Aibu to think that stbxhs gf has a hell of a cheek?

[QueenOfVipers]

STBXH pays maintanence based on his income. It's a large amount because his income is large, it's the cms minimum.
Private arrangement, but based on that calculation.

We co parent well, and he is happy to pay this amount plus he does an online shop once a month with stuff for our DD. Nappies, baby food, toiletries etc before and now that she's a bit older, some nice treats, a couple of staple items and sometimes a nice toy or magazine or some glitter pens if they stock them and around Mother's Day he also sent a bunch of flowers and a bottle of wine which was lovely of him. He also takes her to a soft play group which he pays for and he gives me a small cut of his yearly bonus. About 5%, to go towards something for DD.
this has been the case for the last 2 years on the first year it went towards a few experience days and museum visits and a trip away for myself and DD which STBXH was happy with this year it's gone on DDs first proper bed. (She did have one of those cots you can turn into a bed until this year).

We sometimes go out together - with DD and his GF too. Nothing dodgy, just maybe go and feed the ducks and have lunch together. We (STBXH and I) think it's good for DC to spend some time with us all together once a fortnight or so. Gf is very welcome in this btw. I'd never stop her coming.

GF can be very snide about me.
She has made a few comments and has snubbed me when I've bumped into her alone. I get it, she dislikes me, she doesn't have to be around me (while she is invited out with STBXH, dd and I she never has to come, it's an invite not a summons as mn would say).
But if she wants to be around me I will be nice and civil.
Yesterday we all took DD out and while DD was feeding the ducks we were sat on a bench watching her from about 6M away. STBXH went to the toilet so it was just me and GF.
Gf said she wanted to have a word with me about something, I said well er go ahead then.
Gf then started ranting for a couple of minutes about how I take all of STBXH s money and she thinks I trapped him (we were married for 10 years ) she thinks he's far too generous and he should just leave me destitute and if it's up to her DD will lose her dad when she gets pregnant and they will replace her.
She's sick of not having money for x y and z as we "take it all" from him and she hopes I fuck off soon.

I just replied actually I don't take anything, he pays the cms calculated amount and provides some extras at his own will. He likes to provide for his child well and see her in a good environment rather than us struggling, if you hate me so much you'd probably be better off leaving STBXH name because dd is a permanent fixture, much like STBXH involvement with us is.

She stalked off towards the toilets as STBXH came out, said something to him and looked like she was crying. I got dd and went over to talk to STBXH and he said I dunno wtf her problem is but I better go and find out and walked off. Dd and I came home and he hasn't said anything about the incident.
I'm honestly shocked at this level of venom.

Aibu to think she's a 18 carat dickhead?

aplogis didnt see your update

if hes a good man he'll sort it out

This is really sad that she feels so threatened by your amicable set up.

My Dad left his family for another woman when we were all quite small. I have always suspected that she dripped poison in his ears over the years, to the extent that he didn't pay towards our upbringing even though he was quite wealthy, and she helped him to hide his assets.

He completely cut contact with his children 10 years ago. His decision, but I strongly suspect his (now) wife had a lot to do with it.

We have a friend who co-parents his 2 DC very well. Whilst he has had plenty of girlfriends since his marriage ended, he makes it very clear to them that his priority in his life is his children, and he will never be having any more. I quite admire him for his honesty, and everyone knows where they stand from the outset.

(of course as women, our commitment is automatically assumed and never in doubt, but that's another thread ...)

I think there seems to be a huge lack of boundaries here.

She should not be discussing maintenance with you. She should discuss this with her partner.

I think that the posters saying you should warn DP because she might “trap” him into pregnancy are way out of line as well. Whether or not they try to conceive is up to them. It would be really inappropriate for you to comment in this, and again shows a huge lack of boundaries. How many people on here would want their partner’s ex to discuss this sort of thing with them? And you have no evidence at all that she is punching holes in condoms.

The fortnightly days out altogether sound like a bit much as well.

From what you have said your ex is devoted to his daughter and isn’t going to so his gf will either have to get used to it or they will split up.

HoHoHoHo It was the GF who brought up having a baby, it was the GF who said that that baby will replace OP's DD and indeed that she would stop him being a father to her. She's an absolute bitch! OP had every right to mention that to her ex, it's frightening behaviour. Also, OP and ex take daughter out, GF chooses to come along. I think they (excluding GF) have an excellent co-parenting arrangement that is only for the benefit of their child. GF is clearly determined to put an end to that!

Agreed that given the GF mentioned that if there is a baby she'll make sure he stops seeing his dd should have been relayed back to him. If he chooses to have children with her then that is of course his business.

Equally the days out are nobody else's business but the OP and her ex's. And while I do see that it's an arrangement that many new partners wouldn't be comfortable with, and don't think they're wrong for feeling that way, the fact is that the arrangement was already in place so if the GF doesn't like it then she doesn't have to be in the relationship with him does she?

The new girlfriend sounds jealous and nasty.

Somebody mentioned about the ex giving flowerw to OP. They were for mothers day and the child is too young to do that for her. I think it's lovely.

I too would be worried about the girlfriend having an 'accidental' pregnancy. Whilst i wouldnt advise saying that to the ex, he needs to hear the comments about her replacing your daughter with a new baby etc.

You have a wonderful coparenting relationship. Keep going with that. Always be courteous go crazy lady and never bad mouth her to your ex. My guess is she also has been complaining about you to your ex too. Let her dig her own grave.

