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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to take my son to this event?

436 replies

ShadeOfRed · 23/08/2017 16:39

Ive name changed incase this is identifiable.

I have a 9yo DS. His dad and I split up when he was 6 months old, and he has been with his now wife since DS was 1. We all get on fairly well.

About 4 years ago, my son's stepmum started taking him to a martial arts class on a weekly basis. She also started having lessons herself so she could help him practice, which I obviously appreciate. I have never really been involved with it because it has very much been their 'thing' with DS and has always been done on their time with him. His stepmum takes him to 2 lessons a week and also practices at home with him. I should add that they have paid for all of this (I'm guessing actually his stepmum pays as she is the high earner).

Anyway, a few years later and it turns our DS is VERY good at this and has been invited to take place in a sort of showcase/tournament overseas in a city I have always wanted to visit. The event is on a weekend that DS is with me and my husband so I want us to take him and make a bit of a holiday out of it. We would also take my two younger daughters (who I have had with my current DH) and my mum who can babysit them when we watch the event.

When my ex told me the dates I said I would get back to him to let him know if we could swap weekends, and I have now let him know that actually DH and I will be taking DS. He has gotten really upset about it (apparently his wife, my son's stepmum, is in tears) as they wanted to be there to cheer him on. There are only 2 tickets allocated per child so we can't all go, and as well as we all get on I really wouldn't want to spend a whole 3 day even with them.

I honestly don't think I am doing anything wrong as it is my weekend with my DS and I am not obliged to swap. He has never competed in an event like this before and I think it's important for him to see his mum in the crowd cheering him on! But I mentioned this to my sister and she seems to think IABU and she has made me doubt myself. Should I be letting his dad and stepmum take him?

OP posts:
mummmy2017 · 24/08/2017 21:01

Since the DM and DSM have already reached a happy conclusion to this and the Ds is ecstatic to have everyone's support. I can only conclude people who are shouting about how wrong this is must very argumentative in real life. Such a shame a young lad's views mean nothing in this equation to you all, in your need to want to down the DM.

FaveNumberIs2 · 24/08/2017 21:17

You show absolutely no interest in your son's martial arts, that someone else is paying for, yet as soon as he gets to go to a tournament you want to shove everyone else out the way and be the proud parent? You're mad you are, and a little selfish. This is your son's thing with his father and step mother, leave them to it and go do something else with your girls and husband.

bisopharm · 24/08/2017 21:17

honestly YABU here, it's been stepmom paying for training, taking him to training and practicing with him. And "it was their thing " but suddenly a foreign trip comes up and you jump in!

Chicklette · 24/08/2017 21:22

Nice result- and she is not childless, she is your sons step mum

NK493efc93X1277dd3d6d4 · 24/08/2017 21:38

Outrageous to accept the cheap room and in the process jeopardise your son's chances!
Ffs it's a sporting event and he will need appropriate rest, exercise, food & sleep, preparation - not sharing a room with 2 younger siblings & adults who know absolutely nothing about the sport he is in.
Your excitement over whichever city he is going to is taking precedence over your son's interests here.

mummmy2017 · 24/08/2017 21:41

These are just your views of what you would do.

Something has already been sorted, everyone is HAPPY.

Just you nasty lot who aren't.

Batteriesallgone · 24/08/2017 21:42

mummmy he's 9, he's still young enough to not be able to see through his mum putting herself/a family holiday first. Give him a couple of years though, or into his teenage years, and he may have a deeper perspective.

If this and other exciting trips are the only time his mum shows an interest he'll catch on and that could really damage their relationship. The DM needs to catch a hold of herself and not let that happen.

NK493efc93X1277dd3d6d4 · 24/08/2017 21:44

Of course he is happy as all of his loved ones will be there. What he is too young to appreciate is what he needs as a competing athlete in this situation.

becotide · 24/08/2017 21:45

Everyone is happy until the child doesn't get enough sleep or support at the event and doeesn't do as well as he knew he could, because he's shared a room with a mother and siblings who are really only there because it's a trip away, and have had no interest until then, and don't understand what he needs as they've never been involved.

But, YEAHHHH until then, everyone is happy

OVienna · 24/08/2017 21:54

I was with the OP yesterday. It round crush me to nut be there for this sort of event for one of my DCs.

Yesterday's update is shocking.

OVienna · 24/08/2017 21:55

I mean I was with her initially.

I cannot believe her angle on coming is the holiday.

parentsnet123 · 24/08/2017 21:58

I'm not sure pp are trying to be nasty, rather help OP to see the reality of the trip. No-one knows how DS feels about the situation (and to ask him would put him in an unfair and impossible situation, i.e. Who would you rather stay with..?). It may seem as if this is the perfect solution for everyone as it is better that OPs initial suggestion but the reality is DS and DSM have 4 years history here. On the face of it OP is getting family holiday and supporting DS so win/win but I feel others comments regarding younger siblings in room, DSM being close to action etc should not be disregarded as taking swipes at OP. Having a family holiday is a positive thing to do l, but this is not actually a family holiday. DS is old enough to question things even if he loves DM and DSM too much to complain or say anything. Split families are emotionally complex for all parties, OP has expressed feelings of jealousy towards DSM (understandable) so would be wise to consider the impact of her decisions on her DS (even feelings he is likely to internalise).

