Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To make her get the bus?

260 replies

kitkat321 · 25/08/2017 22:19

Having a BBQ at mine this weekend and have invited family round. My mum lives 35 miles away, doesn't drive but can get a bus then train to ours which will take about an hour then do the same on the way home.

She's initially assumed that after the BBQ I'd be taking her on the 90 minute round trip home.

AIBU or after hosting a BBQ for 8 people and doing all the cooking/prep should I be driving her home?

OP posts:
Mummaofboys · 25/08/2017 23:04

It's your Mum give her a lift or let her stay over and ask if she would re arrange her appointment if you really need to drink. I wouldn't let my mum or mother in law find their own way home.

blackteasplease · 25/08/2017 23:04

Yes, surely answer is that your brother sees her home safely on the bus? You having hosted the evening.

Or how much would a taxi be? I'd rather pay for the taxi than drive her tbh

57 doesn't sound too old to do a bus and train journey unless she has a disability.

listsandbudgets · 25/08/2017 23:04

YABU. DP's mum came to visit us recently. He drove 3 hours to pick her up then back again then at the end of the week did the journey again because you know... he wanted to see his mum

CantThinkOfAUserNameNotTaken · 25/08/2017 23:05

Agreeing with jiggy too. You've been looking forward to relaxing with a drink so enjoy one.

I'm sorry for your loss Flowers

listsandbudgets · 25/08/2017 23:05

(that said DPs mum is 89)

blackteasplease · 25/08/2017 23:05

"If you really need a drink" is a bit harsh. The OP is hosting the BBQ. She isn't doing it so has not to be able to relax and enjoy it herself.

Heartofglass12345 · 25/08/2017 23:06

She's not elderly, if she really wants to come she will get the train

gobbynorthernbird · 25/08/2017 23:08

Jesus. My mum is older than OP mum and would be bloody livid at some of these responses. This is not elderly. She's 57, not 75. Perfectly capable of getting a bus/train. Has just seen her arse and doesn't want to.

rollonthesummer · 25/08/2017 23:08

Is your brother on your 'side'?! Could he ring her and say that they can go/return on the train together?

What conversation has gone on between the two of you about this so far-what has she asked? What did you say?

UsedToBeAPaxmanFan · 25/08/2017 23:10

She's not old - she's 6 years older than me so very youngGrin

I can't believe all.the people on here saying you invited her so you should give her a lift home. She's presumably perfectly capable of using public transport, so why should the OP do a 90 minute round trip?

I often invite my friend who.lives in London and doesn't drive to stay. I do pick her up and drop her back at the station as the nearest station is several.miles away but there's no way I'm driving to London and back to give her a lift. She's in her 50s but perfectly capable of sitting on a train for an hour each way.

Original poster
kitkat321 · 25/08/2017 23:13

Initially she assumed she was getting a lift home as she wanted to take my dd with her to stay (she watches dd on a Monday - I await the "you're ungrateful" comments ) . As it's a bank hol I'm off and want to spend the day with dd so I told her I'd checked the trains and she could get home in an hour. She claims the second train isn't running so she'll just leave early to get the bus. I've checked the trains and they do seem to be running.

OP posts:
Maryann1975 · 25/08/2017 23:14

Her mum isn't old- she's 57! When my Dh is 57 he will have a 13 year old child, please don't make out he will be incapable of doing anything for anyone else and unable to use public transport due to his age!

Op, it is a tricky one, yes she is your mum and we all know you should go out of your way to help family and friends, but in this case you have offered a solution (for dm to stay over) and she has declined this because she has to be somewhere early so she either needs to catch public transport or not come. I can't believe she expects you to do a 90 minute trip after hosting a BBQ. I wouldnt want her to be doing the journey in the dark, late at night by herself, but at 7pm, with your brother- no problem. Can she afford the journey on public transport?

Original poster
kitkat321 · 25/08/2017 23:15

Yes she is perfectly used to public transport- she gets the bus into town to go to church every week, is happy traveling into town or out and about regularly

OP posts:
JigglyTuff · 25/08/2017 23:15

Why the fuck does the OP's brother need to 'see her safely home on the bus'?

Trust me, when you're a woman in your 50s, bad things are very unlikely to happen to you. You're virtually invisible to most of the population - including, it seems, quite a lot of MN.

Sierra259 · 25/08/2017 23:16

She could get the train halfway back with your brother and then a taxi home from there?

chickhonhoneybabe · 25/08/2017 23:16

So, it's a bank holiday and you have a day off, could your mum stay over then you could drop her off at her appointment in the morning??

Ttbb · 25/08/2017 23:17

In Gino it depends on how much you like her. If you are inviting her as a favour even tough you don't want her there then she's expecting a bit much. If you really love her and want her there then it would've nice to give her a lift.

Original poster
kitkat321 · 25/08/2017 23:19

Chick - appointment is early and between the traffic and the toddler it could be carnage trying to get her there on time plus we're not really geared up for overnight guests

OP posts:
JigglyTuff · 25/08/2017 23:22

Next time I go to a party, I'm going to insist the host drives me home afterwards.

If they don't immediately thrill to the idea, I'm going to tell them they don't really love me and want me there Hmm

Livingdiisgracefully · 25/08/2017 23:24

Some of these replies are unbelieveable. 57 is not elderly or even old. She is perfectly capable of getting home on her own and as pp suggested it's a regular commuting distance for many people.

Please don't be guilted into this OP. You're already been generous in hosting this family event. I know from experience that being a chauffeur can tip things over into you feeling resentful. If anyone should take her home, it's your DB. He's not hosting so HE can miss out on drinking. Especially as they are going partly in the same direction. It's the usual story that the woman is supposed to make all the sacrifices and look after all family members. Sod that.

Original poster
kitkat321 · 25/08/2017 23:25

Jiggly I love you lol!

OP posts:
Judydreamsofhorses · 25/08/2017 23:25

My mum will be 71 next month and zips all over the place on (free or reduced) buses and trains!

Worriedaboutsmear · 25/08/2017 23:27

listsandbudgets
(that said DPs mum is 89)

That's not quite the same then is it? OP's mum is 57. 89 is elderly/possibly frail, 57 is not! That's like comparing somebody's 2 year old DD to somebody's 30 year old DD just because they both happen to be DDs!

Zvandelle · 25/08/2017 23:28

I'm with Jiggly on this one -great big hand of no Grin hilarious!!! She's 57, not 87 ffs, and if it's early evening, no probs. Plus brother for half of the journey! Don't set that precedent by giving her a lift. If it was 10.30 on a Sunday night maybe...
PP said offer her the chance to not come, i agree, not in a horrid way, but a completely matter of fact kind way. She has to start coping without yr Dad. Lovely BBQ at yrs then lovely train journey with yr brother sounds great.

HeddaGarbled · 25/08/2017 23:29

What does "watches" DD on a Monday mean? That's a very interesting choice of word.

You do seem to have a bit of a mean attitude to her if she does your childcare every Monday.