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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To make her get the bus?

260 replies

kitkat321 · 25/08/2017 22:19

Having a BBQ at mine this weekend and have invited family round. My mum lives 35 miles away, doesn't drive but can get a bus then train to ours which will take about an hour then do the same on the way home.

She's initially assumed that after the BBQ I'd be taking her on the 90 minute round trip home.

AIBU or after hosting a BBQ for 8 people and doing all the cooking/prep should I be driving her home?

OP posts:

PerfectPenquins · 26/08/2017 11:24

Why not CecilyP? I drive it causes me no harm helping others out, we all do each other favours so why not this? Its time in the car you can chat and relax its actually no hardship.

CecilyP · 26/08/2017 11:24

Oh I had not realised it was early evening. I would have thought there's no harm getting the train then.

At what age do you think it is unacceptable to take a train after dark?

JigglyTuff · 26/08/2017 11:27

I used to live in London but don't anymore - I live about 2 hours away. I regularly travel there for work, barbecues, lunch, art exhibitions.

35 miles is no distance. Some of you have very odd attitudes

HarrietVane99 · 26/08/2017 11:29

for my mum? would insist on taking her home would not take no for an answer!

Do you make a habit of ignoring your mother's wishes and treating her as someone who is incapable of making her own decisions?

CecilyP · 26/08/2017 11:32

Penguins, if a 70 mille round trip to drive your able-bodied party guests home (when public transport is available) makes you happy, then no reason why not. But I wouldn't do it - though as I am older than 57, I doubt I'd be expected to.

abigailgabble · 26/08/2017 11:55

@HarrietVane99 yes Harriet, my poor mother... I'm very controlling, she should seek advice.

Fuckit2017 · 26/08/2017 11:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

UsedToBeAPaxmanFan · 26/08/2017 11:57

Fuckit it's not at night though. It's 6pm. Millions of people commute home by public transport every evening at that time.

HamishsMomma · 26/08/2017 12:09

Just an aside OP but why does she not drive? If it was because your DD always did the driving perhaps it would be now be an opportunity for her to learn. My DM didn't learn until her mid 40s and now zips about in her Mini with great glee (she is now in her mid 60s).

Roussette · 26/08/2017 12:10

So the OP should leave her party (which might still be going with a few close friends/stragglers left, or she might be wanting to tackle clearing up with her DH), but she should leave all that to drive her mother home?

Sorry but I blame the mother, I would seriously not expect my DCs to do that for me when I'm perfectly capable of hopping on a train.

Its time in the car you can chat and relax its actually no hardship It would be totaly hardship for me if I fancied more than one solitary glass of wine or wanted to chat to my friends who hadn't left my BBQ yet but I had to do an unnecessary 70 mile round trip because my 57yr old mother wanted me to mollycoddle her home.

p.s. 6pm in the summer is not 'night'

Allthebestnamesareused · 26/08/2017 12:12

If I was your mother I would not dream of expecting you to (A) eat into your preparation time (B) expect you not to drink at a "do" in your own home (c) expect your DH to do the same and (d) expect you or your DH to drive me home after when there is perfectly good public transport and your brother is happy to travel with her anyway.

YANBU and ignore comments saying you have contempt for your Mum.

namechangefordummies · 26/08/2017 12:14

She's only 57! She's capable of that
Journey for gods sake. People much older do longer commutes than that daily for gods sake. What is it with people on this forum?!

Roussette · 26/08/2017 12:26

What is it with people on this forum?!

I've no idea! I sometimes think I've landed in a parallel universe!

motherinferior · 26/08/2017 12:57

Speaking as a frail old lady of 54, I caught a random assortment of night buses across London at 2am the other day. I feel I'll be able to do a long haul like the one facing your mum in three years' time...

Jad234 · 26/08/2017 12:57

It's your mother!! If it meant driving her 3 hours you should do it...but my mum died when I was 15 so I know what it's like once they are gone.

Roussette · 26/08/2017 13:01

motherinferior

And this frail old dear (me) caught a bus, and tube on my own in Madrid, I'm rockin' the old!!

So OP should leave her party for 3 hours to drive her middle aged, not old, perfectly capable mother home?

HarrietVane99 · 26/08/2017 13:13

What is it with people on this forum?!

I've no idea! I sometimes think I've landed in a parallel universe! grin

Well, Mumsnet is also the place where people who don't drive are seen as somehow inadequate and not proper adults. Some people have trouble getting their heads around the notion that public transport can be just as good as, in some cases better than, taking a car.

AlmaCogansFrockFan · 26/08/2017 13:23

I agree with those who think she should be capable of travelling back on her own (especially as your DB is there for company and she could get a taxi when they go their different ways). An offer to take her back may well be kind, but surely not to be expected as you and your DH will be occupied in clearing up from the party and then wanting to relax.. FWIW when I was 57 (and DH a few years younger) we were taking it in turns to ferry our teenage DC around to parties.

BackforGood · 26/08/2017 13:25

I can't help thinking, that, if you don't drive, then you are used to traveling on public transport.
If not, you must have a limited life.
It is never the host's responsibility to get guests home. If you are invited somewhere, then you weigh up how much you want to be there vs how easy / difficult / expensive / time consuming it is to be somewhere.

If there is someone you really want to be somewhere and they are frail or vulnerable in some way, that is the exception.
This does not apply to the OP's mother.

2beesornot2beesthatisthehoney · 26/08/2017 13:32

Yes this terribly frail 51 year old commutes to her job by 2 trains each day and then cycles to the office . And doesn't get home till 7pm . At 7 right now there is still about 1.5 hours till dusk. I would not expect a lift home .

Can't believe how some on here would like to wrap us young middle aged ladies in cotton wool and treat us like we are infants. Most of us prefer to be treated as grown up independent women, however there are always entitled people around of any generation.

AnUtterIdiot · 26/08/2017 13:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

C8H10N4O2 · 26/08/2017 13:40

She isn't much older than me, I regularly travel further than that each way to clients with a long day's work in between. And I do have a disability which affects my mobility!

On what planet, when invited to a social event, is it reasonable to say to the host
"yes please. BTW after you have planned, paid for, cleaned up, cooked and entertained me for the afternoon I expect you to not drink anything and to miss out on the end of the party in order to spend an hour or two driving me home at 6pm. I'm too bloody lazy and entitled to use available public transport".

BlurryFace · 26/08/2017 13:54

Christ, I thought your mum would turn out to be 80+, not younger than both my folks. My dad is nearly 70 and does all sorts, planning flights/ferries/trains etc. I understand that public transport can make you antsy (what if the timetables out of date, what if it's late, what if there's a diversion) but that's just something non-drivers learn to put up with. Driving has its own down sides

mrsjoyfulprizeforraffiawork · 26/08/2017 14:09

I'm 62 and (shock, horror) work full-time and have a one and a quarter hour journey each way by public transport to work. Amazingly, I have not got lost, forgotten what train to take or otherwise fallen by the wayside just yet.... My 80-year-old mother used to travel alone by public transport also (sometimes a 2 and half hour journey by tube and trains to go to the town she used to live in for a hair appointment and the hairdresser didn't run her back home).

grandOlejukeofYork · 26/08/2017 14:29

This is why old people in this country are so lonely

She's fifty fucking seven!

OP, of course you are not unreasonable. Your mother is perfectly able to get herself home, like any other adult.

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