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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say 'no' to a date because of this?

250 replies

BossyBitch · 25/08/2017 23:20

I'm totally prepared to be told IABU, but please read the backstory before deciding - I'll try to keep it reasonably short:

I've recently met a man and he's asked me on a date. It's definitely not love at first sight by any means, but he's nice enough and we have some interests in common. Under different circumstances, I might consider accepting and seeing how it goes, but he's unemployed and, even if he weren't, would be looking at a salary of about a third of my own. And this is kind of a deal-breaker for me.

I'm divorced, and exH has always made a lot less than me. This led to me losing almost half of what I owned and of my pension in the divorce. He also used to be insanely jealous of my professional situation - both in the sense that he envied me for being the main breadwinner and in that he actually seemed to feel personally threatened by my career, which is admittedly important to me.

Being asked out by this guy has brought this all back. I really don't want another man who feels he has to be extra macho because his partner out-earns him. I also don't want to spend another few years paying for everything and then being given the silent-treatment because I've somehow insulted his manhood by doing so.

Then again, there's no reason to assume that other men would act like this just because my exH does - and I do feel like a horrible snob for turning someone down due to this.

So, AIBU to say no to a date because he doesn't have a job and - even if he did - comes nowhere close to my own earning potential?

OP posts:
Mumandteacher123 · 27/08/2017 19:34

I wonder if it would be considered unreasonable if the situation were reversed (ie a man asking if he should date an unemployed woman)? My husband earns less than me partly because he is younger and it really isn't an issue. Both previous husbands earned more than me and they are exes for very good reasons!

Trills · 27/08/2017 19:39

A manic pixie dream girl is a female character who is free-spirited and quirky and cute and exists only to free the male protagonist from his mundane weighed-down life. By shagging him, usually.

She would probably be incredibly tiring to spend time with in real life, with her refusal to make plans or live by the rules or be practical in any way.

More info here

LineysRun · 27/08/2017 19:49

BE PICKY

Ttbb · 27/08/2017 19:52

Not st all. I would actually say that he's being a bit unreasonable asking someone out if he's unemployed. He's not really got his life sorted out and it's not fair to drag someone else into it. I can't relieve that anyone would think you were unreasonable.

Trills · 27/08/2017 19:55

If a man only wants someone who seems to need him, then he's not right for me.

If he thinks I'm intimidating, he's not right for me.

You don't need to be considered "the best pick" - there's no such thing and if there were it would be quite boring.

I'd rather be single than be in a wrong relationship.

(it is of course easier for me to say that from a position of having a well-paid job, good health, and no interest in having children than it would be if any of those things were not the case - I recognise that I am lucky in that respect)

OlennasWimple · 27/08/2017 19:56

If everything seemed wonderful apart from this, I would suggest going out for a date and seeing how things went.

But you don't seem to be very keen at all, so why waste everyone's time by pretending that there might be some milage in the relationship when there isn't?

HoneyBeeMum1 · 27/08/2017 20:10

Ouch!

I have just pinched myself Maireadplastic and I can confirm that I am indeed real...

WoofWoofMooWoof · 27/08/2017 20:15

Trouble is, I've found that many (even supposedly modern) men have a hard time dealing with a woman doing better professionally than they do.

That's it, right there. My late husband worked his arse off, but still earned less than half of what I did. It really bothered him, as 'THE MAN' is supposed to be able to take care of/support the woman. Most men (cocklodgers excluded) still think this way. It seriously damages most men's egos to earn less than a 'mere' woman.

Unless it's heartstopping, weak in the knees, love at first sight, wouldn't want to live without you love, then no - dating an unemployed man (or worse yet - still living with mommy and daddy in his 30s/40s), or a man on wages much lower than mine would be a definite no-no.

OverTheHammer · 27/08/2017 20:16

I wouldn't date an unemployed man. No way would I be carrying some lazy twat through life.

manicmij · 27/08/2017 20:22

YANBU. But, why not have one date, you may find other attributes appealing. Does date know you outearn him so much? He may well not like the idea himself if it is news to him. You place a lot on being with an equal earner so doubt if you will go out with an unprejudiced view.

JuicyStrawberry · 27/08/2017 20:31

I would go on a date with a man who is unemployed or isn't earning much.

expatinscotland · 27/08/2017 20:50

But, why not have one date, you may find other attributes appealing.

Because she doesn't want to! She doesn't want to date an unemployed person. It's a dealbreaker to her.

stardust18 · 27/08/2017 20:52

Its totally your choice, if you hasn't that bothered to begin with why bother anyway.
If you fancied the pants off him then I'd say give it a try.
I turned down a date because I'd seen this guy in a pub a few times sat with his legs crossed over in a very feminine way, silly I know but wasn't for me. Still makes me cringe a little now years later

Trills · 27/08/2017 20:55

Thank you expat.

