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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To make her get the bus?

260 replies

kitkat321 · 25/08/2017 22:19

Having a BBQ at mine this weekend and have invited family round. My mum lives 35 miles away, doesn't drive but can get a bus then train to ours which will take about an hour then do the same on the way home.

She's initially assumed that after the BBQ I'd be taking her on the 90 minute round trip home.

AIBU or after hosting a BBQ for 8 people and doing all the cooking/prep should I be driving her home?

OP posts:

EverythingEverywhere1234 · 26/08/2017 09:05

She's being ridiculous. Say no, and don't feel guilty enjoying your wine/beer/gin/drink of choice.

scottishdiem · 26/08/2017 09:12

Unless she has some mobility issue then she can get herself home. Why do some many women reduce themselves to the role of taxi driver? 57 is an age that I think can be viewed as all grown up and making public transport decisions.

Siwdmae · 26/08/2017 09:18

Public transport, otherwise you'll be putting yourself massively out. I cannot understand all these people saying how terrible it would be if she had to get the bus. She only 57, ffs!

Ameliablue · 26/08/2017 09:21

I would drive her on the basis that my parents were always prepared to drive us anywhere anytime when we were younger, so for me it would be showing appreciation for that. But if your mum didn't do that sort of thing for you, I could understand you not wanting to.

ChasedByBees · 26/08/2017 09:26

She's not old!

You'll be hosting a party and presumably wanting to enjoy it yourself. Your mum can get the train or a taxi if she really is so delicate that she can't face public transport (and we know she isn't).

Whinesalot · 26/08/2017 09:26

I think the issue is confused because she is your mum and does your childcare.
Substitute 57 year old friend and it suddenly becomes a CF thread.

I think on this occasion you ask her to take the public transport as you are hosting a party and want to enjoy said party by having a drink.

Inertia · 26/08/2017 09:32

Yanbu. You're the party host- the only advantage of doing all the preparation /buying/ cleaning/cooking/clearing up is that you get to stay at home.

Public transport is available, and she can travel with your brother.

Alternatively, could she cancel her Monday appointment and stay overnight?

Farfromtheusual · 26/08/2017 09:37

Not sure if this has already been asked, but if you give DM a lift, does that mean you would also be expected to give DB a lift since he's going in the same direction?

But YANBU, my Nan used to get the train and bus on her own all the time, right up until she was in her 70's.

Isetan · 26/08/2017 09:37

No she shouldn't assume but given that this is who she and always has been, I'm perplexed why you didn't see this coming. You should have said that you wouldn't be dropping her home when you extended the invitation.

This is who she is, accept it and plan accordingly but handwringing is pointless.

HarrietVane99 · 26/08/2017 09:41

at the number of people who say they 'won't let' a competent adult do something. My mother is 88 and she decides for herself what she will or will not do.

I'm another who is older than the OP's mother and travel all over by public transport for all purposes, sometimes late at night and in the dark
(Are we all supposed to be safely indoors by five pm in the winter? Tucked up with our slippers and cocoa, presumably?)

I agree this infantilisation of older people is a subtle form of ageism.

Amatree · 26/08/2017 09:44

Your husband sounds very unpleasant. Presumably he doesn't have a problem with your mother 'wasting' every Monday looking after his child. One of you should show some appreciation for what she does for you and drive her. Or pay for a taxi, it'd probably cost a fraction of what she saves you in childcare every week. Your posts have an undertone of entitlement, that she owes you somehow for being lacking as a mother in your mind.

PinkSquash · 26/08/2017 09:46

My DM is in her 60s and regularly drives and does the 4 hour one way trip to see us. So does my DGM who is in her 80s. 50- something is not old at all

drspouse · 26/08/2017 09:47

She's not 90, she can get the train with your brother and find her own bus!

DorisDangleberry · 26/08/2017 09:49

Taxi?

MrsWooster · 26/08/2017 09:49

I'm 50, d's is 7 and d's is 4. I am delighted to infer that when they are 14 and 11 I am relieved from all driving about duties due to my decrepitude and they will have to get a rickshaw and cart me about. Hurray.

MinistryofRevenge · 26/08/2017 09:50

Another one who's older that your DM, and still commuting by train (and going out to gigs, drinking and getting the night bus home). If my DC said she wanted to do a 90 minute round trip to take me home after a party at her place, I think either that she'd lost her mind, or that she had a serious problem she wanted to talk to me about on the drive. Honestly, this isn't normal behaviour for a woman her age.

Hopefully she's going to be around for another 30 years or so; she needs to be able to be independent or the next 30 years of her life are going to be fairly shitty for her, so don't beat yourself up about not giving her the lift, it's for her own good. I'm guessing that you'd think you would have failed your own DD if she grew up so helpless that she spent her entire adult life relying on others to ferry her about? Apply the same thinking to your DM. Nobody is doing her any favours by treating her as a helpless old woman.

NicolasFlamel · 26/08/2017 09:51

My 60 year old mum would be horrified by some of these responses. She's only just retired after managing an entire hospital ward for years. She can even still drive herself about in her own car shocker.
this is why old people are so lonely lol! 57 year olds are not old people!! How offensive.
YANBU

PennyTentiary · 26/08/2017 09:52

I'd take my mum if she couldn't drive but that's because I love her and love spending time with her. We had a stained relationship when I was younger but she still raised me right and drove me to many places which I imagine were inconvenient for her! However she would probably insist on getting the bus! She is younger than your mum, I just like to help my family out. And I'd drive her home definitely if she did the massive favour of caring for my toddler on a regular basis. It seems you're not very keen on her but she's alright enough to "watch" your toddler. Is that right?

Slimthistime · 26/08/2017 09:54

This is mad OP
Tell her to get the train like everyone else!

PeppaIsMyHero · 26/08/2017 09:55

57?!!

Entitled...?

happypoobum · 26/08/2017 10:00

I am really confused by some of the responses on this thread!

I am in my fifties. If DD invited me to a BBQ (she lives 50 miles away) I would happily get bus and train there and back at 6-7pm. Why wouldn't I?

I can't imagine why people think OP should drive her back? When you are invited to parties, BBQs do you generally assume your host will drive you home?

Trills · 26/08/2017 10:01

One hour, and one change is not a difficult or long journey.

HeteronormativeHaybales · 26/08/2017 10:02

Whoever criticised the OP for saying 'watch' - it's a (regional?) turn of phrase for 'look after'. Not a valid stick to beat the OP with.

OP, YANBU. I think as well as 'it's your mum' guilt-tripping and subtle ageism (FFS people, 57 is mid-middle age, not old) there's a fair bit of good old traditional British horror at public transport going on here (I say this as a Brit abroad. It's very striking).

Trills · 26/08/2017 10:02

If she doesn't drive then either she is familiar with public transport, or she must be restricting her life a lot.

SuperBeagle · 26/08/2017 10:05

I've move Heaven and Earth for my mum, but each to their own.

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