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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to take my son to this event?

436 replies

ShadeOfRed · 23/08/2017 16:39

Ive name changed incase this is identifiable.

I have a 9yo DS. His dad and I split up when he was 6 months old, and he has been with his now wife since DS was 1. We all get on fairly well.

About 4 years ago, my son's stepmum started taking him to a martial arts class on a weekly basis. She also started having lessons herself so she could help him practice, which I obviously appreciate. I have never really been involved with it because it has very much been their 'thing' with DS and has always been done on their time with him. His stepmum takes him to 2 lessons a week and also practices at home with him. I should add that they have paid for all of this (I'm guessing actually his stepmum pays as she is the high earner).

Anyway, a few years later and it turns our DS is VERY good at this and has been invited to take place in a sort of showcase/tournament overseas in a city I have always wanted to visit. The event is on a weekend that DS is with me and my husband so I want us to take him and make a bit of a holiday out of it. We would also take my two younger daughters (who I have had with my current DH) and my mum who can babysit them when we watch the event.

When my ex told me the dates I said I would get back to him to let him know if we could swap weekends, and I have now let him know that actually DH and I will be taking DS. He has gotten really upset about it (apparently his wife, my son's stepmum, is in tears) as they wanted to be there to cheer him on. There are only 2 tickets allocated per child so we can't all go, and as well as we all get on I really wouldn't want to spend a whole 3 day even with them.

I honestly don't think I am doing anything wrong as it is my weekend with my DS and I am not obliged to swap. He has never competed in an event like this before and I think it's important for him to see his mum in the crowd cheering him on! But I mentioned this to my sister and she seems to think IABU and she has made me doubt myself. Should I be letting his dad and stepmum take him?

OP posts:
lunar1 · 24/08/2017 18:40

It's not people who haven't read the thread, we have.

We just don't agree that the result is fair. If the op and her husband want to go they should be the ones tagging on separately. Not the step mum, she has done the graft, she should be the one to take him, stay in the hotel and support him in the competition.

Not the mum who fancies the destination for a holiday. She could quite probably spoil his chances of doing well with this plan.

1969angep · 24/08/2017 18:41

It's 100% unreasonable. I can't believe you'd think you have a leg to stand on. It's their thing and you want to swoop in when you've had a zero involvement. Totally selfish!

becotide · 24/08/2017 18:41

Ceto, stop being a twat. Just because, even after reading 300 messages, I think OP should send her son with the parents who have facilitated, organised and PAID for this event, does not make me an idiot.

it makes me a step parent.

Some people have no idea what it is like to love a child you are not allowed to ever have an official bond with. A child whose life is utterly controlled by others and can be taken away on a whim.

Luckily, my step children's mother DOESN'T insert herself into anything good we do for them.

HiJenny35 · 24/08/2017 18:44

Totally out of order. You are totally wrong. What are you thinking! The step mum has been great to your son, you should be grateful, but low after years of them doing it, because it's something that YOU fancy going to you're going to barge them out of the way. Your son doesn't want to see you cheer him on, he'd much rather have his step mum that he has trained with and has seen him develop, not because he doesn't love you but because this is their thing. God don't be so bloody selfish and think if your child.

blogask · 24/08/2017 18:49

Lovely outcome OP .. don't get stressed out by the negative posts still coming on . Initially i felt aibu but after your 2nd update I can definitely agree with what u did . Money with 3 kids around is going to b tight and I don't blame u if it's something u really badly wanted to do. His stepmum btw is a star and I think she really handled it well too ! Good for all of u ! Also not so relevant but if u get the time and spare money do try taking up a hobby with your other dd's so that they don't start envying your son for all the extra attention he gets in the family !!

Lillithxxx · 24/08/2017 18:50

Ceto - excuse me?
I'm no idiot and I've read the full thread.
OP says everyone's happy, yeah right...
Step mum must be a total Saint then.
Did I miss the post where OP has already put in hours of selfless support and interest at his local club?

