To want to take my son to this event?

[ShadeOfRed]

Ive name changed incase this is identifiable.

I have a 9yo DS. His dad and I split up when he was 6 months old, and he has been with his now wife since DS was 1. We all get on fairly well.

About 4 years ago, my son's stepmum started taking him to a martial arts class on a weekly basis. She also started having lessons herself so she could help him practice, which I obviously appreciate. I have never really been involved with it because it has very much been their 'thing' with DS and has always been done on their time with him. His stepmum takes him to 2 lessons a week and also practices at home with him. I should add that they have paid for all of this (I'm guessing actually his stepmum pays as she is the high earner).

Anyway, a few years later and it turns our DS is VERY good at this and has been invited to take place in a sort of showcase/tournament overseas in a city I have always wanted to visit. The event is on a weekend that DS is with me and my husband so I want us to take him and make a bit of a holiday out of it. We would also take my two younger daughters (who I have had with my current DH) and my mum who can babysit them when we watch the event.

When my ex told me the dates I said I would get back to him to let him know if we could swap weekends, and I have now let him know that actually DH and I will be taking DS. He has gotten really upset about it (apparently his wife, my son's stepmum, is in tears) as they wanted to be there to cheer him on. There are only 2 tickets allocated per child so we can't all go, and as well as we all get on I really wouldn't want to spend a whole 3 day even with them.

I honestly don't think I am doing anything wrong as it is my weekend with my DS and I am not obliged to swap. He has never competed in an event like this before and I think it's important for him to see his mum in the crowd cheering him on! But I mentioned this to my sister and she seems to think IABU and she has made me doubt myself. Should I be letting his dad and stepmum take him?

could you all go so he sees you coming to support then you can do that and see the city but then allow sm to go to actual event to see his showing.

Yab very mean and not supporting the healthy dynamic your posts otherwise suggests

If you're still not sure you could ask the child on question, but then you're putting clear pressure - not fair either

I'd back off, do the adult thing and be gracious here - let them take him but perhaps do something else special with him before he goes so he knows he has your support too due to the limit on tix

I don't think OP is coming back.

Hopefully she'll have read and absorbed the concerns of people who understand what these kind of competitions are like.

3 months time.
SM I know it's not our weekend to have DS, but can we have him Xmas weekend this year..
DM Yes that will be fine, How about we have bring him over christmas Eve and you have a few more days with him afterwards.
SM, Thanks, we found a show we thought he would like to see. unless you would like to come as well, as it worked out so well with the Sports thing..

Oh look a family that can spend time together...

Pull the other one mummmy you're making out like SM is new on the scene and they are still working things out.

She's been around for years, clearly loves the boy as evidenced by her commitment to him and his sport and OPs jealousy that he might prefer his stepmum.

She's been incredibly gracious over this without raising any of the reasonable objections made here which makes me wonder if she's used to having the 'I'm his mum' rank card pulled and having to make compromises.

OP realistically only has a few more years she can behave like this before DS stops innocently believing his mum is lovely and looks a bit more critically at her actions. Will he like what he sees?

'Looks round at own kids, step-kids, kids half siblings, DP's sometimes crazy Ex, my own kids often irrational step mum, my OWN Step mother and step inlaws, and laughs quietly at Becotide.'

Yeah Becotide I haven't got a clue about the issues

I'd suggest family therapy if you are really struggling to navigate the complexities of a blended family Bec. Or take a leaf out of the OPs book

People need to read the whole thread. The OP worked things out and handled things really well in the end. Back off her a little, yeah.

To be honest o can't see why you can't share, maybe you go one day and the others go for the other two days? Does it work like that?

When my dd does her dance shows her dad comes and watches - he's never taken her, bought her dance stuff, practised with her, washed her clothes etc - I don't think it's unfair that he turns up to watch her show

I don't understand why this is unfair to the step mother, surely she'd want the child to have lots of support?

The other thing you could do is go away for the weekend and meet up for tea or something? Get the best of both worlds - yes you may not watch the martial arts thing but at least you're there

Would you be so keen to go if it wasn't a city you'd always wanted to visit so you could make it a holiday? It won't be a holiday, someone, should be you as his parent will have to chaperone your son to the event and the training sessions before hand. Trust me, I've done it. You will see very little of this city apart from the inside of a sports hall full of sweaty people. If you've never been before you won't know any of the other parents so be prepared to feel excluded. It can be cliquey, and these people could be resentful towards you stepping in for step mum and see you as a glory hunter. Also think who is best to accompany your son - probably someone who also participates in the sport, who can give advice, support etc i.e. Step mum. So yes yabu and you should swap weekends.

Sorry but I think you're treading on her toes. I know you are his mother but it's her who has put all the time/effort/money into this for him so it's her who should get the reward of seeing him compete. You can't just step in, play the mother card and take the glory for it. Swap weekends and don't be petty.

