Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 ··· 6 7 8 9 10 11

Original poster

To make her get the bus?

260 replies

kitkat321 · 25/08/2017 22:19

Having a BBQ at mine this weekend and have invited family round. My mum lives 35 miles away, doesn't drive but can get a bus then train to ours which will take about an hour then do the same on the way home.

She's initially assumed that after the BBQ I'd be taking her on the 90 minute round trip home.

AIBU or after hosting a BBQ for 8 people and doing all the cooking/prep should I be driving her home?

OP posts:

Scabetty · 26/08/2017 10:08

57 is not old ffs.

Ceto · 26/08/2017 10:16

Good grief. I'm older than that and manage to travel hundreds and indeed thousands of miles for work purposes all by myself. There is no way on earth I'd expect my children to drive 70 miles when I can take public transport.

cluelessnewmum · 26/08/2017 10:16

My in laws are in their late 70s and live about an hour away. They could drive but prefer not to so always take public transport (although we collect them from station). Dh or I would never consider giving them a lift home, as far as I'm concerned we've provided the food and entertainment for the day, not our responsibility to get them back home.

If they get too old to use public transport, they can afford a taxi.

Your 57 year old mum is being unreasonable. She has the option of travelling with your brother, staying over and moving her appointment the next day (or leaving early the next day), or not coming.

As pp have said, don't cave in and take her as she'll then expect it every time.

GabsAlot · 26/08/2017 10:18

did anyon say its old

i just think its the attitude-your perfectly fine with accepting hr childminding but wont give her lift

maybe she'll find something better to do on mondays from now on

Coffeetasteslikeshit · 26/08/2017 10:18

I can't decide whether to laugh or cry at this thread. For a start, as a pp has pointed out, 57 is middle aged, not old.

But my favourite was:

Cailleach666

Why did you invite her? You must have been able to predict that situation.

is the OP a psychic then? Do you know her to know that she must have been able to predict this?

I also enjoyed this is why old people are so lonely

And Your husband sounds very unpleasant. Yeh, because we know so much about him don't we? It sounds to me that the OP'S DH has got the mums number and isn't pandering to her.

Then there's this from:

we're not close
No, you're not.

She might notice that and decide she has better things to do than to 'watch' your dd.

A) she's already noticed it, as the op said.
B) if she'd stop watching her own GDC for that reason then ops better off without her and so are the DC.

Roussette · 26/08/2017 10:18

Bloody Norah! She's only 57! I'm older than her and would be mortified if my kids thought they had to ferry me about! I'd be making my own way there and back and would want them to enjoy the rest of their evening without me.

Whoever said 'why doesn't your brother see her safely home'? WTAF. I would like to know what age it is that we lose our capabilities. 50? 55? Unless she is ill or incapable, she can see herself home! I'm over 60 and shock horror I can get myself home without having someone walk beside me as I shuffle along If I were to show this thread to my adult DCs they would wet themselves laughing because I'm the one they have to hold back when we go out together. People - please please stop infantalising anyone over 50.

I've got myself round parts of France and Spain by public transport at her age so I'm sure she can catch a train with her son to go home.

Imsorrynow · 26/08/2017 10:18

Most 57 year old women (in my neck of the woods) are still in full time employment, so why wouldn't they be capable of using public transport?
I'm a similar age to OP's DM and I'd never assume that an invitation to a BBQ would include getting me home. (Even though I know my DC love me to bits!)

Coffeetasteslikeshit · 26/08/2017 10:19

More seriously though, this is possibly the most ageist thread ever.

Sprogletsmuvva · 26/08/2017 10:22

Yup. I don't drive and - assuming an event hasn't been held wilfully with no public transport nearby - would consider it my own responsibility to get there and back.

I live a similar distance from DPs as OP, and pre-DC would regularly make the trip by bike and public transport (inc late-night train and ride through quiet london streets). My parents would not have dreamed of taking me further than the local station. (In fact they have only deigned to visit me twice in 18 years, which admittedly colours my view)

OP, it sounds like you have wider issues re the being expected to run around. My ex had a GM who was similar, albeit in her 70s when her husband died. Ex's DF sat her down and had The Talk: "Mum, we'll always be here for you, but..." Would that be an option?"

Roussette · 26/08/2017 10:23

Totally agree Coffee. I think some posters on here think that a switch switches and at a certain age we suddenly become old.

It doesn't work like that, ageing is a natural gradual process and you just carry on doing what you've always done. I'm over 60 and proud. Brain, body and faculties all in working order thank you.

