To say 'no' to a date because of this?

[BossyBitch]

I'm totally prepared to be told IABU, but please read the backstory before deciding - I'll try to keep it reasonably short:

I've recently met a man and he's asked me on a date. It's definitely not love at first sight by any means, but he's nice enough and we have some interests in common. Under different circumstances, I might consider accepting and seeing how it goes, but he's unemployed and, even if he weren't, would be looking at a salary of about a third of my own. And this is kind of a deal-breaker for me.

I'm divorced, and exH has always made a lot less than me. This led to me losing almost half of what I owned and of my pension in the divorce. He also used to be insanely jealous of my professional situation - both in the sense that he envied me for being the main breadwinner and in that he actually seemed to feel personally threatened by my career, which is admittedly important to me.

Being asked out by this guy has brought this all back. I really don't want another man who feels he has to be extra macho because his partner out-earns him. I also don't want to spend another few years paying for everything and then being given the silent-treatment because I've somehow insulted his manhood by doing so.

Then again, there's no reason to assume that other men would act like this just because my exH does - and I do feel like a horrible snob for turning someone down due to this.

So, AIBU to say no to a date because he doesn't have a job and - even if he did - comes nowhere close to my own earning potential?

[cherish123]

If you don't feel comfortable - do not date him.

[Abbylee]

Dear OP, say "no" bc there is no chemistry. If there is chemistry, the money stuff isn't the first thing that you think about. When i met dh, i was sworn off dating, left a function bc he was there and sparks were flying And i said i didn't want another relationship. 30 years ago. If the FIRST part isn't easy, what follows will be awful. Not all men are going to torture you, but the right one will make you think about things other than awfulness and breaking up.

[simiisme]

When I met my husband, he earned less than half my salary. It was never an issue. He still earns a little less than me.
We've been together 20 years, married for 17 and have two kids. He's never felt the need to 'macho up' to compensate.
He's a great husband and father.
However, if money is so important to you, don't subject the guy to the false hope that he might have a chance of a relationship with you.

[Abbylee]

Bossy, I am going to tell you what I tell DH: "leave your work personality at work. I married a kind, loving, funny, strong man....it is okay to show those qualities outside of work, but I didn't marry the work persona and I don't particularly care for him". You don't have to be Alpha outside of work...unless you want to but isn't it Tiring? I'm not suggesting subjugation but if there is a softer side, explore It? (I'm a happy Beta mostly, so please don't yell, I just want everyone to be happy and he could never be successful if he acted at work as he does at home. You need to be strong in the world, but at home, with someone you trust....)

I'm not positive that the "living at home" part is completely a dating no-no. My uncle supported my grandparents and married late he was a wonderful husband and my own dh lived with his until finishing university; he is also nurturing (after I remind him he's not at work). Our ds doesn't like living out for several reasons but is employed and a student: it's more convenient. They are not all undesirable who don't leave the nest early: sometimes they stay for the same reasons that they make good partners, they enjoy familylife.

NEVER feel obligated to date anyone! I was badgered into a few dates and they varied from horrible to dangerous!! Nobody should pity-date or guilt-date. How awful to suggest that. how can dating someone that you are not attracted to be good? For either party. I tell my dc "trust your instincts and no second guessing. Often first impressions are correct, before we let politeness or others' input cloud our personal interpretation of what is right for us."

[BadLad]

I wonder if it would be considered unreasonable if the situation were reversed (ie a man asking if he should date an unemployed woman)?

I don't think it would be considered unreasonable, but I think men are more likely than women to overlook unemployment or poor prospects in partners. Part of that, I suppose, is the pay gap and that more women take career hits to look after children.

It's not for me, though.

[fatchilli123]

Socks is what puts me off. I hate certain socks even if they are on nice guys. You will know when you find someone you want to date and it aint him or you would not have had to ask. Your head is already saying nooooo.

[Anatidae]

You dontvowe anyone a date. Women are not prizes for men, to be doled out for existing. If there's any reason you don't want to, then don't.

I was single for a few years in my early thirties. I got dragged speed dating and colleagues would try to set me up with awful men. Truly truly awful, not 'nice but not my type.' In the end I had to put my foot down and tell them that I was totally fine being single. I remember once going to the pub and being sat next to some hideous bloke who proceeded to drink eight pints and ask me if I'd like to 'sit on it to make him happy.' Just foul.

And these colleagues were always 'oh but he's lonely and you're single so we thought we'd bring him along why don't you go for dinner with him?' As though I was just there as a thing to cheer their hideously vile mates up.

You owe no one a date. Any bloke who asks why after a polite refusal is flying some red flags.

Be single, be picky. You sound like a catch - there are men out there who are not intimidated by professional women. The thing your friends friend said about why were you ever married is grim. Think about what he's saying - he's saying you should reduce yourself to be more passive because his idea of the male ego can't cope.

