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AIBU?

To say 'no' to a date because of this?

250 replies

BossyBitch · 25/08/2017 23:20

I'm totally prepared to be told IABU, but please read the backstory before deciding - I'll try to keep it reasonably short:

I've recently met a man and he's asked me on a date. It's definitely not love at first sight by any means, but he's nice enough and we have some interests in common. Under different circumstances, I might consider accepting and seeing how it goes, but he's unemployed and, even if he weren't, would be looking at a salary of about a third of my own. And this is kind of a deal-breaker for me.

I'm divorced, and exH has always made a lot less than me. This led to me losing almost half of what I owned and of my pension in the divorce. He also used to be insanely jealous of my professional situation - both in the sense that he envied me for being the main breadwinner and in that he actually seemed to feel personally threatened by my career, which is admittedly important to me.

Being asked out by this guy has brought this all back. I really don't want another man who feels he has to be extra macho because his partner out-earns him. I also don't want to spend another few years paying for everything and then being given the silent-treatment because I've somehow insulted his manhood by doing so.

Then again, there's no reason to assume that other men would act like this just because my exH does - and I do feel like a horrible snob for turning someone down due to this.

So, AIBU to say no to a date because he doesn't have a job and - even if he did - comes nowhere close to my own earning potential?

OP posts:

Report

thisismadness77 · 26/08/2017 13:27

I wouldn't date him.

JustAboutHangingInThere · 26/08/2017 13:43

YANBU. Pursue the friendship route if its worth the effort.

expatinscotland · 26/08/2017 13:49

Of course YANBU. Why feel the need to ask? You owe this person nothing and you don't have to date anyone if you don't want to for whatever reason. Not wanting to go out with a particular individual doesn't mean you are not ready to date in general. You don't owe an explanation, either. Just text back a no. Job done. Reading responses here, I can see why so many women wind up in the relationship board with shit relationships. You don't want to date him. So don't.

Acromantula · 26/08/2017 20:46

When I was growing up, a very close friend of my Mum's had a girlfriend living with him: she didn't pay anything on the mortgage but she helped decorate. He asked her to marry him, she said no. He asked her to have a baby with him, she said no. Eventually she left him for someone she did marry and have a baby with him. However when the friend decided to get married, his ex turned nasty and demanded half of his house. They settled out of court but she got £15k, 1/6th of the value of the house.

This frightened the life out of me as a child! That someone could do nothing, contribute nothing, refuse to marry someone, yet walk away with a vast some of money. It has left me still with that scar today.

I have quite a low income but I bought my house in 1990s and there is now a huge amount of equity. I wouldn't date anyone with less money than me in case I ended up losing part of my house too.

imjessie · 26/08/2017 21:13

I wouldn't date him either , I'll be honest and say I wouldn't find a man attractive if he didn't have aspirations . Why doesn't he have a job ? Someone who leaves one job before getting another one seems a bit flaky .

LucyLugosi · 26/08/2017 21:29

You never need a reason other than 'I don't want to' not to date someone

Pigface1 · 26/08/2017 21:37

Of course YANBU. Personally I would feel the same way as you about his employment status, because frankly he sounds lazy ('picky' is code for 'lazy' I reckon). But your reason isn't important. The fact that you don't want to go on the date is the only reason they need.

Pigface1 · 26/08/2017 21:37

Sorry - the only reason YOU need.

highinthesky · 26/08/2017 21:44

YANBU. Unless you're prepared to subsidise him, leave it well alone.

The particular issue I would have here is whether your minds match if your occupations (when he is employed) pay so differently. Will he ever be enough for you?

user1497997754 · 26/08/2017 21:45

My time would be far to important to go on a date with someone I didn't feel was right for me....far better to snuggle up on sofa with bottle of wine, pj's, chocolate and good film

WhereYouLeftIt · 26/08/2017 21:54

"Being asked out by this guy has brought this all back."
So it's not just that he's unemployed, but all the baggage around it. You are aware that he has an attitude towards jobs that you've already experienced, it was shit, you're not up for a second dose of shit.

YANBU. No way, no how, are you being unreasonable here.

And you don't even fancy him physically - he's not your type.

So for me, the real question is - why do you "feel like a horrible snob for turning someone down due to this" ? Why do you feel that just because a man asked you out, you have to have a reason to turn him down, rather than a reason to accept?

Snowme · 26/08/2017 22:16

My current partner started dating me when I was a single mum with two kids under 5, unemployed, on benefits, couldn't drive, with a DV ex still causing me grief.