Ceto · 24/08/2017 18:52

Becotide, failing to interpret your very short post in the way you now explain it makes me a failure as a mindreader. Mea culpa. It doesn't make me a twat. And what you are missing is that OP was perfectly prepared to give up the trip, this arrangement was the SM's suggestion. Plus, all four people who actually know all the facts, plus, most importantly, OP's son, are very happy with this outcome. Projecting your own issues onto this is hardly helpful.

Ceto · 24/08/2017 18:56

FFS, Lillith, it's self-evident that my posts were not directed at you: you made it clear that you were talking about OP's conduct in a much wider sense, and had actually read the thread. I am however allowed to point out that there are a lot of people who have plainly read the first post and leapt in to berate OP without bothering to read anything more: it's an increasingly frequent problem round here.

Whinesalot · 24/08/2017 18:59

Also the SM has more than likely made a lot of friends whilst "on the circuit" and won't she won't be staying in the same hotel to discuss and analyse each days happenings. Ditto with DS and her. That's not fair.

KeepCalm · 24/08/2017 19:07

YABU. She sounds ace. It's 'their' thing. Please be graceful about this.

Lovingit81 · 24/08/2017 19:08

Really admire you OP. Can't imagine what it's like to share your child with another woman. As usual there have been some real mean people on here. Have a wonderful time it's the perfect result. I can only imagine your DS will be thrilled his mum is there. X

Lovingit81 · 24/08/2017 19:10

Ps she is childless. She is a step mum. Not a biological mum, end of story.

MissionItsPossible · 24/08/2017 19:14

Well OP, sounds like the best outcome all round and ignore the ongoing spite on just for the sake of it. You clearly know the situation better than anyone commenting here and it sounds like it will be really good for your son to have all of his family there.

Despite the initial backlash, I WAS going to suggest that this should be nominated for Classics as one of the rare times in AIBU that the OP was told that they were massively BU, that OP came back and acknowledged the general consensus that they were BU and then resolved the situation, but the last couple of pages with some posters determined to demonise the OP has soured that notion.

lunar1 · 24/08/2017 19:14

If her ds is good enough and dedicated enough to have a paid trip abroad he will be glad to have someone there who understands the commitment it has taken. He won't be seeing it as a holiday.

RebelRogue · 24/08/2017 19:25

The update and outcome is lovely for your DS. The fact that he's happy having you all there is even better.

So my only point is.. SM has always and even now put DS and his sport first,putting time and money into him. Hell,she's spending money she doesn't have to just to make him happy now and have everyone be ok.
You were willing to put yourself and a family holiday first,which you're still getting.
You didn't compromise,she did.

Keeptrackbetter · 24/08/2017 19:31

Hmm could you go with stepmum on the 2 tickets

OJZJ · 24/08/2017 19:36

You are so lucky for your son to have such a loving and supportive stepmum. I agree with the majority on here. It's their special time together so with all the time, effort and money that have put into this you should graciously step back and allow them to be their ... maybe revisit this place at a later date as it's somewhere you want to go.

OJZJ · 24/08/2017 19:38

Sorry for all spelling mistakes my auto correct hates me.

becotide · 24/08/2017 19:39

Ceto my post didn't need interpreting, it simply needed reading. Stop badgering people about not agreeing with you.

Mummyoflittledragon · 24/08/2017 19:42

I agree with the majority. Your ds should be left alone in peace. If you want to go, fair enough but he should be with his stepmum and dad as these are the people, who will be supporting him and helping him to prepare. And he shouldn't have the additional distraction of younger siblings.

Lillithxxx · 24/08/2017 19:49

Lovingit - what is it like living in a world of black and white. Pretty tough I should think. You have my sympathies.

stella23 · 24/08/2017 19:49

And in fact they have now reached an even better compromise

Well the op hasn't really compromised has she, she's getting her holiday, sm is being sided, ds has to share a room with little ones the night before a tournament.
Sm and dad have to travel to the event rather then spend time with the team. Why should she miss out, you have shown no interest before in any of his training. You should be ashamed of yourself

Lillithxxx · 24/08/2017 19:54

Spot on Stella

Lovelymess · 24/08/2017 20:06

I think you and step mum should take him and leave the men at home

pollymere · 24/08/2017 20:52

This is their thing with him. If you could get more tix you could all go but I think you'd be considered amazing if you gracefully gave them this chance.