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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say 'no' to a date because of this?

250 replies

BossyBitch · 25/08/2017 23:20

I'm totally prepared to be told IABU, but please read the backstory before deciding - I'll try to keep it reasonably short:

I've recently met a man and he's asked me on a date. It's definitely not love at first sight by any means, but he's nice enough and we have some interests in common. Under different circumstances, I might consider accepting and seeing how it goes, but he's unemployed and, even if he weren't, would be looking at a salary of about a third of my own. And this is kind of a deal-breaker for me.

I'm divorced, and exH has always made a lot less than me. This led to me losing almost half of what I owned and of my pension in the divorce. He also used to be insanely jealous of my professional situation - both in the sense that he envied me for being the main breadwinner and in that he actually seemed to feel personally threatened by my career, which is admittedly important to me.

Being asked out by this guy has brought this all back. I really don't want another man who feels he has to be extra macho because his partner out-earns him. I also don't want to spend another few years paying for everything and then being given the silent-treatment because I've somehow insulted his manhood by doing so.

Then again, there's no reason to assume that other men would act like this just because my exH does - and I do feel like a horrible snob for turning someone down due to this.

So, AIBU to say no to a date because he doesn't have a job and - even if he did - comes nowhere close to my own earning potential?

OP posts:
PaganGoddessBrigid · 27/08/2017 16:04

Sorry, wrong thread/

grandOlejukeofYork · 27/08/2017 16:12

You cannot judge a man on his salary/job status

Of course you can. You can judge someone by the work they do, by how hard they work, how much effort they put in to getting work.

The idea that we don't all judge people all the time for everything is just ludicrous. It's just that some of us are a bit more honest about it, and self aware.

OP you can judge any potentional date for anything you like. You can use any criteria you want to pick who you want to date.

Trills · 27/08/2017 17:08

No need to reply to they "why".

If you must, no need to say anything more than "because I don't want to".

grandOlejuke I agree compleytely - we are constantly judging other people on everything that they say and do. It's silly to pretend otherwise.

HelenaDove · 27/08/2017 17:15

streetface im 44 and a full time carer for my 67 yr old DH who has emphysema. When hes not around anymore i will have to "start over"

But its up to the OP who she dates.

silverbell64 · 27/08/2017 17:21

A man without a job would also be a no from me too.

Italiangreyhound · 27/08/2017 17:26

Brigid lucky escape!

OP is he now hoping to talk you onto it or devalue your reasons? Lucky escape for you too.

guiltybystander · 27/08/2017 17:30

It's not the salary bit. It's the you-don't-fancy-him bit. Why, why, why would you date someone you don't even fancy? Are you that desperate?

And he is unemployed. Just NO.

BadLad · 27/08/2017 17:32

A man without a job would also be a no from me too.

A woman without one would be a no from me.

Frokni · 27/08/2017 17:32

I feel as though you have made the decision but are checking it over. You have been hurt in the past and this situation looks similar in many ways to you. YaNBU you must make a decision that's right for you.

Rabblemum · 27/08/2017 17:33

My son has anxiety and I ended up having to leave my job to look after him, so I don't have a job in the money making sense. I'm still trying my own business and looking to improve my lot. Don't think that everyone without a paying job is the same, maybe see how he copes and behaves without a job, and you can't find that out without spending some time with this man.

silverbell64 · 27/08/2017 17:40

I work and expect a potential to do the same.

expatinscotland · 27/08/2017 17:43

'Don't think that everyone without a paying job is the same, maybe see how he copes and behaves without a job, and you can't find that out without spending some time with this man.'

