Aibu to think that stbxhs gf has a hell of a cheek?

[QueenOfVipers]

STBXH pays maintanence based on his income. It's a large amount because his income is large, it's the cms minimum.
Private arrangement, but based on that calculation.

We co parent well, and he is happy to pay this amount plus he does an online shop once a month with stuff for our DD. Nappies, baby food, toiletries etc before and now that she's a bit older, some nice treats, a couple of staple items and sometimes a nice toy or magazine or some glitter pens if they stock them and around Mother's Day he also sent a bunch of flowers and a bottle of wine which was lovely of him. He also takes her to a soft play group which he pays for and he gives me a small cut of his yearly bonus. About 5%, to go towards something for DD.
this has been the case for the last 2 years on the first year it went towards a few experience days and museum visits and a trip away for myself and DD which STBXH was happy with this year it's gone on DDs first proper bed. (She did have one of those cots you can turn into a bed until this year).

We sometimes go out together - with DD and his GF too. Nothing dodgy, just maybe go and feed the ducks and have lunch together. We (STBXH and I) think it's good for DC to spend some time with us all together once a fortnight or so. Gf is very welcome in this btw. I'd never stop her coming.

GF can be very snide about me.
She has made a few comments and has snubbed me when I've bumped into her alone. I get it, she dislikes me, she doesn't have to be around me (while she is invited out with STBXH, dd and I she never has to come, it's an invite not a summons as mn would say).
But if she wants to be around me I will be nice and civil.
Yesterday we all took DD out and while DD was feeding the ducks we were sat on a bench watching her from about 6M away. STBXH went to the toilet so it was just me and GF.
Gf said she wanted to have a word with me about something, I said well er go ahead then.
Gf then started ranting for a couple of minutes about how I take all of STBXH s money and she thinks I trapped him (we were married for 10 years ) she thinks he's far too generous and he should just leave me destitute and if it's up to her DD will lose her dad when she gets pregnant and they will replace her.
She's sick of not having money for x y and z as we "take it all" from him and she hopes I fuck off soon.

I just replied actually I don't take anything, he pays the cms calculated amount and provides some extras at his own will. He likes to provide for his child well and see her in a good environment rather than us struggling, if you hate me so much you'd probably be better off leaving STBXH name because dd is a permanent fixture, much like STBXH involvement with us is.

She stalked off towards the toilets as STBXH came out, said something to him and looked like she was crying. I got dd and went over to talk to STBXH and he said I dunno wtf her problem is but I better go and find out and walked off. Dd and I came home and he hasn't said anything about the incident.
I'm honestly shocked at this level of venom.

Aibu to think she's a 18 carat dickhead?

I'm very glad that he told her what's what.

But...I think you need to think carefully about how things are going to be in the future.

What if she wasn't a nasty person and they had kids together...and she didn't want her kids dragged to feed the ducks with you?

What if you meet someone and have more dc and they don't want to go feed the ducks with their sister's dad?

Also, I wouldn't be using the money he gives you for trips away, at least not as your main holiday, as he could easily stop giving you that money!

I'm not saying you're wrong to have these days out or anything. Just, be careful and don't rely on it. She hasn't managed to convince him to cut back, but someone could. And if you rely on it, your dd will end up disappointed.

I envy your stbxh level of commitment and responsibility for DD.
I'm lucky if my ex offers me any money for uniform once a year. Although she is throughly spoilt whilst she's with him, he doesn't actually contribute to anything that helps to keep her alive.
I would definitely be feeling the same about his partner if I were in your shoes too.

It is relevant to the thread. The OP's ex's girlfriend has said and I quote:

he's far too generous and he should just leave me destitute and if it's up to her DD will lose her dad when she gets pregnant and they will replace her.

No, still don't think so really. In one the husband abandoned his kids. The other the girlfriend tried to make him abandon his DD.

