Aibu to think that stbxhs gf has a hell of a cheek?

[QueenOfVipers]

STBXH pays maintanence based on his income. It's a large amount because his income is large, it's the cms minimum.
Private arrangement, but based on that calculation.

We co parent well, and he is happy to pay this amount plus he does an online shop once a month with stuff for our DD. Nappies, baby food, toiletries etc before and now that she's a bit older, some nice treats, a couple of staple items and sometimes a nice toy or magazine or some glitter pens if they stock them and around Mother's Day he also sent a bunch of flowers and a bottle of wine which was lovely of him. He also takes her to a soft play group which he pays for and he gives me a small cut of his yearly bonus. About 5%, to go towards something for DD.
this has been the case for the last 2 years on the first year it went towards a few experience days and museum visits and a trip away for myself and DD which STBXH was happy with this year it's gone on DDs first proper bed. (She did have one of those cots you can turn into a bed until this year).

We sometimes go out together - with DD and his GF too. Nothing dodgy, just maybe go and feed the ducks and have lunch together. We (STBXH and I) think it's good for DC to spend some time with us all together once a fortnight or so. Gf is very welcome in this btw. I'd never stop her coming.

GF can be very snide about me.
She has made a few comments and has snubbed me when I've bumped into her alone. I get it, she dislikes me, she doesn't have to be around me (while she is invited out with STBXH, dd and I she never has to come, it's an invite not a summons as mn would say).
But if she wants to be around me I will be nice and civil.
Yesterday we all took DD out and while DD was feeding the ducks we were sat on a bench watching her from about 6M away. STBXH went to the toilet so it was just me and GF.
Gf said she wanted to have a word with me about something, I said well er go ahead then.
Gf then started ranting for a couple of minutes about how I take all of STBXH s money and she thinks I trapped him (we were married for 10 years ) she thinks he's far too generous and he should just leave me destitute and if it's up to her DD will lose her dad when she gets pregnant and they will replace her.
She's sick of not having money for x y and z as we "take it all" from him and she hopes I fuck off soon.

I just replied actually I don't take anything, he pays the cms calculated amount and provides some extras at his own will. He likes to provide for his child well and see her in a good environment rather than us struggling, if you hate me so much you'd probably be better off leaving STBXH name because dd is a permanent fixture, much like STBXH involvement with us is.

She stalked off towards the toilets as STBXH came out, said something to him and looked like she was crying. I got dd and went over to talk to STBXH and he said I dunno wtf her problem is but I better go and find out and walked off. Dd and I came home and he hasn't said anything about the incident.
I'm honestly shocked at this level of venom.

Aibu to think she's a 18 carat dickhead?

Could the problem be that he is STBXH rather than XH? You've been separated for quite some time and the divorce is not finalised, which might be making her nervous. Her behaviour is utterly heinous, but sadly not unusual - I worked with a woman who was exactly like this towards her boyfriend's relationship with his STBXW and their children.

I think that my former colleague's bf held back on finalising his divorce because for ever as long as he remained technically married, he didn't have to make the ultimate commitment that his girlfriend demanded, which was to marry her and walk away from all his other commitments.

I should imagine that there's a lot going on behind the scenes of your STBXH's relationship that you aren't aware of, and she has just given you a peek behind the curtain. You must say something to him, because for sure she will have done.

Yes, she's probably spun him a tale about why she was crying. Something about how you turned on her and were really nasty and vindictive. How you told her that even if they have children, your DD will always come first, etc.

But, he does need to know, especially about the bit that when they have children, she'll make sure he never sees your DD.

Of course, when he asks her about what you told him, she'll deny, deny, deny. You'll just have to hope that he knows you well enough to know you wouldn't lie about something like that.

This happened to me!!!!! My DDs Dad, my ex, now hasn't seen her in 19 months......

The sun shines out of his girlfriend's arse and apparently she's "Not like that" and he blames me for him not seeing his DD in 19 months, yet I've never stopped or limited contact? He just can't see it. Can't see the wood for the trees...

Tread very carefully OP. Some women have these magical powers over men. My ex was a good Dad before this bitch came along. Now he won't even give her a birthday or Christmas card, let alone maintenance (even with CMS on the case!) or visits. Heartbreaking.

I agree with PP that the way you are managing to co parent with your ex is amazing and as good an outcome as you could imagine for the situation - so a big well done for being grown ups.....unlike his gf. Personally I would keep it simple - you don't appreciate her comments or her tone and are simply concerned that her attitude will spill over such that DD overhears something or is not treated as well as she should be, and that although you appreciate the extras he provides, he should make it clear to his gf that they are in his gift and not a result of you demanding anything. You are understandably upset that someone who is so involved in your Dd's life is so willing to openly say that her dad will forget her and see her and her mother destitute. He probably won't be entirely surprised - he knows you well enough after 10 years of marriage to work out what the truth is and she must have form for being stroppy with the financial support he provides to her.

Yes LittleWitch that's something to consider too from another angle, we don't know what your ex partner is telling his girlfriend. He could be giving her some woe is me "She bleeds me dry!" Act, you could be his ready made bad guy excuse for any scenarios that come up.

When you talk to him tell him you know your probably over reacting, or may have misunderstood his girlfriend, but that it seems she thinks that as soon as they have a child, he will be turning his back on your DD and ending any Child support.
That maybe he could have a talk with his girlfriend, as all you want is that your DD is happy and loved.

