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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to take my son to this event?

436 replies

ShadeOfRed · 23/08/2017 16:39

Ive name changed incase this is identifiable.

I have a 9yo DS. His dad and I split up when he was 6 months old, and he has been with his now wife since DS was 1. We all get on fairly well.

About 4 years ago, my son's stepmum started taking him to a martial arts class on a weekly basis. She also started having lessons herself so she could help him practice, which I obviously appreciate. I have never really been involved with it because it has very much been their 'thing' with DS and has always been done on their time with him. His stepmum takes him to 2 lessons a week and also practices at home with him. I should add that they have paid for all of this (I'm guessing actually his stepmum pays as she is the high earner).

Anyway, a few years later and it turns our DS is VERY good at this and has been invited to take place in a sort of showcase/tournament overseas in a city I have always wanted to visit. The event is on a weekend that DS is with me and my husband so I want us to take him and make a bit of a holiday out of it. We would also take my two younger daughters (who I have had with my current DH) and my mum who can babysit them when we watch the event.

When my ex told me the dates I said I would get back to him to let him know if we could swap weekends, and I have now let him know that actually DH and I will be taking DS. He has gotten really upset about it (apparently his wife, my son's stepmum, is in tears) as they wanted to be there to cheer him on. There are only 2 tickets allocated per child so we can't all go, and as well as we all get on I really wouldn't want to spend a whole 3 day even with them.

I honestly don't think I am doing anything wrong as it is my weekend with my DS and I am not obliged to swap. He has never competed in an event like this before and I think it's important for him to see his mum in the crowd cheering him on! But I mentioned this to my sister and she seems to think IABU and she has made me doubt myself. Should I be letting his dad and stepmum take him?

OP posts:
EsmeeMerlin · 23/08/2017 16:52

They have invested time and money into his hobby, I think it would be wrong for them not to be there at the event. It is very much their thing with him by your own admission.

unfortunateevents · 23/08/2017 16:52

"Surely now it's important for him to see his mum supporting him too" Sometime over the past four years might have been the time for you think about that, not when he is competing in an international event in a nice city! How about you turn up to one of his competitions in a draughty hall in the arse end of nowhere instead?!

Hont1986 · 23/08/2017 16:52

YA definitely BU. It's clear that you just see this as a chance at a subsidised holiday and have no particular interest in his event.

Schroedingerscatagain · 23/08/2017 16:53

Take a deep breath step back and reverse the situation, imagine it was something your now DH had done to build a relationship with your DS

It's a glory moment and then your ex DH says oh we're going to take him as it's our weekend how would you feel? How would your dh feel?

Be a big person and let them do it, your son will recognise your sacrifice and know that everyone is putting him first

If you really want to make it a great weekend go, host dinner and celebrate as an entire family and be grateful that he has a step mum who cares so much for your DS

ChasedByBees · 23/08/2017 16:53

I can see why they are upset too. Could you go anyway and see your son straight after and go to the next one?

ineedamoreadultieradult · 23/08/2017 16:54

I kind of hope it's not a reverse as as it stands we might be able to change the OPs mind and sense will prevail. If it's a reverse all we've done is agree with stepmum which won't change anything.

WooWooSister · 23/08/2017 16:54

As PPs have said, YABU. His stepmum has devoted a lot of time, energy and money to this hobby. She deserves to see him take part.
If it's important to you that he see you supporting his hobby, you could have offered to sit in on any of the boring classes in your own city rather than waiting till the location corresponded with somewhere you want to visit.
It's odd that this is even a question for you. I hope you haven't had these conversations with your DS. He'll have been so proud of his achievement and now it's getting embroiled in a 'right to tickets' issue Sad

titchy · 23/08/2017 16:55

If it was in the arse end of nowhere would you still want to go? Bet his SM would go though....

FrancisCrawford · 23/08/2017 16:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PeppaPigTastesLikeBacon · 23/08/2017 16:55

I can see why they are upset. His step mum has been the one doing it with him. It's their thing. You should let them take him. If you want to go to that place then do it another time. Allow them to do this together

Mama234 · 23/08/2017 16:55

I almost think this is a reverse as the op was so honest about all the effort the step mum puts in.
If you are the step mum I hope you do get to go, You deserve to after all the effort you put into your stepson, What a fantastic step mum!

twoheaped · 23/08/2017 16:56

You are seriously out of order.
I can fully sympathise with the step mum. It is her thing, her financial outlay and you only want to muscle in when there is some glory to be had.
Wrong of you, very wrong.

MrsJakeLovell · 23/08/2017 16:56

YABVVVU

Your son may in any case draw confidence from his step mum being there - she is the one with some knowledge and has been there with him to date. His performance may depend on the relationship he has developed with her. If she is not there it may actually adversely affect his performance.

OnionKnight · 23/08/2017 16:58

YABU.

I like how you're suddenly interested because it's in a city that you want to visit Hmm

PinkSnowAndStars · 23/08/2017 16:59

You are being unreasonable. You should swap weekends and let them take him.

WorraLiberty · 23/08/2017 16:59

YABU

But he already sees that they support him in this, surely now it's important for him to see his mum supporting him too?

Surely he's known for the past 4 years that you support him in what he's doing?

There is absolutely no need for you to muscle in on the event.

MadamePomfrey · 23/08/2017 17:01

Yabu they have spent the hours taking him to class practicing at home and fully supporting him in this activity. If you want to show you support him you could go to local tourments. your post reads that you want to go to this event as it's somewhere you want to visit, stepmum and dad would go if it was anywhere. Let them go if this is going to be an on going thing then come up with a plan between you for going forward

user1468353179 · 23/08/2017 17:02

YABU. His step-mum has done all the hard work, it's only fair that her and your ex H go. It sounds like you're more interested in having a break.

Batteriesallgone · 23/08/2017 17:04

How about you turn up to one of his competitions in a draughty hall in the arse end of nowhere instead?!

This! You can support him here, bit of a coincidence you want to start supporting him when you can combine it with a lovely holiday Confused

WiganPierre · 23/08/2017 17:05

I would want to go too, OP. Why don't you go to the events on your weekends and the Dad and Stepmother on their weekends. Sounds fair to me to take it in turns rather than keeping swapping weekends whenever there's a competition.

FanwankTheAbsurd · 23/08/2017 17:05

I call reverse.

The stepmom should be the one going with him.

YogiYoni · 23/08/2017 17:06

This has got to be a reverse.

If it happened as it's described here, Dad and stepmum should be going.

GherkinSnatch · 23/08/2017 17:07

Yeah what they all said. It's really not fair to suddenly decide it your turn to support him because it coincides with a visit to a city you want to go to.

I'd be honestly asking myself if would I be this keen to go if it in a local draughty sports hall.

TroelsLovesSquinkies · 23/08/2017 17:07

VV unreasonable op Let him go with Dad and SM. It's like you are trying to steal their thunder.

AradiasDaughter · 23/08/2017 17:08

YABU for all the reasons above.