I used to know someone whose dad had had a previous family. They didn't find out until they were in their 40s and their mum had died.
Apparently, she'd told his dad he had to cut all contact with the kids from his 1st family if he wanted to stay with her.

I can't understand a woman who would demand that, nor a man who would agree to it.

HoHoHoHo

First of all, I only mentioned them having a baby by telling him exactly what she said to me word for word. I didn't and would not imply she is out to trap him - in fact she accused me of that
If anyone has a lack of boundaries re this, it's her. Not me. I don't want to know. It's not like I asked her how her cervical mucus was feeling today is it?

I don't think a fortnightly ish (sometimes it's longer sometimes it's less but generally once a fortnight) outing is bad tbh. We just focus on dd and ensuring she has a nice day - we never do much. She will feed the ducks, or occasionally we will take her swimming together or something like that. It's not like we're going to have a quick romp in the toilets I fail to see how that's a lack of boundaries. We believe it's nice for her to spend time with both of us from time to time, as we both come from homes where our parents split up and it was kept so clinically seperate that we often felt torn apart even though neither parent was nasty/bad mouthing about the other. If you disagree that's fine but it's what we've decided as her parents based on our own experiences as the child in the situation.
I've no issue with him bringing his GF either - that's fine.

I don't think she should be discussing maintanence with him either.
It's the cms minimum, so morally it can't be lowered (I know legally it can be because the cms or whatever it is now are as useful as a chocolate teapot) and it's not her business tbh.

I'm a bit curious as to why she would go on a day out with you when she doesn't like you. As for snubbing you when you bump in to each other, are you bothered?

Regarding the chat she had with you, yes that was pretty cheeky of her. Surprised she had the guts to do it face to face to be honest. If he has a large income then there must be a nice amount left over for her and your ex to live on. If he was on minimum wage and he was paying for you to go away and for your shopping then she might have had a point. Does she work too?

Juicy at least read OP's posts. OP says on the first page that the gf doesn't really work - she does some mobile beauty therapy but only takes 1-2 jobs a week, which isn't my business but explains why she doesn't have much of her own money.

She sounds a bit of a gold digger, and your ex should be putting her straight.

I actually think you sound lovely op!
I hope he dumps her soon for what she said about your dd what a vile woman.

She is pure poison, who does not care about your dd one little bit, and will do everything in her power to alienate her dad from his dd, and not support the relationship. God forbid if they have a child! I would be telling your ex as you sound like your on good terms, to be careful.

Judging by his reaction to her, and her outburst, he is seeing for himself how she is like. I hope he tells her to get lost.

Motoko
I know someone who had a relationship with a man and both had kids from first relationships and they blended the families well. They had children together.

Their relationship ended because they were coparenting as friends in the same house.
After they split they coparented very much like OP and her ex.

He got a new girlfriend. New girlfriend went mad about him talking to DS's Mum (ex), didnt like them going to school events together because it might suggest theyrr a couple (rather than nice parents). He's been dropping contact and getting more and more distant thr longer he's with this new girlfriend. I feel for the DS in it all. He's had 2 great parents for years and now there's animosity because the girlfriend is a nasty piece of work.

Should add. Really the dad should have ditched the girlfriend.
The ex never made it difficult. Its the girlfriend who'll accidently need the car on the days she knows he has contact etc/call him repeatedly when he's doing pickups etc He should grow his spine back but I cant see it happening.

I've only read the OP's posts, but this woman has an absolute cheek.

Your STBXH sounds like a decent bloke - I imagine he will nip this in the bud now he knows and hopefully she'll simmer down.

sounds like your stbxh's gf graduated from the same charm school as my step mother. Fortunately my siblings and I were adults when she gother claws into my dad. Sadly his grandchildren are missing out on a grandad but life revolves around her and my half siblings. I hope your ex see the light.

I'm a bit curious as to why she would go on a day out with you when she doesn't like you.

Wouldn't that be because she doesn't want the parents to meet alone? It sounds as if she's jealous of both op and her dd. She can keep an eye on everyone and try to control the situation as best she can.

I used to know someone whose dad had had a previous family. They didn't find out until they were in their 40s and their mum had died.

I know someone who was a child of the previous family. When her father died, and the will was read, the 2nd wife practically had a seizure when she found out she'd only got a life interest in the house, which then went to all 3 children, and that the money was split 4 ways: between the 3 children and the 2nd wife. There was talk of her challenging the will, but it never came to anything.

The daughter from the second marriage took it really well. She wrote a lovely letter to my friend and her brother, saying how sorry she was that they hadn't been able to get to know each other and stuff.

So I have a bit of an update.
After an argument - I don't know precisely over what she has flounced over to her parents house as STBXH had given her an ultimatum. Accept things as they are or fuck off is what I gathered from it. STBXH has reaffirmed he will continue with this level of commitment, possibly increasing as she starts school etc (she's in nursery ATM) but never decreasing as providing well for her is his first commitment no matter what.
So that's a relief. I'm sad I've inadvertently likely caused a breakup but happy that she hasn't managed to come between STBXH and dd.

Well done op. Sounds like your ex is a good one who puts his dd above any woman.

Crikey she sounds awful. I'm usually not for getting involved with other people's relationships but i think I would mention this to ex husband.

The thing is she hasn't even got a point. He's providing for his DD, not just randomly throwing money at you.

You sound like you're both really making it work which is brilliant and she's just jealous by the sounds of it. Why on earth would you want someone to not provide for their child?! Bizarre!

So very glad to read this update OP. Albeit a little jealous that my DDs Dad has never even considered taking that attitude and putting his DD first! But very glad it's all sorted for you :) x