Aibu to think that stbxhs gf has a hell of a cheek?

[QueenOfVipers]

STBXH pays maintanence based on his income. It's a large amount because his income is large, it's the cms minimum.
Private arrangement, but based on that calculation.

We co parent well, and he is happy to pay this amount plus he does an online shop once a month with stuff for our DD. Nappies, baby food, toiletries etc before and now that she's a bit older, some nice treats, a couple of staple items and sometimes a nice toy or magazine or some glitter pens if they stock them and around Mother's Day he also sent a bunch of flowers and a bottle of wine which was lovely of him. He also takes her to a soft play group which he pays for and he gives me a small cut of his yearly bonus. About 5%, to go towards something for DD.
this has been the case for the last 2 years on the first year it went towards a few experience days and museum visits and a trip away for myself and DD which STBXH was happy with this year it's gone on DDs first proper bed. (She did have one of those cots you can turn into a bed until this year).

We sometimes go out together - with DD and his GF too. Nothing dodgy, just maybe go and feed the ducks and have lunch together. We (STBXH and I) think it's good for DC to spend some time with us all together once a fortnight or so. Gf is very welcome in this btw. I'd never stop her coming.

GF can be very snide about me.
She has made a few comments and has snubbed me when I've bumped into her alone. I get it, she dislikes me, she doesn't have to be around me (while she is invited out with STBXH, dd and I she never has to come, it's an invite not a summons as mn would say).
But if she wants to be around me I will be nice and civil.
Yesterday we all took DD out and while DD was feeding the ducks we were sat on a bench watching her from about 6M away. STBXH went to the toilet so it was just me and GF.
Gf said she wanted to have a word with me about something, I said well er go ahead then.
Gf then started ranting for a couple of minutes about how I take all of STBXH s money and she thinks I trapped him (we were married for 10 years ) she thinks he's far too generous and he should just leave me destitute and if it's up to her DD will lose her dad when she gets pregnant and they will replace her.
She's sick of not having money for x y and z as we "take it all" from him and she hopes I fuck off soon.

I just replied actually I don't take anything, he pays the cms calculated amount and provides some extras at his own will. He likes to provide for his child well and see her in a good environment rather than us struggling, if you hate me so much you'd probably be better off leaving STBXH name because dd is a permanent fixture, much like STBXH involvement with us is.

She stalked off towards the toilets as STBXH came out, said something to him and looked like she was crying. I got dd and went over to talk to STBXH and he said I dunno wtf her problem is but I better go and find out and walked off. Dd and I came home and he hasn't said anything about the incident.
I'm honestly shocked at this level of venom.

Aibu to think she's a 18 carat dickhead?

Can I just say it's so nice to hear a sensible example of parents being adult about their DC and thinking about them whilst you co-parent, you're a credit and you sound like you both have your daughters wellbeing at the centre of it all, lovely to hear well done! X

You need to tell him what she said.

It sounds like you an ex are friendly so based on that he deserves to know. What he chooses to do with that information is up to him but he should know what kind of person is spending time with his child.

Sounds like he is using what he pays as an excuse to tell GF what he can and can't afford.

You haven't mentioned a divorce settlement - is she pissed off about that too?

She sounds v insecure - but then I wonder what she made of loverboy sending his ex flowers and wine?

It's a lot of money (particularly for cms), but not a lot in relation to his income. It's still "only" a %, but it's more than enough. We do not need more and I would not ask for more however if he was on a more average salary/low salary it would likely be a pittance.
If I was expected to pay cms on my lower salary it would probably only be £100 a month which is so so tiny for what it's for!
We've agreed our divorce settlement already and it's fair.

STBXH gf isn't that new, they've been together for just shy of 2yrs (we split almost 3.5yrs ago) she met dd when they'd been together around 8 months, with my blessing, and has become steadily more involved/moved in with STBXH.

Ive text STBXH asking him to call me (I struggle to convey things sometimes over text) when he can. I will just tell him what she said and that I think he needs to speak to her as I'm unhappy with the way she seems to view dd.

Tbh I don't care if she thinks I'm all the cunts under the sun but telling me that she will ensure dd is forgotten by her father has made me very angry

She's a gold digger!
Cheeky bitch too - it's absolutely none of her business or concern
Do you work? Just thinking he absolutely should do the right thing, which he currently is, by providing plenty if your job was to be the home maker as you supported him maintaining the career that gives him decent salary ... it's not her concern or business

Your problems with this woman will never end. Get in there first, and tell your ex word for word what she has said so he has a clear picture. Your ex knows you well and things have been amicable so hopefully he'll believe your story over her versions.

I think you need to be careful here. If you were married for 10 years and your relationship with him is amicable and healthy (sounds like it is) then he will know if the story she spins sounds truthful or 'like you'. I would try and stay out of it; maintain a distance and good relationship. Ask for no more and no less than what you have in place and she, in her own time, will hang herself on her own rope.