Unfortunately I think everyone's right, he needs his dad and step mum for this one - couldn't you meet up with him out there afterwards and have a holiday with him? He could get an extra week's holiday that way and it would really show him EVERYONE was right behind him and he wasn't responsible (in his eyes) for any squabbling between his two families. You're a lovely mum letting him do all this with his step mum and being grateful for it, but she truly does sound like a great step mum wanting to do all this with him, you're very lucky that they have this great relationship and she is the one who can pep talk specifics with him if he gets any wobbles beforehand. Be fabulous,, thank the step mum and say sorry you got it a bit wrong on reflection and of course she must take him but could you please compromise and collect him afterwards (once they've had their celebratory meal or whatever) and spend a few days wherever it is with him. Good luck anyway!

With respect YABVU his step mum has done all of this and it really is only right she goes. Maybe you should have tried to see him training a long time ago. I understand it's your weekend but it doesn't sound that you have been remotely interested before this. Please don't take this as slating you because it isn't, non of us have a right to do that. But from lots of experience with martial arts I assure you there will be lots of things where more than 2 people can go and watch

Holly at my son's competitions the parents don't just watch. There's a lot of hanging around in between fights so we spend that time sparring and talking strategy. After each bout we chat about what went wrong, what went right, how to proceed. I also help him with his clothes and protectors and check the schedule to make sure he's at the right place at the right time with what he needs. It's very different to just watching a performance.

I think this is a huge part of what people are concerned about. His chaperone is supposed to help him with this stuff and if the OP and step mum are tagging in and out and the OP has younger kids to worry about and doesn't really understand it all then it's going to be hard on the lad.

Anyway, hopefully the OP will chat a bit more with the step mum about it all and figure it all out. I hope he does great and has an amazing time. It sounds like an amazing opportunity for him.

Oops, stepmum not sternum. And I meant you and your family can be there afterwards to hopefully congratulate DS.

Sorry, also guilty of not reading all of them - tbf there were so many and as they start to get nasty and snipey I stop reading! Great there's been some compromise, and the OP has shown great humility (and a very thick skin). To whomever it was that said you are childless unless you have a biological child can I please, on behalf of all adoptive parents, ask you to politely rethink that.

I think your comment "she is childless" is incredibly naive and crass.

She has invested her time, effort, passion and money on her stepson and she obviously thinks of that boy as her family.

Even if she did have children, the commitment and time shown to your son would still be an amazing thing.

If there is a main or final event at this showcase she should have absolute priority on those events and yourself the lesser ones.

You owe her more than a bunch of flowers will ever cover, and you do need to rethink how you view her importance and commitment to your son.

Weemouse she never called her childish. RTFT

I'm wrong sorry mouse.

I think there's two issues at play here. Notwithstanding who should go to the event, for me it would depend on the situation regarding weekend swaps.

If Op's ex is awkward about swaps then I wouldn't. If it's amicable where swaps happen for a variety of reasons I would

There's quite a few threads about SPs who very much want other children out of the way. She sounds amazing.
Sorry, but although that's a great result, they're now having to find expensive accommodation after it is her who has put all of the effort (and money?) into his lessons. The assumption that it is so much more affordable if you're childless always annoys me a bit and can come across as childless = last priority. Especially as quite a bit of her own money and time has been invested in your son.

Big cross post with wee mouse while writing!

HorridHenryRule that really tickled me, the' RTFT' followed by an apology for not reading the thread yourself - you cheered up the thread no end ;-)

Jacques

So you would punish your son for his fathers actions and disrupt a huge event in his chosen sport to get your own back. Despite the fact you have had NOTHING to do with the sport for 4 years and his sm has done it all.

Wow!

3 months time.
SM I know it's not our weekend to have DS, but can we have him Xmas weekend this year*..
DM Yes that will be fine, How about we have bring him over christmas Eve and you have a few more days with him afterwards.
SM, Thanks, we found a show we thought he would like to see. unless you would like to come as well, as it worked out so well with the Sports thing..

Oh look a family that can spend time together...

WTAF has this got to do with the sporting event?

ANYONE can invite someone over for Xmas. Not anyone can spend 4 years supporting a child in his chosen hobby. For example sitting in a mini bus for 8 hours going to a competition, crashing out in a hotel then up at sparrow fart to get to arena and then 6 hours in a noisy stadium for a competition then 8 hours coming home with your bones shaking in a mini bus is no fun for anyone unless they are competing or are kids who think its a big adventure.

Going to classes up to 3 times a week to prepare for grading, competitions, learning a new language, practicing possible questions they will be asked at grading (in said language) etc etc etc.

OP has not done ANY of this yet wants to be there purely because she wants a weekend holiday in that city. She will have no clue about what happens in a competition, no clue where her son should be at any given time, no clue as to whether he is doing well or not, no clue as to how to prepare him. HIS SM WILL.

*Today 10:45 Willow2017

Jacques

So you would punish your son for his fathers actions and disrupt a huge event in his chosen sport to get your own back. Despite the fact you have had NOTHING to do with the sport for 4 years and his sm has done it all.

Wow!*

Yeah that's just what I said.

It must be very difficult to be in a split family situation where one partner calls the shots and I'd be loathe to start a precedent if there's been issues previously.

But given I only have a daughter and a very amicable relationship with my ex and step-mum where we swap contact regularly I'll "wow" right back atcha