She made my wedding hell, now it's her wedding...

[NoNameNoGame]

So a few years ago I got married and my (Not So Darling) Sister literally made me feel like crap during the run up to my wedding and on my actual wedding day.

Reason being that DH's brother was her ex and cheated on her and is now married to this girl with kids. My NSDS would say stuff like I don't care about your wedding, your loyalty should like with me, I can't help it if I need to cry at your wedding and will go in the toilets. She never attended my engagement or my hen. She sat there on my wedding day with a face on her, to the point where people were commenting as to why she looks so miserable.

We didn't talk for about 3 years until 1.5 years ago she apologised (she was forced to) and it was very half hearted. Things are around 80% normal now.

She is getting married in 6 weeks, and all she seems to go on is about her wedding and how she is doing this and having that... Now I'm not a nasty person and would never wish anybody to have an awful wedding no matter what the situation was, I would keep my thoughts to myself and wish them nothing but the best on the best day of their life. But half of me feels so upset that I was robbed of enjoying the run up to the wedding and the actual day itself. I used to literally cry everyday and have panic attacks and have developed anxiety as a result. She is now making all these demand of outfits we should wear, and how we walk up the aisle. And all I can think about is how she ruined my perfect day and has no shame or remorse about what she said and did to me.

If I say anything it could trigger another huge argument and make my anxiety even worse. Plus I wouldn't want to ruin her wedding day and also make myself look like a fool. There have been times I have had to bite my tongue from making remarks. I am really dreading the wedding.

AIBU to think like this?...

I wouldn't go. She sounds like hard work.

I feel for you OP you are in a very difficult situation.

I have no advice, sorry.

But if someone could post a picture of the wedding with the sister dressed as the ring bearer from lord of the rings (because it is what a wedding should be about, not a dig at the OP)

That would be good

I have some sympathy with the sister here. It is horrific to be cheated on. Instead of your poor sister being able to permanently cut contact (and therefore be able to heal) with her cheating partner and his OW, that pair have become your BIL and SIL! If you have kids, that pair are their uncle and aunt. I can see why your sister was distressed at the prospect of her cheating ex and ow becoming part of your family.

Whilst she shouldn't have caused you stress and anxiety, I would have absolutely hated to be in her position. My sister getting married, but guests are my cheating ex and ow

I'd go to the wedding and be pleasant for the sake of the family, but I wouldn't go to the hen, I'd wear what I wanted, I wouldn't help her with anything and I wouldn't go out of my way at all.

I feel sorry for your sister, as she had to face her ex and the ow, I'd hate that too. But I'd plaster on a smile for the sake of my sister's wedding day! You were in an impossible situation. Putting such a downer on your wedding day was not acceptable at all but I think you need to develop a thicker skin if I'm being honest...

Nod and smile. Nod and smile. And let it all wash over you.

'Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die' I think that's the quote and god is it true.
Go, be the grown up and the bigger person, behave yourself and don't do anything that would embarrass you or your sister or your family. There's clearly more mending to done in your relationship with her but you can decide later whether or not that's something that you want to, a family wedding is not the time or the place. Even if she hasn't yet she will one day look back on her own behaviour at your wedding and feel genuine remorse. Sometimes that's something that just comes with age. She'll make it up to you one day. She's a sister, not a friend who will drift out of your life, you two will have each other for a long time if you allow it.

I would absolutely be firmly and politely refusing to attend. Your NSDS sounds like a spoilt brat and having to go to this ridiculous wedding would be my idea of hell. If either she or your parents kick off then remind them of how your wedding day was ruined by her nasty behaviour.

If I were you I would go and try to have a good time (I mean it's your family attending too!) what I would do if I were you is speak to your sister and tell her how you feel. Tell her how she affected your wedding and how you feel. You never know, she may even apologise now she knows how it feels to be getting married!

The 'OW' was by then married to her BIL to be, how could she not be invited???!!!

OP says that the BIL is married to the OW now, but I'm not sure that was the case at the time of OP's wedding. If she was just BIL girlfriend, I'm not sure that it was essential to invite her considering the circumstances.

Wow, FizzyGreenWater, you sound completely vile. Plunging her into hell? Words fail me.

I like to think that I would go and be the bigger person, but the reality is that she tainted what should be a really special and important day in a couples life. So much so that other people noticed and commented. At best it was genuine heartbreak in which case she should have said to op I really cant come, or it could have been attention seeking behaviour, only ds knows for sure.

