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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To make her get the bus?

260 replies

kitkat321 · 25/08/2017 22:19

Having a BBQ at mine this weekend and have invited family round. My mum lives 35 miles away, doesn't drive but can get a bus then train to ours which will take about an hour then do the same on the way home.

She's initially assumed that after the BBQ I'd be taking her on the 90 minute round trip home.

AIBU or after hosting a BBQ for 8 people and doing all the cooking/prep should I be driving her home?

OP posts:
WobblyChair · 26/08/2017 18:53

Gobsmacked by this thread.

You are
Definitely
DEFINITELY
Not being
Unreasonable

sunglassally · 26/08/2017 19:04

If I were your mother I would be delighted to attend, but would sort out my attendance independently.

Some people make attending a "thing" all about them, even if they can come and go independently.

I hope I never reach that stage, especially in a young 50s

I would hope to be always independent of anyone. It's my choice to go or not really.

pizzapine · 26/08/2017 19:27

I'd probably offer to pick her up and bring her to your house. But, explain that you plan on having some wine with your meal and she will have to make her own way home. If she's not happy with that, she doesn't need to attend

Sprinklestar · 26/08/2017 20:09

YANBU. My 50yo friend has baby twins and a 3yo!

motherinferior · 26/08/2017 20:11

I imagine the OP will be too busy getting the dinner ready to spend 90 minutes driving.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 26/08/2017 20:17

She's not old, she's 57! Ye Gods, I'm the same age, and quite capable of getting myself somewhere and back, or changing my appointment, so that DD could have a couple of drinks and relax. It's an unreasonable expectation on her part, unless there is a mobility issue or something that makes it difficult for her.

Roussette · 26/08/2017 20:28

The thing is... knowing I'm going to a DD's BBQ I would make my own arrangements to get there and back. If I fancied a few drinks, I would ask if I could stay the night etc.

I do this. I'm older than OP's DM and this is what I do. I want my DC's to enjoy my company not find me a pain!

melj1213 · 26/08/2017 20:36

Christ, I'm 28 and drive but if I was in your mother's position I'd be getting public transport purely for my own convenience!

If I drove then I'd either have to crash at my friend's which most would be fine with but I'd feel like I was imposing or leave my car at my friend's and then get the train home and back again in the morning to collect it anyway because we had a drink at the BBQ, or not drink at all ... and where's the fun in a summer BBQ where you can't even have one glass of wine with your dinner in a situation where you don't have to drive?

Providing that the public transport was fairly straightforward and not prohibitive to attending then why wouldn't you want to use the transport option that isn't reliant on your host (or anyone else, for that matter) to get you home unless they have explicitly offered a lift of their own volition?

storynanny · 26/08/2017 20:44

I'm 60 and quite able bodied. I have 3 adult sons. One would expect me to get myself home, one wouldn't dream of letting me make my own way home and one would probably ask me if I would like to stay over.
Everyone is different.

hippyhippyshake · 26/08/2017 21:01

I need to know where and how the Monday childcare arrangement works before I can pass judgement.

Butterymuffin · 26/08/2017 21:04

And ten fecking pages in, we still don't know what this early morning Bank Holiday Monday appointment is that stands in the way of the mum staying over and solving all these problems.

sunglassally · 26/08/2017 21:17

Am afraid to say what age I am lest I be judged.

But it is older than most here I reckon. Anyway, I am independent, love a drink and will work it out accordingly.

No one needs to look after me. If they did I would back off, unless it was really convenient for them.

I really dislike this thing of women being helpless. A man would never have to justify this, at all.

But I will leave it there before my hormones go into overdrive lol.

storynanny · 26/08/2017 21:18

I think bank holiday public transport might be a problem though.

Trills · 26/08/2017 21:19

Why would you need to know what the appointment is?

The OP also said they were not set up for overnight stays (I'm assuming no spare room)

And the mum lives an hour away by regularly-running public transport. That's not a situation that requires staying over.

motherinferior · 26/08/2017 21:25

WHY would staying the night be any sort of sensible option? Does the OP's mum go to bed at 7.30?

littlebird7 · 26/08/2017 21:27

Have you actually thought this throug? It is not ideal your mum trying to get home in the dark with unreliable by public trsnsport. She could easily end up stranded or on a coach for most of the night. Drive her home earlier and come back and enjoy a drink at the end

Trills · 26/08/2017 21:28

in the dark with unreliable by public trsnsport

Neither of these things is the case.

motherinferior · 26/08/2017 21:29

She is going home at SEVEN IN THE EVENING.

What is this terror of public transport?

bellalou1234 · 26/08/2017 21:29

I can't believe the hard time you're getting op! Let her get bus/train home or not to come x

motherinferior · 26/08/2017 21:30

On a coach for most of the night????

It's a 35 mile journey. On a summer evening.

Roussette · 26/08/2017 21:37

How can 6pm be 'in the night' and camping out in a bus station?!

motherinferior · 26/08/2017 21:38

Also, it's not the OP's responsibility to 'think it through'. It's her mum's. Her middle-aged fully functioning mum.

Roussette · 26/08/2017 21:42

Exactly motherinferior. I'd be working out how I got to my DCs BBQ and how I got back without intrrupting their fun day/evening

UsedToBeAPaxmanFan · 26/08/2017 21:54

Littlebird 7 have you actually rtft????

It's an hour away by train.
It's going to be around 6pm
The mother is 57
Why do you think the OP should drive her able bodied, working age mother home in broad daylight which will cause a lot of inconvenience to the OP when there is a perfectly good train service which will take her lhime in ess than an hour?

Thousands of people older than the OP's mother commute home from work at this time every evening. My mother who is in her mid 70s would think nothing of doing this.

I can't believe people on this thread. It really is a parallel universe.

hippyhippyshake · 26/08/2017 22:24

She's initially assumed that after the BBQ I'd be taking her on the 90 minute round trip home

.....and then op explained that her mum thought that she would be caring for dd as usual on a Monday and the lift home would be for both of them. Which sounds fairly reasonable to me at that point. So now we are over the 'initial' assumption, maybe mum has reconsidered.