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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to think that stbxhs gf has a hell of a cheek?

228 replies

QueenOfVipers · 22/08/2017 08:22

STBXH pays maintanence based on his income. It's a large amount because his income is large, it's the cms minimum.
Private arrangement, but based on that calculation.

We co parent well, and he is happy to pay this amount plus he does an online shop once a month with stuff for our DD. Nappies, baby food, toiletries etc before and now that she's a bit older, some nice treats, a couple of staple items and sometimes a nice toy or magazine or some glitter pens if they stock them and around Mother's Day he also sent a bunch of flowers and a bottle of wine which was lovely of him. He also takes her to a soft play group which he pays for and he gives me a small cut of his yearly bonus. About 5%, to go towards something for DD.
this has been the case for the last 2 years on the first year it went towards a few experience days and museum visits and a trip away for myself and DD which STBXH was happy with this year it's gone on DDs first proper bed. (She did have one of those cots you can turn into a bed until this year).

We sometimes go out together - with DD and his GF too. Nothing dodgy, just maybe go and feed the ducks and have lunch together. We (STBXH and I) think it's good for DC to spend some time with us all together once a fortnight or so. Gf is very welcome in this btw. I'd never stop her coming.

GF can be very snide about me.
She has made a few comments and has snubbed me when I've bumped into her alone. I get it, she dislikes me, she doesn't have to be around me (while she is invited out with STBXH, dd and I she never has to come, it's an invite not a summons as mn would say).
But if she wants to be around me I will be nice and civil.
Yesterday we all took DD out and while DD was feeding the ducks we were sat on a bench watching her from about 6M away. STBXH went to the toilet so it was just me and GF.
Gf said she wanted to have a word with me about something, I said well er go ahead then.
Gf then started ranting for a couple of minutes about how I take all of STBXH s money Hmm and she thinks I trapped him (we were married for 10 years Confused ) she thinks he's far too generous and he should just leave me destitute and if it's up to her DD will lose her dad when she gets pregnant and they will replace her.
She's sick of not having money for x y and z as we "take it all" from him and she hopes I fuck off soon.

I just replied actually I don't take anything, he pays the cms calculated amount and provides some extras at his own will. He likes to provide for his child well and see her in a good environment rather than us struggling, if you hate me so much you'd probably be better off leaving STBXH name because dd is a permanent fixture, much like STBXH involvement with us is.

She stalked off towards the toilets as STBXH came out, said something to him and looked like she was crying. I got dd and went over to talk to STBXH and he said I dunno wtf her problem is but I better go and find out and walked off. Dd and I came home and he hasn't said anything about the incident.
I'm honestly shocked at this level of venom.

Aibu to think she's a 18 carat dickhead?

OP posts:
SuffolkNWhat · 22/08/2017 08:26

She definitely has issues! As you coparent so well with your STBXH I'd have a frank chat with him about her expectations and the fact your arrangement is very amicable and does he want to have that aggravation in his life?

Thebluedog · 22/08/2017 08:27

YANBU sounds like you have a very mature and sensible relationship with your exh and it's nice to see people behaving like adults and putting the dc first.

She's being a prize idiot, sounds like she begrudges and feels threatened by his relationship with you and his dc. I'm sure she must have some redeeming features but I can't see it from your list. I'd be worried about what she's saying to your dc when she's with him without you being around.

Thebluedog · 22/08/2017 08:28

I'd have an open and honest conversation with your exh about what she's said and how she might be behaving around your dd if she's ever on her own with her

DingDongDenny · 22/08/2017 08:30

You really need to tell him exactly what was said, because I can't imagine what her version will be

Original poster
QueenOfVipers · 22/08/2017 08:31

I don't know what to say, I'm worried about coming across as bitter or something, but I was planning on having a chat with him. I was hoping he'd bring it up but no such luck thus far.

OP posts:
LemonRedwood · 22/08/2017 08:31

She sounds more like a golddigger wanting to trap him tbh. She's sick of not having money because you take it from him? Why doesn't she have her own money fgs?

Sarikiz · 22/08/2017 08:32

No doubt the GF is a gold plated bitch and is very jealous. A lot of women cannot be civilised when their partner/husband has a family from a previous relationship.
You need to speak to STBXH about this outburst he needs to know.
I would also be very concerned if your DD was alone with GF in the future.
You do not have to justify to GF your arrangements with your STBXH its none of her business.