She doesn't have to if she doesn't want to. No one is beholden to spend time with another person if they don't want to, for whatever reason. She doesn't want an experiment, to 'see how he copes', his being unemployed is a dealbreaker for her. People are allowed to have dealbreakers no matter what they are.

grandOlejukeofYork · 27/08/2017 17:45

A woman without one would be a no from me

And that is also completely fine.

clarkl2 · 27/08/2017 17:49

Not at all. I think you are justified to want to be with something who has a job and a good salary, especially if you enjoy socialising etc

Lovemusic33 · 27/08/2017 17:53

I don't date people that are unemployed, their salary doesn't bother me though as long as the live within their means and are not in debt. A jobs a job, they might chose to have a lower payed job as it's less responsibility or it's a job they enjoy?

ohherewegoagain · 27/08/2017 17:56

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. I don't see how any one expects to date/court/have fun with someone they're interested in without having a job/money.

JetBoyJetGirl · 27/08/2017 17:57

YANBU.

You can turn down a date with someone for any reason you like.

Even for things as 'trivial' as you don't like their shoes! Or you don't think they're good looking enough. Or they pronounce their THs and V and F.

For any reason at all.

And I'd say not fancying him is a pretty good reason for not dating him...

Lovemusic33 · 27/08/2017 18:00

I think if you don't fancy him on a first date then you probably won't change your mind after 2 or 3 dates. Best to knock it on the head.

user1497435493 · 27/08/2017 18:03

@BadLad

A woman without a job would be a no from me.

Totally irrelevant, as it's about a woman dating a MAN with no job, but thanks for that little nugget of information!

InvisibleKittenAttack · 27/08/2017 18:03

OP - you are under no obligation to date someone just because they like you and you have no 'good' reason to turn them down.

Given what you said, you can't be happy without feeling a man is your equal. That's ok if that's what you need to make a relationshp work. what's the point dating someone when you are expecting it to be hard work?

AcrossthePond55 · 27/08/2017 18:05

'Date'? Sure, why not if I thought I'd have fun. It's just 'dating' which to me implies no commitment of any kind and as long as he paid his own way and didn't expect me to foot the bill 100% of the time, I'd probably go out with him. And you don't have to sleep with someone to 'date' them, at least you didn't when I was single.

But 'become exclusive'? Not if I felt the man was a prima donna about accepting a job or if he was just lazy. There's no future in that type of man (or woman). I'd want to keep my options open and have the freedom of accepting dates with other men.

Whatever happened to 'playing the field'? I guess I'm old (well I know I am) but my friends and I didn't become 'exclusive' after the first, second, or even the third date. We 'dated around' until the man proved that he was up to our (reasonable) standards before we agreed to 'go steady'. And we didn't sleep with them all whilst we were deciding. Not that there's anything wrong with that if you want to, it just wasn't our bag.

DH earned less than me for most of our careers, but he had a strong work ethic and wasn't afraid of work or concerned with the 'status' of a job. Nor was he a cocklodger who expected me to foot the bill because I earned more. He always paid his share.

pollymere · 27/08/2017 18:05

Maybe the warning bells are sounding? Are you going for the same type of man again? If so you need to turn it down. If you think he's different from your ex and it will make you happy then go for it and enjoy it. I think you're worrying too much about three years time when you haven't had a date yet!

RidingRossPoldark · 27/08/2017 18:12

Don't know why but I'm humming, I don't want no scrub, scrub is a guy that can't get no love from me...all of a sudden.

Anatidae · 27/08/2017 18:12

Hmmm, interesting one.

I think it would depend on a few things:

  1. Relative income levels. Are we talking him earning an ok wage and you being a super high earner? Or are we talking you earning an ok wage and him earning an amount that is going to leave you paying for the basics (household expenses) ? Because there's a big difference imho. If you can both contribute halfish of the running costs of the family and you earn a wedge on top that's much easier than if one partner is unable to contribute (either financially or via childcare.)
  1. Why he's unemployed - has held down decent jobs and the firm is restructuring is very different to fired from multiple jobs. A huge number of theprofessionals I know have at one point or another had a contract ended - it's more why and what the prospects are that are the issue.

If he's a diva and you don't fancy him then don't date him.

Being single is much better than having a shit pool of men to date from.

Angelreid14 · 27/08/2017 18:13

YANBU it's called standards and a man should at least be able to look after himself before dating.