Things change, and I'd get your dates full story before consigning him as just unemployed. He might have just quit his multi million business to take a sabbatical. He might not be revealing everything yet in case he thinks he's darn a woman who's only interested in his financial situation and not his personality and ethics...

happymum73 · 26/08/2017 22:18

I wouldn't go

Carouselfish · 26/08/2017 22:31

Nice enough and some interests in common is more a reason to not bother.
If he was sexy as heck and understood you really well and you just clicked for example, then financials and other more practical considerations wouldn't matter so much.
As it is, you seem quite cold blooded and meh about it anyway so don't feel guilty for turning it down. Not being critical as I sound saying cold-blooded as am there myself. Been on one date with someone who is OKAY and thinking for not bothering again for a reason that is incredibly shallow and which wouldn't matter at all if he was more than an OKAY fit.

BadLad · 26/08/2017 22:32

He might have just quit his multi million business to take a sabbatical

Yeah, or he might have the winning lottery ticket in his wallet, or have discovered buried gold in his back garden. Could be any number of highly likely possibilities.

Except that the OP says:

"I actually do know why he's unemployed".

expatinscotland · 26/08/2017 22:35

And you know, maybe she doesn't want to date someone unemployed even if he/she is independently wealthy. Maybe she feels it wouldn't be compatible with her lifestyle.

sonjadog · 26/08/2017 22:48

YANBU.

Never date anyone you have a talk yourself into dating.

Italiangreyhound · 26/08/2017 23:56

sonjadog that is truely excellent advice....

"Never date anyone you have a talk yourself into dating."

streetface · 27/08/2017 05:50

I don't think it's unreasonable to refuse a date for that reason. By my age (40) I fully expect anyone I'm dating to have progressed through life and have a profession and a job. If they're starting at entry level by now then we wouldn't be remotely on the same page in terms of where we are or attitudes. It doesn't mean you want anything from them but equally, you don't want someone relying on you. If you are self sufficient then it makes for an equal partnership if they are too. YANBU. At all.

Justaboy · 27/08/2017 13:17

Except that the OP says:

"I actually do know why he's unemployed".

Well perhaps the OP might like to tell us then?.

BossyBitch · 27/08/2017 14:21

No, I'm really not about to share why he's unemployed. His background is a bit niche, so this might be very outing for him.

As for people who've asked about independently wealthy men. I've never met one (unless 'used to be a partner and could afford to retire at 50' counts, but then a 50-year-old would be a bit too old for me to be interested). I'm not sure I'd like it, TBH. My career is quite important to me, and I suspect I'd have a hard time with any partner who doesn't get and accept that. Or at least accept.

I'd have absolutely no problem with a man earning less than me in general. In fact, I insist on paying for my own dinners, holidays, etc. Trouble is, I've found that many (even supposedly modern) men have a hard time dealing with a woman doing better professionally than they do. It's stupid and backward but in my experience quite wide-spread. And of course it's endless potential for tension.

Anyway, so I did the right thing and said to the guy that I'm not really interested in a date. He's now asking why ... which would be a good reason to say no in itself as far as I'm concerned. Dating really shouldn't be a default 'yes' unless there's a good reason not to, IMO.

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 27/08/2017 15:05

' He's now asking why ... which would be a good reason to say no in itself as far as I'm concerned. '

I'd block. 'I'm not interested in a date' should be enough.

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AlternativeTentacle · 27/08/2017 15:24

He's now asking why

'If someone doesn't want to see you again, the respectful thing is to say 'ok no problem'. Questioning their decision is disrespectful, and just reinforces the potential 'gut feeling' that I may or may not have had when first meeting you. People that question why someone doesn't want to see them again, often get angsty and may text insults to the person who doesn't want to see them again, again further evidence that the correct decision was made. My advice would be to just accept things like this and move on. It isn't the end of the world, it just didn't work out. No need for an autopsy.'

PaganGoddessBrigid · 27/08/2017 16:00

I would just tell him. ''you are not pro-choice which lets me know we're not on the same page''.

I have been in that situation of wondering Whyyyyyyyy and tbh if it's because you're too fat or not funny enough or not intelligent enough or your ears stick out then it's not kind to say but at the beginning of this year I rejected a man and I told him straight out it was because he believed in the myth of the happy hooker. He started trying to convince me again that some prostitutes choose that blah blah blah so I said 'see?' and left it there.

PaganGoddessBrigid · 27/08/2017 16:01

I like to think people learn and grow as they mill through relationships but maybe that's just me!

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