OP I understand the resentment and hurt that you are probably feeling, watching your ds get the day you hoped for, and I dont really know what is best only you do, but I suggest go with your gut feeling.

I read this somewhere; holding onto anger is like holding on to a hot coal, it only hurts you. I do think its true letting go can be very liberating, I say that as someone who was holding onto a lot of resentment and hate

good luck with whatever you do

Papafran - apologies. It was tongue in cheek. Perhaps I should have linked that very silly thread. Involving 'plunging' a bride into a hell where small Sylvanian Family figures have been arranged to climb all the curtains at the wedding reception, etc.

Not a real hell with fire and death etc.

I was 90% joking about the cheese/fish.

Must go find that old thread...TidyDancer's, wasn't it? The Gluezilla?!

I had people play up before my big day. My dad went quiet with me cos people were in his earhole. The day went already but annoyed how people caused uncalled for stress.

As for your sister.. 2 wrongs dont make a right. Is it worth showing yourself up? She was wrong for what she did. She half added apologized probably the best you're gonna get out of her. Just give her a wide berth.

Must go find that old thread..TidyDancer's, wasn't it? The Gluezilla?!

yes it was, that was just a jaw dropping thread

Ah, sorry. I had not read the other thread. It's hard to tell sometimes whether something is lighthearted (without emojis). Apologies

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/1807864-to-say-no-to-this-request-from-a-friend

and on to threads 2, 3 and 4.

if anyone fancies losing the rest of their evening...

Papafran no probs my lovely

Your sis sounds like an immature dick so to be fair I wouldn't be particularly excited about celebrating her day either. Thought at first her break up with the ex was maybe a recent thing so it could have been painful but TWO YEARS LATER?? She should have been able to act like a grown up for a few hours and if she really wasn't capable then explained it would be less stressful all round if she declined the invitation. Not showed up with a face like a smacked arse and behaved like a huffy teenager.

Guess it sounds unavoidable for you to go but I certainly wouldn't be doing her any favours or extravagant gifts etc. Like previous posters have said it's probably best to be civil and the bigger person. Alternatively show up in your own wedding dress and announce "surprise! DH and I are renewing our vows here today."

Another one who wouldn't go. I simply just would not be able to bring myself to do it.

Fake illness. Have your own lovely day at home.

Given that you had spent years dreaming about your perfect wedding if it hadn't been this it would have been something else.

Your sister's long face probably saved you from realising a fork wasn't straight.

Even several years on I'd be petty unhappy about a social event with a man who cheated on me - and the woman.

She should have stayed civil - but sounds like you had an empathy bypass over it.

Well that said yeah I wouldn't have let it ruin the day would just have ignored her and got on with enjoying the rest of it.

OP stop over thinking it all and feeding into your anxiety. Quite simply discuss with your DH and then do whatever will have the best outcome for you, both on the day itself and in the future.

Once you''ve decided then that's boxed off so don't go over and over it. It's sorted, just get on with it.

It really can be that simple if you let it be.

Be the better person and go but write her a letter (that your parents have red prior) spelling out your hurt.

Not going to the wedding is a bit unforgivable actually - but she needs to apologise with sincerity. If she doesn't do this then cut her out. But I wouldn't ruin her big day back else you are just the same OP.

Write this kind of letter to a person like this and she will have ammunition forever...

Tell her to her face, no witnesses and if she kicks off, deny, deny deny...

She's a complete cow and while you pander to her bonkers behaviour, she'll never change

Oh God do NOT write her a letter. Unless you don't intend to send it and just want to write it for catharsis (which would be a very good idea). Do people realise how passive aggressive and cowardly those stupid letters are? They're a way of having your say without having to actually confront the person or give them an equal means of response (unless you plan to carry out all of your communications through writing from now on).

They get people's backs up and they make you look stupid. If all you want to do is let someone know how pissed off you are, have at it, but if you actually want to resolve something, genuinely, steer clear of this godawful strategy.

I still don't know whether you should go or not, but I do think you should own whichever decision you make. If you go, don't be passive aggressive and snarky about it. However justified you feel, people will not see it that way and you WILL just look petty and stupid. If you don't think you can go and be civil and normal, then stay home. But if you stay home, don't try to compound it with stupid letters or anything else dumb. Go graciously, or stay home and stay silent.