Fuck that. There are decent blokes out there. And hot unsuitable ones if you fancy less commitment ;)

[oneleggedfatbird]

Hmm. Been there, done that, been dragged through the mud. I don't think YBU

[janthea]

Don't go. It wouldn't work out.

[Terraviva]

YANBU, at all

[PoorYorick]

If a man came on here asking for permission not to date a woman he didn't like for any reason, I'd say exactly the same thing.

[Aeroflotgirl]

Exactly, what is wrong with having minimum standards, it separates the wheat from the chaff. Being single is much more preferable than being with somebody totally wrong, just so you can say you are in a relationship. If op was a man, I would say the same thing.

[InvisibleKittenAttack]

I've been thinking about this one, and it occurred to me it's like the running joke of woman always saying "I have a boyfriend" to any male attention. It's become a reflex response by some woman because it's an acceptable reason to not want to be chatted up by a man. "I am not interested in talking to you" isn't seen as a reasonable excuse to avoid a conversation with a man. If a man is interested in you, he has a right to try to win you over, unless you are someone else's.

Op - this man has no right to your time and attention just because he wants it. It's fine to have standards and "has job" isn't that extreme as a requirement!

[Minaktinga]

You are not BU. No point starting a relationship when you already have these concerns, right or wrong. Don't tell him though. Be friends :-)

[cluelessnewmum]

Yanbu, if he was temporarily unemployed for a good reason (eg made redundant) I'd overlook that but I wouldn't date someone who only earned a third of what I did. That's up to me, or you, in the same way as tall women may not want to date a man shorter than them, for example.

All those people saying yabu are just projecting their own saying preferences on to you, which is unreasonable!

[PoorYorick]

I've been thinking about this one, and it occurred to me it's like the running joke of woman always saying "I have a boyfriend" to any male attention. It's become a reflex response by some woman because it's an acceptable reason to not want to be chatted up by a man.

This, and also because these creeps often won't accept the woman's 'no', but will accept the presumed 'no' of the absent boyfriend. Only men get to prohibit.

[Prideinmyplace2]

This is how I'm hearing it from your perspective OP

1. You don't fancy him
   
2. You'd only date a man that's employed
   
3. You don't sound ready to date anyone - you're allowed a hook-up if you want ofc
   

4 Why not just accept who you are?

If I was in your shoes I would not be entertaining a date with him! Maybe a coffee after you've made it abundantly clear that friendship rather than romance is possible. I've made a couple of male friends in this scenario and I only see both of them once in a blue moon....

[5rivers7hills]

He's unemployed?

No chance would I go on a date with someone unemployed.

[5rivers7hills]

Well, I might date someone who was between jobs. But not long term unemployed. Also only really interested in dating people with a similar educational a background and eearning power.

[InvisibleKittenAttack]

Oh don't take the advice for a coffee with him if he's already expressed a romantic interest via friends, that's just giving false hope, and as there's friends in common, it could get akward.

Just no, you aren't interested and his interest in you creates no obligation on your behalf to give him your attention.

[JetBoyJetGirl]

The guy isn't interested in being your friend. He's not going to accept being rejected sexually/romantically but jump at the chance of being your 'friend'.

Honestly, some of the advice on here at times...

[Mivery]

So this is actually two different questions. YANBU to turn down someone who is unemployed? No. You don't say how old you are, but unless you're in college there's no scenario where turning down someone who is unemployed is unreasonable IMO. Now, rejecting someone for earning less because you're carrying baggage from an old relationship? Yeah that is probably unreasonable. Do you like this guy? Do you want to go on the date and get to know him better? These are the questions you should be asking. If he does pull that BS, don't marry him ;)

[user1499419331]

I've been there. My ex was a lazy one and I always earned more, and paid for everything. I didn't mind as such as my previous ex earned much more than me, and so paid for everything as well... if we want to do stuff the one with the money pays, and if you love someone it doesn't matter.

But it's when they take the proverbial that it becomes a problem! That's the issue, not intrinsically who makes what.

Your ex had his own issues apart from just his earnings.

I wouldn't discount someone over who earned what because money isn't that important to me, but being taken for a ride is.

For me I'm not into marriage though. I want independent finances. I don't want to burden someone else, and I don't want them to burden me. So as someone who isn't going to get married it's never going to matter to me, until they start taking the P!

Sounds like marriage was the issue with your ex though and why you lost a lot, and that's why I won't get married. I also don't want to have to pay to break up with someone :P i.e divorce.

Sure, I split up with my daughter's father, but I'm better off now financially because of it, not worse.

[Gbtch]

Don't undervalue yourself. Relationships are partnerships. Sounds like he hasn't much to offer with or without a job. Without a job he has even less.

[AhhhhThatsBass]

If it were me, I probably wouldn't go out with him. Some people don't care about the material aspect of relationships. I wish I didn't but I did and it would annoy me, even if I didn't have your back story. So I probably wouldn't. Don't beat yourself up about it.