Aibu to think that stbxhs gf has a hell of a cheek?

[QueenOfVipers]

STBXH pays maintanence based on his income. It's a large amount because his income is large, it's the cms minimum.
Private arrangement, but based on that calculation.

We co parent well, and he is happy to pay this amount plus he does an online shop once a month with stuff for our DD. Nappies, baby food, toiletries etc before and now that she's a bit older, some nice treats, a couple of staple items and sometimes a nice toy or magazine or some glitter pens if they stock them and around Mother's Day he also sent a bunch of flowers and a bottle of wine which was lovely of him. He also takes her to a soft play group which he pays for and he gives me a small cut of his yearly bonus. About 5%, to go towards something for DD.
this has been the case for the last 2 years on the first year it went towards a few experience days and museum visits and a trip away for myself and DD which STBXH was happy with this year it's gone on DDs first proper bed. (She did have one of those cots you can turn into a bed until this year).

We sometimes go out together - with DD and his GF too. Nothing dodgy, just maybe go and feed the ducks and have lunch together. We (STBXH and I) think it's good for DC to spend some time with us all together once a fortnight or so. Gf is very welcome in this btw. I'd never stop her coming.

GF can be very snide about me.
She has made a few comments and has snubbed me when I've bumped into her alone. I get it, she dislikes me, she doesn't have to be around me (while she is invited out with STBXH, dd and I she never has to come, it's an invite not a summons as mn would say).
But if she wants to be around me I will be nice and civil.
Yesterday we all took DD out and while DD was feeding the ducks we were sat on a bench watching her from about 6M away. STBXH went to the toilet so it was just me and GF.
Gf said she wanted to have a word with me about something, I said well er go ahead then.
Gf then started ranting for a couple of minutes about how I take all of STBXH s money and she thinks I trapped him (we were married for 10 years ) she thinks he's far too generous and he should just leave me destitute and if it's up to her DD will lose her dad when she gets pregnant and they will replace her.
She's sick of not having money for x y and z as we "take it all" from him and she hopes I fuck off soon.

I just replied actually I don't take anything, he pays the cms calculated amount and provides some extras at his own will. He likes to provide for his child well and see her in a good environment rather than us struggling, if you hate me so much you'd probably be better off leaving STBXH name because dd is a permanent fixture, much like STBXH involvement with us is.

She stalked off towards the toilets as STBXH came out, said something to him and looked like she was crying. I got dd and went over to talk to STBXH and he said I dunno wtf her problem is but I better go and find out and walked off. Dd and I came home and he hasn't said anything about the incident.
I'm honestly shocked at this level of venom.

Aibu to think she's a 18 carat dickhead?

No, the amount's not relevant. If it's within the CSA guidelines, that's what you would get if you went to the CSA so whether it's £50, £500 or,£5,000, it doesn't matter. It has to be paid and that's the end of it.

OP - my ex left me for a woman like this. We had a dreadful 2 years but he did, eventually, dump her., she was vile towards our children, including hitting. You must teach your dad to speak out if she is unhappy or treated badly by this woman. You must also officially 'record' this incident with your ex once you have spoken to him. Just along the lines of 'just a quick note to confirm our earlier conversation in which I told you......you responded.....'. The reason for this is if it all goes horribly wrong, you may need legal support and this just puts a date and time stamp on the start of it.

Dad! Should read 'dd'!

I don't believe such an invested dad will ever forget or disregard his first child. This woman will not be able to keep up the pretence of being caring for much longer. I suspect she is already beginning to crack. Hang on in there op.

You are right op. She does have a cheek and it looks like she's being a money grabbing cow. Your ex is probably fed up of her chewing his ear over it so a simple 'I don't appreciate what she said about dd' should suffice. It sounds like he wants to be a part of her life whatever happens.

Fwiw, friends of mine have a similar set up to you. Their son is so loved and well cared for. He understands that mummy and daddy aren't together anymore, both have significant others and a child together now so he has two half siblings.

But they still have time together as a family unit, the other partners attend or not depending on their own commitments. The new partners were made clear on the deal when the relationship started to progress seriously. At that point they could have chosen to walk away if it wasn't for them.

As a result one boy has 2 additional step parents who treat him like their own.

Your exh has to deal with her in whatever way he sees fit. hopefully he won't just be thinking with his dick.

The op in that thread doesn't allow her dh to bring his kids to their house on his contact weekend. He sees them at their 2nd home because the step children irritate her. When you have time read the thread fully, the ops feelings towards her step children are unpleasant. My concern is that if your ex's gf becomes permanent then she might start to take her hatred out towards your dd more blatantly. She already said she wants to replace her with a sibling. The woman in the thread thought along the same lines too.

It sounds like this relationship won't last. In the beginning she was obviously going along with things to impress your ex husband but she's rattled now she realised you and your very amicable arrangement are a permanent fixture.

I think disordered is trying to warn you that the GF can turn your ex away from your DD.

Although that thread looks fishy to me.

You need to tell him. How bloody dare she say that?

Your Ex's partner sounds like an absolute horror story. Could you find it in yourself to show him this thread, to show him exactly what she's said and how she's said it?