Well she sounds like a fucking psycho
Totally different situation really, but my DF married a manipulating witch, and growing up her children used to get everything they wanted (think new football boots/trainers every few weeks just because they wanted them). But DF wasn't allowed to give me and my DB anything, he had to sneakily give us pocket money without her knowing.

We just accepted it at the time because I could tell it upset my DF but he didn't want to rock the boat with her. But it had a huge impact on me and DB and I think we always felt second to her kids. I would hate for your DD to ever grow up feeling like that just because of some unhinged woman in her DF's life

If I were you I'd ask him to come over, to talk face to face. Don't do it over the phone &. while he's at work - it's too important.

Tell him exactly what she said & explain how floored you are by what she said about HIS money, but mostly about her saying she'll getting rid of DD - replace her.

Tell him what's she like when you meet if he's not there & say whilst you it's fine for her to not like you, it's a shame as you & he co parent so well.

It's not a 'new' relationship, but it's not that long term and he deserves to know how she's speaking to you and more importantly how she's speaking about his daughter. She's obviously doing a reasonable job of covering it up around him as he doesn't sound like he'd put up with if if he heard it.

Nosy question - why the hell did you two separate?! You both sound so nice 🙁

I would recommend putting some money aside every month, if you can, while things are good. Although it sounds like your co-parenting arrangement works really well, this new partner sounds like a threat. Never underestimate how easy it is for men to hide their income -- including through setting up a shell company through which they 'pay' themselves a minimal income despite earning much more.

Hopefully it won't be necessary but do take some steps to safeguard your future. Of course, you also never know what will happen in life otherwise (illness, redundancy etc) so it's probably a good idea anyway.

FWIW, my separated parents managed to co-parent in a really great and mutually respectful way including when they had new partners. It can be done, especially when honesty and goodwill are present. My only concern here is the GF's lack of goodwill.

You really do need to have a proper conversation with your ex about this. Who knows what her version of this is and she is the one in a relationship with him.

No advice to add other than have something recording every time you see her so you can press play in future for him but hopefully he'll listen to you and dump her!

We could've got the divorce ball rolling a lot sooner but he lost both parents in the space of a month and needed time to deal with that so I left him to it (I've no need to rush - I don't see myself as married anymore even though we legally are).
I don't know if that bothers her.

I briefly spoke to STBXH just now he's said she's admitted we "argued" but won't tell him what was said. I just told him what was said as factually as possible. He sounded miffed/upset as is understandable and has said he will deal with it, so I've done my part now really.

Our break up was amicable but basically our relationship and my
Love for him had been slowly dying for a while (dunno why, guess we grew apart) and as he is a lovely man I felt he was wasted on me when I didn't really love him. So I ended it. It was amicable and has been ever once.

She doesn't like sharing does she?

I'd ring and tell him your concerns, he may well have had it out with her, if she's always gone along with the happy family outings he's propably aware of what she thinks as he pays DD all the attention and not her?

Just say you're worried because she said X Y and Z and you don't want your arrangements change to the detriment of DD

Is there a chance he still loves you?

Glad you've spoken - hope he sorts it now

I hope he understands that it wasn't an argument, it was pure vitriol from her! Let's hope they don't have a baby together-she sounds horrible x

It's good that she's admitted the argument but didn't tell him the reason, that should show him that she knew it wasn't ok.

Record it discreetly next time and play it to your ex,

FFS. This is terrible advice.

Do people really do this, have recording devices at the ready to catch someone out? Very odd behaviour.

I doubt he still loves me - if he did he wouldn't be with her, so no.

I did tell him that roll as I don't want it being under exaggerated as just a few cross words when I didn't exactly have an argument with her she just ranted at me.

I having read what you said about you ended it, and he is too nice, it makes me wonder if he still holds a torch for you.
in that he respects and likes you as a person, and this is known by the GF and she is jealous of this.
If he told her you sort of drifted apart, she may not know it was because loving turned to liking on your part, maybe next time you see her you could sit her down and tell her she has nothing to worry about, that you and your ex just want to be the best parents that you can be for your DD, that you will always be around in his life as you don't want your DD to every have to take sides, and that you really would like to be on nicer terms with her as you know your Ex is in a long term relationship with her and think it is a waste of energy to have bad feelings between you both.
That when you find someone else you would like to think you can all become one blended family, and that when they have children you would be able to help should she ever need it.

I won't be sitting her down and reassuring her.
I appreciate your comment mummmy and you must be far more patient than I.
If she'd called me a slut and told me to keep my paws off then I could understand that reaction but it's not a reaction I'd have to her telling me she will ensure my dd basically loses her relationship with her dad. I can't brush that off - I will remain civil with her but I won't be sitting her down and reassuring her that I don't want her partner. call me spiteful but I don't think I can try to build a bridge with someone who's shown my daughter such vitriol

Sounds more like resentment over the money to me. I hope it gets sorted.

She'll be on here soon enough whining that everyone is being mean to her just because she's a stepmother!

By the way I do have savings and am reasonably financially secure.
If STBXH was to stop all financial support we would be ok - a lot of extras would have to stop but it would be alright.
I doubt it'd come to that though

mummmy2017

Eh?