To want to take my son to this event?

[ShadeOfRed]

Ive name changed incase this is identifiable.

I have a 9yo DS. His dad and I split up when he was 6 months old, and he has been with his now wife since DS was 1. We all get on fairly well.

About 4 years ago, my son's stepmum started taking him to a martial arts class on a weekly basis. She also started having lessons herself so she could help him practice, which I obviously appreciate. I have never really been involved with it because it has very much been their 'thing' with DS and has always been done on their time with him. His stepmum takes him to 2 lessons a week and also practices at home with him. I should add that they have paid for all of this (I'm guessing actually his stepmum pays as she is the high earner).

Anyway, a few years later and it turns our DS is VERY good at this and has been invited to take place in a sort of showcase/tournament overseas in a city I have always wanted to visit. The event is on a weekend that DS is with me and my husband so I want us to take him and make a bit of a holiday out of it. We would also take my two younger daughters (who I have had with my current DH) and my mum who can babysit them when we watch the event.

When my ex told me the dates I said I would get back to him to let him know if we could swap weekends, and I have now let him know that actually DH and I will be taking DS. He has gotten really upset about it (apparently his wife, my son's stepmum, is in tears) as they wanted to be there to cheer him on. There are only 2 tickets allocated per child so we can't all go, and as well as we all get on I really wouldn't want to spend a whole 3 day even with them.

I honestly don't think I am doing anything wrong as it is my weekend with my DS and I am not obliged to swap. He has never competed in an event like this before and I think it's important for him to see his mum in the crowd cheering him on! But I mentioned this to my sister and she seems to think IABU and she has made me doubt myself. Should I be letting his dad and stepmum take him?

Becotide how old are you? Shouldn't you be in bed this late? Leave the conversations about doing the right thing for this little lad to the adults dearie

Is this a reverse?!

Op you sound like a twat. Someone else has paid for and nurtured your son through his hobby and you think it's ok to jump in on that for your own gain as you fancy a holiday in a certain city? Get lost.

This is when RTFT is a hood idea Kim

good not hood

Lelloteddy, many people don't agree with you. That's ok, You are allowed to be wrong. This is obviously a situation you have no experience in. But what isn't ok is shrieking at ALL the other posters, who are pointing out that "this little lad" simply hasn't been considered.

Of course his happy, his mum is happy. That doesn't mean that everything has been done in his interest, in fact it's obvious to most people here, people who live in blended families included, that his entire hobby has been superceded by his mother's wish to be in charge and have a holiday.

It's a bit disappointing,is all. I'm sorry you can't see past "everyone is happy now".

"Honestly DH and I could not afford to go if it wasn't for the fact the event has block booked a hotel and gotten cheap rates."

I am pleased that you can see where you might have gone wrong but things still read as somewhat entitled and grabby. You had nothing to do with this until the international event. And now you do. I do hope that you spend time supporting your son at events when at home as opposed to grabbing the cheap seats when invites come in. Take the rough (long drives to event venues) with the smooth (seeing your sons proficiency as an excuse for a holiday for you and your husband and your sons step-kids?=(?))

"dearie"

Who uses that term as a put down other than a man sitting at his computer wanking at the put downs he can type and send to women?

I think you're still being incredibly selfish and thoughtless.

These type of events aren't holidays. If the timing works out well you can sometimes get an hour or two of holiday type stuff fit in, but even that depends very much on how the child is coping with it all. The fact that you're thinking of it as a family holiday shows just how far removed you are from it. A lot of competitors and families literally just go from the hotel to the event without ever exploring the city they're in. The days are long, and there's a lot to be done before and after.

Your son needs to be the focus. With other children around, he's not going to be, and that will really hurt his chances. He'll need a lot of rest, he'll need calm and quiet. He'll need to train and prepare a lot, and his stepmother staying elsewhere makes that hard. You're also cutting her off from the hotel environment that will be filled with fellow competitors, coaches etc., which is crap and unhelpful to your son. Of course she's jumped at giving that up anyway, because your other option was her not going at all. But it's still not acceptable on your part.

If your son is old enough to compete in an overseas event, he's old enough to come to the realisation you're using him and his achievement, an achievement you otherwise have no interest in, to get a cheap holiday for you and your other children. Unless this is the start of you taking a big interest, going to every local event etc., at some point he's going to take a very dim view of your behaviour here.

If you want to go why not just go by yourself? Your DH and mum can look after your other DC's at home, step-mum and ex can look after your son properly at the booked hotel, and you can find a cheap single room. Taking your DH and DC's along has nothing to do with supporting your son, and just makes it harder for him. This way you can see the city, and support him, without causing everyone a lot of difficulty.

I've read your update, but I still think you are wrong to go.

The focus should be on creating the best situation for your DS to compete in. That would be with his SM & Dad, in the accommodation in the same hotel as the others, focusing on his needs. Not with you, his SD & his siblings all trying to have a family holiday.

I think you are being really selfish & imposing your entire family on your Ex & his DW, you're spoiling what should be their trip away with DS, they shouldn't have to be separated from him or sharing the tickets. Up until now you've shown no interest. It's grabby, selfish & wont be forgotten. Just because she's lovely doesn't mean you should take advantage like you are.

He did not "suddenly" qualify for this event. YABVU bc stepmom probably took him to the qualifying rounds, classes, and paid for it and NOW you want to cheer him on? You lost me with the "now apparently" bit. I raised two kids with dh who works out of town m-f, it is no "apparently," its hard work going to classes, practising for events, keeping up with the entire world of the sport. You should give his step mom a bouquet of flowers and maybe a new suitcase. Wait until your other kids begin this. Not one kid EVER gets competitive without great parental support.

