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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to take my son to this event?

436 replies

ShadeOfRed · 23/08/2017 16:39

Ive name changed incase this is identifiable.

I have a 9yo DS. His dad and I split up when he was 6 months old, and he has been with his now wife since DS was 1. We all get on fairly well.

About 4 years ago, my son's stepmum started taking him to a martial arts class on a weekly basis. She also started having lessons herself so she could help him practice, which I obviously appreciate. I have never really been involved with it because it has very much been their 'thing' with DS and has always been done on their time with him. His stepmum takes him to 2 lessons a week and also practices at home with him. I should add that they have paid for all of this (I'm guessing actually his stepmum pays as she is the high earner).

Anyway, a few years later and it turns our DS is VERY good at this and has been invited to take place in a sort of showcase/tournament overseas in a city I have always wanted to visit. The event is on a weekend that DS is with me and my husband so I want us to take him and make a bit of a holiday out of it. We would also take my two younger daughters (who I have had with my current DH) and my mum who can babysit them when we watch the event.

When my ex told me the dates I said I would get back to him to let him know if we could swap weekends, and I have now let him know that actually DH and I will be taking DS. He has gotten really upset about it (apparently his wife, my son's stepmum, is in tears) as they wanted to be there to cheer him on. There are only 2 tickets allocated per child so we can't all go, and as well as we all get on I really wouldn't want to spend a whole 3 day even with them.

I honestly don't think I am doing anything wrong as it is my weekend with my DS and I am not obliged to swap. He has never competed in an event like this before and I think it's important for him to see his mum in the crowd cheering him on! But I mentioned this to my sister and she seems to think IABU and she has made me doubt myself. Should I be letting his dad and stepmum take him?

OP posts:
Figgygal · 25/08/2017 11:55

I'm
Glad a solution was found and your ds is happy but maybe it's time for you to take a more active interest in future activities not just the exotic ones.
Fair play to sm she's invested a lot into this with him you need to work out best way for him to have her and his dads support at the event

SomeOtherFuckers · 25/08/2017 11:56

You know nothing about the sport and have never been involved before. It sounds like you're usuing your son as an excuse for a holiday tbh. Thy would make it all about him and his event, they know the details and the rules.
Go somewhere else on holiday.

user1491407396 · 25/08/2017 12:10

So nice to see a thread where the MN -vipers- gang so unanimously gets on the side of the SM!!

Figgygal · 25/08/2017 12:15

That's because the sm has done nothing wrong user

stella23 · 25/08/2017 12:28

SM I know it's not our weekend to have DS, but can we have him Xmas weekend this year..
DM Yes that will be fine, How about we have bring him over christmas Eve and you have a few more days with him afterwards.
SM, Thanks, we found a show we thought he would like to see. unless you would like to come as well, as it worked out so well with the Sports thing.*

But it hasn't worked out well for the sm, she is the only one who had compromised, op is setting the precedent of not swapping weekends, so why would the dad and sm ever swap in further.
Sm is missing out on staying with the team in the hotel, she is paying more money. She will miss some of the matches. She's compromising op isn't.
Op claims the sm is happy, why would the sm be happy (obviously it's not up the op to make the sm happy) but I don't think the op can claim she is happy and it has worked out for everyone.

Yes op had her holiday so well done her

stella23 · 25/08/2017 12:29

Maybe the compromise would be op and sm going with ds

Willow2017 · 25/08/2017 13:18

Jacque
So say its about you. You know nothing about the sport your dd does and Sm not only does but has paid for it, spent hours taking your dd to said sport, competitions, grading etc and she gets into a huge event due to her and Sm' s efforts. You would seriously say you wouldnt swap weekends to accommodate your dd' s big chance? That's sad.

This event isn't about op it's about her son. All she wants is to go to the city for her own reasons she knows nothing about the sport or the effort it's taken to get this far. All she sees is a cheap holiday.
She has not said there is any acrimony between them all in fact just the opposite why would you get stroppy when it's your child's big chance to do something he loves?

crazycatgal · 25/08/2017 13:24

His Step Mother has spent time and money helping him with his martial arts and I feel as though it would be really mean for you and your husband to take those tickets.

JacquesHammer · 25/08/2017 14:36

You would seriously say you wouldnt swap weekends to accommodate your dd' s big chance? That's sad

As I said in my very first post it totally depends on the relationship. If the other party was happy to facilitate swaps when it wasn't just for their benefit then sure.

Having seen a dear friend go through something similar with dance shows and being completely shafted by the other party, then I would be loathe to swap unless I KNEW it would be reciprocated. In my friend's case she swapped because dad was desperate to see her DD in a dance show. She did it despite father refusing swaps she'd asked for for work. Dance troupe got through to regional finals, which fell on dad's weekend. He refused to swap and she saw no dance shows. Dad saw both.

Batteriesallgone · 25/08/2017 14:45

If the dad had been the one paying for dance lessons, taking her to practise, encouraging and coaching her then it's only fair he sees both shows really.

Wanting to swap for work is for the adults benefit.

Wanting to swap so the child can have their coach/mentor/the involved parent at their competition is for the child's benefit.