She doesn't want to

Can we just keep repeating this?

user1489675144 · 27/08/2017 21:00

It is up to you who you want to date... however, you sound so pompous and self important..

give up what could be a lovely relationship due to earning less/potentially earning less - oh dear - keep waiting for Mr earning enough to come along

He has had a lucky escape

Aeroflotgirl · 27/08/2017 21:04

user it's not going to be happy, if she has to pay for everything and support him, because tbh, he sounds like a cocklodger and there could be trouble. I would rather be single, than have somebody wrong for me.

expatinscotland · 27/08/2017 21:05

'however, you sound so pompous and self important..

give up what could be a lovely relationship due to earning less/potentially earning less - oh dear - keep waiting for Mr earning enough to come along

He has had a lucky escape'

Yeah, having standards is really pompous and self-important! Imagine your sparkling relationship with some unemployed bloke who thinks he's too good for work. What a loss, OP! Hmm

Some people have bars so low a flea could limbo under them.

strawberrisc · 27/08/2017 21:11

I had a long-term partner with a certain set of circumstances and if I was the kind to ever want to date again (I'm not) I'd feel a complete fool to go for the same set of circumstances. As for people saying just date him - if feelings do then develop and a few months down the line he still has no intention of finding a job you may feel compelled to help him financially. Back to square one.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 27/08/2017 21:13

Bossy I have pm'd you.

InvisibleKittenAttack · 27/08/2017 21:24

It does make me sad OP how many woman feel they need a good solid, outsider acceptable reason to turn down a date. "I don't want to" "this isn't what I'm looking for" these are fine answers!

It's sad how many woman on this thread seem to think she owes him a chance to prove he could be worth dating. Why? This isn't some crappy movie where the hapless man wins over the woman who's out of his league. This is the OP's life, she can spend it with who she wants or indeed spend it with noone.

InvisibleKittenAttack · 27/08/2017 21:34

Oh, and agree with expat - there does seem to be a thing on here that if any woman dares suggesting that a man she's dating isn't actually good enough for someone she wants to spend her life with, then she's told she's stuck up, or he'll go find someone 'better' (read 'someone with lower standards').

It's like there are some woman who've lumbered themselves with shitty men who are either ugly, or lazy, or a bit dim, or have poor hygine, or whatever else the OP doesn't like, and are shocked that deciding "If this is the best I can get, I'd rather be single" is a valid option. Different people find different things attractive.

(I'm reminded of a thread a while ago when the OP was considering dumping a man because he wasn't very bright, something that came to a head when he didn't know that Berlin was in Germany. He was apparently gorgeous and made a decent wage, but just wasn't the sharpest tool in the box. So many posters waded in and basically told the OP she wasn't allowed to decide that a man must have a decent level of intelligence and interest in the world in order to date her. She should be grateful he wanted her at all. I didn't think that she was setting too high a standard, I couldn't imagine living with someone who couldn't play along with University Challenge and Only Connect....)

embod · 27/08/2017 21:54

Had a similar situation with my exH...he struggled with the fact I earned more and ultimately (along with other issues) ended our relationship. It ate away at our marriage for 17 yrs. As a result I wouldn't date someone who wasn't on the same financial par as me. It might seem shallow but works for me.

Blu99 · 27/08/2017 21:59

I think the answer to this is, join the dating world. Not with the unemployed guy, he doesn't sound very appealing lol. Go out for drinks with friends in a wine bar or join a dating app. Have some fun and let loose.

You're clearly an Alpha female and unfortunately this doesn't sit well with most Alpha males. Don't knock yourself for being successful though! Be picky and find the right guy.

Find someone who can/will offer to pay the bill even if you end up going Dutch.

Xocaraic · 27/08/2017 22:03

I read from this that your gut is telling you no and you just want confirmation of your instinct.
Say no.
If it doesn't feel right, it's not right.

psychomath · 27/08/2017 22:45

From your OP alone I was thinking you were being irrational and perhaps a little unfair - no reason why he should be like your ex just because he doesn't have a job, depends on the reason he's unemployed etc. However, YWstillNBU as choosing who you want to date isn't about rationality, and there's no obligation to date someone just to be 'fair'. And from your updates it sounds like you absolutely made the right decision and had good reasons to do so.

FWIW I was in a similar position a few years back - out of work for about six months and chronically underemployed for another 7ish. In my case it was more to do with chronic MH problems than with being lazy or a diva, but even so I was absolutely not in a position to be a good partner to anyone at the time. I wouldn't advise anyone to date former me (or current me actually, but that's a whole 'nother story Grin)