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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To make her get the bus?

260 replies

kitkat321 · 25/08/2017 22:19

Having a BBQ at mine this weekend and have invited family round. My mum lives 35 miles away, doesn't drive but can get a bus then train to ours which will take about an hour then do the same on the way home.

She's initially assumed that after the BBQ I'd be taking her on the 90 minute round trip home.

AIBU or after hosting a BBQ for 8 people and doing all the cooking/prep should I be driving her home?

OP posts:
Original poster
kitkat321 · 25/08/2017 23:30

Yes I mean childcare.

OP posts:
UrsulaPandress · 25/08/2017 23:33

Sheesh. I'm 58. Perfectly capable of getting myself anywhere.

And if I was hosting a BBQ no way would I be running attendees home.

Viviennemary · 25/08/2017 23:33

It's quite a long drive for you I suppose. I think she should stay the night. If she cant then she probably won't want to come. Cant somebody else give her a lift. If not hope they don't expect any favours from her.

sparkleandsunshine · 25/08/2017 23:35

It would really cheese me off it being expected. My mum wouldn't do that to me. And if she is invited somewhere and wants to drink (pretty much every time) she always sorts herself out even if I offer to drive her.
My nanny on the other hand likes to be ferried and is very nervous about everything and is 79, but would never ask, so between the rest of the family we decide who will do it and that person rings and offers.
If you can see that the train is running and she's saying it's not, then she's probably making it up for you to Say "oh I'll give you a lift then". And she'll do it every time. It's not late, she gets the train every other time. She's a grown woman and by the sounds of it not old or feeble. Do whatever you want x

ticketytock1 · 25/08/2017 23:37

Flip sake you only get one mum, give her a lift!
Imagine she took that attitude when raising you!

Original poster
kitkat321 · 25/08/2017 23:39

Tickety- you don't know a thing about her attitude when raising me. She was a children should be seen and not heard mother. Very strict, not affectionate with us. She's very different with dd which is good and while I get the "she's your mother" view, not all mothers are created equal

OP posts:
user1497991628 · 25/08/2017 23:39

YANBU, and you are not "making"her get the bus.

She's an adult woman (not much older than me😵) who chooses not to drive but has a perfectly acceptable and easy way to get home.

It's ridiculous to think that you should have have to ferry her around.

Have a drink and enjoy the barbecue!

user1497991628 · 25/08/2017 23:42

Also loving jiggly 😀

WorraLiberty · 25/08/2017 23:42

AIBU or after hosting a BBQ for 8 people and doing all the cooking/prep should I be driving her home?

I was going to say YANBU until you later posted that you have a DP. Why would you be doing all the cooking/prep etc then? Confused

I'd ask her to get herself over to you and stay the night.

Squarerouteofsquirrel · 25/08/2017 23:43

If if was my mum I would give her a lift, or let her stay overnight and drop back in the morning - get her to re arrange appointment. Her age is irrelevant I would do it because it was my mum, the women that raised me, not some fucking inconvenience.
That said, if your brother is getting the train half way then that's not so bad for her. I would just feel awful waving her off on her own- off you go then go and get your bus/ train whilst we all carry on without you.

ticketytock1 · 25/08/2017 23:45

Sorry kitkat.. obvs didn't know that!

Beeziekn33ze · 25/08/2017 23:45

So does she usually travel to yours on a Monday to 'watch' your toddler DD? And then travel home again?

ticketytock1 · 25/08/2017 23:46

Maybe she can stay over and move her appointment?

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad · 25/08/2017 23:47

I'm baffled that a woman in her 50s can't manage a simple journey by bus and train - my OH (female) is 57 and I'm 53 and we've just completed a road trip each driving two separate cars with nine family members to Normandy and back. My OH regularly makes a two hour commute into London for work and back again. I regularly commute 3 hrs to Sheffield. My mother cycled from Lands End to John O'Groats when she was in her 70s. The idea that a woman in her 50s can't manage a simple journey by public transport is just not something I can get my head around. I think you should enjoy your BBQ, have a drink and your mum can manage her own transport. 57 is not elderly. Even my 83 yr old Dad travels the length and breadth of the country by train.

Mittens1969 · 26/08/2017 00:00

I don't understand this at all! My mum is 77 (78 on 5th Sept) and she still travels to Africa on her own for her work! 57 is no age, she's well capable of getting herself home. There's no suggestion that she isn't well, from what I can gather, and at her age she's probably still working? If she wants to come to the bbq, she's of an age where she can get herself there and back on the bus.

BackforGood · 26/08/2017 00:03

Brother is getting the train - would be the same train as my mum then they'd go their separate ways in town. It wouldn't be night - it would be about 6/7 pm

This ^ information, added to the fact she is only 57, so in no way elderly, makes all the difference.
At first I (and probably a lot of posters) presumed it would finish late into the evening / after dark, and that she was elderly.

In these circumstances, no, I wouldn't give her a lift (or, if it helps, and I'm not far off your Mum's age - I wouldn't expect a lift).

If you are hosting something then you should be able to relax and have a drink. I can't see any reason why she can't get the train, now we know all the facts.

madcatwoman61 · 26/08/2017 00:05

She's 57 - she's not an old woman. I'm 62, I would be perfectly able and willing to do this - I don't expect to be ferried around until I really am incapable

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 26/08/2017 00:07

"No sorry mum, I'll be having a drink or three at the BBQ so not in a fit state to drive after."

Butterymuffin · 26/08/2017 00:09

What appointment has she got on a bank holiday Monday?

'Watches' is the American way of saying 'looks after'.

rainbowstardrops · 26/08/2017 00:20

I also wondered what appointment the mum has on Bank Holiday Monday???
I don't know where you live but public transport is shite here on a Sunday. I know because I have to bloody rely on public transport!
If I had to have an hour's journey back home on said shite then I probably wouldn't attend a BBQ unless it was for a very special occasion.
She's your mum. Personally, I'd have her stay over so that she can help have her drink too and then either drive her back the next morning or she can try to get a train - on Bank Holiday Monday.
I lost my mum 12 years ago so I'd love to be able to have a BBQ and then drive her home again but appreciate that's not your situation.

mumeeee · 26/08/2017 00:29

YANBU. She is 57 which is not old and the BBQ will be finished by 7pm. Also your brother is getting the same train.
I'm 60 and have recently flown to Edinburgh by.myself to go to the Edinburgh Fringe. I have also been other places by.myself. I often catch buses to them.pipllllĺjl

mumeeee · 26/08/2017 00:33

I don't know where that last strange word came from. Hmm. It was supposed to say town or work

RadioGaGoo · 26/08/2017 00:36

Squarer, if the OP thought her mother was an inconvenience, she wouldn't have invited her.

teaandtoast · 26/08/2017 00:40

Ffs, she's 57, not an old lady!

largepinotplease · 26/08/2017 00:41

If I was hosting a BBQ at my house, providing food and drinks I most certainly wouldn't be giving anyone a lift anywhere regardless of family or not! I'd be enjoying my wine thank you very much. My mum wouldn't expect a lift, she'd stay over if that was the case or decline the invitation (she likes a drink herself so wouldn't expect anyone to be designated driver for her) or get an Uber or pre booked cab...

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