Original poster
QueenOfVipers · 22/08/2017 08:34

She doesn't really work - she does some mobile beauty therapy but only takes 1-2 jobs a week, which isn't my business but explains why she doesn't have much of her own money.
They clearly have joint finances which is up to them of course but I don't know why she feels more entitled to what's "his" than his own daughter.

OP posts:
gabsdot · 22/08/2017 08:34

she thinks he's far too generous and he should just leave me destitute and if it's up to her DD will lose her dad when she gets pregnant and they will replace her

Did she really say this. You should tell your X. He should be warned!!!!!
What a weirdo

TealStar · 22/08/2017 08:34

Wow OP. You sound lovely, as does your STBXH. She however sounds like a malevolent witch. I'd have serious concerns about this woman being involved in my dd's life in future. A potentially wicked stepmother* indeed!

*sorry to perpetuate the wicked stepmother theory I know most are wonderful and doing their best to navigate it all Flowers

Underthemoonlight · 22/08/2017 08:35

She is completely out of her order what she said to you but I think the joint days out are too much when in a new relationship. I certainly wouldn't expect dh to come with me and ex to take DS out for the day and vice versa. Sound like she's jealsous of these days out

Nocabbageinmyeye · 22/08/2017 08:36

Really you should have waited till he came back and calmly said "stbxh your gf has just said xyz about dd and I...... What do you think" rather than allowing her to turn on the water works and be the victim. She is a bitch though

DisorderedAllsorts · 22/08/2017 08:37

Record it discreetly next time and play it to your ex, he might not believe you unless he hears it directly. It's such a nasty thing for her to say most decent people would struggle to comprehend it. She's shown you a big red warning flag there, I'd be concerned about my dds welfare around her.

GetAHaircutCarl · 22/08/2017 08:37

I'd call him and tell him exactly what was said.

Relate as factually and dispassionately as you can. Make it clear that you're very concerned because you value his input in DD's life and believe you co parent very well. Point out that you thought this was a permanent state of affairs and are shocked that his GF doesn't want it to continue.

Then leave it to him.

JWrecks · 22/08/2017 08:38

@LemonRedwood YES. That's exactly what I got from it!

SHE sounds like the gold digger who wants to trap him. She seems to feel quite entitled to his money, and resentful of the fact he chooses to spend it on his DD. She's a Class A Bitch in my book. Hopefully he sees through her and moves on soon.

I agree he deserves to know exactly what she said, too. He deserves to know what she's got planned for his DD.

DeadGood · 22/08/2017 08:39

Agree with GetAHaircut

BertrandRussell · 22/08/2017 08:40

Did she really say that he should leave you destitute? Shock?

TestTubeTeen · 22/08/2017 08:41

I would simply say "I just want to let you know what Gf said to me while you were in the toilet ". Give him a factual account, without judgement etc, and then say "I'll leave it with you, just thought you needed to know", and don't expect or ask for any response from him.

He will come to his own conclusions: he is clearly committed to his Dd.

missmollyhadadolly · 22/08/2017 08:41

CMS minimum payments always seem very low on MN.

Are you sure it's a lot, in relation to his income?

Are you going to get all you're entitled to as part of the divorce?

It's lovely that it's all amicable. Definitely have a word with him in case she has poisoned his ear.

AyUpMiDuck · 22/08/2017 08:42

Agree with DingDong tel him exactly what was said. Next time she talks to you hit record on your phone to play back to X as she will probably deny it all and say you had misunderstood and overreacted.

He needs to know what he is dealing with.

happypoobum · 22/08/2017 08:43

Yes you need to warn him asap otherwise there could be a little "accident" coming his way....................

I also agree with PP that I would be concerned how gf treats DD when STBXH isn't around Sad

DressedCrab · 22/08/2017 08:43

Let's hope STBXH dumps the cow.

MrsJayy · 22/08/2017 08:43

Oaft she didn't hold back did she that bile had been brewing Shock .

I think you should say to your Dds dad that his gf had a few words with me she seems very resentful of the time and money spent on Dd it is probably for the best if she doesn't come on days out tbh it is probably best if we dont do family days for now.

TopangaD · 22/08/2017 08:46

I'd tell him asap sounds like she is puncturing condoms

Wotrewelookinat · 22/08/2017 08:46

She sounds like an insecure loon. You on the other hand some really mature and sensible in your handling of the situation. I doubt I would handle it as well as you!