To say 'no' to a date because of this?

[BossyBitch]

I'm totally prepared to be told IABU, but please read the backstory before deciding - I'll try to keep it reasonably short:

I've recently met a man and he's asked me on a date. It's definitely not love at first sight by any means, but he's nice enough and we have some interests in common. Under different circumstances, I might consider accepting and seeing how it goes, but he's unemployed and, even if he weren't, would be looking at a salary of about a third of my own. And this is kind of a deal-breaker for me.

I'm divorced, and exH has always made a lot less than me. This led to me losing almost half of what I owned and of my pension in the divorce. He also used to be insanely jealous of my professional situation - both in the sense that he envied me for being the main breadwinner and in that he actually seemed to feel personally threatened by my career, which is admittedly important to me.

Being asked out by this guy has brought this all back. I really don't want another man who feels he has to be extra macho because his partner out-earns him. I also don't want to spend another few years paying for everything and then being given the silent-treatment because I've somehow insulted his manhood by doing so.

Then again, there's no reason to assume that other men would act like this just because my exH does - and I do feel like a horrible snob for turning someone down due to this.

So, AIBU to say no to a date because he doesn't have a job and - even if he did - comes nowhere close to my own earning potential?

[PollytheDolly]

Why don't you just enjoy his company and companionship then?

[butterfly56]

YANBU OP!
Been there, done that, would never do it again for very similar reasons as in your Post.

[BossyBitch]

I think we'd do great as friends, actually, and I'm sure I'd enjoy seeing him socially every now and then. It's clearly not what he has in mind, though. He told the friend who introduced us (at a party, not match-making) he really fancied me.

[schoolgaterebel]

YANBU

I wouldn't date anyone who was unemployed.

[cherryontopp]

YANBU..i could not date someone who doesn't work without a very good reason.

Has he a reason for this?

[PaganGoddessBrigid]

Date him but don't marry him.

Actually, you don't have to date anybody at all. So no you are not being unreasonable. It's ok to be single. YOu never have to explain why you don't want to date somebody (so long as you don't mess with them)

[chips4teaplease]

The reason doesn't matter. If you don't want to go on a date with him, don't.

[HeddaGarbled]

You never have to go on a date with anyone if you don't want to. You don't have to justify your decision to him and you don't have to justify your decision to us.

You are lukewarm about this guy regardless of his employment situation. Don't go on dates with men who are "nice enough and we have some interests in common" just because they ask you.

[Pleasefindmyreallife]

History definitely has a way of repeating in relationships.

How have you as a high earner meet two unemployed blokes that have wanted a relationships? I actually don't know anyone male who is unemployed - although I know a few in low paid jobs and I don't earn much.
How are you meeting them?

[redsquirrel2]

Tell him straight up you just want to be friends. Be honest from the start. You don't have to say why. Then you can be friends and it doesn't have to get complicated. YANBU

[ByGum]

You can say for any reason at all.
You don't have to date anyone because you don't think the reason you want to say no is good enough.

It's totally reasonable to not go on a date with someone you don't want to, the reason doesn't matter.

[BossyBitch]

How have you as a high earner meet two unemployed blokes that have wanted a relationships?

Simple: I met exH at uni - he has the exact same first degree as me, so would have had the exact same earning potential as a graduate. Only he insisted on only taking management jobs (not on offer if you're two days out of uni), whereas I was happy enough to slave away as an analyst for a couple of years. He cleaned up his act when he married wife #2 after whining at me for years. Still pisses me off, actually!

This guy I met at a friend's housewarming party.

I guess I should start dating within the firm after all ...

[mmmmnuts]

What's the point of even dating someone you're not attracted to anyway. That's never gonna lead anywhere good.

[dollydaydream114]

Why don't you just enjoy his company and companionship then?

Because she's looking for a boyfriend and not a mate, perhaps? People can get company and companionship from their friends and family; dating usually means you're looking for more than that.

In answer to the OP, the money thing wouldn't bother me at all, but we're all different and if you think the dynamic just won't work for you then of course YANBU to turn him down. Nobody should ever feel guilty about not wanting to date someone; it's entirely your prerogative.

I turned down a date with someone once on the sole grounds that he firmly believed in horoscopes. I just instantly knew that we would be fundamentally incompatible. My decision turned out to be wholly correct, too.

[ArcheryAnnie]

You don't need any reason to say no to a date, or to justify any reason you do have. YANBU.

[acapellagirl]

YANBU you've got the right to say no as others have said

[notangelinajolie]

YABVVU

You cannot judge a man on his salary/job status.
He is not your ex.
You sound like you believe that anyone one who earns less that you is inferior.
He might actually be a nice man.
You should not go on a date because your attitude stinks.

[Justaboy]

You know if i were this man I'd prefer not to go out with you anyway with your attitudes thanks!

Do a decent thing call it off and leave him alone.

[Somerford]

You don't owe anyone a date and you don't have to explain yourself. It is pretty clear from your OP that there isn't really a spark there anyway so you wouldn't be doing him any favours to let him think that you're interested in him romantically if you're really only there because you felt guilty.

[ReanimatedSGB]

YANBU. You've had one cocklodger, you don't need another. Yes, sure, there are plenty of good reasons why a person might be jobless (including not wanting to do low-paid shitwork when they don't need to - 'employment' is not a big deal) but people who think they are so special that they will only take the perfect job and meanwhile expect everyone else to fund them are not worth bothering with.

[Shootfirstaskquestionslater]

After my past experience I now refuse to date someone who doesn't work because unless they are ill then there is no reason for them not to work so YANBU. I have a job and worked extremely hard up until I got ill.

[MrsTerryPratchett]

I don't understand why you're contemplating it. You don't fancy him, he's not your type AND he's unemployed.

DH was unemployed when I met him but he was insanely gorgeous and I fancied him. Turned out to be hard-working and is well employed now but I wouldn't have bothered if I didn't want to do bad things to him.

[scoobydoo1971]

My financial situation was good from a young age due to professional reasons but also with capital security coming from property-developing, so when I married by DH he signed a prenuptial agreement as he had limited funds (but he was a worker, and I knew he would shine one day...he has). I dumped a live-in boyfriend once because he couldn't hold a job down and I wasn't up for being a sole-earner (in the pre-kids years). I also dated a shameless moocher once who I discovered had looted his way through a string of professional ladies bank accounts...so I ran away from him.

If you have a professional job and high income you have got to be careful of gold-diggers. I have had battles with a few of them during my marriage - chancers hoping to break us up and get a comfortable way of life towards their retirement. Lots of entitled people in the world looking for a sponsor. I think you have to learn by your loss in your previous marriage and protect yourself. This is not just about being used for money, but you want an independent man who can pay his way as a matter of self-respect. He could get a job in a supermarket or McDonalds tomorrow, any job is better than none. How can you go on holiday or nights out with someone on a low income? Money isn't everything but it would stir resentment for many people if they cannot be equals. You would be forever wondering about his motivations towards you, given your past.

[Peanutbuttercheese]

I out earned my ex and he was a massive weirdo about it. I earned a very similar amount to DH when we got together.

He told his friends he fancied you, that reminds me of school.

[LondonLassInTheCountry]

All these people on here saying tbat thry wouldnt date a man that doesnt work?

Why?

Because he cant buy you presents?
Take you out for dinner?

Just because a man hasnt got a job, doesnt make him undateable.

People are so god damn judgemental