I like your ex ! He sounds like a great guy - he clearly has no hang ups about you guys splitting and if he does he doesn't let them get in the way of having a good relationship with you and your DD. He ensures you and your daughter are not wanting for basics or treats. And he doesn't let his new GF get in the way of his devotion to his DD and ensuring she has a good home and family environment to grow up in. His GF is an idiot - sounds like she has played it all wrong and lost a good guy in the process. I'm thinking if she dumps him, you could totally post a dating profile for him on here and he'd need the ladies to form a queue!

Yes, he does sound very generous, but if I was the new girlfriend, id think it was excessive too. Not the maintenance payments, but everything else too. She is probably feeling pretty insecure as to her place in his life.

Oh well that's her look out, clearly he wants to be an involved dad and provide for his dd, why should he only get her thing during his contact time. He can clearly afford it and earns it so why can he treat his daughter.

I think it sounds great that he's so committed to both you and his DD and he sounds a decent guy. She on the other hand sounds like a very jealous person but I'd stay well out of their relationship as she's likely to go crawling back if she was onto a good thing!! Don't say anything about her and let them deal with it. It's lovely to hear 2 parents putting their DD first, well done to you both for it.

Goodness me, you sound like the two most reasonable people in the world, and it's clear you both put your DD first before all else, as it should be.

You absolutely did the right thing, as he absolutely deserved to know that this woman was speaking to you as if she were not only out to get you but out to get his daughter and all.

His reaction speaks volumes about his dedication to DD.

I only wonder, how on earth have the two of you got your shit together this well?? How does that happen?! :)

I'm sad I've inadvertently likely caused a breakup

Hopefully you have, for his sake too. He sounds much too good for her.

My BIL had really bad taste in women. He had a child with his first gf and then they split up. His next gf made a big fuss of the little boy until she got married and then refused to allow anyone to even mention his name in her presence. Their children are now adults and do not know that they have a brother.

QoV: It's good that you're remaining calm but determined to maintain the relationship you have with your child's father, which is by far the more important than any one either of you will have with subsequent partners. It sounds as though this woman hasn't thought through the alternative: that the man she's with has deserted his child and cares nothing for her. Plenty of those around.

It also sounds as though your ex is just beginning to realise what he's taken on with her and is trying to navigate what must be a supremely embarrassing situation.

You don't need to justify yourself to anyone. It's an arrangement with the father of your child and absolutely no business of anyone else's.

All good wishes with this.

OP - stbxh pays you CMS calculated % and that's what he should legally you will never have a problem in getting maintenance you're legally entitled to.
From what you say about him It's brilliant he contributes so much extra and the way you are bringing up DD is fantastic.
Stbxh gf - or not !! Is up to something, you will never know for sure what, stbxh may never tell you that.
I wouldn't worry to much about their relationship - he's either just had a massive wake up call or she will learn to accept DD - and you are part of his life for the immediate future. However, if you do have another partner, and as DD gets older he (your partner)might not be enthused that you meet up with your ex , if you're in a happy relationship then in future you may want to think what is good for your relationship. And once DD is older you may not need to go out together.
Just another thought if stbxh and gf stay together, and children arrive it may be worth noting that in future stbxh may not be able to afford all the extras he currently gives you. His gf would certainly expect their child (ren) to have same standard of living and everything your DD gets so in the long term he may not ne able to contribute all the extras.

It sounds like you have a good honest relationship with STBXH, let him know as soon as you can exactly what she said as she will have already given him an alternative state of events.

I wish every father would pay special attention to the actions and contributions of your Ex, most especially how he handled the situation.

I'm amazed how men find a new relationship and then more or less abandon their children because of the jealousy of a woman.

I believe the Ex can only have ill feeling towards your DD and is riddled with jealousy by saying those things.

What a nasty woman she is.

If anyone in her position doesn't like it, they should just walk away.

Honestly speaking I wouldn't want her near my child again.

Your Ex is a stand up decent guy.