Co-parenting can and does work when every adult in the group is kind, considerate and loving. My Ex's new DP is incredible; I genuinely like her and am relieved beyond measure that DS1 has such a lovely step-parent who cares for him. But this woman is just awful and I'd be quite cautious about the impact she could potentially have on your DDs life if she is carrying around so much resentment.

@QueenOfVipers I have a similar arrangement with my exDH. All v civilised. Prob not wise to say anything because she will deny it all and try to make you look like the bad guy. Yes she's a prize twat.

If it helps - you're not alone - I had an issue with my exDH's GF - she was insinuating that my house was infested with bedbugs because I don't change my sheets as often as her (she is a clean fanatic and no kids of her own, and so fastidious that she tells my ex off for being messy and he is Mr Tidy!)
She said all this to my dd - which caused her to wake up in the night worrying and crying. I told exdh that if she had concerns regarding the children's wellbeing, perhaps she could discuss it with him rather than the dc - and that I felt she was being v judgemental of me .

I'm now not even allowed to set foot across the threshold of their house when I drop the dc off.

I hope your Stbexdh sees through her nasty manipulative ways soon op.

Her saying she'll ensure DD doesn't have a father when they have their own kids and will be replaced by them is horrifying. Your ex needs to know that asap.

Thanks disordered, sorry for being a bit thick
The other thread could be a troll thread but either way it's probably someone, somewheres life. I could see that being STBXH gf and dd when I think about it god I hope not.

I'd write down exactly what she said verbatim if possible as he may recognise her style and words which she uses.

I'd forward him a letter/email and I'd say whilst you were in the loo the other day at the park this is what was said.....

He needs to know exactly the wording used as I would bet he's heard a watered down version from her before.

I would sit down with the two of them, together, and say something like "I wanted to address the conversation you and I had the other day, (name), as I thought it was important STBXH was here to listen, seeing as it was about him, mainly." Then be very calm and matter-of-fact - don't show heightened emotion or anger. Just ask your STBXH if he agrees with the comments, maybe adding that you were surprised to hear them as you do such a good job together.

Call her bluff. She will either bluster her way through an excuse or embarrass herself.

If you have the conversation without her, she will just twist it later, if she's anything like she seems to be.

I think you need to be really careful that she isn't setting you up to be the bad guy here .... you tell stbexh what she said, she denies it etc etc. Why was she crying? Is she going to accuse you of saying something? I think you are in a very difficult position and don't really know what is best for you to do now.

I agree that such an involved, loving dad would not let her separate him from his child, even if a new baby came along. That said, I think you should have a quiet word with him. Tell him you think it's great how involved he is and how you two work together, tell him you love the fact that your daughter adores him for it. Then tell him you really don't want to cause any upset, but this is something that's worried you and you feel he should know. Then be honest.

God she's an idiot showing her hand this early.

Ring him and tell him what she said. Make it clear that she's told you she's TTC as he might not be. And that when she has her baby, she's going to ensure your DD is cut off financially and physically from her dad.

Let him do what he wants with that information - if he's any sense he'll dump her before she gets pregnant.

But I also think you should be cautious and look at some financial planning for you if she does manage to pull off her manipulations.

Oh and next time you go to feed the ducks, don't invite her.

You need to expose her nasty, before she get further bedded in. She is probably playing a blinder at home, nicey nice, and chipping away at him.

Could you, and I realise this is mental, get her to chat again but record her on your phone? Or "accidentally" call his mobile whilst she is talking so that he can overhear?

What kind of financial planning would you recommend fuckyoulinda ?

Still waiting for STBXH to call me.

It's really refreshing to read about such a functional co-parenting relationship but depressing to see that his GF is trying to sabotage.

I would tell him what she said - it sounds as though he doesn't see your DD as a part of his life he takes lightly so I think it's safe to do this.

How long have he and GF been together?

I would also mention that you understand your ex and GF are trying to conceive. That you're very pleased for them and hope all goes well.

But you're a bit concerned about arrangements in the future given that the GF stated co parenting wouldn't continue beyond that.

Again, calm and factual. This is not a competition between you and GF. This is about your DD. That is your only concern.

What was the cause of your relationship breakdown? Maybe she can't handle how amicably you behave and wonders if you might ever get back together.

Obviously at the same time as being a jealous unpleasant person.

I'm not sure Queen. It sounds like you'll be really in trouble if she did somehow manage to cut off your DD financially.

I've unfortunately known some hugely manipulative folk and it's amazing in a car-crash type of way how they manage to dupe folk into doing their bidding.

So maybe look at how you'd be if that income to your home was cut off. Eg. do you have a bit of savings? Could you increase hours at work? How would childcare work in that scenario? Do you have alternative family to help with childcare if things turn sour. Would you have to move or downsize house etc. Would it help (or hinder!) to formalise access? No need to answer here of course and you are hopefully only contingency planning for something that will never happen but she might end up getting her way for a while before he realises what she's up to and that alone would have a big impact on you and DD.

She sounds truly awful and I hope your Ex bins her asap.

Explain verbatim what she said (don't add it in any interpretation because the sentiment of what she said is bad enough on its own) and leave it for him to deal with. I think you are doing him a massive favour by telling him, so he can run for it. She's chosen a man with a parental commitment, she has to take it or leave it.