Have you such a good relationship id factually tell him what happens. Suspect this gf will be short lived as he sounds a sensible man. Suspect shes ttc by the way!

I'm not defending her but what has your EX been saying to her? I'm thinking he has been moaning to her, which prompted her to say this, rather than coming up with it herself?

You really need to bring it up with him before she gets herself pregnant on purpose just to get back at you.

He needs to know He is with someone who hates his dd and wants to get her out his life.

Hopefully he will see what a cow she is and dump her like a hot potato.

How much is "a lot" of money?

Tell him, word for word.

Then say that the only comment you have to make is that you are extremely concerned at the possibility that the GF may mistreat your DD if she is ever left alone with her, and to ask him to ensure that he keeps a close eye on it.

For the rest say that it's none of your business how he discusses HIS finances with her and reiterate that your reply simply stated that maintenance is the cms minimum and anything on top that he decides to give HIS dd is exactly that - something he decides.

If your STBXH has any sense at all, this relationship won't last.

Oh and have a phone ready to record in your pocket if you're ever alone with her again.

I'm very impressed you kept your cool tbh. And also impressed that, thus far, you and STBXH have maintained a civil, healthy relationship for your DC. You're doing the right thing telling STBXH what was said but don't ask for or expect a response from him, not immediately anyway. It will come as quite a blow to a man so seemingly committed to his daughter that his girlfriend is so incredibly vile towards her and you, the child's mother.

Fuck me what a gold digging bitch! You're doing right by telling him, however be aware that he may believe her over you.

I don't know what he's said to her, obviously I'm not privy to such things but most of what is in place is offered by him. The cms minimum is the legal minimum but anything ontop of that id never ask for and always carefully accepted. The first time the shopping arrived (dd was still a baby, so it was formula, nappies, baby powder and shampoo and that sort of stuff) I thought I'd ordered it myself in a sleep deprived haze as dd was teething at the time so I was rather forgetful. It took him asking if the shopping had arrived for me to know it was him (still feel bad about that).
So it's definitely not something I ask for or have hinted towards.

She sounds jealous. But if he asks tell him the truth of what she said.

I would continue with how things are as I think your ex will still continue to put his daughter first x

Were those her exact words? If so, that's a lot of hate to constantly be holding in, so I would imagine that behind closed doors he probably knows what she's like!

While what she said is vile, the two
of you seem over-invested in each others lives. You know about her working and financial arrangements and it can't be easy for her to be an outsider on your family unit on these days out. Get some distance from each other.

Interestingly there was a post from the new partner awhile ago in this scenario and she couldn't get her head round why he gave his ex so much money, saw it more as spousal support than child maintenance and complained the ex didn't work and just took. Seemed like the new partner didn't really get any money from him, they didn't have any extras, and she resented the fact the ex did.

I'd say he knew exactly what her problem was, they would have discussed or argued about it before. Much will be to do with jealousy and resentment. The fact she's got to the stage of escalating it and informing you means it's a serious issue between them and she no longer gives a shit.

I'd probably ask him, something like " what the hell was that all about" but I suspect he doesn't want to discuss it with you.

Be careful op, read the thread below and tread very carefully.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/stepparenting/3011816-Selfish-husband

Sebum is the amount really relevant?
Someone on a previous page asked if I work I do work in a relatively low paid job 3 days per week

I'd definitely speak to him asap but you of course realise she will have spun him a huge lie about you starting it, what you said to her, how you were mean to her etc. Of course she will!

So whatever you say he will take with a grain of salt. However, it is still important that you tell him exactly what she said, with as little emotion or embellishment as possible.

And then I would consider discussing formalising the payments with him, but in such a way that it looks like you're doing him a favour by doing it - maybe not in the same phonecall, but at some point in the very near future! Because it sounds ominously like she's going to do her damnedest to completely destroy the good relationship you have with him.

Why is the amount he pays and OP's employment status relevant? All that matters is he is paying the minimum amount as well as bits and pieces on top, which he'd be expected to pay regardless of if his ex wife works or not!

OP, I think as you and your ex get on well enough by the sounds of it you should tell him exactly what has been said. He shouldn't want such a poisonous person in his daughter's life. What kind of monster looks at a child and feels such hatred?! That's scary. I don't care if anyone my ex gets with hates me (they will he will make sure of it) but I'd go mad if they showed such venom for my children. No wonder you are fuming.

disordered I've had a quick skim read, seems to be a completely different situation?
Can you explain your concern, please?

Clearly hugely jealous and resentful-and I bet terrified he is going to go back to you as she will be thinking he treats you so well for a reason (she doesn't understand he loves his daughter and wants to provide).
Agree with telling ex the truth and then I would step back and let him get on with it. He sounds like a sensible guy and a good parent. I'm sure he won't allow someone to dictate how he spends his money on his child.