NK493efc93X1277dd3d6d4 · 24/08/2017 22:01

Yes, any holiday should only take place after the event - certainly not during it.

Lillithxxx · 24/08/2017 22:02

I've just re-read the original post and reviewed my comments on here. I should've written more strongly how unreasonable it is that this mother has hijacked the trip for her holiday and some reflected glory. I'll bet 'everyone' isn't happy but because the event is happening on 'her' weekend and she decided she wouldn't swap the Dad and Step mum are over a barrel. Even her sister thinks she is being unreasonable. Selfish doesn't even come close...

GetOutOfMYGarden · 24/08/2017 22:08

Still think the SM is a serene goddess, and that DS may look back on this when he's older this and not like what he sees. His DM has made no effort with his martial arts... until there's a nice holiday available that she reckons she's entitled to the discount on because serene goddess SM has a good job.

user1479335914 · 24/08/2017 22:10

Agree with most other posters here - unbelievably selfish to muscle in to this weekend even if the SM is being so gracious as to give up her hotel room for you in the circumstances. Just don't do it - for the sake of good relations for your DS in future.

Whatever happens, DON'T make your son choose - he's 9 and NOT responsible for sorting out the marital and other problems of the adults in his life. It is not fair to put that pressure on him. His SM seems to be a much better example to him BTW.
I feel quite adamant about parents who let their own wishes overrule all good sense and objectivity.

Blazedandconfused · 24/08/2017 22:21

I have read every post and agree with the latest turn the thread has taken.

He is there to compete, under the guidance of his step mum.

Back off.

You are being incredibly selfish.

Lelloteddy · 24/08/2017 22:30

OP ignore the bitter projection of so many people on this thread. Your DS is delighted that you are all going to be there and that's the main thing. He is lucky to have such emotionally mature adults in his life ( even if they occasionally fuck up a little and have to rely on MN to set them straight Wink )

Hope you all have an amazing time on the trip.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 24/08/2017 22:42

OP ignore the bitter projection of so many people on this thread.

Nope no bitter projection from me.

I do however agree that this weekend should be about his competition and not some sort of cheap sightseeing holiday.

That is what the focus should be. His competition. It certainly shouldn't be pushed to the sideline.

Willow2017 · 24/08/2017 22:44

Mummy2017

If you actually read what poeple were saying you would see this situation is purely for op to get a holiday.
She hasn't bothered about her sons hobby for 4 years until an event somewhere she wants to go to desperately.

His sm who has spent 4 years helping him, traubibg wuth him,taking him to classes and around the country to competitions while paying for it all is now having to stay in another hotel she has to pay more for, she cannot support the child, do prep if she is elsewhere! Op plans to have him sleep the night before a huge event with younger siblings who will probably be hyped up so he can't concentrate or relax.

OP thinks this is fine cos SM can afford it so she should cough up to help finance her holiday. She hasn't even offered to swap hotel rooms and she is going to take part of step mums time at the event away while SM has actually trained in this and would benefit from being there. She should have bought tickets herself if she wanted to go. (But then she really doesnt does she?) If you are not invested in this type of thing it's a long long day.

This isn't about her son at all and maybe someday he will see through it.

This time should be all about her son but she is making it all about her. Very sad.

Lelloteddy · 24/08/2017 22:58

It's actually quite sad that there are some people who just CANNOT accept that in some blended families, compromise and maturity, and keeping the focus on what's best for the children IS actually possible. I suspect that some people are actually jealous that a mum is able to communicate, negotiate and compromise with a step mum and vice versa. It's what happens when you're dealing with adults This little lad is delighted that all the important adults in his life will be there to support him. THAT is the main thing.

manicmij · 24/08/2017 23:05

Maybe you can all go to the city but to be fair you should let his sternum and his dad take DS to event. After all they have paid, encouraged, no doubt transported back and forth and should see how he does. As you have no interest in the sport you probably wouldn't recognise good from bad. You and your husband/girls can be there to wish DS well and hopefully congratulate him.

becotide · 24/08/2017 23:07

oh Lelloteddy, I'm so sad for you that you seem to be having difficulty understanding the thread? Has reading comprehension always been a problem for you? I'm sooooo sad for you

Soooooo sad

CountessWindyBottom · 24/08/2017 23:11

I've read the thread in its entirety and I really try to avoid any gratuitous meanness but you are making a complete tit of yourself OP. You're coming across as grabby, jealous and interfering and the gracious, kind and mature thing would be to phone your little boys SM tomorrow, apologise profusely for trying to a. Interfere and b. Use her for scabbing a subsidised jolly. Shame on you.

RebelRogue · 24/08/2017 23:12

@manicmij sternum Grin
I bet even OP can't interfere with his sternum being in attendance... for all the events. Grin