But, to be fair, its ds' decision. Although, i doubt he will be able to tell you the truth bc he loves you. Be kind and let it be okay for the other part of his family take him. You will set a great example.

It is not a compromise unless OP has been helping ds in even a small way with this activity.

Blended families are not the issue! Both of our dc competed in a variety of sports. In martial arts, there are several events taking place in the arena at the same time. You need to understand the system, the moves, scoring. It's complicated. You don't just cheer, you shepherd the dc around the events, (times, mats, etc) competitions. You practise, watch the competition, help mentally focus. I don't think OP understands the importance of his stepmom as a coach.
Plus, kids that age (forever?) still meltdown sometimes and the one to help him focus in this situation is the mom with experience.

Not boasting but my dc were pretty good in some things, cringey in others but we were needed in both circumstances.

Bottom line: they wanted to compete and win if they attended an event.

It's not about a holiday. It's about the hard work that he's put into his activity and HE is most important.

I meant mom with experience in martial arts, sorry.

What kmc1111 said.

I believe you're being very unfair. If this was something you and your husband did with your son, and your sons father decided nope I'm taking him, you'd be upset. He is only going to this, because of the time and I out of his step mum. She has trained with him, paid for him, and kept taking him. They have the 'right' to be there cheering him on- her especially as she has been the one who picked up this sport purely to support him. Can you not go to the city the event is in, let them go to the demonstration, and see him afterwards? It even contact the organizers, and attempt to even get one more ticket so you can view him too? You seem to be more interested in it being a city you want to visit than the demonstration anyway. Give them this, they have worked for it, not you.

So she should not watch her son compete at all. Not one event now that sounds mean. Thankfully the step mum is more reasonable than some of you lot on here.

So nice to see an AIBU that ends well! We can all get carried away at times and forget to look at things from another point of view. I think your new plan is fine and that your son is very lucky to have four such supportive adults in his life. Have a wonderful time!

I competed in sport many years ago. This whole thing makes me feel very uncomfortable. The amount of work that goes in to training for one event - from the competitors, the coaches and the family members that support them. The hotel will have been selected so that competitors, their coaches and support teams can stay together - mingle with other competitors and soak up the atmosphere of the whole event. You are taking this away from both your son and SM. Everything in the lead up the event will be about the event - most competitors will barely even notice what city they are in as the focus will be on the event. Any sightseeing would be after. I think when you are there you will actually feel very uncomfortable in the team hotel.

I'm not certain, but when ds competed in martial arts at that age, he needed dh to escort him around the arena. Both in watching competition, but also every time ds wins, OP needs to move to next mat on time prepared for new variety of skill tests. Needs to go over moves, etc. It's not just a sit in the stands and cheer thing?

If this is still the case can OP do It? Is there a leader from the Dojo there or are parents needed? This could be a brief thread if OP doesn't have the skills to Shepherd or coach her ds. Then step-mom goes bc OP will hurt his chances of winning.

Sorry for the multiple posts like I said in previous post, 2 kids, some sport nearly every year including martial arts (brieflyou 3 or 4 belts). Many hours on bleachers, in car, hurrying up.

It's not Karate Kids at this age.

@shadeofred I think that at this point, people are posting without reading the entire thread, and don't understand that you've talked things through with your ex and his wife, found a solution that really works for everyone involved, and that you son is super happy about.

Rather than this being something negative, I think it will bring your families closer together, and help your son feel very supported by all 4 of his parents. I think he is very lucky to have such wonderful, mature adults in his life who are willing empathize with each other's points of view, and value the contributions that the others bring to his life.

I wish you well.

Go, but let your son stay with SM and co. Martial arts at a high level need focus and concentration- to expect him to stay with you and the family is not reasonable.
Don't drag him around to any touristy things you might want, and make sure you prioritise the showcase/competition above anything else the rest of your family may wish to do.
It would be a disaster if the first event you go to is detracted from by faffing around with younger kids and visits to this that and then other.

Blended families are hard. You got it wrong and fixed it. You've been very honest about your motivations and feelings. Mumsnet doesn't exactly encourage such openness as people always quick to be as harsh as possible when it's simply unnecessary and mean in itself. I think the best outcome for your son has been reached and that's all that matters. One quick point though....she's not childless: she has a stepson.

Come back to the thread when he's competed and you got it wrong and maybe he even got disqualified because something happened. Maybe you had to step in as coach because his step mum got caught up in traffic going to the event so she wasn't around. Even though you are his mum, you know sweet fa about the sport and can't chaperone him correctly so have no business being at the event hotel. Or maybe he did badly because his younger siblings kept him awake all night. Then we'll see if you reached a good comportment.

Didn't you say you'd back off completely and not go if necessary? Are you coming back to the thread?

Compromise - auto correct

I'm a step mum and I very much think this a thing for the step mum and dad to take him to and watch. They have supported him through this hobby so it makes sense that they would be there for this. If more tickets where available I think it would be completely fine if you attended too. It would also be fine for u to have ur holiday, but let step mum and his dad do the actual event.

YABVU how would you feel if the roles were reversed?
And also have you asked your DC who he wants there with him? You should not be going, of course she's upset!! I would be too and furious!

Do the right thing and swap your weekend