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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To make her get the bus?

260 replies

kitkat321 · 25/08/2017 22:19

Having a BBQ at mine this weekend and have invited family round. My mum lives 35 miles away, doesn't drive but can get a bus then train to ours which will take about an hour then do the same on the way home.

She's initially assumed that after the BBQ I'd be taking her on the 90 minute round trip home.

AIBU or after hosting a BBQ for 8 people and doing all the cooking/prep should I be driving her home?

OP posts:
Svalberg · 26/08/2017 00:44

Bloody hell, she's a similar age to me & I commute an hour each way to work every day on public transport. Before that I was driving 3-4 hours each day to work. Should I be finding someone to transport me? I'm also looking differently at the party we're off to tomorrow - 90 minutes away, I really can't be expected to go unless someone brings me home, can I?

87patshad · 26/08/2017 00:48
  1. Learn from the lesson to not invite her next time
  1. As that mistake has already been made, follow step 3, 4 and 5
  1. Tell her you will pick her up but she must make her way home
  1. You pick her up
  1. Sorted!! Enjoy your BBQ

Oh hold on a min! Let's go back to step 4...

If like my mum she will agree to this and then make a misery of the evening because she 'tragically' has to find her way home.

follow step 6 or 7

  1. Give her lots of alcoholic drinks (she doesn't need to know if this is an issue, slip it in her lemonade) put her into a taxi
  1. Give her lots of alcoholic drinks (she doesn't need to know if this is an issue, slip it in her lemonade) when she falls asleep and wakes the next morning tell her you feel terrible that she has missed her appointment!

HOWEVER, if she gives you an hour to wash and dress you will bring her home 👍🏼

coriliavijvaad · 26/08/2017 00:49

Yanbu op I don't know why you are getting such mean responses. An invitation to an event does not mean that you as host have to bend over backwards to enable people to attend. As the saying goes it's an invitation not a summons and each invitee can decide for themselves whether they can be arsed to come.

A 60 minute journey by public transport is not any great hardship for a 57yo.

If your mum was 80 and you were giving a party in her honor then I would think you ought to fetch her. In the current scenario it isn't remotely reasonable to expect you to play chauffeur as well as hostess.

Whinesalot · 26/08/2017 00:50

Shes 57 not 87.

Just say that you are having a drink therefore she'll have to make her own way home.
Be matter of fact.

faithinthesound · 26/08/2017 00:52

My mother might only be 53, but she would be incredibly insulted if she thought you all thought she was too frail and incompetent to manage a train and a bus home. She's fiercely independent (she drives, but that's besides the point).

OP, your mother CAN do this, she just doesn't WANT to. That doesn't make it an emergency that you need to drop everything for. Now, if she were actually incapable or incapacitated, that would be one thing, but she isn't.

And can we all please stop projecting our own relationships with our mothers on to the OP? Not all mothers are created equal, and just because yours behaved one way doesn't mean ours behaved the same way. If you've RTFT, OP has already stated that her mother was okay at best.

Whinesalot · 26/08/2017 00:53

X post cori about the 80 year old Grin

Wdigin2this · 26/08/2017 00:58

She's only 57 for goodness sake, I'm a good deal older, and would insist on getting the bus/train, so my daughter could relax!

GrampieRabbit · 26/08/2017 02:10

My dad picks my DD up a couple of times a week and watches her for a hour or two while I'm at work. I feel massively indebted to him and would drive him to the end of the world if he asked me to 🤷🏽‍♀️ surely she's doing you a much bigger favour than she's asking of you?

emmyrose2000 · 26/08/2017 02:58

I have relatives in their late 70s and late 80s who regularly catch public transport, and for a lot longer than 45 minutes. OP's mother is only 57. If she can't catch a train home after a social event there's something wrong with here. Good grief.

Unless she can't drive for medical reasons, then she's made the conscious choice at some point in her life not to drive, so she needs to live with the consequences of that choice. In this case, it means catching public transport home from a party.

I would never in a million years expect someone to drive me 45 minutes out of their way just because I can't/won't drive.

emmyrose2000 · 26/08/2017 02:59

*with her, not here.

Fuckit2017 · 26/08/2017 03:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fuckit2017 · 26/08/2017 03:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SparklyMorning · 26/08/2017 03:40

OP. There's no way I would expect my DD to take me home after a party she was hosting. I'd be upset that she wasn't able to be free to enjoy herself because of having to take me home.
If your mum doesn't feel the same she's pretty selfish!
I'm guessing she's chosen to not learn to drive? Maybe it's time she did if she's not happy travelling independently on public transport.
Never too late to try something new.

JigglyTuff · 26/08/2017 07:25

Fuckit - the OP's said it'll be 6-7pm.

Piewraith · 26/08/2017 08:11

This is a bit silly - you are wasting 90 minutes, plus an opportunity to have a few drinks, just so she can save 15 minutes.

That said, would it be an option to call her an uber. Possibly with db sharing the ride part way and sharing the cost. Or getting the train with db then getting a taxi from where she splits off from db.

OliviaStabler · 26/08/2017 08:13

Let her get the train. Hardly a chore at 6pm in the summertime.

ForalltheSaints · 26/08/2017 08:15

If it involves this much drama I am glad I don't have a barbecue!

I would not criticise my mum or any other family member for not driving. I only wish about 25% of those who do had never learnt in the first place.

ivykaty44 · 26/08/2017 08:26

Why doesn't she drive her self?
Did she not learn to drive?
Does she always cadge lefts everywhere when she can?

ElinoristhenewEnid · 26/08/2017 08:27

I am 57. I do not need to be transported around. I would not dream of asking my dcs to drive me anywhere where I could get by other means. Fortunately i can drive but do use public transport if necessary eg bus to airport, train to main city. I am young not old. I cannot believe that people expect op to drive her dm!

sandgrown · 26/08/2017 08:28

I am older than your mum and regularly travel the length of the country alone on public transport. If I go out at night and want a drink I have been known to catch a bus after 11pm!

Pengggwn · 26/08/2017 08:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RainbowPastel · 26/08/2017 08:52

Do you pick her up normally when she is good enough to do your childcare for you?

ItsALardBaby · 26/08/2017 08:53

She's only 57, and should get the train home!
OP don't pander to this bullshit!

UsedToBeAPaxmanFan · 26/08/2017 09:02

Fuckit2017 I think there would be something seriously amiss if a 57 year old is not confident enough to catch a train at 6pm. You do realise that many people older than that commute by public transport which involves trains af the time of the evening?

chips4teaplease · 26/08/2017 09:04

we're not close
No, you're not.

She might notice that and decide she has better things to do than to 'watch' your dd.

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