrong, just sit on your hands and don't reply, don't feel angry she probably deserves a drink more than you realize.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 28/08/2017 09:14

Wilbur - am very pleased to see that you stood your ground, well done!
But (and I realise this is almost an irrelevance) could you please clear up whether the wannabe extra child is older or younger than your DD and her friend? Only because I like the detail and it would also colour my judgement slightly more on the CF mother's behaviour. Pleaseandthanks. :)

Blondeshavemorefun · 28/08/2017 16:54

think the sister is older at 12

well done for saying no

maybe, just maybe if it was a normal play date you may have said yes but it wasnt, it was dd birthday treat

well done for standing strong

Mivery · 28/08/2017 17:24

YANBU, she sounds like she's a handful, and you simply weren't prepared for that today. Obviously it would be great ti help her out, but not at the expense of your DDs birthday plans.

Groovee · 28/08/2017 17:34

Well done for standing strong. She most likely had a hangover 😂

NannyJones · 28/08/2017 17:41

Agree with green, my husband was (and his sister is) that child that can't make/keep friends and for him, it lasted until late teens.

Also agree with pp that She wasn't cheeky for asking but shouldn't have lied about being sick, shouldn't have tried to guilt trip u and 100% shouldn't have shot herself in the foot by having a perfect recovery complete with wine.

Those things make me think she's a twat, not the original asking for help with dd2

TickedOff · 28/08/2017 18:00

What a front some people have!

Well done on standing your ground, OP. This was your DD's day, not your day to babysit someone else's dd. Imagine if you had agreed and then heard she was having a 'cheeky vino' on your return!

The cheek of some people really does amaze me.

AyUpMiDuck · 28/08/2017 18:05

YANBU At 12 yrs old the girl doesn't need mum to be fully present. Plus she may have another parent who can step in. But her behaviour is not acceptable- How many more reasons do you need to say no?

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 28/08/2017 18:08

If her daughter has problems socialising surely the answer is for the mother to invite op's dd over/on a day out?

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 28/08/2017 18:13

Wilbur, believe it, you rock !
You sound like a really nice person, and you stood your ground, but you did the right thing.🍷

MadMags · 28/08/2017 18:14

Actually, she was cheeky for asking whether there are extenuating circumstances or not.

OP isn't a close friend, she has already stated that.

And if her dd needs help socialising then it is 100% her mother's responsibility to make that happen. Trying to encroach on another child's birthday day out is not taking responsibility.

Abbylee · 28/08/2017 18:16

12 is old enough to stay home and help a sick mom or just keep out of the way. Do not let her tag long. The sister is probably looking forward to a rest from sibling. This wouldnt be a question if sibling were a brother...she is a bad hat. My dd brought a girl home for about 30 minutes and she raided my medicine cabinet. Stay safe.

SunshineLollipopsRainbows25 · 28/08/2017 18:24

say there is not enough space in the car and say really sorry

sleeponeday · 28/08/2017 18:33

Green I sympathise, a lot, but the fact is the mum didn't send this in a split second after much nagging just to prove to the 12 yr old, because she then sent a follow up doubling down on the guilt trip. That's intentional.

Managing kids with additional needs of whatever sort (and this child's behaviour certainly sounds troubled) is bloody hard work. Their being unwelcome places is very upsetting. But this mother is enabling her child by lying to extract the invitation the child wants, from a friend of the sister's. And that could have been an opportunity to talk over with her about other people's needs; that it was a birthday, a special outing, and that she's a different age range. Of course this stuff is hard. It is so for all parents, and especially so with a child who has problems, or a disability affecting social functioning. But opting to behave as this mother has is just making it worse.

I do know what you mean about it taking a village etc except when it doesn't. But here this mother is letting her child down by this sort of behaviour, too.

Rhubarbginisnotasin · 28/08/2017 19:03

As the mum of a young man with profound special needs I have to admit to raising an eyebrow over the fact there is always someone who'll come in and say what if the person has special needs?

We really do need to be letting a brass neck situation be a brass neck situation without laying guilt trips on others.

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 28/08/2017 19:17

Good for you staying resolute! I wouldn't be able to resist commenting on her FB though. My, that Sanatogen Tonic Wine is miraculous stuff.

Haudyerwheesht · 28/08/2017 19:29

I would absolutely comment 'so glad you're feeling better - your dd must be a good nurse after all!'

She's been cheeky as anything so I would have zero qualms about it.

eddielizzard · 28/08/2017 19:37

see? you were right to say no. she wasn't that ill - couldn't have been - and she would have ruined your day. probably not returned the favour either!

LML83 · 28/08/2017 19:38

@Greentulips I understand your point about why a parent may be pestered into asking. But the follow up text of 'I thought you would help out ' is a guilt trip and shows in this case it was the mother who wanted the DD to go, not just to ask so she wasn't the bad guy.

cherish123 · 28/08/2017 20:04

Just say three kids is too much stress for you on a day out. I reckon she just wants a day to herself.

FrancisCrawford · 28/08/2017 20:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bruffin · 28/08/2017 20:31

Cherish
Read the thread or at least ops posts this happened yesterday, Op said no.

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