PerfectPenquins · 26/08/2017 10:32

Its nothing to do with age, its just a nice thing to do for someone and its hardly taxing sitting in the car whilst your oh pulls his weight at home and cleans up is it?

She helps you out every Monday why not return the huge favour?

Id do it for my parents, friends and siblings because why the hell not? You can have a drink when you get back and relax.

YoullShootYourEyeOut · 26/08/2017 10:34

35 miles is a long way to come for a bbq! Why wouldn't you want to give her a lift home? You sound a bit mean. My DM does drive and I still give her lifts when she asks me to because I love her and like to help her out if she needs me to.

abigailgabble · 26/08/2017 10:40

for my mum? would insist on taking her home would not take no for an answer!

PiratePanda · 26/08/2017 10:43

She's 57, not 85! Most people still have another ten years of work before retirement at that point.

My mum is 65 and would think nothing of doing the round trip by public transport. In fact she'd probably cycle if the roads were suitable!

My MIL, on the other hand, who is 85 just wouldn't come. She probably wouldn't come even if we picked her up and dropped her off.

She can take the bus and train.

Fuckit2017 · 26/08/2017 10:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Roussette · 26/08/2017 10:53

Even if we go with the 'it's a kind thing to do' scenario, if I was in this position I would flatly turn it down and tell my DC to stay at the bbq and enjoy herself. I would not let my kids do this because there is no need

CecilyP · 26/08/2017 10:55

Hopefully she's going to be around for another 30 years or so; she needs to be able to be independent or the next 30 years of her life are going to be fairly shitty for her, so don't beat yourself up about not giving her the lift, it's for her own good. I'm guessing that you'd think you would have failed your own DD if she grew up so helpless that she spent her entire adult life relying on others to ferry her about? Apply the same thinking to your DM. Nobody is doing her any favours by treating her as a helpless old woman.

I think this is a really important point and unless you stay firm now when she us still relatively young, you could be setting a pattern for 30 years of dependence. It makes no difference how close or otherwise you were or are. Even if you absolutely adore her and think she was the best mother ever, you should still not drive her home.

I write this as another who is older than your DM, but perfectly able to use public transport and, while it may be a shock to some of the earlier posters on this thread, we are even allowed out after dark!

buggerthebotox · 26/08/2017 10:56

This isn't about age, but a sense of entitlement imho. Although we don't know the full story, I'm betting that the mum is one of those people who think that the world revolves around them. I have a relative like this; he's never learned to drive and expects others to do his bidding.

If your mum wanted to come to the bbq then she should have factored in the length of complexity of the journey and accepted that it's her responsibility to get herself there.

I'm 57 btw. I'd be mortified if I was considered "old" or "frail" and dependent enough to inconvenience others for my benefit.

museumum · 26/08/2017 11:01

Nobody in my family would drive a 90m round trip for someone who can easily use public transport (or a taxi) to make the one way trip they need. It's just weird - no wonder our roads are congested if people are driving to and fro like this for no good reason (ill and infirm and genuinely in need excepted).

Roussette · 26/08/2017 11:06

I think this is a really important point and unless you stay firm now when she us still relatively young, you could be setting a pattern for 30 years of dependence

This ^^

When my DM got v elderly I started ringing her more. My decision. I ended up feeling tied to at least 4 phone calls a day. Of course I cared and wanted to make sure she was OK but I made that happen and she expected it. Calls 2-4 plus were a repetition of the first call.

jamylollypop88 · 26/08/2017 11:07

Quick text!????
" hi mum looking forward to seeing you, just a quick text to let you know il be having a few drinks at BBQ and I don't want to drink and drive so don't forget train tickets in advance"
Is it really that difficult.?

Roussette · 26/08/2017 11:08

p.s. When I say v elderly, I am not talking 57! And she wasn't on her own, she had my DF so there was no need of so many calls but I started it and couldn't stop

CecilyP · 26/08/2017 11:14

Id do it for my parents, friends and siblings because why the hell not? You can have a drink when you get back and relax.

Seriously, you would host a party then drive your party guests home afterwards? I've never heard that one before.

Annebronte · 26/08/2017 11:14

Surely thousands and thousands of 57 year olds commute by public transport daily without problems?

CecilyP · 26/08/2017 11:20

I don't think it is particularly; I went to one that distance, even managed to drive myself home aged over 60. But if it is a long way to go to attend, it is twice as long to act as a taxi to take a guest home.

Flip

1 2 ··· 6 7 8 9 10 11

Swipe left for the next trending thread