Phalenopsisgirl snap. I was thinking the same exact thing. OPs Ex seems like a keeper. My hub & I aren't that civil & we're together. Plus he would never be that thoughtful about ordering stuff online. Love how he gave the GF an ultimatum.

Bran
RTT properly!

He doesnt buy everything at all.

Only on MN can someone be criticised for actually giving their ex more money than the bare minimum for their mutual kids!

I'm glad that everything is resolved OP!
But....I've lived a few more decades ....are you positive that you don't have feelings for stbxh? It's easy to think of him fondly rather than magically, however, I've had the sad experience of discovering too late someone that i took for granted. ....however, I've been with the perfect man for me for 30 yrs, so i applaud your bravery as well. Just know that few women are as kind as you are or as secure, this may be a "shot over your bow" that he is vulnerable. Just bc you don't love him doesn't mean that he doesn't love you. When he does stop loving you, things may change. Best wishes and happy times.

In my humble opinion (having just joined the hallowed mumsnet) and I'm playing devil's advocate a little here, she sounds to me like she's jealous of the time he spends with you, OP, not so much your daughter and she's feeling just a little insecure... she knows you and your stbxh are inextricable linked, which makes her feel trapped and thus she tries to drive a wedge between you all in the hope that your relationship with stbxh will deteriorate and she can have him all to herself... *cue cackling witch laugh from gf with thunder cracks and lightning flashes

Sounds like she has more issues than Kleenex. Talking of ex I'd tell him sooner rather than later.

In this day & age any young educated woman can earn a living if she chooses to...

OP HAS ALREADY TOLD HER STBEXH WHAT THE GF SAID.

Thanks Paranoid. I'm fairly new to MN & have seen the error I made on this thread, I promise not to do it again. Sorry.

It's ok pride I've done the same by not reading the full thread
To those who say our "arrangement" should change (or may have to) now/in future due to me having a partner.
We (STBXH and I) constantly evaluate what makes dd happy and what's best for her - if it was no longer best for her we would stop. I don't particularly enjoy spending time with STBXH although I don't dislike it either - but I know it makes dd happy so I do so in a totally platonic way with the focus on DD.
if in future I had a partner they'd suck it up or not be my partner for very long. My DDs happiness comes before any man.

It there were other children involved in future it would have to be decided on what's best for all.
I don't want any more children, but I'm aware STBXH may well do so in future.
I think he could definitely afford more children with ease without cutting the extras but I'm aware the % he has to pay would go down, which I'd be prepared for. I don't think he'd cut it but if he did I wouldn't be bothered.

As for "not allowing him to pay for my main holiday" he doesn't, but (with his blessing and even suggestion) it was put towards taking her to Disney land for 3 nights. It covered just about the passes for the park, food travel and accom were paid for by me and I didn't particularly enjoy the trip tbh. Not like I went to the Maldives to get a pampering is it?
I still would've taken her either way, but I would've needed to save for longer and been on a cheaper budget.
He doesn't begrudge paying for his daughter to enjoy things and I wouldn't either if the shoe was on the other foot.

I wouldn't be destitute without his help - even If he stopped paying anything including cm which is definitely easy by the sounds of my friends experience with the system and what I've read on here. I would manage, but DD would have less. I wouldn't be choosing whether to put the has or electric on or how to make five meals for £1.

I meant gas or electric, obviously

any gf with half a brain would look at the way STBXH is treating his child and see that she has landed a thoroughly decent bloke. A prize!

I'm amazed how many women are happy to see their partner treating exes and children badly without understanding that this is where they might be headed. ;-)

I once taught a pupil with parents like you and your ex. It was a lovelynmoment on results day when she did brilliantly and mum, dad, step mum and step dad were all surrounding her opt ing her envelope, hugging each other and her, the men shaking hands and lots of cheek kissing. Your set up is rare but should be cherished.

It's a bit primal, isn't it - the desire to obliterate the other mate's offspring so that your own are the cherished ones.
Not terribly evolved.