She made my wedding hell, now it's her wedding...

[NoNameNoGame]

So a few years ago I got married and my (Not So Darling) Sister literally made me feel like crap during the run up to my wedding and on my actual wedding day.

Reason being that DH's brother was her ex and cheated on her and is now married to this girl with kids. My NSDS would say stuff like I don't care about your wedding, your loyalty should like with me, I can't help it if I need to cry at your wedding and will go in the toilets. She never attended my engagement or my hen. She sat there on my wedding day with a face on her, to the point where people were commenting as to why she looks so miserable.

We didn't talk for about 3 years until 1.5 years ago she apologised (she was forced to) and it was very half hearted. Things are around 80% normal now.

She is getting married in 6 weeks, and all she seems to go on is about her wedding and how she is doing this and having that... Now I'm not a nasty person and would never wish anybody to have an awful wedding no matter what the situation was, I would keep my thoughts to myself and wish them nothing but the best on the best day of their life. But half of me feels so upset that I was robbed of enjoying the run up to the wedding and the actual day itself. I used to literally cry everyday and have panic attacks and have developed anxiety as a result. She is now making all these demand of outfits we should wear, and how we walk up the aisle. And all I can think about is how she ruined my perfect day and has no shame or remorse about what she said and did to me.

If I say anything it could trigger another huge argument and make my anxiety even worse. Plus I wouldn't want to ruin her wedding day and also make myself look like a fool. There have been times I have had to bite my tongue from making remarks. I am really dreading the wedding.

AIBU to think like this?...

I've only read the first 100 posts on this but I thought... why not send a cardboard cut out of yourself with such a face on you to be situated at the top table, and then you wouldn't have to attend this wedding. You could provide alternative faces for the photos but the important thing would be that you don't have to put on a show or behave in a certain way. You wouldn't be there.

Oh my god, that other thread by TidyDancer is hilarious. But seriously, the sister in this one is not remotely as bad as the bride in that one.

You invited the OW, you put her before your sister. You were, and still are, the unreasonable one.

Haha I remember the TidyDancer one it was proper mental. Also on a sort of related wedding ruining/thunder stealing note saw this recently

YANBU to think what you do. Personally I wouldn't act on it. I would be the better person to keep the peace for myself and for my parents. You sound like a decent person the guilt of upsetting her may make you feel worse.

I can only hope in the build up to such a special time it occurs to her how badly she behaved and how much it matters. That said it might not.

Obviously if it is going to cause you such anxiety it effects your mental health don't go.

There has to be rules about this sort of thing. Like not letting your best friend date your brother/sister. Sisters shouldn't date brothers. Makes for an easier life all round.

I wouldn't go - tell her truthfully that you have developed anxiety due to your own wedding day and cannot face a panic attack. Let her chew on that one.

Wear a wedding dress and skip up and down the aisle

Be a bigger person that her. Show her how a decent person behaves at their sister's wedding- with dignity and decorum.

Don't enter into any conversation about her wedding, remind her how upsetting yours was because your own sister couldn't be happy for you.
Just attend the wedding.

Or you could invite one of your future dh ex's to the wedding just to even it up a bit.

Sounds awful and something you have never forgotten. I wouldn't go. Just to make you feel better, my mother turned up to my wedding wearing black (with just a touch of green on her hat). I, too, have never forgotten. Attention-seeking and unpleasant.

OP so much of this resonates with me & my wedding. Totally ruined the build up & the day by DM & Dsis. I look back & think of some of the things they said to me in the run up & cant believe I just put up with it. I will never get that day back & they ruined it!

Now I don't know what I would do if my Dsis got married, bite by tongue & be the bigger person as always - which is what is always expected of me, but who knows...

No real advice OP but just to let you know I know how it feels to have your big day ruined by family. What is she like in real life, does she have form for acting up in other situations?

Rise above it and be the better person. Tell her clearly you are prepared to do x and y, but not z, if you have to do z then unfortunately you will not be able to go. Establish your boundaries and don't stoop to her level.

You sound like a decent person, do the decent thing and go, but put an end to the cycle of her nonsense now by not engaging with it.

She made an arse of herself at your wedding and she has to live with that. I and be the bigger person, it is her problem not yours, she embarressed herself, i would go have a brilliant time and be the life and soul of the party, that way everyone knows that you arent an arse to your sister but she was immature enough to be an arse to you. Let it go it is water under the bridge you cant go back :)

You cried every day and had panic attacks because your sister was miserable at your wedding? You do know this is not a normal reaction don't you? You sound very very high maintenance and immature.

I think you're doing the right thing by going but not having a major role like MOH.

I think that both sisters have behaved badly. OP shouldn't have invited OW and the sister should have controlled her emotions better.

Expecting the perfect day was always going to end in disaster. Sorry. You married the love of your life and living happily together so congratulations to your perfect ending.

Tell the spoilt bitch to piss off. A few home truths might knock the princess down a peg or two.

She did not 'make your wedding hell' - she let her upset show.

Be the bigger person.
Don't look for any kind of come back from your sister now.

After the wedding, in the future when all the stress and hype about wedding days is a memory have an honest conversation about how your felt/feel.

Tbh, I feel that she overreacted then and that you are in danger of overreacting now.

Sometimes you have to be the better person. Which I know is very hard. I can't abide my sister she has run up debt and ruined my wedding by smashing a window. However, I would still be there for her as I don't want to be anything like her.

Regards,
Louise

Sorry meant debt in my name.

She has acted childish and rude! I would never treat a member of my family that way!
However you suffer with anxiety and my best advice to you is to not retaliate. (I suffer from anxiety and panic attacks and confrontation really doesn't help).
You've already done amazing as you could have made remarks but haven't.
Go to her wedding. Be the bigger person. Smile and be happy. Don't drink so you can stay clear headed. You really don't want to do anything that you will regret.
It's a shame your sister couldn't give you the same respect...

Although I have seen your comment about attending but not being a big part of the wedding.
It was exactly what I was going to advice. It's is completely ok to tell your NSDS and your parents that you are still suffering from anxiety and weddings make it worse. If pushed you can tell your parents it has a lot to do with ur sister and how she treated your wedding and you don't want to do the same to her so removing yourself from certain situations will make it work.
If your sister throws a fit just keep calm tell her it's up to her, you either take a step back and just attend as a guest or you don't attend at all.
Don't stay it's because she ruined your wedding as that will just make it worse and she'll accuse you of trying to do the same to her now

I would say to her in order for you to maintain a good relationship with her in future you have decided you will not attend her wedding or hen as she ruined yours and you have not forgotten or forgiven it.

that, times 17 million times!!!

Can't believe she would treat u like that about your wedding, shocking, what's supposed to be one of the happiest days of your life she tried to spoil by acting like a selfish little brat!

Could she have been jealous?

Can't really say about her wedding but u must he fuming inside, revenge can be a sweet thing but you don't want to go and do something then regret it.. You could be the bigger person and either turn down the invite down or go along with it..

Show you are better than her and can rise above it all and attend both hen and wedding parties.