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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to take my son to this event?

436 replies

ShadeOfRed · 23/08/2017 16:39

Ive name changed incase this is identifiable.

I have a 9yo DS. His dad and I split up when he was 6 months old, and he has been with his now wife since DS was 1. We all get on fairly well.

About 4 years ago, my son's stepmum started taking him to a martial arts class on a weekly basis. She also started having lessons herself so she could help him practice, which I obviously appreciate. I have never really been involved with it because it has very much been their 'thing' with DS and has always been done on their time with him. His stepmum takes him to 2 lessons a week and also practices at home with him. I should add that they have paid for all of this (I'm guessing actually his stepmum pays as she is the high earner).

Anyway, a few years later and it turns our DS is VERY good at this and has been invited to take place in a sort of showcase/tournament overseas in a city I have always wanted to visit. The event is on a weekend that DS is with me and my husband so I want us to take him and make a bit of a holiday out of it. We would also take my two younger daughters (who I have had with my current DH) and my mum who can babysit them when we watch the event.

When my ex told me the dates I said I would get back to him to let him know if we could swap weekends, and I have now let him know that actually DH and I will be taking DS. He has gotten really upset about it (apparently his wife, my son's stepmum, is in tears) as they wanted to be there to cheer him on. There are only 2 tickets allocated per child so we can't all go, and as well as we all get on I really wouldn't want to spend a whole 3 day even with them.

I honestly don't think I am doing anything wrong as it is my weekend with my DS and I am not obliged to swap. He has never competed in an event like this before and I think it's important for him to see his mum in the crowd cheering him on! But I mentioned this to my sister and she seems to think IABU and she has made me doubt myself. Should I be letting his dad and stepmum take him?

OP posts:
helsinkihelen · 29/08/2017 12:29

Yes, absolutely this.

paulapantsdown · 29/08/2017 12:38

So the SM has compromised and OP has got her own way. I'm glad for the children is that it will appear that his entire family will be there cheering him on, but you didn't really give a shit about his hobby until there was a nice weekend away at stake did you?!

There will have been yearly gradings and competitions for any martial arts in draughty gyms and community centres over the last four years, but they have been of no interest to you.

Thebfg75 · 29/08/2017 12:49

Sorry op, I can see why you'd like to go and if there were enough tickets I'd suggest that you all went. However, he is good because they paid for the lessons, supported him and practised with him. This is their hobby that they share. I think you're being mean to swoop in and take the fun/glory bit after they've done all the hard work. I also think you would cause unnecessary bad feeling between you.

helsinkihelen · 29/08/2017 12:59

I meant to reply absolutely this to what kmc111 said. The more I think about this, the more, sadly either thoughtless or self absorbed the OP seems. I couldn't imagine not following the progress of one of my children, whether they are good at something or not. Sounds like he's put his heart and soul into training to be this proficient and for the mum only just be aware after all these years is actually concerning. He must have come home and talked about his competitions etc. And if he hasn't - why hasn't he? Sadly the swooping in for a cheap holiday where son's competition is not the focus has been covered quite comprehensively :-(

Geordie1944 · 21/09/2017 17:32

I have never really been involved with it because it has very much been their 'thing' with DS.......His stepmum takes him to 2 lessons a week and also practices at home with him.........they have paid for all of this........a few years later and it turns our DS is VERY good at this and has been invited to take place in a sort of showcase/tournament overseas in a city I have always wanted to visit.........apparently his wife, my son's stepmum, is in tears) as they wanted to be there to cheer him on........I really wouldn't want to spend a whole day even with them.........and - all of a sudden - I think it's important for him to see his mum in the crowd cheering him on!

Advice to the OP: read that lot as if it had been written by someone else, and ask yourself what sort of person she is.

If you don't see her as over-entitled, selfish, opportunistic and heedless of the feelings of others, then I'm afraid you are wasting my time. [I have added the words "all of a sudden" as a clue].

notagain123456 · 22/09/2017 15:24

i think it is lovely that you have come to this arrangement. The only people that matter are the people involved and if your son and his step mum are happy then ignore other posters.

If a step mum had come on here saying i want to take my step child abroad for an event but dont want his mum to come everyone would be flaming her!

I think its wonderful that you can co parent so well.

notagain123456 · 22/09/2017 15:26

i also think it is nice that you let the step mum form a bond doing an activity they both enjoy. There is no reason why you shouldnt go to the event. I'm sure you would go to a big event in the UK too so its not just about the holiday.

Willow2017 · 22/09/2017 15:46

Notagain

Op has NEVER gone to a UK event in 4 YEARS. But funny how this one is at a place she has "always wanted to go to" isn't it?
You are right sm didn't get much choice 'only' being a sm and all. She has had 4 years of taking ops son around the country to UK events and to weekly training but his mum suddenly wants to go so she had to stand aside at an important event for both did and herself to let op go too. Op could have stayed in another hotel. Could have bought her own tickets to the event but she chose to push sm aside despite the fact she has no clue about the sport or the prep her son needed the night before and before the event. No clue as to where he had to be in event location etc etc. Would only be spending a minimal time at the event place due to sharing a ticket. Wonder what she would be doing the rest of the time?
Don't tell me you are not able to see the real reason op wanted to go to this city.

shakingmyhead1 · 22/09/2017 15:49

I think YOU are very very lucky!
she obviously loves him and wants the best for him,
not many step parents really really love the step children and not many would step aside and let you take some of the event off them so graciously,
im glad you came to an arrangement to share,
but please let her have the bulk of the times,
she has done the hard yards here and she has shown she thinks he is someone special in his life...
not many kids can say a step parent has been so supportive or loving.

AimeeNoOneTheSamee · 22/09/2017 15:53

How would you feel if it were the other way round?
It's their activity, I personally would have them go but ask them to film it all.

RebelRogue · 22/09/2017 16:06

It's been a month now since OP posted, I'm sure they've sorted it out somehow

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