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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To make her get the bus?

260 replies

kitkat321 · 25/08/2017 22:19

Having a BBQ at mine this weekend and have invited family round. My mum lives 35 miles away, doesn't drive but can get a bus then train to ours which will take about an hour then do the same on the way home.

She's initially assumed that after the BBQ I'd be taking her on the 90 minute round trip home.

AIBU or after hosting a BBQ for 8 people and doing all the cooking/prep should I be driving her home?

OP posts:
rainbowpie · 25/08/2017 22:34

For most people I'd say point them to the bus stop but not your mum.

Doilooklikeatourist · 25/08/2017 22:34

And I'm 57 😀

Cailleach666 · 25/08/2017 22:35

Why did you invite her? You must have been able to predict that situation.

YellowLawn · 25/08/2017 22:35

yanbu
that's a long drive. she can either take train/bus or a taxi home.

Nuttynoo · 25/08/2017 22:35

I live 60 miles from my mum, but me or dh are there in a heartbeat if and when she needs us. I'd never make her do a bus/train journey at night, she'd be driven by either me or dh. You are coming off as an ingrate tbh OP - she raised you ffs!

HundredMilesAnHour · 25/08/2017 22:35

YABU. She's your mother.

My mother died from cancer when I was 25 and she was just 51. I would happily drive to the end of the world and back to spend some time with her again. You don't realise what you have until it's gone. Learn the lesson from those of us who don't have mothers living 45 mins drive away and make the effort!

JigglyTuff · 25/08/2017 22:36

See - look, us old gimmers think you should enjoy your BBQ and not have to stay sober to drive your perfectly capable mum home. We give you permission Wink

skyzumarubble · 25/08/2017 22:36

If you invite her I think you need to prepared to drive her home. I would invite her to stay over and driver her back the next day.

Original poster
kitkat321 · 25/08/2017 22:38

I know it does make me sound like I'm mean but having driven that journey many a time it just puts a downer on what I was hoping would be a lovely afternoon relaxing eating and drinking.

My brother is coming and also getting the train (Meeting my mum half way an traveling with her) He can drive but will be "too hung over"

OP posts:
SunnySkiesSleepsintheMorning · 25/08/2017 22:41

Think it would be a nice gesture to drop her home. Is she otherwise a good mum?

CantThinkOfAUserNameNotTaken · 25/08/2017 22:41

Yanbu op. People should never assume they'll be driven, no matter who they are. It doesn't sound mean, she'll have your brother for company and she doesn't have to accept.

Original poster
kitkat321 · 25/08/2017 22:44

Sunny she is a good mum - we're not close and she likes to hold that over me but otherwise she's very good

OP posts:
JigglyTuff · 25/08/2017 22:46

I'm a bloody brilliant mum. I still don't expect my children to act as my personal chauffeur. Partly because I'm an adult and perfectly capable of getting myself home and partly because I don't want to piss on their fun.

Again, MN is bloody weird when it comes to this. It's ageism dressed up as kindness - because she's your mum, she's a little fragile old lady.

Original poster
kitkat321 · 25/08/2017 22:48

Jiggly - my mum is the opposite of you. She had my dad running around after her for 30 of years and since he died she's having to be independent but would always prefer to have others do things for her - I'm super independent and it sometimes annoys me that she's so quick to reply on others

OP posts:
HundredMilesAnHour · 25/08/2017 22:50

It's ageism dressed up as kindness - because she's your mum, she's a little fragile old lady.

I disagree. It's nothing to do with age. It's about having the opportunity to do something nice for someone you love.

JigglyTuff · 25/08/2017 22:53

Well you need to train her then. She got your dad to wait on her hand and foot so you need to give her the big hand of NO. You really don't want to get into a position where you're trying to fill his role - it'll drive you bonkers.

I'd just say that you're looking forward to a couple of glasses of prosecco or whatever at the party so won't be able to take her home. And that you'd absolutely love her to be there but understand if she doesn't want to come if she can't get a lift home. And then disengage.

Draw your boundaries. Keep them firm.

And I'm sorry for the loss of your dad.

Squarerouteofsquirrel · 25/08/2017 22:55

How is your brother getting home ?

I must say if it was me, I would have her stay overnight and either drive her or let her get train in the morning. Wouldn't let her use public transport at night. It's your mum.

Poshjock · 25/08/2017 22:55

NU. I would never accept an invitation to any family party/event/BBQ where alcohol would feature and expect to be driven home. I'd happily take public transport (in fact I'd insist on it) so I could have a drink too - why would I expect someone else to abstain? And I live rurally so public transport is not always seamless.

Jaxhog · 25/08/2017 22:56

I'd drive her home. She's your Mum!

Original poster
kitkat321 · 25/08/2017 22:56

Brother is getting the train - would be the same train as my mum then they'd go their separate ways in town. It wouldn't be night - it would be about 6/7 pm

OP posts:
JigglyTuff · 25/08/2017 22:59

No decent mum would expect their child to do a 90 minute round trip after being dined and wined for the afternoon because they couldn't be arsed to get public transport. IMVHO

YouRat · 25/08/2017 23:00

This is why old people in this country are so lonely.

sunglassally · 25/08/2017 23:02

Surely brother would go to the bus with mum after the train and make sure she got it safely.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 25/08/2017 23:03

What is so awful about the train? Trains are great. I don't see the dilemma. She can get the train with your brother. It will be lovely for them.

Youremywifenow · 25/08/2017 23:03

Bit shocked by the outrage here. If there was no public transport then that would be different but she doesn't need to be driven home. As you say it would take her less time to get the train - a thing which capable grown adults do all the time.

Jiggly is right, set your boundaries and have a drink.