Fair enough be a reciprocal arse about the first but not fair to play tit for tat with the second.

JacquesHammer · 25/08/2017 14:47

If the dad had been the one paying for dance lessons, taking her to practise, encouraging and coaching her then it's only fair he sees both shows really

They pay 50% lessons each. Mum does most dance lesson driving about as the lessons are during the week. When they're coming up to a show, they do extra rehearsals on a Sunday. Always out of mum's time also due to contact arrangement

HappyAsASandboy · 25/08/2017 14:51

I would swap weekends and let his dad and step mum take him.

They've done the hard work and expense that has got your DS to the event. It's not fair to them to waltz in now and have the fun bit.

Your DS will get the same sense of support from seeing his Dad and Stepmum in the audience as he'd get from seeing his Mum and Stepdad in the audience. In fact I think he might well feel a bit strange going to an even for this sport with you, since he's used to going with his Stepmum. They'll have their own understanding of the sport/competition set up/routine etc and it might feel odd doing that with you.

Grown up thing to do - swap weekends and let them take him. Do your holiday another time.

Next best option - someone uninvolved ask DS what he wants to do ^but only if he will really feel able to choose without any guilt. Only you'll know whether that's the case (it wouldn't be for most kids).

Immature thing to do - take your DS and make the most rewarding bits of his hobby yours while his Stepmum does the grunt work/expense. I would suspect that she'll then bow out and let you either do the grunt work/expense or not from now on.

Batteriesallgone · 25/08/2017 14:51

So not like this situation at all then?

schoolgaterebel · 25/08/2017 15:18

SM introduced him to the sport and she supports him in it, if the competition was local she would be taking him.

Because the event is in a city you want to visit, you are selfishly muscling in to get your weekend away.

OP Don't be a dick.

Willow2017 · 25/08/2017 15:29

Jaques
Your friends situation is nothing like this one.
OP has shown NO interest in this for 4 years.
Doesnt pay a penny towards it.
Thinks she should get the cheaper hotel and SM shoudl pay extra just because she has more money than her.
And wants to make it a family holiday, not about her son at all.

FeelingAggrieved · 25/08/2017 16:23

"But he already sees that they support him in this, surely now it's important for him to see his mum supporting him too?"

You are just saying that because you want to go and make a trip out of it.

Katedotness1963 · 25/08/2017 16:35

Surely, if you're going to be in a stadium or whatever for 8 or so hours a day, there won't be time to do touristy things? Seems like a waste of time. Unless you're not planning to go to the event and just take advantage of the cheap flight/hotel?

neilwalker · 26/08/2017 19:41

But he already sees that they support him in this, surely now it's important for him to see his mum supporting him too?

YABU. So they can support him by putting in loads of time and money week in week our, but you get to support him when it becomes an opportunity for a holiday and to reap all the glory from their hard work? I can see why they would feel horribly upset.

mummmy2017 · 26/08/2017 23:11

Did you actuall read this thread.
Mum gets excited wants to go see him do his thing, as it's somewhere she had never been.
Her sister and MN tell her don't be selfish and she calls and tells SM no you go.
SM says no you take the room and we will get a double nearby.
Son is mega excited as everyone he loves is going...

Please think about this situation as one that has been sorted and solved.
No one with a loser, but a happy blended family,
THEY ARE HAPPY ABOUT IT.

WellThisIsShit · 27/08/2017 00:53

Glad everything worked out. Well done for admitting you are wrong and having a grown up conversation about it.

Willow2017 · 27/08/2017 02:20

Oh please she has had 4 years to see her son do his thing and hasn't moved a muscle but suddenly she wants to right now cos it's in a city she has always wanted to go to.

Don't dress it up as something it's not.

It's not a good dilution for the Sm and prob not for the boy as his mum knows fuck all about preparing for it, the whole set up once he is there etc but she is pushing sm (who actually does know all about it and wants to be there as its her sport too) out the way regardless.
Of course sm has said ok she doesn't want to be seen to be coming between the boy and his mum she has no option.

mummmy2017 · 27/08/2017 20:01

Willow2017 pretty sure your projecting your feelings, onto this, not what has happened to the OP.
Why won't you accept they sorted it. SM as the person who said how to do it not the mum who said sorry, and WAS willing not to go.

Willow2017 · 27/08/2017 21:31

I dont have any feelings about it other than the fact that its been SM who has facilitated the hobby by paying for it, taking child to classes, gradings, competitions for 4 years while OP has shown no interest until his event is in a town she has always wanted to visit. Bit of a coincidence there?

SM is between a rock and a hard place. If she refused to let op go then she is the 'bad SM' but allowing her to go she is being pushed out of the childs preparations and half of the event itself which she, not OP will understand and can support the child with.

4 years of support to be pushed aside thats not a happy solution.

user1479335914 · 27/08/2017 21:54

Totally with you Willow. OP is being incredibly selfish and does not seem to be able to appreciate the obvious about other people's feelings.
I feel sorry for her ds and especially the saintly sm.

Lelloteddy · 27/08/2017 22:30

'the saintly sm'

GrinGrinGrinGrin

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